Denial

[Elizabeth]

Hi girls,

I just can't get this off my mind.

Julie M wrote:

Elizabeth,

Denial can be a very powerful tool when you don't want to face the truth. Facing this was very hard indeed but my desire to get to the core of what is bothering me has been the driving force.

I have been considering my own denial. It was not that long ago, back in April, that I was quite certain that I had no interest in living my life as a woman. Yet since mid August, I have done exactly that.

Elizabeth wrote on May 4, 2004

I have been pretending for the last 10 years that I just prefered women's underwear, that i really am not a crossdresser. But the real truth is I am a crossdresser. Even though I have not fully dressed in while, I still long to. In real truth I have litereally talked myself out of wanting to be female. Not sure if this is good or bad, but I know that I used to really think about going all the way and becoming a female. Now that this rift has arisen again between my wife and me over crossdressing, speciifically the underwear, I feel it is finally time to just make a break for it, and finally face what I had always known I was going to have to someday. She knows if it were not for her resistance I would prolly be fully dressed all the time, somethiing she just plain does not want.

This was my first step out of denial. My first open recognition to anyone that I desired to be female, and that I still longed to dress female. The response I received was very upbeat and thoughtful. Three days later I wrote this.

Elizabeth wrote on May 7, 2004

I have never given Elizabeth a chance to grow, and be nurtured. That is my intention. To be honest with you, I don't really care if Elizabeth takes over, I am not certain that would be a bad thing. I have spent a great deal of time in private wishing I was a girl. It is confusing. I am not gay, but I know I would really like to be a woman. I really just don't know if I want to be a woman full time yet. I think I would, but I think I will try it out, kick the tires, and then if it really suits me, decide what to do.

At this point I was already pretty much commited to the idea that I would live my life as a woman, although I had no idea how I would get into a situation where I could. I would also like to point out that even at this point, I was still denying to my wife that I wanted to live the "crossdresser lifestyle" as she put it. It was not that I wanted to intentionally decieve her, it was that I would have been willing to not live as a woman to save my marriage. It would have been easy to slip right back into denial. To tell myself that I did not really feel that way. However at that point, I did not really have much confidence that my marriage would last.

So here I am, and just as I thought, once the presence of my wife's resistance to my crossdressing was gone, I have become a full time crossdresser. I have, for almost 3 months now, lived my life as a woman. I am kicking the tires, and so far, this really does suit me. I am noticably happier, my blood pressure is down. But I am finally starting to feel a sense of myself.

Still, I can't help but wonder if this does go farther than I thought? I mean, had you asked me a year ago if I would be a full time crossdresser now, I would have laughed at you. So I can't help but wonder where I will be a year from now.

I know I am transexual, I have since I was at least nine, felt like I was a girl in a boys body. I am sure many of you will remember the famous Robert Reed episode of Medical Center where he was a transexual who had SRS. It was very controversial at that time. But I remember as I was watching it wondering why he waited until he was in his forties, married, adn had children to do it. I imagined myself doing it younger. I dreamed about it all the time.

But when the realities of the world were confronted by my desire to be female, eating and having somewhere to live seemed more important. And besides, freed from the prying eyes of my parents, I was able to dress up in the evenings after work, as a young man, with his own place.

This was all fine and well until I met and fell in love with my soon to be exwife. I was so smitten, my desire to dress completely evaporated. I purged everything and was perfectly content doing so. I did not feel like I was giving anything up. I felt more like a phase of my life had ended. The one where the lonely boy crossdresses at night to feel good about himself.

After a year of dating, and almost a year of living together we married. And still I had no urges to dress really. The exception was she was away, while we were living together, because her mother was ill, I slept in her nightgown. At first I just put it in bed with me, because it smelled like her, but later I just had to put it on. However, this really was more about feeling in contact with her, than about crossdressing. I never told her I wore it, just that I had it in bed with me. The first of the official denials.

