How often do you CCCCRRRRYYYY over your CDing

[Gelinda]

How often do you cry over your CDing.

I have of late found myself crying at the drop of a hat over thinking about CDing and life in general. I do not what the problem is or what bring it on. I can be watching a movie with a touchy feely part and I go to crying. I have never done that before.


Any one have any ideas, do I need to go to the nut house???????????


Gee or Gelinda. ????????????????????????????????

[Beauty]

Hi Gelinda,

No I don't think you're in for a trip to the psychiatric ward. It could be many things, but I'm not a professional so anything I guessed would be just that a guess out of the hundreds of possibilities.

It's great that you're talking about it.

I've had mopey moments about my CD'ing, but I can't say I ever really balled my eyes out. Still maybe I would have if the timing and everything was right.

Beauty

[Kersten Lee]

Gee,

I've been really busy for awhile but not so busy not to notice how much you have been hurting over this cross-dressing thing.

When my father used to beat me and degrade me, I learned not to cry for pain he caused me. He only tried harder to hurt me to make me cry and I did not. I always cried in private. I could never accept the feelings I had about myself, because it was not right and that was all there was to it. There were times when he did not know for sure whether my younger brother or I was responsible for what ever made him mad. My brother would lose on these punishment trials. He often would confess to stop the whipping when I was guilty. I wasn't a good brother.

I was never a man's man and have discovered I never will be. I always cry at movies I love. I quit going in public because of my shame and embarrassment so many years ago. I suffered growing up because of who I am. I can cry at home and watch movies to my hearts content. I can remember back to five when I got a pair of my mothers white high heel sandals and a string of fake pearls. I put my tiny feet into them and the long necklace around my neck. I still feel the comfort and happiness I felt.

My first friend in Kindergarten was a girl. All through school my best friends were girls. I enjoyed talking and playing with them, but again it was not right. I wanted to wear their clothes and paint my nails, but it was not acceptable. I loved to play hopscotch with the girls, but that was not acceptable. I played with mothers lipstick and that was not acceptable. I shaved myself and some times used matches to burn off the hair, that definitely was not acceptable. I used my mothers eyelash curler to curl my long beautiful eyelashes. So many girls were envious of my eyelashes and even a grandmother commented often about my lashes.

Two years of therapy and knowing all of you has brought me to the conclusion that being me is best. My dad hated gays and I believed growing up that I was one of these horrible creatures. I even thought my wife might have even wondered if I was gay. A year into therapy I finally asked the question, Am I Gay? The therapist, who knew of my cross-dressing from the beginning, said no. Have I fanticized about men? Do I get turned on by men? Have I been romantically involved with a man? My answers were absolutely no to all questions. I am intelligent but with matters of the heart I have not been. In the session I actually said, thank
God at least I'm not Gay!! I couldn't wait to tell my wife. She said why would you think that? I thought men who loved to dress feminine were gay. My wife said that I love women to much to be gay. Even during 28 years of marriage, I did not even believe my wife when I asked over and over if she thought I could be gay.

I have a mixed gender personallity. I have been this way from the beginning and will be the same when I die. The science is there and is getting more conclusive by the day. Things in this life don't change much. History does repeat always if anyone would care to check. Galeleo, who by personal observation and science concluded that the earth revolved around the sun was prosecuted by the Catholic Church. Under threat of death, he recanted to live locked in his own home until he died. The church did not want him perverting the populace. Galeleo finally got a pardon from the church recently. Who cares! That was too little way to late. I now support gay rights also. Hating our children or hating ourselves only can result in more hate.

I went to Lincoln, Nebraska last week Wed. I wanted to buy a wig that was me. I chanced to stop at a Sally's beauty supply and asked if anyone of them could make a recommendation for a wig shop. The first women said that she didn't think there was a men's shop. I explained and appologized if I offended them. All three said no and started discussing between them on where I should go. They were looking at a telephone book when another woman came in for the next work shift. One asked her and she started to talk to me of a friend of hers that she said was just wonderful. I said I would go and she gave me directions and a number. We visited awhile and found we were the same age. She talked me into signing up to start getting sale and beauty information from the store. She was a most wonderful and kind person.

