re: progress report from Karen

[Jessica_Karen]

Hi, all. Haven't posted for awhile, but I'm still here...and doing better than before. Just wanted to bring you up to date. There have been so many wonderful responses to my earlier postings, I wanted to let you know how much strength it has given me over the past few months.

As you know, it's been almost a year, now, since I came out to my wife of 28 years. It's been hard for both of us, and it's still an issue. That's not going to change any time soon. She's not at all comfortable with my cross dressing, but at least we seem to have got past the "You've suppressed it for 28 years; why can't you suppress it for another 28?" In fact, she took me shopping out of town so I could look for my first wig, and look through the thrift shops. I can't tell you how much that meant to me. I didn't buy anything...the wig I wanted was way over my budget...but I went. She didn't go into the shops with me, but she knew why I was going, and she was okay with it. In fact, we went at her suggestion. That's progress, and I think it's huge. But then there are the other days, too: the days when she just can't hide her anger and revulsion. Those days are pretty hard.

Okay, so I'm still not dressing. (No wardrobe yet.) But I'm saving up and hope to be able to soon. My first major purchase will be my wig, which I hope to have by the end of this month. Once that's done, then I'll start haunting the thrift and consignment shops. I won't dress in my wife's presence. She doesn't want anything to do with it, and I have to respect her wishes. So I'm limited in what I'm going to be able to do. I still feel as if I have to sneak around, as if this is somehow shameful...she referred to it the other day as "unnatural." She backed off when I pointed out a few of the historical associations connected to the word. (Gay people were regarded as 'unnatural' in Nazi Germany and marched off to the death camps along with the Jews, the gypsies, the retarded, and the mentally ill.) "Oh," she said, "I didn't mean it in that way." Well, maybe not, but it hurt, just the same.

So here's the big news: I'm going to Esprit in May! (Check out the website...it sounds wonderful! Just type in Esprit, Port Angeles in your browser. That should bring it up.) How amazing!...not just to be accepted for who you are, but celebrated! (I can't imagine what that would be like...after all these years of hiding.) I'm not ashamed of who I am. I refuse to be. But not being ashamed is not the same as being proud of yourself, is it?

I feel like I'm a teenager again, since I have begun to come out. Do you know what I mean? I seem to have extremes of emotion: one minute I'm giddy with happiness, then at a word or two from her, (Actually, it's seldom just a word. It's usally several paragraphs.) then I'm plunged once more into despair. Ah, well, I'm learning that if I can just wait long enough, the despair will pass.

Over the past few months I've been reaching out for a kindred spirits, and I've found them, more than I ever hoped I could. Yesterday I had an email from a sister right here on Vancouver Island. We're hoping to share a room at Esprit. (Can't wait to meet her!) And I've joined the Cornbury Society, a transgender support group centered in Vancouver. I've also joined a local on-line discussion group as well. These are all wonderful things! (sigh) Just wish I could spend more time online enjoying them! And it all started right here...with you. Thank you all, so much. You've given me strength when I needed it most. These past few months haven't been easy, but I'm making progress. (And so is my wife, though I'm not sure how much farther she is going to be able to go.)

Just wanted to let you know.

Hugs to all (especially to Honey and Jassmine!)

Karen

[Sally]

Hello Karen,

yes, I know exactly what you mean when you say, "I feel like I'm a teenager again, since I have begun to come out. Do you know what I mean? I seem to have extremes of emotion: one minute I'm giddy with happiness."

Rome wasn't built in a day, as they say, but you and your wife really have made progress. Small steps as we say, will achieve much. As I also always say, where there is true love between two people then mountains can be moved and I'm sure you will both find the right balance in your lives in time.

It's impossible for our wives to ever understand how it is within us because we don't understand it ourselves, we just know it's a part of our personality and make up as much as anything else, but patience, tolerance and compassion reaps many rewards.

I wish you well and I'm very happy for you with your progress.

Kind Regards,

Sally.

[Anita]

Hi Karen--
Yes, I get a warm glow reading about all of that. If it started here, that's just great. I felt that teenager glee, and I also felt the happiness and despair operating, even though I had no one around me who was criticizing me.

I think I felt happy when I was doing TG activities, and had others me for support, and felt despair when I imagined the resistance that others around me (friends, mainly) would have to this. But it never really happened that way--my friends turned out to be REALLY friends, and stayed in there with me.

It's good that it's not a secret between you and your wife anymore. I do hope she can move along the acceptance scale a little further, though.

[Beauty]

Hi Karen,

Wow.. you've really made some great progress. I think you've progressed with your own TG'd maturity and with your wife. You've been very patient and that does pay off in the long run.

It really sounds like you're doing things right and it kind of shows because of your wife taking you to shop. Baby steps with wives are so important. I think what you've posted should be a template for others who have wives that aren't accepting. Actually everything you've done can also serve as a guide for those with accepting SOs. It's so much more beneficial to yourself and your SO to take things slowly and that's what you're doing so very well. The time goes by much quicker than most people imagine.

Thanks for checking in with us and giving us an update!!!

Beauty

[Jassmine(SO)]

Hey Karne

I am very happy to hear things are going so well for you

In fact, she took me shopping out of town so I could look for my first wig, and look through the thrift shops.

WHOO HOO!!!! Very good news indeed

Esprit sounds wonderful and I am sure you will have a grand time

Thanks for the update

Hugs to all (especially to Honey and Jassmine!)

Right back to ya

Blessed be, my friend.

*Hugs & Love*

[Honey(SO)]

Karen,
You have come so far and been so patient! It was worth it !!
I am so proud of all the progress you have made.
New friends and new adventures await you!

Hugs and Love to you
Honey

[DonnaT]

Hi Karen

I reckon many of us go through a similar dance with our wives. My wife has, after 29 years, finally come to grips with what I am. I believe the breaking point was our discussion when I explained how I was born transgendered, and printed off a couple of documents for her to read on the subject.

I bought my first wig last year, but my wife didn't like it. So she took me to a place nearby and had me fitted. She participated in the decision. I believe if you can get your wife to participate in this decision she'll appreciate in the long run. Maybe not right away, but once she thinks about it.

You might want to check out the web pages at http://www.3dcom.com/couples/couples.html

There are some interesting articles there. If you can get your wife to read these after you have, it may help.

No, my wife isn't fully accepting yet, but she's a lot more than she was. I doubt if she'll ever be fully accepting. I've learned that small steps make it easier on her. But most important was our discussion on how birth contributed to the transgenderism and that there is no cure. See the links at: http://crossdressers-haven.com/forums/v ... php?t=2704

[Jessica_Karen]

Once again, thank you for your thoughtful replies.

Donna, I hear you when you urge me to take "small steps." Believe me, the steps taken have been small (and painful at times.) I won't whine about that here, though. Goodness knows you've all heard it before. I just wanted you all to know that progress has been made. That despair can be endured. Indeed, despair will pass with time...usually in less time than I thought. I'm a long way from the triumph I fantasize about, but the mountain is being climbed. I expect this story is a familiar one to many of you, and most are far beyond the modest heights I have reached so far. But I'm coming, I promise. Lead on!

Love to all.
Karen