Scheduling Agreement with My Wife

Maggie · Post by **Maggie** » Fri Dec 10, 2004 3:01 pm

For those who might be interested, here is an update on the progress I am making in the struggle to accept my own crossdressing, as well as arriving at some accommodation with my wife.

In previous posts I mentioned that, after toying for a while with the possibility that I might be a transgendered person, I concluded that I was not - at least not in the strict sense of feeling that I was a female trapped in a male body. I decided that I was more like a male actor performing the role of a female character that I had created.

While I love to portray Maggie and feel very relaxed and natural and "right" as a woman, I have no desire to change my gender. I decided that I was infinitely freer, happier, and more valuable being a genuine man than being a make-believe woman. I found much more pleasure in appreciating the looks, qualities, and sexuality of real women than in trying to imitate one myself. I cherished my role as a man relating to the real woman in my life.

At the same time, I have come to recognize that Maggie continues to serve a deep-seated psychological need, despite the increased integration of my "masculine" and "feminine" sides. I sometimes feel as if my true "soul" is that of a woman, that I have dutifully accepted the challenge of living in a male body, and that I am trying to make the best of it. But now and then the woman inside me simply gets tired of being a man and needs a brief "vacation" from it. She needs a chance to relax and be herself for a while, in order to recharge her psychic batteries.

Although I have tried to deny, ignore, and/or rationalize it, I have always thought about cross-dressing, even when not actually doing it. Trying to suppress it has only caused me to obsess more about it. Therefore, as much as I have resisted it, I must accept the fact that I am, indeed, a "cross-dresser" or "transvestite." However, my need is not addressed simply by wearing items of women's clothing or by cross-dressing in private. Rather, I need to present myself totally as a woman to other people - either by way of theatrical performance or through social interaction.

I have decided that, in order to maintain my balance and inner peace, I need a well-defined outlet for expressing myself as Maggie. I need to become Maggie more frequently than sporadic and unpredictable theatrical opportunities will allow. After discussing the matter with my wife, I have decided to join one or more of the TG support groups in my area, and to participate in TG activities on a monthly basis. This would also give Maggie opportunities to visit shopping malls, restaurants, and other public places en route to the meeting places. Because my wife does not like to see me in drag, I am setting up a discrete place in the house in which to change in and out of costume.

Just knowing that Maggie will have regularly-scheduled monthly outings has reduced my stress by giving me something positive to look forward to. This arrangement might also help my wife feel more secure, by placing my cross-dressing within definite, mutually agreed boundaries.

By accepting my transvestism and the woman within, I may be better able to express my female self in a constructive, responsible way. Perhaps, as a member of a TG support group, I might even help other men who are struggling with their own cross-dressing and transgender issues.

I am planning to go as Maggie to a TG support group meeting this coming Saturday, while my wife attends a party. I'll let you know how it turns out.

Post by **DonnaT** » Fri Dec 10, 2004 5:16 pm

I hope you have a pleasant meeting.

It will be different, meeting and interacting with other CDs in real life, knowing now that you are also a CD. You've gained a lot of insight in the last year, so your input at the meeting may be helpful to another. And you may find input from another CD you've not considered before.

I sometimes feel as if my true "soul" is that of a woman, that I have dutifully accepted the challenge of living in a male body, and that I am trying to make the best of it. But now and then the woman inside me simply gets tired of being a man and needs a brief "vacation" from it. She needs a chance to relax and be herself for a while, in order to recharge her psychic batteries.

Very insightful!

Let us know how things went for you.

Virginia · Post by **Virginia** » Fri Dec 10, 2004 5:49 pm

Maggie, honey, I guess congratulations are in order, huh??? I know in reading your posts in the past that you have been and maybe still are struggling a bit with Maggie. Far be it from Virginia to try and guide you and your sisters here can only give you insight into their struggles, but not meaning to be presumptions or getting ahead of the curve, but "Honey, Welcome Aboard!" You will enjoy your "Magical, Mystery Tour" and please keep us posted as you journey on and how your meetings go. I can only say that I think you will enjoy yourself!
Love,
Virgnia

Loretta Ann · Post by **Loretta Ann** » Fri Dec 10, 2004 6:57 pm

Maggie

It is very apparent that you have had a real good look inside of you, and have come a long way in beginning to know and understand who you are. I too am very impressed.

