What about Fear?

[DonnaT]

I think what he is basically stating is that the 'closet' includes dressing in wig and makeup to pass.

That we shouldn't have to fully dress in order to appear in public in a dress.

That if we want to wear a simple skirt and heels, without the padded bra or a fem top, then we should just do it.

That if we want to wear a pink lacy feminine top with the remaining attire being drab, we should just do it (and I have).

That there are a good number of CDs out and about that do pass, and for that reason no one knows they are CDs. Accordingly, the passing fails to bring CDing to the attention of the public.

That many of the support groups promote fully dressing in public. Thus the group fails to provide support for those who don't want to fully dress.

Note that some support groups and even "conventions" bring in people to teach us how to properly wear makeup, how to coordinate an outfit, how to walk feminine, talk feminine, and have feminine gestures.

Where does that leave the CDs who don't want to appear feminine, but simply want the freedom to wear a short skirt and heels? Still in the 'closet' (Except for Elizabeth that is ).

[Violet]

Elizabeth:
Your post touched me deeply. I see many reflections of myself, esp. your descriptions of your early years & troubles w/girls in HS (I experienced much the same set of circumstances). I have prophesied myself a life lived in fear of being who and what I am; chosen to face my fears, abjure them, and destroy the barriers I have created to my self-actualization in order to avoid having the kind of life you describe. I feel myself nothing but better for the choice, and have encountered less adversity than I ever dreamed I would (though certainly i have encountered some. Note to self: when wearing a mini and tights out clubbing in -27degree weather, bring pants along!)

To quote one of my most favouritest novels of all time:
Fear is the mind killer.
Fear is the little death which brings total annihilation.
I will face my fear.
I will allow it to pass around and through me.
And when it has passed, no fear will be left.
Only I will remain.

[Elizabeth]

Hi CJ,

I agree with what this author says. At least in in concepts of how and what we wear, and what the focus should be. This forum is my only connection to other crossdressers so I have trouble relating to what he was saying about being pressured to present myself in a certain way. Here I have always felt I could be whatever I want to be. I have never felt judged, or felt that anyone wanted me to be anything, other than happy.

Here, have a look.



I am no where near passable. But the author is correct about being conditioned to be afraid. None of my fears about the public have been realized. I have been treated great in public. In fact at the places I frequent like the grocery store, the bank, the post office, I have a feeling that I have sorta been adopted as "thier crossdresser". It is like people are super nice to me. My son recently got a job at the grocery store we have shopped for the last 5 years. And he says that everyone really likes me, and that he feels he gets treated better because he is my son. He says that many people have said they admire my courage to live and dress as I feel.

So, I have never been pressured to present more female, or to use a female voice, or a female name, or to try to walk and sit like a woman. The author may be correct about what he says about our community, but because my only connection to the crossdressing community is here, I have never felt that. For me, crossdressing is about dressing and acting the way that feels right to me. Other than anecdotal information, I have very little concern for what other crossdressers do to feel good, but would encourage them to keep doing what makes them feel good. And I agree that if anyone feels pressured to present themselves in anyway that is different than how they feel has just traded one closet for another.

Love always,
Elizabeth

[Elizabeth]

Hi Violet,

Thanks for your reply.

I have known for a long time that fear was my enemy, but was afraid to do anything about it. I mean, it turns out that "all we have to fear is, fear itselt". But it is a difficult cycle to get out of. Anita is correct in saying that it is important to look for triggers of fearful thinking, and learning to not respond to it. It is important to do this, in my opinion, because fearful thinking is engrained in our society.

I don't know what novel that quote you posted is from, but there is much wisdom in it. Thanks for sharing it.

Love always,
Elizabeth

[Kersten Lee]

Hi,

Elizabeth and Darlene, I was raised and was like both of you. I think we have come to know this already. That we did survive is the miracle, at least it was in my case.

Anita, I lived daily too as you. Lots of the time I hated that I was not successful or good or perfect enough. This was spoon fed to me as far back as I remember. I was a hard worker at home and was a straight A student, but nothing was good enough, I could never reach the goals set in front of me. I have been that person filled with self loathing, hate and never in my own mind capable of good no matter what my successes. I lived with fear hounding me for most of my 50 years.

Then all of you happened to me along with an angel of a therapist. After two and a quarter years, I have went from a possible two good days a month to 20 plus. Disabilitating depression has not hounded me for 5 months now. It is a short period of life out of 52 years, but I have felt my strength holding or growing and have given into the possibility that I can actually experience happiness!

My experiences follow Elizabeth's so closely. She has given us so much detail of her life the last year to know her so well.

I wish you all happiness! My happiness is that no matter what ever stupid or wrong things I may do or think or say, I know I have friends here that love and support me when ever in need. These days that is more important than gold, power and whatever society describes as success.

Love,
Kersten

[Paula]

great post I know I can relate to a lot of what you said. I too have come to terms with fear but not as far as you. still making strides though.

[Violet]

big thanx Elizabeth. I fully agree.

BTW the novel is 'Dune' by Frank Herbert. Shows I guess that I am a big scifi geek, assuming that quote would be immediately recognized...

[Loretta Ann]

CJ,

I want to thank you for your contribution to this thread. Good stuff Girl.

Love Darlene.