Telling your SO--when is the right time?

[SharonRose]

Hello all,

As I said in my post under the Beginnings forum, I was in a relationship for five months last fall/winter, which culminated in our breaking up when I told her that I was a crossdresser.

I have read on many TG's websites that they did not tell their SO until after they were married.

I can understand the desire to keep this aspect of one's life a secret. Once you tell others, you lose control over who they may disclose this information to in the future.

Since my breakup with my ex-girlfriend, I have come to terms with my crossdressing. I accept that it is a part of me, and I am not ashamed about it. I know that there are others out there like myself, and with the support of my sisters I have ventured out of the closet and into the world.

I have dated on and off since then, but have not met anyone special until recently. I had a nice date with a GG over this past weekend, and I think the relationship might develop further.

This has made me think about a few things. If the relationship is a brief one, there is no point in telling her. But if we start to become close, emotionally, then at some point I will want to tell her. Ideally, it would be before we were physically . . . intimate. (my ex said that would have been the best time to tell her).

In my mind, if there is no emotional attachment, a SO might decide there is nothing to be lost by breaking up.

But, if they have had a chance to get to know me, and realize what kind of person I am, they may be better prepared to handle this information, and to realize that crossdressing is a part of me.

Another issue that concerns me is that I need to be able to trust my SO to be discreet, and not tell other people about my crossdressing. Many of the women who I meet are from a "common social circle", i.e. we have mutual acquaintances. I would prefer that these other people not know about my crossdressing. So I need to develop the relationship with my SO to the point that I can feel comfortable telling them, that I think they will be respectful of my desire for some degree of privacy.

I have seen the other posts about how to tell your SO, and I agree that you need to be comfortable with yourself before you share this with them, and you need to most of all be patient, and to let them assimilate the information at their own pace, without any pressure.

Obviously all relationships proceed at a different pace, so the answer to this question is somewhat subjective.

When do you think is the right time to tell your SO?

Sharon Rose

[Alexandra]

I suspect that for a good many CDers, they went into a marriage thinking they could "suppress" the CD urge only later find out they aren't able to.

If I was dating today, I'd be dropping hints on the first date to provoke a reaction -- life is much too short to be wondering if the girl (or guy) is gonna go for it.

[SharonRose]

Alexandra,

Thanks for the reply. I agree that life is too short to waste time with someone who is not going to accept us for who we are, so sooner is probably better than later.

I am not as good at the more subtle approach, so dropping hints is not my style. I need to be more comfortable before I can tell them directly.

What sort of hints did you have in mind?

Sharon Rose

[Alexandra]

You could for instance ask your date while discussing movies or comedians if they like Eddie Izzard. If the response includes the words "gay", "fag" or "homo" (all of these which Mr. Izzard is not) then it would be a cue to exit swiftly.

[CJ]

...stage left.

I agree completely with Alexandra. Use references to popular cultural icons, Sharon, to try and gauge your date's opinions on the matter.

Love,
CJ

[Sara]

Alexandra's observation describes me exactly. Got married to a great woman, end of story right? Wrong--not when I found out that her denim mini fit and her strappy espadrilles would work.
Had I to do it over, I'd like to think I'd tell all early. That's the right thing to do--if hardly the easy thing. But, then, not too early. You don't want to expose yourself to someone who may not only leave, but "out" you willy nilly. But, you have to be honest with people. But you have to protect yourself. But...
Well, you get my drift. There's no single or simple answer other than that at some point, you have to let that person know if not for honesty's sake than for the fact that she WILL find out.

Fondly,
Sarab

[Gaven McLaren]

I am posting on this a few days after voting on this. For what ever reason I did not post that night oh well. I feel that it is important that you tell you SO before you get physically intimate. Now that does not include Ms. Rightnow only Ms. Right. I will admit to having a couple of times where I was having sex with some one just because they were there and we were both willing. When it comes to someone you want to spend more time with you should tell them before you ever decide to round third and head for home.

[Beauty]

I'm with you on that one Gaven.

I think before you share in the most intimate relationship two humans can have, you should tell her if you know you're a CD. Imagine how men feel after they find out they've even been kissed by a man they thought was a woman. Uninformed women "could" feel just as violated.

If you're not sure you're a CD then I can undestand if you pause and have sex and then tell. The moment you realize and accept within, "I'm TG'd" then you should tell the one you're with immediately.

Beauty