Tri-Ess... What do you think of it?

Alexandra · Post by **Alexandra** » Tue Dec 28, 2004 11:57 pm

Nancy, thanks for the straight scoop.

Stef · Post by **Stef** » Wed Dec 29, 2004 8:43 am

This has been an excellent read. Thanks to everyone who has posted.

I'll be honest, prior to reading this discussion I had a very bad taste in my mouth concearning Tri-Ess but I had my reasons which I will share with you.

They were trying to start a chapter in the Nashville area a few years ago and some friends that were members in other areas contacted me and asked if I would help with forming it. I agreed and also agreed to meet with a couple of other local gals to discuss things.

In case alot of you don't know, I'm a rather outgoing person who likes to have fun. The ladies I met, for lack of a better term, were rather prudish and I was told rather quickly that I would need to change my style of clothes and be more conservative. I feel my style is sexy but not trashy and I was VERY offended by that remark. We had met at a club and I was wearing club attire, I have enough sense to know what clothes are appropriate for specific situations. Then as we were talking a few friends came in and stopped by to say hi and after they walked off they had a variety of negative comments concerning either their sexuality or their choice of clothing. That was strike two for me. The final straw came when later on after these two ladies had a few drinks in them started telling gay jokes and basically having a gay bashing conversation, how that they just couldn't understand why they were like that and that it's not right, I really got mad. I mean, here we were, three men in dresses sitting in what was for all purposes a gay bar and they were bashing the people that shown us immense hospitality and welcomed us unconditionally. I am not gay but I have many many close friends who are. My glass house is way too big for me to start throwing stones. When I let them know how offended I was by their actions and remarks I was quickly informed that I was not Tri-Ess material and they were sorry for wasting my time.

After that I could just hear Tri-Ess and I would fill with rage and avoid whatever conversation was being had. I guess I just let one bad experience spoil me from what sounds like a great group.

Thanks Shannon for starting this discussion and thanks to everyone else for posting!

Hugs,
Stef

Nancy · Post by **Nancy** » Wed Dec 29, 2004 9:39 am

Beauty & Alexandra. It's nice to see you two are still working the boards. Like I said I have not been very active or been able to spend much time here but it's really good to still see you gals are still about. I know Tri-ess can be a touchy subject so was good to see I didn't manage to set off the fire works like I have been known to do.

to you both.

Nancy · Post by **Nancy** » Wed Dec 29, 2004 9:56 am

Stef, I am sorry that you had to experience that sort of behavior from sisters that should have been supportive and understanding. I know there are so called ladies of Tri-ess that are this way but I tend to feel they really are a minority but have the biggest mouths that fit their shoe size.

All I can say is if you are ever up in the Chicago area and would care to attend a Chi Chapter meeting just make contact with the chapter via the instructions on their web page and I am sure you will be warmly and openly accepted. Just look or ask for Nancy and I wil be glad to have you meet the many wonderful gals that I have come to know.

Amelie-Laveau · Post by **Amelie-Laveau** » Wed Dec 29, 2004 10:27 am

I have read this thread for a while now and haven't responded until now, after I read Steph's post.
I have had similar encounters with Tri-Ess as Steph. I used to go to many nightclubs in NYC. One of these clubs was a bar for crossdressers. There would be a few of these Tri-Ess members in the club. They were older, white suburban CDs. There were also working girls in the club, mostly Puerto Rican and Asian. I would hang out with these girls. One night the Tri-Ess girls wanted to talk to me. They wanted to know why I would hang out with these types of girls, and I should better myself by not being with these working girls. One of them also insulted my style of dress, which was punk. She said I looked ridiculous and couldn't understand why anyone would be a punk. This was coming from a Tri-Ess member who looked like Herman Munster with a dress. One of the more nicer cds of the bunch tryed to explain what Tri-Ess was all about. She said we are a hetrosexual CD group with support for wives. I told her I was gay, and how would I fit in. She said basicly that gays are not part of Tri-Ess. Once I mentioned that I was gay, all talk between us had stopped.
This is my opinion-I found Tri_Ess to be typical of suburban life. To me, they were homo-phob, racist, and just plain nasty. Now, I agree, this is not all of Tri_Ess, but this is my encounter with some of their members.

