The Decision Has Been Made

[Julie M.]

It seems I am traveling at break neck speeds. When I look back at early June I see a man who was in a serious depression but living fully as a man. Then I went to the Be-All and it changed my life. But I have told that story before.

Yesterday in therapy Deb and I talked about hormones, the first real step in transitioning. She's so matter of fact when we talk about transitioning, just like it's a perfectly natural thing for me to do (maybe I need to adopt that attitude!) I already knew before the session this was it. I told her, "What am I waiting for? I have left myself in limbo waiting for what? For some Fairy Godmother to come along and wave her magic wand and turn me into a woman?"

I told her of an incident that happened over the weekend. She said that told her I had identity issues, not issues that CDs, TGs or TVs have. If you asked her and ethics wouldn't be compromised I'd guess she'd say she fully expects me to go all the way. At one point we talked about something that has been put off for a year and she said, "You'll be halfway through your transition by then." The fact that hearing that made my heart soar told me this is what I need to do.

I wanted to start hormones w/o telling my wife. She tends to overreact and I didn't want to have to over explain that I could just as easily go off them as I could stay on them. I had no idea how I would react to being on them, maybe I wouldn't like it. Deb advised against not telling her and I knew she was right.

So when my wife got home from work I told her. Since she was going to her own therapist tonight, I figured this was the best time to tell her. It was no surprise she was upset but she was also composed. No yelling or screaming but there were subtle tells that let me know how she was feeling.

Now that we are there I can open the next door. As soon as I have been in therapy for three months Deb can write the letter that will allow a doctor to see me for HRT. I think that's only a week or two off.

I'll keep you up to date on what's happening if you wish.

Luv,
Julie

[Anne]

Those doors always seem hard to open & cross. Take care & I hope your path leads to happiness.

Anne

[Elizabeth]

Julie,

That sounds very scary/exciting all in one. My only words for you would be that based on things you have said in the past indicating you would never transition, are you sure this is what you want, or this is what the therapist thinks you want?

Love always,
Elozabeth

[Virginia]

Julie,
Honey, it is a big step!! I am apprehensive but still proud of you for taking the first step. If this is what you feel in your heart of hearts you want then "Rock on girl"you have my blessing and empathy and prayers!
Love ya,
Virginia
PS remember what I told you I will try and come to Chi'Town if you need me!

[DonnaT]

I am really surprised that you are already ready to begin hormone treatment. I figured that counseling would take much longer. Like Elizabeth, I figured you were more inclined towards living 24/7 as a woman, but no go all the way. I hope it works out for you and your wife.

[Anita]

Hi Julie--
It is surprising how fast I can process the feelings that come up around TG stuff--a lot faster than I seem to have done in the past with my male life. I have not had to make any physical changes, though, and I don't know how I would handle those. You're a brave one to go into that territory, and I wish you the best.

A woman friend of mine is suggesting that I go back into the music business as a man, and "give Anita a rest." But I'm not sure I would want to spend hours on the road as a guy any more, even though it would be much easier in many ways.

There's a bit of a crossroads here, though certainly not on the level you're looking at right now. I mention this because I can see older pathways closing up behind me, and I just can't go back there. It sounds like that is happening with you.

You're right--you can go off the hormones if you don't care for what they do to you. It's still a very early stage, and you can take a step at a time without too much risk.

[Julie M.]

Julie,

That sounds very scary/exciting all in one. My only words for you would be that based on things you have said in the past indicating you would never transition, are you sure this is what you want, or this is what the therapist thinks you want?

Love always,
Elozabeth

Elizabeth,

Denial can be a very powerful tool when you don't want to face the truth. Facing this was very hard indeed but my desire to get to the core of what is bothering me has been the driving force. My therapist doesn't want me to do anything I don't want to do. She just opens doors for me and asks I look around. When I do, I like what I see.

When I consider how much my attitude has changed for the better I realize this is for real. I don't want to live as a full time crossdresser. I don't like knowing that a man resides under all that femininity. Even my wife has said she has always known this is what I truly want, and she knows me better than anyone.

This has been in the making since I was born. I doubt a day has gone by in my life that I didn't wish something would happen that would make me a girl. I just built up this wall of denial all around me and stashed away almost all of me because so much of me is Julie. Now that those walls are crumbling I see things differently, I respond differently. Even my wife says she likes the "new" me and doesn't want that person I was not too long ago to return.

I was on estrogen for about 5 months in 2000. It was the happiest time of my life. I want to return there again but this time do it right. And if I find the changes truly aren't for me, I can always stop anywhere along the way prior to surgery. Only surgery creates a point of no return.

Love,
Julie

[Julie M.]

Julie,
Honey, it is a big step!! I am apprehensive but still proud of you for taking the first step. If this is what you feel in your heart of hearts you want then "Rock on girl"you have my blessing and empathy and prayers!
Love ya,
Virginia
PS remember what I told you I will try and come to Chi'Town if you need me!