About a year into my marriage, the desire to dress again returned. From that point on, my life was one huge denial. Not just to my wife, but to myself. I continually thought about being a girl, and had the whole cycle of getting caught dressing, purging and promising not to, only to do it again. I hated myself. I thought about killing myself all the time. There was no way I could ever be the person I wanted to be.

My commitments to my wife, children, relatives, friends, made it an imposibility to even consider becoming a person who openly dressed. Not to mention my need to work, and have a home. So I went into denial. I did not really wat to be a girl, I did not really want to put on makeup, and nail polish. I just liked girls underwear. Because of the fabric. And before you knew it, I had myself convinced.

But the self loathing did not end. The continual thoughts of suicide did not end. The only thing that ended was the dream that I would get to be the person I always wanted to be. So I stopped caring about myself. I did not care about my appearance. I gained a lot of weight after quiting smoking. My hair was rarely combed more than once in the morning, if at all. I would wear the same pants day after day. I really did not care how I looked. I could care less about men's fashions. My wife bought all my clothes.

But when my illness caused me to finally have to stop working, the barriors started to fall. It was clear my wife did not want to be with a person who did not work. Suddenly my two biggest obsticals to being a full time crossdresser were gone. And with those obsticals gone, that left only my children as obsticals. But once I made the decision that this really was my only obstical to being a full time crossdresser? Well, by then I was no longer in denial about it.

And with the denial gone, it was easy to decide that my children would just have to either accept me, or reject me.

Denial it turns out, is a coping tool. I used denial as a way to accept that which I could not accept any other way. The problem I had was that once I decided to let go of the denial, I realized I could have let it go anytime. The cost is the same.

Which beings me back to where I started, and the words of my sister Julie M, whom I don't mean to single out, but our lives and circumstance are so much the same, in so many ways, I just can not help use her as an example here, and because her words are what led me to this post.

I am still searching. Am I still in denial? Is living my life as a woman, as satisfying as it feels right now, just another denial because I do not see anyway that I could ever transition? I really just don't know. But I can't stop thinking since Julie M posted about it. I am hoping that getting some feedback here, will help me to see what I am missing.

All opinions, experiences, and other feed back is certainly welcome.

Love always,
Elizabeth

[DonnaT]

Hi Elizabeth,

Not being TS, and dearly in love with my male anatomy, I find it hard to understand why a guy would want to fully transistion. I don't know, I guess at 49 it's still a sexual thing, the not understanding, not a gender thing. As a gender thing I can fully understand, especially if it is the boy that thinks he should have been a girl.

Also, its an age thing. I can see a young pretty lady and wish I could look like that. Look not be. But at an advanced age, I think if I wanted to transistion, I'd look like an old woman. Sorry if that offends anyone, but I like sexy and looking at an old woman in the mirror, well . . . Yes, my wife and I are going to get older looking as time marches on and living with that everyday change is easy, but changing from an old man to an old lady, well that wouldn't be easy. Of course not being TS, I don't know how easy it would be for a TS.

I quess that is one reason I've been trying recently to get my wife to agree to let me go out dressed. The age thing.

Maybe that's why one is required to live full time as a woman. Not just a man in a dress, but as a woman, feminine hair, makeup, etc.

I guess these aren't really answers, just ponderings. The TSs here and maybe on Julie M.'s other forum (quite a few there and a special category for the TS) may be of more help.

[Anne]

Good point as far as age - that is one I use to say I remain CD not TS but it is a veil that I can see around at times. That and a good career I would be crazy to damage.

Anne

[Loretta Ann]

Good morning Elizabeth,

Interesting topic, One that I continue to like to get others in-put on, as for me it has become very important to search my self for this enemy

Two thoughts come to mind from reading the posts here The first one is that you stated that you had a force in side you that caused you to want to cross-dress, and you would not accept that and you fought it.

I wonder if it would be the same if you are still in denial, Do you have something inside you that is forcing you to go further, or is it just something you are wondering about?

