kids

[LeftyRainbow(SO)]

Hi it's me again!

Thanks for helping with my previous question.This time I have a more serious question.

How has SO's and CD's alike handled any questions from their kids?

My other half and I have given this much thought (see my comments under genetic girl talk).

We are considering asking professionals their opinion. Either way I am very interested in finding out how others have and /or plan on handling these questions in the future.

Would appriciate any comments, Thanks :!:

L.R.

[Kay(SO)]

Hi there,
I think it's good to get professional help with this topic, especially if you're struggling with what to say. I guess what I'm wondering is why they're asking and what kind of questions? We make sure that there is no reason for them to ask questions on a personal level here in the house. They have asked me about what they've seen on TV or in movies and I've explained that some people do this or that and it's there's nothing wrong with it. I've really tried to teach them not to be judgmental but at the same time I've explained to them that other's are. We've decided that they don't need to know about my husband's CDing. Neither of us can see how it would serve them to know unless he were going to do it around the house in their presence but that's not going to happen. He would be mortified and die first. Just my two cents on the topic.
Kay

[LeftyRainbow(SO)]

Kay(SO),

Thanks Kay.It's hard to say what kind of questions.

example would be that we were back to school shopping and my oldest asked why my other half was looking at the Women's section.

He wasn't blatently shopping, his eyes just caught site of an item and he stopped for a brief second.

What it told us was that my oldest is more aware than we suspected and we want to be prepared for future situations.

My sweetie would be horrified also when it comes to any discussion with kids. So would I for that matter, I don't think it's appropriate.

We are definately looking into professional suggestions however I was looking for feedback here also.

Thanks!

L.R.

[CJ]

Hi Lefty,

You're right; it's good to get a professional opinion on this. However, it seems to me that all such questions (and answers) ought to be examined on a case by case basis.

I have no children of my own, but I do have a 12-year old niece whom I very much adore. A couple of years ago, she came to my place for a weekend visit. While here, she noticed I had a "Diva David" magnet set on my fridge door. She asked me why the man was dressed like a lady; I hesitated for a brief moment, not being sure how her own parents would want the question handled. In the end, knowing that she's bright, inquisitive, and open enough to understand the basics of gender variance, I did my best to explain it to her. She then asked me (and I should've seen it coming!) if I was like that too. I tried to see how I could possibly weasel out of that one; I couldn't. So I told her the truth: yes, I'm also like that... sometimes. But I'm always, and will always be, the uncle she's come to love (she very much sees me as a flesh-and-blood link to her distant father, who lives on the other side of the country).
She seemed to understand. (Her mother's another story, altogether!)

If I'd suspected that she wasn't ready to understand, I wouldn't have told my niece. It just seems to me that some children lead more sheltered lives than others. Perhaps those aren't ready to wrap their young minds around the example set by cross-gendered role models.

My question to you, Lefty, is: do you think your children are ready to handle this about your SO? If not, when do you think they will? The danger, here, is for them to find out some other way--the lesson learned will be that "this" is something we have to hide from people because many just don't accept it and that, even though you harm no one and are expressing who you are more fully, inordinate regard should be given to what others think.

Case by case. Child by child. You and your SO are the best judges, here, for you know your children best. May it all turn out right for your family!

Love,
CJ

[LeftyRainbow(SO)]

CJ,

I don't believe in telling children things without there being a benefit on the childs part from the discussion.

If my sons came to me with a question about their dad, I would answer it with an honest age appropriate answer depending upon what information they were looking for.
What I would not do is give them more information then they were looking for.

I agree with your statement about handling each child differently.
Thanks for your input and story...I like to hear as many as possible!

Also see my post under Curious Daughters and Girlfriends about this subject if you'd like!

Thanks again CJ

Lefty

[Curly(SO)]

Hi,

This is a difficult one. I personally wouldn't want our kids to know, but this is mainly because we have ex-husband and ex-wife to deal with. Ed and I don't have any kids together, but have one girl and two boys with previous partners, so we would be wary of the consequences of them finding out.
Having said that, I suppose by keeping CDing a big secret, we are re-inforcing the taboo, acting like it is something to be ashamed of, and not encouraging knowledge and acceptance of crossdressing. Maybe we should be more honest about it, so that being Transgendered is as known about and accepted as Gay and Lesbians have become.
I have to say I feel quite embarrassed and ashamed at how little I knew about CDing until recently. CDers were just 'odd people' to be pointed out and stared at, with no real thought as to why, or what they have gone through. If kids grow up knowing about crossdressing, maybe attitudes will slowly change.

Curly(SO)

[CJ]

Hear, hear, Curly!

We talk about gays and lesbians being in the closet, but I think it's much more literally the case with crossdressers. As Rikki pointed out in another thread, we're even considered a, sometimes disdained, minority within the GLBT rank and file. Talk about your "closet": we're all the way behind the shoe rack at the bottom!

Not to minimize the complexity of the issue (regarding which Lefty brings up some very good points) but--and I realize I say this as a non-parent--our fear of the possible negative consequences of disclosure to our children is too often heightened, I think, by both our almost tragic underestimate of their intelligence and sensitivity and our own inability to imagine good outcomes, such as the one you so well describe, Curly.

We have this very natural tendency sometimes (as adults made cynical and jaded by a world that doesn't seem to care) to want to preserve our children's innocence. I don't think we can do that by keeping them ignorant of the wild, wacky, wonderful, and yes, often worrisome, ways of human beings. Rather, teach them to encompass all the possibilities of being human and to seek out in wonderment the richness of others and how those others fit into the child's own understanding of who she is. This is how I keep fresh my own awe at the world.