Nancy · Post by **Nancy** » Wed Dec 29, 2004 7:02 pm

Amelie-Laveau, By the way I love the name. I am sorry you too have encountered Tri-ess members that were so judgmental of others. Truly it bothers me when I hear of such behavior.

All I can say is that I am a Tri-ess member and in no way has my being a member ever caused me to be judgmental of others. True for those that don't choose to conform to the guide lines, codes and by laws of Tri-ess and the it's chapters such and organization may well not be the kind some are looking for. However, in no way does that inhibit my self or any of the other members of Tri-ess from being supportive and receptive of any other TG or non TG person. Not to be supportive or receptive would just be cruel and uncalled for.

Our community is a mix of just about everything one could throw into a pot. I often think that this may be one good reason why we are not openly accepted into the main stream of society. It's not the mix that we are but how we divide ourselves so much that "normal" people just don't know just who or what we are?

Again I really am sorry you had such an experience with Tri-ess members but let me please assure you all Tri-ess members are not like that. I know they are not because I have many friends here in my chapter and in several of the other chapters that I know are not that way.

Amelie-Laveau · Post by **Amelie-Laveau** » Wed Dec 29, 2004 7:12 pm

Nancy< you don't have to say sorry. It wasn't you. I read your posts, you are a very kind person, who wouldn't say these things.
I agree, that in any group one will find rotten apples. I seem to find rotten apples where-ever I go.And it's not just Tri-Ess. I find bad people in the punk clubs as well, as well in the gay clubs. It's just that this discussion was on Tri-Ess, so I answered my encounters with them. Or the few members that I met. I have been to many clubs and places. I know most people are generally good. But there will always be idiots in any crowd.
I didn't mean to insult you or Tri-Ess. I don't know much about the organization as a whole.
Love Amelie

Kersten Lee · Post by **Kersten Lee** » Thu Dec 30, 2004 5:42 pm

Hi All,

This was the first time today that I read this thread. I haven't been on so much lately, as other things have been devouring my time. This will probably continue into the foreseeable future. I have not searched or needed to search for another home. I love all of you here, even though I have some extreme opinions about some subject matter.

I used to hate myself for feeling happy and comforted when cross-dressing. Lots of pain and guilt. I hated gays, lesbians, and screwed-up people like us. The thing is, by finally being happy with what and who I am, my own ethics and moral beliefs required me to accept others who are bi-gendered, transsexual, lesbian or gay. I've said many times here and to people I know that it will be proven shortly that a lot of gays have a genetic marker for the cause of their orientation. Cross-dressing is more complex than only a love for one's own sex, the other sex or both sexes. The sliding scale of gender self-identification is as individual as each of us.

Just as the descriptions of a few Tri-Ess members here from some of our bad experiences, seem to be so bigoted, these types of people exist in every organization. There is talk from the far right to stop interracial marriages and move us back to the 50's in my opinion. I'm sure some here would vote for, and some against this issue.

I for one have no problem with white organizations or Black organizations or political organizations or Tri-Ess having guidelines for their groups. My problems begin only with those individuals who feel somehow that they are better than some other defined person or group. It is no different than the stories I have read here about gays believing that cross-dressers are perverts and our inclusion in their groups hinder their march for acceptance. I've said many times, there is good behavior and bad behavior no matter the clothes, sexual, spiritual, or political perswaysion. I regret saying that I have exhibited bad behavior here many times to good friends. For that I am sorry.

The people in this country that are in some way off the standard requirements for standard dress or sexual orientation could not excede 15% of the population. Statistics, I've seen presented here and by the psychological community. Most are known to be good people with desires like most human's. Yet, so many still believe that by putting gays and cross-dressers and bi-sexuals back in the closet, this will miraculously solve this countries steady decline in what I consider to be real Christian morality. And no I don't believe everyone need subscribe to any particular Christian organization to be good and moral.