I think that if one is holding something in it would be like beach ball. try to hold it under water and it pops up or resurfaces on it's own.

I would think if you are meant to take this further there will something inside of you that pushes you in that direction.

The second thing that comes to mind is something Donna said.

Maybe that's why one is required to live full time as a woman. Not just a man in a dress, but as a woman, feminine hair, makeup, etc

Maybe this kind of an experiment would let one know more clearly who one is?

Hope this helps?

Love Darlene..

[Anita]

Hi Elizabeth--
I would second Darlene on this, in that you're putting yourself in a position where you can get answers--you're living fulltime, at the moment, and you're out to those around you. Those are important steps, and as you know, can take years to get to.

I think I read in your post that you feel that you might be in denial again now because you don't see any way that you could transition. You don't go into detail, but I assume you mean financially.

That is a major stumbling block that must be confronted, whether or not that's what you were talking about here. And I "comfort" myself sometimes by telling myself that I can't afford the whole process, so therefore, I'm "safe."

Thing is, I've seen how much more driven I can be when it comes to my femme self. I procrastinated about life in general for years, but when it came to Anita's needs, I suddenly found that I was able to move decisively, over and over again. It appears that little in my male life interested me enough to make an effort, until this alternative life came along.

So it scares me to know that should I want to transition, I'll be finding a way to do it On the flip side, what if I feel this relentless need to transition, and CAN'T find an easy way to do it? Back and forth on that one.

I'm consciously letting my own fears hang out on the laundry line in this post, so that you can see that you're not alone in dealing with this. Julie is not in the same dilemma right now--she has noted that she'll face pain along the way, but she IS committed to a plan of action. You're wondering where you're going.

I'm starting to develop a network of women friends to go out with, as just another girl, not as a romantic partner. I see this development as wonderful on one side, because these are people I want to spend time with. Then the darker side of it comes in, and says that I'm speeding up my timetable for going fulltime by creating a need for more Anita time.

So I repeat what I've said in earlier posts. I have really learned how to live more here and now, and not spend too much time spinning wheels about what MIGHT be. Planning is OK, looking down the road to check direction is OK, but too much future-tripping is just a receipe for the blood pressure to go back up.

To end with a positive note, I'm happier in the here/now then I've ever been before, and that comes from a combination of male and female living. I think you, Elizabeth, can say this same thing, right this instance, (although you're not combining the two lives as I'm doing.)

So let's continue to take a step at a time. You are in a position to do that--your life as a woman is proceeding as it should, at the moment.

[Elizabeth]

Hi girls,

I do not feel a driving force in me to transition. I have this incredible sense of contentment right now. I am loving being Elizabeth all the time.

Having said that, I have spent a great part of my life thinking about, and longing to become a woman, including hormones and SRS. And while I am not feeling that right now, I can not help but wonder if it is just because of where I am right now.

When I met and subsequently married my soon to be ex wife, I was just as certain that I would never crossdress again. The feeling was not there. Yet here I am typing this post dressed as a woman complete with makeup and nail polish.

I can't help but wonder if this contentment I am feeling will evaporate also. I can't help but wonder if perhaps I am just dismissing or even supressing what I may really be feeling, because it is also an impossibility. I don't feel like that is what is happening, but the past has shown me, as well as my sisters here, that feelings can and do change, or resurface later.

Because I know that I have had strong desires to transition in my past, even if just as a fantasy, that I can not discount the fact that they may return.

That is what I got out of what Julie told me. She almost cautioned me that we can be highly motivated to not face the truth, because of the consequences of that truth. It is funny, but it has kind of interupted my bliss. I know I don't have to really think about this right now, I can continue down the Yelllow Brick Road until something blocks my path. But like Julie, and I would imagine most of you, I am a chronic overthinker.