At the same time, I have come to recognize that Maggie continues to serve a deep-seated psychological need, despite the increased integration of my "masculine" and "feminine" sides. I sometimes feel as if my true "soul" is that of a woman, that I have dutifully accepted the challenge of living in a male body, and that I am trying to make the best of it.

Darlene...irrespective of how much of a woman she really is, indeed has been the challenge that I have had to accept, recognizing her presence in this male body, Then becoming able to focus on learning how to make the best of it.

Thank you very much for helping me put it in those words. That helps to eliminate any confusion about it.

Love Darlene.

Maggie · Post by **Maggie** » Fri Dec 10, 2004 7:16 pm

Thanks for your kind words regarding my self-acceptance as a CD.

I guess my perspective at the upcoming TG meeting will be somewhat different than it was at the three different TG/CD meetings I previously attended last year, when I considered myself to be simply an actor playing a role, and not really part of the TG community. Furthermore, I could not have made a continuing commitment to any of those groups at the time, because I was only able to attend meetings on the rare occasions when my wife was out of town on the dates they met. Now I hope that I can take a more active role and truly become one of the girls.

It feels very liberating to think of myself as a girl. But I am still somewhat bothered and frightened by the idea. I still don't understand what's going on. It's one thing to embrace a female identity as an actor who is getting into character for a female role. It's quite another thing to embrace the idea that the "real me" is actually feminine.

If it's really true that I'm a woman at heart, then this would explain a lot about what I have felt all my life. But if so, what will happen to the male persona in which I, my family, and others have so much invested? Once I have fully liberated the true, feminine me, will I have trouble forcing myself back into my male straight-jacket? Or is this all just some kind of erotic fantasy? Is it worth undermining my effectiveness as a man?

Before I go overboard in embracing my feminine identity, I am wondering how many of you CD's in this form (as distinguished from the TS's and truly transgendered individuals) actually think of yourself as being women? Even though you playfully call yourselves "girls" and use femme names, do you still think of yourselves as having a predominately male identity?

As you can see, my gender identity issue is still not quite resolved.

Loretta Ann · Post by **Loretta Ann** » Fri Dec 10, 2004 7:49 pm

Hi again.

do you still think of yourselves as having a predominately male identity?

No I don't see myself as having a predominately male identity, (what ever that means) or recognize the need to do that.
I see myself as having a mixed identity, and focus on learning how to live with who I am. That is what I meant when I said, That helps to eliminate any confusion about it.

As you can see, my gender identity issue is still not quite resolved.

Yes that is apparent in your posts but you have come along way.

Love Darlene.

Post by **DonnaT** » Fri Dec 10, 2004 8:45 pm

I do not see myself as a woman nor feminine.

My female side is a bit smaller than my male side. I have constant urges to go out in fem attire, but not constant urges to dress fully, whether home or out. But I do have some urges in that regard, which contributed to my attending the TG party last weekend. I also determined that I do not think I need to be a member of a TG "club."

There are different levels of crossdressing. I've been self aware for quite some time now, and my outing merely confirmed it.

You are just now finding out where your level is.

Go with it, don't fight it. Self denial may only lead to self destruction. You may find, after becoming an attive member of the TG communitiy, that it really isn't something you need. It may be that these new feelings are too overwhelming right now. So ease yourself into finding your path. There is no rush.

Virginia · Post by **Virginia** » Fri Dec 10, 2004 9:36 pm

Maggie, honey, my sister Donna speaks some great truths: Don't fight it, yet take it at your own pace. You will find your own level of acceptance then once you are comfortable with yourself you can become an explorer of this gift. Right now I feel I am doing both according to Jung, Virginia is both paralleling and integrating. Almost all the time in "male mode" I sense her presence and a lot of my interaction and reaction to difference circumstances are feminine responses, via, Virginia. I am at a stage where dressing up is not a driving force. I am very comfortable to interact with people and feel it is actually "my feminine side" expressing herself. Each of us "feel" different and react different and if we are not acting like some of our other sisters are it can be difficult to understand what they are experiencing. There is no right or wrong. I will say this - I have posted before - had it not been for Virginia, I could not have made it through this situation with my wife's illness and to my dying day I know that when I reached my "male" breaking point which actually was not much, I experienced Virginia and I could hear her say, "Don't worry, honey, I am here and everything will be OK!" And it was!!!! Her strength is the only thing that got me through this and no can understand unless that themselves experience what I did and it was beautiful!!!!!
Good luck, Maggie and honey, enjoy your journey your gonna love it!
Virginia

