Why am I still feeling so smothered?

[Lorna]

Because I've got all of these drab obligations out the wazoo!!

Last month I had to attend a series of wedding-related engagements, followed by the wedding itself, which have all obviously required dressing en drab.

This month I'm going over to my mother's every day as I am buildling an external basement doorway. This requires heavy duty lifting, digging and cement-cutting to the point where I come home with sore muscles and am totally covered in filth. Talk about testosterone overload!

Tomorrow is my nephew's birthday and of course my sister is having a huge party. Another family event requiring my apearance en drab. In all honesty, with every event I must attend, it is becoming increasingly difficult for me to go en drab. And then later this month there will be Thanksgiving to deal with.

As a result I find myself dressing more and more during what little time I have for me. There was a time that dressing on the weekends alone was sufficent. If I was spening the evening at home, I didn't bother to dress. Today, I find myself dressing not only when I go out on the weekends, but also every day whenever I have a few short hours in the evening to myself.

Now here's the funny thing - I'm SINGLE!!! Imagine if I were married with children! There would be no time or space for Lorna at all.

I think that this is why I make sure that EVERYONE within my circle of friends is FULLY accepting of Lorna. I just don't have the room for any more would-be non-accepting people in my life. And I also don't need to be placed into any more situations where I would NOT have the option to be Lorna. (We all have ebough of that I am sure!) Work and family obligations are already plenty. I don't need any more. And I can't be around any more folks who can't tolerate Lorna. End of story. Those positions have already been filled.

Hence whenever I CAN go out as Lorna, then I DO.

Don't mind me; I'm just rambling away as usual... But if I make any sense right now, have any of you ladies felt this way?

[CJ]

Hi all,

Lorna,

It was good to chat with you a little last night. You held me up, girl! Thanks.

About your situation, I'm a little bit on the opposite end, in a way (as you know), I have all the time in the world to dress and tons of opportunities, but I don't really. I know I should (again, thanks for the shot in the arm, last night). I'm not really sure why I don't. I mean, everybody around me--friends, family, colleagues, acquaintances even--are aware of "Christina's" existence, and most are not only tolerant but supportive and encouraging. I guess my own drive to express my femininity isn't as strong as it used to be (if it ever was, to begin with). The last year (I joined the forum a year ago this week), my crossdressing habits have changed slightly. MY CD'ing isn't dormant, I think. It's just now more on these pages than in my "real" life, in a way. I realize, though, that I'm a fluid soul and a flexible creature, so today doesn't look like yesterday and it might not look like tomorrow.

About boy mode obligations, aside from work, I don't really have any that would prevent me from dressing. Hell! Even dressing 24/7, if I wanted to! Some are joking at work about my becoming their first "officially" TG colleague. And, you know what? I think it would wash. Were it not for the fact that gender issues are too confusing for most of our clients (many of whom are already pretty confused, as it is). Hence, I even hesitate to ever so slightly change my boy mode appearance in a more feminine direction. Already, from the last time I dressed, back in April, some picked up on the shaven body and the thinned eyebrows and it threw them for a loop. The last thing I need to do in this job is to send someone to the hospital, you know? Oh well. As my colleague suggested to me earlier this week, maybe I should keep my body and face clean-shaven at all times and my eyebrows shaped; it would startle some clients the first time, but they'd then get used to my looking that way. I could then be Christina at will. I'm just afraid that it would want to make them know more about my private life. That I don't want (when someone's psychotic, it's best that they have as little private information about their case workers as possible--you never know).

Anyway, as usual, Lorna, you're a Loyal Rantor (I know, it's an old one, but it's a good one ). You do, indeed, make sense, though. I totally understand what you're saying. I wish you luck in increasing your "girl time," gal!

Love,
CJ

[Virginia]

Lorna,
Builds character they say!? The construction will soon be over and Lorna can come out to play more. My situation compounded itself with my wife being admitted to the hospital and I was getting close to finishing my investment property. I would go over to work on that house, dress fully and paint, plaster, do electrical work, lay carpet, tile, what ever and it was fun. The other day I was fully dressed and the local gas company guy came by to turn the gas on. I just chatted with him as if it were the most natural thing in the world, I know he intitially thought he was working with the"lady of the house," until he heard my voice but he, and I give him credit, handled it like a true gentleman. He did leave with a "Thankyou for yor time, sir!" Actually it did not hurt my feelings and Elizabeth immediately flashed in my mind, Hey, it's me and I knew I was read by my voice and nothing else.
Lorna you have a lot going on, your a busy lady, but it is your life and if you need to let Lorna run things, you two will just have to work it out.
Love,
Virginia

[Elizabeth]

Lorna,

I am sure you have a pretty good idea what I am going to say. We all are given this choice to either comply with the will of society, or be shunned. And with me, it worked for a long time. But I personally finally reached a point where I decided that I really did not want people in my life who did not accept me. Rudy, the human being. If I am only a value to anyone as long as I am willing to submit to thier will, than I guess that is not how I want to be valued anymore.

As you know, I don't see my brother any more. He said I was not allowed at his house dressed in female clothing. He made the call, not me. Yes, it was hurtful to accept that I was only useful as a person, as long as I could meet his demands, but so is the way of the world. For me, I am now not willing to meet anyone's demand that I not be allowed to be me, in order to have a relationship with them.

I know that this is extreme, and I would not reccommend it to anyone as a coping strategy, but it is where I am at now. I am absolutely unwilling to live even one more minute of my life for anyone else, except my children. And only for my children because they do not have control over thier life cirucumstance.

What I can tell you is that only you can decide what you are willing to do to for the people who are important to you in your life. Make sure that YOU define what you are and are not willing to do for any relationship. In this way you will not feel a sense of being smothered.

I think Lorna is alive and well, and I doubt anyone is gonna smother her for very long.

Love always,
Elizabeth