I went to the wig and hairdressing shop. A 5 ft tall 60 something woman walked right up to me and asked if I came from Sally's. I said yes and she said that her friend had called about me coming. She said she could see in my eyes and face of what her friend spoke. She said not to worry and to come with her. I did and we went to a private room and she talked to me awhile trying to see what I wanted. I told her I only wanted to spent this much. She tried several on me and fitted and styled them. I felt perfect. Two years ago I would have screamed at myself, You Pervert!! I told her to move up in price and got more specific in what I was looking for. She got one and then another. As she styled, I started to cry tears down my cheeks as I watched myself and her in the mirror. I was sitting and she walked around and patted me on the knee and asked, what's the matter dear, is it too expensive for you. We could put it on lay away and you could make payments. I cried a little harder and she patted me on the knee again and asked again, what's the matter dear. I told her seeing myself in the mirror, I feel happiness at feeling pretty. She said, it was quite lovely on me. She went on to say that with a little make-up and a nice blouse I would look very pretty. I did buy it and I asked her if she knew anyone in my town to take care of it and style it for me. She said she had a friend here and that I should call her back the end of this week to see what information she put together. She may have fooled me and was only good at selling to cross-dressers. I like to think that all these women were wonderful.

To your original question, yes, I used to suffer and cry a lot over my "perversion". Now I am happy and cry if I need to. No hurt, no shame.
Gee, Love yourself! If you can't, as I couldn't all my lifetime, I would still recommend seeing someone. There is no shame in accepting your feelings. Those that love to judge others, let them judge. I know I used to hurt my soul judging others. Those that judge or fear us are only ignorant. They only hurt themselves. They are only living pretend lives anyway. Love yourself and enjoy who you are. You are unique. Walking lock-step is boring anyway.

Love Ya,
Kersten

[Elizabeth]

Gee,

Like Kersten I grew up feeling that no one loved me, and with good reason. I too locked away my tears. I decided that I would not give anyone the satistaction of knowing they made me cry. Once when I was 12 an older boy twisted my arm behind my back nearly dislocating insisting that I cry, or he would break it and I would certainly cry. But I did not.

Left alone in a hospital for 4 days in a city far from home when I was 9, with my eye injured, wondering if I would be blind, and frightened, still I would not cry. I broke my leg playing school yard football at age 13 and would not cry. It seemed important to me.

So all through my life I held my emotions, or cried in private, never letting others see this weakness.

But once I came out of the closet, and let the world know that Elizabeth is who I am, it seems I cry at the drop of a hat. I have talked about it in other threads. It was part of my male mask, men don't cry. We are tough, and we certainly dont' have emotions. We don't cry when movies are happy or sad.

Now I am free to feel and experience my emotions as they happen. I know what it means to "have a good cry" now. To release that emotion, and not have it build up. Because all of these things are a part of me and it allows me to also be happy. Now when I am happy I smile, or sometimes cry, when I am angry, I am angry, when I am sad I cry. But now they are only moments and they pass. They don't define me, except perhaps those closest to me say I seem much happier.

I have had several people who have seen my boy on my homepage say that I either looked sad, or looked like I had a hard life when viewing my "boy mode" pics. But also noticed that I really look happy in my current pics, while dressed as a girl. Yes, dressing as a girl makes me happy. but mostly it is that I am not living a lie anymore, and I am able to express my emotions now. Because when you suppress your sadness it makes you suppress everything.

So, it may be that this crying you are experienceing is Gelinda saying "hey, I am going to let this out. All of it." Perhaps it is not a bad thing at all. Because only once you have delt with your sadness, can you get past it, to be happy. And you can deal with your sadness without experiencing it.

Gee, I think the fact that you are feeling anything at all, is a good thing. And as long as you cry when you are both happy and sad, tells me it is not just depression, but it is Gee, feeling everything as much as possible. I know you have had a tough time lately dealing with crossdressing issues, but maybe this is your subconcious desires to deal with the non-dressing aspects of it?

