Hi Charlotte,
Welcome to the forum!
Obviously, you've already toured the place a bit. Good for you. I'm glad you find the board a good place to share of yourself. This sharing often releases pressure that's been too long pent up. Which is why I always recommend that , despite the risks, crossdressers open themselves up to those whom they care about and who care about them.
In one of her replies, Missy touched on an issue that seems to me of capital importance; you need to work out whether or not your desire is to "present" as a woman or to really
become a woman. One way to work this out is by exchanging and communicating with other people who've walked a similar road (or, in the case of therapists, who get paid to act as a mirror to our own soul). That you, yourself, refer to this "wanting to become a woman," is a strong indication, I think, that just wearing the clothes, although it may offer temporary relief, may not be enough to satisfy the requirements of your deepest, inmost self. I may be wrong in this, but your disenchantment with your own anatomy (to put it mildly) is a sure sign, I think, that you may be closer to the TS end of the spectrum than many of us. Most crossdressers are not so displeased at being "owners" of a penis, so to speak (even though they may go to great lengths to hide it while dressed "en femme"
).
My suggestion? Read. There are many good books and web sites out there on both crossdressing and transsexualism (if you can learn how to search on the Net without bringing up a whole load of pornographic garbage, that is!
). Read, and talk to people. Make contacts that will help you sort some of this out. You say therapy isn't an option? Hmmm... I don't know where you are, in Ontario, but I do know there are CD support groups in both Ottawa and Toronto, at the very least. Maybe you can check them out.
As for telling your wife. As Missy said, if you've been together for forty years, this shouldn't normally be something that will destroy your marriage; I'm sure you two must've weathered plenty of more urgent and possibly destructive crises. However, you
can expect her to be mad as hell for having kept this from her for so long (if, as you say, you had these feelings even in your teenage years). On the other hand, she might just feel relief at finally discovering what's been making your wheels squeak, lately. One thing's for sure, regardless of the risk to your relationship, your keeping this to yourself any further stands a chance of destroying
you. And without you, no relationship is possible with anyone, let alone with your wife.
I know there are some older members, here. I'm only 43 and I've never been married, so take anything I say with a grain of salt; further, always test anything
anyone says ("professionals" included) not only against your own experience but against your own gut feelings.
I wish you well, Charlotte. I look forward to hearing more from you.
Love,
CJ