RikkiOfLA · Post by **RikkiOfLA** » Sat Dec 11, 2004 7:08 am

I usually think of myself as a person who has both male and female characteristics. In the way I interact with people I am definitely female. I am much more comfortable that way. In my thoughts and the way I think, and what I do by myself and how I do it, I am definitely more male.

So, the content of my day can skew my gender identity a bit. That's a bit weird, I think.

Recently I had to fill out a form. "Sex" had two choices "M" or "F". I left those uncircled, but added a "T" and circled it.

Transgendered fits me to a "T" I guess.

Interesting that many crossdressers think that they are not "truly transgendered." Many transsexuals feel the same way--"I'm a woman; I'm not transgendered."

So who are the transgendered anyway?

Maggie · Post by **Maggie** » Sat Dec 11, 2004 3:07 pm

Thanks for all your support and insightful comments.

For the moment, I will stop struggling with the question of whether my "inner self" is male or female -- just as I have stopped giving myself high blood pressure by trying to "prove" my masculinity. I have made a lot of progress over the past year in integrating Maggie's good feelings into my male persona. This seems to have improved my health, both psychologically and physically.

My hoped-for resolution of my gender issues would be: (1) to complete the integration of my masculine and feminine sides; (2) to enjoy being a girl during the times I am scheduled to be Maggie; and (3) to enjoy being a guy for the rest of the time.

Maggie · Post by **Maggie** » Sun Dec 12, 2004 7:59 pm

Well, I went as Maggie to the TG support group meeting on Saturday night. My wife attended another Christmas party, to which we had both been invited, and told people that I was at an office party.

Transforming myself into a realistic woman is always more stressful and time consuming than I would like, and Saturday was no exception. However, once I became Maggie, I cheered up. The TG group that I was going to was having a potluck dinner party, so I stopped at a supermarket to buy some stuff to contribute.

There were about 20 people at the TG dinner, mainly M2F, with perhaps 2 F2M and and 2 GGs. At least half of those in attendance were either full time CD's, in transition, or TS. Most of them seemed a bit somber. I think I was probably having more fun being a girl than most others. As in the past, I was the only one bothering to speak in a femme voice and act in character. Maybe it was because I was have a great time acting.

I love being Maggie. She is a charming character with a lot of self-confidence and positive energy. She gives balance to my life.

This is all I can write now. Wife is calling.

Elizabeth · Post by **Elizabeth** » Sun Dec 12, 2004 9:50 pm

Maggie,

I am so happy to see that you are starting to find some balance in your life. And remembering when you were in denial, I am glad to see you coming to terms with that also.

I am not sure exactly where I fit in. I dress everyday now. I don't wear breastforms or a wig. This is not a character I play. This is how I feel best. Am I a woman? I don't know any of these things. I have definite female characteristics. And it feels great shaving my body and dressing like a girl. If I tire of dressing up as a girl I will stop, but for now, it feels very right.

Good luck on your journey.

Love always,
Elizabeth

Virginia · Post by **Virginia** » Mon Dec 13, 2004 5:20 pm

Maggie,
Ain't it great!!! When Virginia goes out (and my apologizes to any of my sisters who were at the dinner and may feel offended) she, as they say, "accepts and plays the role to the best of her ability." Like you I can not see her acting any other way than the girl she is. In difference to my sister, Elizabeth, I am not engaged in a 24/7 (yet), so it becomes, how shall I say, a real treat for Virginia to be invited out or go out on her own to a movie or just drive around. I choose not (or Virginia chooses for me) not be dressed 24/7. She is 24/7 but she is not physical 24/7 and I would think that is her choice given the environment we currently exist in. We seem to be happy with where we are and it is a day to day love affair. Maggie, keep us posted as you travel your own path.
Love,
Virginia