If this 10 to 15% were totally erased from the U.S. landscape, we would still have a 50% divorce rate. We would still have children destroying themselves and others with drugs, self serving CEO's more interested in that new private jet or more personal power instead of public safety, parents destroying their families by elicit sex and affairs, people in positions of trust taking bribes, people abusing themselves and others, and yes there will still be Muslims, Christians, Republicans, Independents, and Democrats. There will still be the wealthy and the poverty stricken. Single mother's kids with no man in their lives are 80% more likely to be engaged in life destroying activities than two parent households. Our people will still be dying around the world in wars. The threats against this country will still be there. There will still be natural disasters killing innocent people. The moon will still shine and the wind will still blow. And it does blow in Nebraska!

This time is still a pivotal part of our history. I only wish there could be more love and more peace. I would gladly die now if I could only fix a couple of these staggering problems.

So sorry if I upset anyone again. I have a too good talent at that.

kersten

Alexandra · Post by **Alexandra** » Thu Dec 30, 2004 10:07 pm

You didn't upset me Kersten!

I will say this about Tri-Ess though: Although they seem to have a dubious agenda, they apparently don't however go outside their organization and "preach" their views on CD/TGs not afflixited with that organization. They also don't appear to go out and recruit people off the street and attempt to convert them. Am I correct about this?

Needra · Post by **Needra** » Thu Dec 30, 2004 11:15 pm

after reading all the other womens post -lets get a Tri- Us -Seriously Tri-Ess is a foundation to cd's - they have been around a long time

Kristen · Post by **Kristen** » Fri Dec 31, 2004 9:57 am

Kersten Lee, You talk a lot of sense. Great post in a great thread. Bad people do belong to good groups. .....Kristen

Shannon · Post by **Shannon** » Fri Dec 31, 2004 10:50 am

Alexandra wrote:You didn't upset me Kersten!

I will say this about Tri-Ess though: Although they seem to have a dubious agenda, they apparently don't however go outside their organization and "preach" their views on CD/TGs not afflixited with that organization. They also don't appear to go out and recruit people off the street and attempt to convert them. Am I correct about this?

Wow, you know Alexandra I never really thought about that aspect of Tri-Ess. You are so right and to me that shows a lot of character. I personally hate groups or organizations the overtly seek out and attempt to recruit and change people to their beliefs, and Tri-Ess definately doesn't do that from what I have seen.

Tri-Ess is certainly open to all who would like to join, they seem willing to talk to all and consider them for membership. I would say they have limitations on what kind of people they would allow to join, but only to limit people who do not fit within their goals and charter.... Which is perfectly okay with me, all groups should do that...

So, I guess what I am saying is that is a very important characteristic of Tri-Ess that I never thought about and certainly does show a strong charcter point within the organization.

Nancy · Post by **Nancy** » Fri Dec 31, 2004 12:41 pm

Although they seem to have a dubious agenda, they apparently don't however go outside their organization and "preach" their views on CD/TGs not afflixited with that organization. They also don't appear to go out and recruit people off the street and attempt to convert them. Am I correct about this?

First understand that I am in no way an official spokesperson for Tri-ess. I am just a member. I have not been an officer nor have I been a member on any of their boards. To the best of my knowledge Tri-ess does have what is called an Out Reach program but that is mostly directed to giving presentations at colleges and other organizations that have an interest in the different aspects of the TG community. Tri-ess does advertise and put it out there that we are a group for those who are Heterosexual and/or have a SO that may be looking for such a support organization but to preach and recruit I don't believe so. As for converting anyone I have never seen or heard of that being done. Again to the best of my knowledge Tri-ess accepts everyone as they are and if what someone is and it does not coincide with the over all Tri-ess agenda and by-laws Tri-ess will direct those that don't to other support groups that are better suited to support their needs.

This may be wrong but lets say I was gay looking for support? Why would I go to a straight organization for support when there is a gay organization for support close by? To me Tri-ess does not try to trick, fool or convert anyone into the organization. What would be the point? I know for a fact that there are members of Tri-ess that are gay, bi and TS. However, I also know that these same members do not come for the support they need for that side or part of there being CD, or whatever.