This whole notion of denial is not just about transitioning. It has followed me through every step of this. Certainly many of you have had to confront denial in some way, or you would not be here? I am most interested in denial, and confronting it, and how we overcome it. It is my beleif that only when we have rid ourselves of denial can we truly accept who we are, and live a meaningful life.

I don't want to wait another 10 years to only find out, that I still have been kidding myself. I want to know who I am, and where I am going. And that just does not seem possible right now. I am too busy learning who I am.


Love always,
Elizabeth

[Lorna]

Hi Elizabeth,

Denial can be quite the tough obstacle to overcome. Acceptance eliminates denial. Whenever I think of the words denial and acceptance I always think of the five stages of grief. But I think that denial and acceptance along with the other stages can appply any time there are changes taking place in our lives, even when there is positive change.

From time to time I have thought of the "next steps" to a certain degree. Although I am still very leery of taking hormones, I have entertained the thought of alternate ways to appear more feminine ranging from laser hair removal (a strong likelihood for '05) to breast augmentation and facial feminization surgery (very unlikely).

I believe that we are all still learning about ourselves, and that is a lifelong occurence. You've made some incredible progress in the time I have known you. And I think you've helped and inspired so many of us here to do the same.

[Loretta Ann]

Elizabeth said;

Having said that, I have spent a great part of my life thinking about, and longing to become a woman, including hormones and SRS. And while I am not feeling that right now, I can not help but wonder if it is just because of where I am right now.

Anita said;

So I repeat what I've said in earlier posts. I have really learned how to live more here and now, and not spend too much time spinning wheels about what MIGHT be

Darlene says;
I concur with Anita, spinning wheels about what might be only serves to rob you of the full enjoyment that is available for you right now. It is a thief, and it too can control your life if you let it.

Continue to enjoy your life while you can, and deal with what might happen in the future if and when you have to.

Love Darlene.

[DonnaT]

I do have one one more thought Elizabeth.

Could it be that instead of denial, it is more of "Is this all there is?"

You say you are content right now, but you have all this time to think about what's happening and what will happen.

At one time you wrote

I have never worn a breastform and don't have any bra's. Maybe it is just laziness but I just don't feel that part.

I feel the same about this as transitioning. If someone could wave thier magic wand and I could have breasts, I would do it, but the health risks and potential long term consequences are more than I would pay to get them.

What has changed?

[Elizabeth]

Hi girls,

It appears that I may as well speculate whether or not I am a serial killer, as much as wonder whether someday I may transition. It really does not matter, because it is not what I am feeling right now, and worrying about a future that is uncertain anyway, only serves to dampen my ability to enjoy the here and now.

That is what I hear my sisters telling me. So I will continue down the Yellow Brick Road in my bliss, until a fork in the road appears, and who know, perhaps I will find my own Scarecrow to tell me the way to OZ.

DonnaT wrote:

You say you are content right now, but you have all this time to think about what's happening and what will happen.

At one time you wrote
Quote:
I have never worn a breastform and don't have any bra's. Maybe it is just laziness but I just don't feel that part.

I feel the same about this as transitioning. If someone could wave thier magic wand and I could have breasts, I would do it, but the health risks and potential long term consequences are more than I would pay to get them.


What has changed?

Donna,

Nothing has changed. I am still well aware there are no magic wands. There is a huge difference between being transformed magically into the real thing, and being transformed by hormones and surgeons. While I can say that I would still prefer to be female, living my life as one seems to have fulfilled that need. I am not sure that hormones and SRS would make me feel any different about myself, other than the obvious changes that occur in the thought process directly related to female hormones. Like not thinking about sex as much. Perhaps having breasts would make me feel differntly, and more confident, but I doubt it. I do not rely on the publics acceptance of me, to gauge my self worth. It is more of an anecdote. I am going out as me, regardless of what society at large, or as individuals think about me as a person.

It really boils down to what Darlene said. Do I feel a need to do this?, and right now I don't. And if that changes, I will just have to deal with it then. That is what I hear my sisters telling me. Stop worrying about what I might think or feel later.