Thanks Virginia. As always I appreciate your support and no, I haven't forgotten your coming to Chicago. You are always welcome but when the need arises I will let you know.

Love,
Julie

[Julie M.]

Donna,

The Benjamin Standards require three months in therapy, as a minimum, before the therapist can write a letter to your doctor saying HRT is a go. I have given Deb so many cues that I'm TS and she has told me many of them. It's hard to deny it. She has worked with many TSs in the past and I think it's safe to say she sees me as a typical TS.

This is what I've always wanted, I just didn't have the courage to admit it.

Anita,

I can see paths closing behind me too. I am looking for a new source of income. Of all things I am considering Cosmetology. If Jacki and I can get the bar going (a divorce for her just put a monkey wrench into it) I could make the two meld: get a makeover and get a drink! I also met a TS who is into woodworking so maybe furniture building is in the future. One thing I do know, construction is out. The guys I've met over the years just wouldn't understand.

Thanks, everyone, for your ongoing support. If it weren't for the fine people I've met here I may never have realized there's a solution to my misery.

Love,
Julie

[Carolynn]

Hi Julie!!! Things are moving fast for you indeed. I am so very glad you are finding your way. I will be very interested in your appointment with your endo. I have mine next week, but the prescription may be a few weeks away too. Like yours, my therapist is comfortable with her diagnosis of me, but keeps telling me to proceed at my own pace, and with due deliberation. It's good advice. Be sure you step back once in awhile and take a breather, look around you. You will likely know this is right for you for sure, without any doubts, after you have been on hormones for few weeks.

In the meantime, a place to go is http://beginninglife.com/. They have what is called a Newbie section that has people like us just entering on this journey, some good information, some maybe not so good. Celestia and Libbie are two moderators who have been there, done that, and give sound information, and respond quickly to personal messages. There are inner boards that Newbies don't get onto, like a pre-op board, that you will likely be able to gain access to quickly. They have no axe to grind, no advertisements, just help and support.

Love, Carolynn

[Elizabeth]

Julie,

Julie M wrote:

Elizabeth,

Denial can be a very powerful tool when you don't want to face the truth. Facing this was very hard indeed but my desire to get to the core of what is bothering me has been the driving force. My therapist doesn't want me to do anything I don't want to do. She just opens doors for me and asks I look around. When I do, I like what I see.

I know all about denial, and I do struggle with these things. I am 275 on COLGAITI, there is not doubt in my mind I am transexual. I am certain I would have transitioned had I come out when I was younger. I am so happy for you because I know how it feels to finally be able to say "this is who/what I am, and I am going to accept and love myself, completely". Because I see transitioning as just a side effect of that realization.

You and me? we are not all that different, sister. I will be here for you and support you in anyway I can, as you go through this most extraordinary of transformations so finally you can feel like the person you were meant to be. Good Luck!!

Love always,
Elizabeth

[Loretta Ann]

One thing I do know, construction is out. The guys I've met over the years just wouldn't understand.

Hi Julie,

For the record there is an Electrician in my part of the country who had a sex change, and now lives as a woman, who is still working in the trade. However she is a contractor.

Love Darlene.

[SophieLawson]

Julie!

I wish you all the best, I know you will be sooo happy a little while down the line. Keep us updated on how it goes!

Proud of you

*hugs*

Sophie xx

[Julie M.]

I called Deb yesterday and left a message. I told her I wanted her to write the letter that would tell a doctor I am ready for HRT. She called back later and told me we needed to talk about which doctor I wanted to see. She had no problem writing the letter, we just needed to decide who I was going to see as she sends the letter directly to them.

This was an affirmation of sorts as I know she is highly regarded in the TG community and she has pegged me time and time again. That she had no problem with my request gave me further support I am on the right track.

So tomorrow we discuss who I will see. I hope I can get this covered on insurance. Wouldn't that be a kick to have this whole thing covered? Dream on Klingon!

Anyway, once we decide who I will see, I will set up an appointment and we will discuss my avenues to transition. Funny thing is I have no reservation about doing this. In fact I am much like a teenage girl waiting for puberty to do it's stuff. I can't wait!

Changes so far include:

No physical contact with my wife. She sees me as a woman and is not lesbian.

Being able to get out more often without my wife getting mad

Expanding my social life. I have many more friends now, most of whom are more about caring rather than being about sports, drinking, etc.

Finally coming to terms with what I have known all my life - I am better off as a girl.

I know what I am doing is unsettling to many. Heck, it's unsettling to me, so I understand that. But what I have found is we only have one chance for true happiness. We make efforts to achieve that. Some are blessed and find it easily. Others never do. I don't want to be one of the latter.

I am not encouraging anyone to follow my path. It will be filled with more emotional and physical pain than I have ever experienced. But at least I know I will heal. If I chose to play the role I was taught to play, I would only get more ill. I was headed for an early death. Now I have a reason to live.

[DonnaT]

Well, you sound really upbeat! That is definitely necessary for a longer life.

Is your wife accepting hugs at least?