Love always,
Elizabeth

[DonnaT]

Not over CDing, but I can read a sad exerpt from a story, or watch something on tv or a movie, or even some posts I've read, and tears start. Didn't use to be that way. Heck, my wife can be watching the same thing and not shed a drop.

Nothing wrong with getting in touch with ones emotional feelings.

[Maggie]

I haven't cried about CDing, but I have cried about other things.

To the extent that I have found peace in my life, it is founded on self-love and self-respect. I found that I must first love myself, before my love can be of value to others. I think that the first time I came to love myself was during a very rough time I was having, living alone in an apartment, many years ago, before I met my wife. I really couldn't stand myself. I felt very defective and unlovable. It was then that I decided for the first time to totally dress as a woman. That is when Maggie was born.

When I saw Maggie in the mirror, I found that I loved myself as a woman. After a while, I was able to transfer that self-love to me as a man. Instead of wearing women's clothing, I decided to wear men's kilts. Shortly thereafter I met my wife, got married, had kids, and achieved a lot of other good things.

During a period of stress about two years ago, I began to re-experiment again with CDing, and, lo and behold, I found that Maggie was still there. I am very proud of her, both on stage and off. She is charming, affable, and self-confident, and people (other than my wife) really seem to like her. I assume that she will be around for a while, so I just have to figure out how to fit her into my life.

[Celia]

I don't cry about CD'ing because it isn't a problem. If others consider it to be so, let's cry for them (unless, of course, they're a**holes about it ).

A number of years back I was prescribed Luvox. For a couple of years, my emotional terrain was featureless--I was a punching bag with a smiley painted on it. I went off the medication around the time my grandfather died. I soon realized what I'd been missing: the apathy that had enveloped my life like a pointless dream dissipated, and I began to actually care about things once again. I cry pretty easily these days, but I laugh pretty easily, too.

Don't worry, Gelinda, about the fact that you're crying more these days: wonder instead why, for so long, you didn't.

Yours,
Celia

[DonnaT]

With respect to Crossdressing, I went back and looked at:

http://ourworld.compuserve.com/homepage ... /anima.htm

and then paged down to "crossdressing" at:

http://www.genderweb.org/experien/obstg.html

Seems the "getting in touch with ones' fem emotions is all part of integrating with our Anima.

Cool!

[Elizabeth]

Hi girls,

I just wanted to add that everyday now I get up, shower, shave my body, dress as a girl, and put makeup on. And it never fails, that by the time I am done putting the last touch of powder on, I have the biggest smile on my face.

This has always been the case. Crossdressing has always been a source of great happiness, and never can I think of a time that it made me sad or made me cry. I have however been sad about wanting to crossdress when I could not. And wanting to live my life as a girl, and could not. I have been sad about not having the courage to come out of the closet. I have been sad about not having the courage to live my life as me. I may have cried in dispair, about these issues, but I don't recall a specific time.

While I have felt guilty about lying about dressing, and hiding clothes, never have I actually felt bad about crossdressing itself. Because there really is nothing that makes me feel like I feel when I am dressed up the way I feel I should be.

Love always,
Elizabeth

[RikkiOfLA]

Before I came to find myself as a crossdresser, I was in a chronic depression that lasted from early childhood until then. I cried often about my desire to crossdress. I couldn't accept it, and I couldn't get rid of it.

Acceptance was hard work. I had to let go of some things--my self-judging, my stereotypical "manly man" self-image, and my intolerance for those similar to myself.

Now the fog has lifted. I can see clearly. And I like what I see.

[Violet]

I'm bipolar. I don't need an excuse to cry.

Honestly, though, I haven't cried actual tears since I was very young. Come to think of it, that's very odd. It's not some masculinity, 'boys don't cry' issue either. I just don't. Even at my lowest points, when the pain of existing has made me want to cry (not to mention throw myself off the Broadway Bridge), I have never actually *wept*.

I'll go with Elizabeth on this. Not being able to allow myself to cross has made me want to cry on more than one occasion. No more. I refuse to feel guilt or grief for being what I am. I don't cry for the death that is in me, and I don't cry for the woman that is in me either.