The Decision Has Been Made

[Anita]

Hi Julie--
I continue to applaude what you're doing, for you. I see this process going on among women who I'm come to know as friends, and I wish them the best. One is scheduled for her SRS next summer. It can be hard to watch at times, I will grant you that.

I think you're probably right about where your path was taking you. Maybe we don't all die young, but I suspect some forms of illness develop if we're not willing to grow ourselves. Cancer is uncontrolled growth, and it could be--a big "could be"--that some forms of it are caused by inner conflicts like ours that need to find expression. If we don't allow it to happen, then it happens anyway, and it appears that we had no choice in the matter.

I have always been struck by a quotation attributed to Jesus, from one of the omitted books of the traditional bible: "If you do not allow what is within you to come forth, it will destroy you." This hung on the wall in the office of one of the bodywork therapists I used to see.

I do wonder where my path is going, but at least I'm already on it. It would not be as extreme to begin hormones, say, as it was to make the leap to going out femme in the first place. That's just me thinking out loud. It is easier to watch your journey from my current position, is all I'm saying.

[Cathy L. Anderson]

You said:

It seems I am traveling at break neck speeds.

In most areas of life, would that not be considered needlessly risky?
Is there a particular hurry?

This is what I've always wanted, I just didn't have the courage to admit it.

Perhaps the breakthrough is in letting go of resisting the idea merely because you think you should resist it. There's always a sense
of liberation when something like that is let go (remember how good it felt to shave your legs for the first time?). It's good to admit a desire that is there, and bad to deny one that exists. But does having a desire necessarily mean that it is in ones best interests to act on it?

Cathy

[Julie M.]

Is your wife accepting hugs at least?

That's funny because we talked about that this morning. I said girls hug and she said hugs are just fine with her, and that she preferred we hug as opposed to the non-contact we have had.

[Julie M.]

You said:

It seems I am traveling at break neck speeds.

In most areas of life, would that not be considered needlessly risky?
Is there a particular hurry?

This is what I've always wanted, I just didn't have the courage to admit it.

Perhaps the breakthrough is in letting go of resisting the idea merely because you think you should resist it. There's always a sense
of liberation when something like that is let go (remember how good it felt to shave your legs for the first time?). It's good to admit a desire that is there, and bad to deny one that exists. But does having a desire necessarily mean that it is in ones best interests to act on it?

Cathy

The comment about breakneck speeds was in reference to how others perceive this to be. I have been standing at the door all my life wanting to go inside. I had convinced myself the door was sealed and I could never get in. So when I finally turned the doorknob and walked in it took only one step to get in. I have been waiting all my life to be where I am today.

This is not a simple desire. This is an identity issue. It's who I am. There is need and not just want. I have two paths to take. One is filled with emotional pain that will only get worse, the other has emotional and physical pain but I will heal. It's really an easy choice to make.

[Elizabeth]

Hi Julie,

Julie M wrote:

This is not a simple desire. This is an identity issue. It's who I am. There is need and not just want. I have two paths to take. One is filled with emotional pain that will only get worse, the other has emotional and physical pain but I will heal. It's really an easy choice to make.

This makes perfect sense to me. I must admit that your decision has really caused me to do some more soul searching. I have been asking myself if I am in denial, particularly since you specifically asked about it on your post previous to this one.

And the answer is, I don't know. I read your words and they ring so true in so many ways. While I am certain I would transition if I was 20, having borderline high blood pressure makes taking females hormones extremely risky, even if I could find a doctor to prescribe them. And of course the big issue of making a living. To me all the other issues are issues about relationships, and in the end it is pretty simple. You have to leave the people behind who can not come with you.

Julie, I will be one of the people coming with you. I beleive I will know you all my life now. I am so happy for you, and yet I share your pain. I will always be here for you, and with you. Perhaps I will just live vicariously through you? Good luck to you.

Love always,
Elizabeth

[Julie M.]

Deb and I discussed which doctor to see and when I picked one she sent the letter to him. I called him and set up an appointment this Tuesday 11/16. I'm sure he will take blood but not sure if he will write any prescriptions.

Here's some possible good news anyone who has seen scalp hair going down the drain will like: A TS friend of mine was very thin on top and her hair has receeded back several inches. Think hat needed in sun. She is seeing the same doctor I am going to. He prescribed Proscar with an anti-androgen and estrogen for her HRT regimen. Well, after 10 months she has almost a full head of hair. All she needs is some work right at the front. So I'm hoping that thin spot at the crown and the thinning on top can grow back. Now that alone is worth it (kidding). Here's a link to me sans wig but I don't show the thin spots https://home.comcast.net/~julimarie/ima ... /nowig.jpg

On another note, my wife and I will be splitting. We are still best of friends. She just can't handle the thought of being married to a woman. Today he hugged and cried for a long time. We are both torn but neither can change enough for the other. She can't be lesbian and I can't live happily as a man any longer. The kids know about us splitting but my youngest doesn't know about me transitioning yet. We'll do that in a session with Deb. I won't be present for that to allow him to speak freely.

There's no doubt this is the toughest part of it. I see myself as staying the same. Except for my physical presence, I will still be the same person, just not stifled by trying to be something I'm not. But the world will see me completely different as will my family. I have to accept that.

We live in a binary world where there is male and female and nothing in between. Some people can't accept someone being in the grey area in the middle. So I will be seen as female. And if I want to live a normal life I will have to go to great lenghts to look female. That's the way it is. And I'm willing to do that.

[Anita]

Hi Julie--
Your post moves me, since you're talking about the hugging and crying. I just re-read my journal from 7 years ago, where I'm leaving my girlfriend's home for the last time. She had wanted to live together, I knew that it would not work for me, and I'd had a month to think about it. I did, and woke up one morning knowing that it was time to go.

I happened to be a Border's today, and glanced through My Husband Betty by Helen Boyd. She's talking about a couple that they were friends with, going through what you and your wife are going through. The author was initially angry at the man, but at the same time realized that there were no "villains" in this story, either.

The CD had not known the truth about himself, so how could he have told his wife? Yet both people had needs that were not going to go away--she was not lesbian, and wanted a man's presence, and the CD could not go on being a man anymore. They had both tried hard to make it work.

You and your wife have worked on it, too, so it's not like she just threw up her hands immediately and said she couldn't take it.

I hope you can find a TG support group that works for you, in the coming months.
Anita

[Nick]

I've been reading on transitioning, and the more that I read, the more I want to look into it and see if it is right for me. BUT I CAN'T BECAUSE I'M STUCK HERE!!1!!!!111!!! GRRR!!!!

Anywho...

The things that you have been writing in this post are making me want to run away and cry, because right now, I feel very trapped by the surrounding and the people around me. I honestly don't feel right about where I'm at right now, because of my feelings and how I want to live my life. So please, take none of your new life for granted, as most of us, even if we want it, will probably never get this oppurtunity. Take care of yourself along the road ahead.

Love,

Celes