Love always,
Elizabeth

[Elizabeth]

Lorna,

It is a strange coincedence that you should should mention the 5 steps of grieving. I was just using that as an analogy to my son, about accepting the loss of Rudy. He was telling me that he misses Rudy sometimes, but that he has greived the loss, and now accepts that Rudy, as least as we knew him, is never coming back.

I personally never grieved the loss of my male personna because it was a made up character. It was more like a person who got to use my body for 30 years. I am glad he is gone. I am just one person now. I don't have to think "what should I say?" "What would a man say?". "did that sound too feminine?" "is that bold and brazen enough?"."do they know I'm scared?"

I don't have to think about any of that stuff anymore. Even if I totally lost my desire to dress like a woman, I would never go back to being that person. I have accepted me. And I love who I am, for the first time ever. I guess I am just afraid of surprises ruining my bliss. Hey world!!!! I'm Elizabeth!!!!!!

Love always,
Elizabeth

[Amelie-Laveau]

I have read your thread Elizabeth, although I find it hard to understand everything. There is one point you make that might be of interest. You say you are a chronic over thinker, this might be giving you some problems. Sometimes can make a small problem much bigger by thinking about it so much. Sometimes answers are right in front of you, without thinking like Plato.
I am in a similar predictiment, I think about transitioning to female, then I have thoughts that it is not female that I want. I have thoughts of being, she-male. i would like all the parts of a woman, but not the genitals. I think it is because I am gay I see myself more as a she-male than being a woman.
Like you, I think about it costantly, I play out every scenario in my head. How will it all go together, at what costs. It is like I am thinking myself to death. When the answers are probably very close by. I just can't find them.
I really don't know what else to add, the others here said a lot.
Love Amelie

[Loretta Ann]

Elizabeth,

This just arrived in my inbox and I think it adds to what we have been talking about. So I will share it with you.

“Smooth seas never makes good sailors.”

I was on my usual run. The mercury hovered above 90 degrees. It was hot.

Sweat poured into my face stinging my eyes as my feet pounded the pavement in a steady rhythm. I saw a man standing in a doorway and then heard a shout,

“That will either kill you or make you strong!”

Both halves of the statement were true.

Such heat combined with the exertion could surely kill you.
It’s always an elevated risk exercising in extreme temperatures.

I waved and kept moving. Heat kills a few but inactivity kills
a thousand times more. His statement applied to more than just
running in the heat. It applies to all tough situations.
When tough things come, it will either strengthen you or break
you down. It will make you better or bitter. It will make you an overcomer or overwhelm you.

Tough things can kill.
They kill the spirit, hopes, dreams, visions and even desire.
Excessive pressure can make you explode
or make you learn new ways to constructively vent.

Spirit is very much like the physical; you can’t build muscle
without weight or put another way, “Smooth seas never makes good sailors.”

Heat, pressure, weight on your shoulders, and the constant demands of life can make you strong. They build your faith.

After six miles, I finished my run, exhausted but feeling better. I went inside, showered, and took a nap.

I ran hard for the six and then rested.

There are keys to improving your odds that the pressure will make you stronger.

Running hard when you need to and then resting when you don't, is one of those keys..

You have been running pretty hard, now might be time to rest and enjoy.

[Elizabeth]

Darlene,

Yes, I have been thinking the same. I do have a few more tasks before I can rest, but it is at hand. Thank you sister, you know me better than I know myself.

Love always,
Elizabeth

[Lorna]

I don't have to think about any of that stuff anymore. Even if I totally lost my desire to dress like a woman, I would never go back to being that person. I have accepted me. And I love who I am, for the first time ever. I guess I am just afraid of surprises ruining my bliss. Hey world!!!! I'm Elizabeth!!!!!!

Awesome!!

You and I are right on the same page. Sometimes when I read one of your posts I swear that I'm looking into a mirror.