Just being totally honest here I did go to another open group support meeting one time and found my self in a place I was uncomfortable being. I will not say it was a freak show or that there was anything wrong at all about it but it was not the kind of support I am in need of or looking for. Sorry, I think some aspects and ideas of what Cding is and some how some fetishes are do have a place and time but that time is not acceptable in the mainstream. Now do I complain about such meetings? NO! Do I put such behavior down? No! If anyone were to approach me (God knows why) for support that dresses or sees being TG different than me I don't know how much I could give but I would try to guide them to someone or organization or web site that may be able to. I would not put them down in anyway or shun them.

What is so bad or wrong about a CD just wanting to be more like a normal woman? Being CD should not mean I have to be gay or bi or have to deal with that if I don't choose to. If I go to a CD vendors web site looking for shoes what do I get to choose from all spiked or very high heels. I am 6'2" tall and I want to be more like a real woman and wear flats of at most low heels. You don't see these on CD vendors sites that sell shoes for CD's. Nor do you find many normal women's clothes it's like if your a CD you are a club girl or almost everything has to do with sex. Well, for a lot of us gals that is just is not the way it is and even our own TG/TS vendors don't seem to see that. Why? Because they know what they make their money on. So to me just like Tri-ess doesn't put it all out there for everyone neither does most of what I have seen on the web put it out there for everyone either.

Kind of starts to bring it around to how can the TG community ever expect to be accepted when we cannot accept all the different aspects of our own TG community. After the Gay Pride Parade happens each year in Chicago I often hear a great deal of so called "normal" mainstream society people refer to it as the freak show or sick circus parade. Kind of puts it out there for me how close we are to being accepted regardless or the advancements and laws that have recently come about. When I see how so many of the TG's & TS's dress in the parade even I can see where such comments are coming from. Am I saying we should all dress like as prim and proper girls? Heck NO! Being TG has taught me a lot about accepting everyone not just TG's as how and what they are but still I have those limits or boundaries of what is acceptable and not in public or at meetings. Guess I got that drilled into me by my parents and the way I was brought up. And even here on this forum there are guidelines that we all must follow or get the boot.

Post by **DonnaT** » Fri Dec 31, 2004 9:34 pm

This may be wrong but lets say I was gay looking for support? Why would I go to a straight organization for support when there is a gay organization for support close by? To me Tri-ess does not try to trick, fool or convert anyone into the organization. What would be the point? I know for a fact that there are members of Tri-ess that are gay, bi and TS. However, I also know that these same members do not come for the support they need for that side or part of there being CD, or whatever.

Why come to a TG support group for support if your gay AND TRANSGENDERED?

Think real hard about that for a minute. Now tell me, how will a gay support group help someone that is transgendered?

If you are gay and looking for support based on your sexual identity, then you go to a group that has knowledge on that issue.

If you are transgendered and looking for support based on your gender idenity, then you go to a group that has knowledge on that issue.

Seems simple enough to me!

Do not gay TGs also have SOs? Don't you think that it will be just as much a shock to that SO to find that there boyfriend or girlfriend is a crossdresser? Surely you don't think that they expect the love of their life to not only be gay but also feminine and thus transgendered.

Tri-ess should be for ALL transgendered, CDs, TVs and TSs if they expect to not only support the transgendered community put to educate the non-transgendered community. Any, ANY, denial of support based on a persons sexual orientation is, in my opinion, no different that the heterosexual community finding not only the gay lifestyle immoral, but our lifestyle too.

Pi**es me off, sorry for the rant

, but it really pi**es me off when we expect others to accept us, but we can't accept others for being different.

Alexandra · Post by **Alexandra** » Sat Jan 01, 2005 6:38 pm

Donna, one thing to think about is that sometimes the burdens of the newly self-discovered and completely confused crossdresser/TG person are such that they need immediate help. The last thing on their minds are agendas and politics (these things are best handled by people who are more adjusted -- like us!)

Tri-Ess will provide immediate assurances that being CD/TG is not abnormal and help relieve the guilt they're burden with. Later when political or religious things matter more, they can choose to just move on as some girls here have done.

I do agree that we shouldn't back off in pressuring Tri-Ess to do better.

Shannon, hopefully Tri-Ess continues to tread lightly in the recruitment dept. I wonder if this is a deliberate decision or what?