Yet, I understand, as I've said above, that this recipe's not for every cook. Children are no less unique than adults and we have to respect that, on either side. I find it encouraging that many parents show a willingness to be open about this, even if that willingness isn't bourne out in the accomplishment. A sign that things are changing, perhaps.

I sure hope Lefty will let us know how it works out regarding her own situation. You'll let us know, right, Lefty? (no "punnish" juxtaposition intended, I swear! )

Love,
Christina J.

[Mandy (SO)]

Hello, just wanted to throw my two cents in here. I don't believe in telling our children because I want them to completely form their own sexuality, just like I wouldn't give details of what goes on in our bedroom. Once they have firm ideas of it (and yes, I realize this happens often after they are adults) I don't think I would have a problem with it, as long as they are (hopefully we are raising them right) to have an open attitude towards such things. I just wouldn't want it to even take a chance in influending them in one way or another. I think they can learn to be accepting and find their own way through our other teachings, and I don't think saying "Daddy is a crossdresser" would help along that road.

[Honey(SO)]

Mandy- I think we are on the same channel about our kids too. We have 2 adult children that live on their own and 2 kids ,9 and 17 at home. DH does not dress in front of them and usually only when they are out of the house or in our bedroom.
We are both comfortable with this and the fact that they do not know.
At this point I am not sure we will ever tell our kids, although our 22 daughter we feel would be very accepting since she feels very comfortable with alternative lifestyles and had a good friend in HS that was a crossdresser, she was very supportive of his right to dress how he wanted even in school. But we feel it is too much of a secret for her to have to keep from her brothers so we keep it to ourselves.

Now we were watching the DR Phil show last week when the CD plummer was on and the 9 year old walked in and was watching it, he looked at me and said why does he do that?? I said because he wants to and it makes him feel good. Son said 'thats stupid'. DH and I just did not know how to react since we were unprepared for this.
Now we know we need to talk to each other and decide how we will handle more shows or the eventual questions about CD or any other lifestyles. Kids are alot more intuitive than we give them credit for so we must be prepared ahead of time to give them honest answers. But just like when they ask where babies come from only give them as much info as they can handle, one question at a time, they don't have to know every intimate detail.
]Honey

[Gelinda]

Well, I agree talk to a pro on this. But for me, It is very important that my kids do not know. I do not know why which is one of the things I have been fighting in my mind. Gee.

[Stef]

This is a topic that has weighed heavily upon me for a long time and here is how I'm handling the topic with my son.

I keep everything realated to Stef in my bedroom (which the door always stays closed) with the few things that are in the laundry room. I do not hide them, they are there. I never dress in front of my son. I think when he gets old enough to ask why I have these things he will be old enough for me to tell him.

I have tried to teach him to be open minded to let others live how they want without judgement. I think I've done a good job so far because he's the kid that gets along with everyone and won't start a fight but is quick to defend someone from a bully.

Hugs,
Stef

[Sally]

Hello Lefty,

My wife and I have always treated it on a need to know basis and until the three kids were well past puberty and young adults we felt they didn't need to know, as they had enough to deal with until they completed their education and started to make their own way in the world.

It worked well for us, but then we did educate them from an early age to accept people for who they are, of course all the time making them aware of the good and not so good people who make up the community. Through their early teenage years we made a point of discussing with them that sexuality and gender varied from person and was really no different than the variations in peoples skin colour, hair or eye colour or their shape or size etc and we endeavoured to teach them that you treat people as you would wish to be treated yourself.

I must add also that in my case it was essential for us to at some time make our kids aware of me because until the last few years there was a chance that I would need to transtition completely and then naturally there would have been a real need to know.
I would also add that although the three of them have never shown any unacceptance of me, I have an underlying feeling that the two girls are completely accepting but our son may have some reservations. It's just a feeling, he has never said anything adverse.

I would also suggest, that with them knowing their mother is so supportive of me it was a major factor with how they accepted it all.

I realise that every family is unique to themselves but I've always used it as a general rule of thumb with children that if they haven't been brought up with it from the first inst then generally it may be better to leave it until they are young adults so that they have had a chance to see a bit of real life and mix with people from all walks of life. I also get back to the need to know line. In many families there will never be a need for everyone to know and sometimes this is the best way for it to be.

I wish you well and I'm sure with your attitude, you'll both find what is right for your personal situation.

Kind Regards.

Sally.

[Elizabeth]

I agree with Sally. My two older children, my daughter 21 and my son 17 both know. When i told them they both admitted they already knew. My son told me that he didn't want me to be mad, but he had snooped through my things since he was 10-11 years old. My daughter did not admit snooping, but she implied it and said that she had know for a long time. Both are very accepting and have been supportive.

I have always taught my children to accept all people regardless of age, sex, religion, race, sexual preference, economic status, or any other reason that people get segregated. This is the best way to insure your own acceptance.

Having said all that, I have a son that is about to turn 13 and is already in puberty, and I have a 10 year old son who will be starting puberty soon. From what I read telling them at this point where they have not discovered their own sexual identity, telling them could cause them to have gender issues they may not have otherwise. Knowing how hard it has been accepting myself with my own gender issues, I certainly don't want this for my children. If I am confronted with it directely, I won't lie, but by the same token I have to agree that it is on a need to know basis, and they have no need to know yet.
Love always,
Elizabeth