It is amazing how ordinary adults lead secret lives.

[Loretta Ann]

I found this on another forum.

"But psychologists say that most normal adults are well equipped to start a secret life, if not to sustain it. The ability to hold a secret is fundamental to healthy social development, they say, and the desire to sample other identities - to reinvent oneself, to pretend - can last well into adulthood. And in recent years researchers have found that some of the same psychological skills that help many people avoid mental distress can also put them at heightened risk for prolonging covert activities."

"'In a very deep sense, you don't have a self unless you have a secret, and we all have moments throughout our lives when we feel we're losing ourselves in our social group, or work or marriage, and it feels good to grab for a secret, or some subterfuge, to reassert our identity as somebody apart,' said Dr. Daniel M. Wegner, a professor of psychology at Harvard. He added, 'And we are now learning that some people are better at doing this than others.'"

What do you all think about this?

Love Darlene.

[Elizabeth]

Hey Darlene,

That is very interesting. It totally makes sense to me. Hoever in my own case, besides being a crossdressser, I was also a bedwetter. This meant that I always had a secret, and always felt outside.

For me having a secret like being a crossdresser made me feel terribly alone. I spent most of my life feeling like was defective. Having said that, I certainly never felt like I was losing myself into social groups or work or my marriage. I felt like those were just things I did in "the pretend world". For me it was all just a big act. Never being myself.

Having now lost this secret, and secret sense of my self, the only group of people I really identify with, are my sisters here. And I certainly dont' feel like I am losing myself here. In fact just the opposite.

So? All in all, I would say my experience supports the conclusions of the author, as for me keeping it going as long as I did, really was not that hard, so I must have been well equipped to do it.

Love always,
Elizabeth

[Samantha Jane]

Hi Darlene,

Well, I'm living proof that people are well equipped to maintain secrets. I have been CDing for 35 years and married for 25 of those and my wife does not know about my feminine side, although this severely curtails my time as Charlotte.
Double lives and keeping secrets is nothing new, some men manage to keep two families on the go and without the other knowing.
There is a down side though and that is the pressure of maintaining that other secret self at all costs, but then in my case I only have myself to blame for the situation in the first place.
Ponder this though, perhaps it's a double bluff and my wife knows I like to explore my femm side, but is keeping the fact that she knows a secret.

Charlotte xx

[CJ]

Hi all,

"Reinventing" oneself, as an adult phenomenon? It would certainly go a long way to explaining the popularity of Halloween parties and bashes, no?

Love,
CJ

[RikkiOfLA]

I was never very good at this "secret life" business. When I was a kid, when I had a secret, I'd walk around with a smile on my face that screamed "I KNOW SOMETHING YOU DON'T!" and everybody, from my parents to the other kids, could weasel it out of me. Then I'd feel very ashamed because I couldn't keep a secret.

The first time I crossdressed, I was 4 years old. I was trying on some of Mom's stuff. I was pleased as punch because I was going to make myself up to look like a little lady. I was going to surprise her, to walk into the room in my finery and cry out "LOOK AT ME!" I thought my mom would be so amused and flattered at my obvious desire to imitate her. When she came into the bathroom, wondering what I was doing, she saw what I was doing. She gasped and started crying and made me promise never to do it again!

So I began a secret life (and got to be pretty good at it), but I always hated the secrecy. I wanted to tell everyone "LOOK AT ME!" but I knew I dare not do that.

It was a great relief to me to come out of the closet and begin living full time. Now it is no secret life--it's how I live.

LOOK AT ME! ##!!##!!##

[Anita]

Hi Darlene--
I think I'd agree with the author, if I follow the article correctly. People across all cultures have a need for pretending to be someone else, and...if they do it in secret for long periods of time, they start to suffer from it.

I knew that I was not equipped to live a secret life--I could easily imagine how much stress it was going to put on me. So I came out as a T-girl within 9 months of knowing that it was happening to me.

It took some courage, sure. More to the point was that I could see very clearly that it was going to take lots of energy to hide the girl from everyone, or hide her from some, and not from others. I was 50--I didn't have that kind of energy. So I bit the bullet.

But yeah, I benefit enormously from having two lives going on. There are some problems in my life that my girl self was able to fix, and the fixes worked for both male and female. Wow! I could never have imagined how that worked unless I started living the second life.

What I said in my halloween post seems to hold for this article. LOTS of people would like to go out in public as "somebody else," but our culture discourages any kind of disguises or pretending for adults. We CDs are the only ones who seem to get around this restriction, if we're going out in public dressed.

As much as people judge us for this, there's a part of them that wishes they could do SOME kind of "other life." Maybe it wouldn't be as a woman, but they see that we're getting benefits that they'll never know, if they don't break out of their own little box.

To sum it up: double life, good. Secret double life, not so good. [/i]

[Sally]

Hi Darlene,

Dr Sarah Seton M.D, who has done a lot of work amongst the TG community in Canada, I think she is, said in one of her papers and I quote part of her paper, " Transsexuals and other sexual minorities are made to wear the shame of our society's insecurity about gender identity and sexual preference; they are sent out into emotional deserts to die of alienation and lonliness to expiate society's loathing of itself. For, in truth. no one is without stigma - " let those who are without blame cast the first stone". Some peoples stigma are hidden or not obvious and so those people become the 'normals' within society. Those whose stigma is clear for all to see are the ones who are set apart. The normals fear being discovered by others and being set apart themselves, so they require scapegoats. And so fear, ignorance and hatred persist. "

I would agree that in many cases what is said in the second paragraph of your message is very true, when applied to the CD, TG community. My experience in talking with many people is that quite a lot of them find it's very emotionally relaxing and stabalising to 'escape into their female personality' when life gets frustrating or some emotionally disturbing happening occurs, they need that 'other personality' very much as part of their being. I've often heard and seen people write that we are many things, no person is just one single entity, that throughout our life we 'wear many different hats'. I tend to agree.


She substitutes the word 'stigma' for 'secret' but the meaning is the same you'll possibly agree. Sometimes it's possible for people to take one word and hi jack the meaning of what is meant to be said, but I think she has her message right here, no matter which word you use. Although the majority of her work has been done amongst the TS community I think what she's saying applies in general right across people in the community.

You haven't given your opinion as yet and your opinion is always valued.

Kind Regards.

Sally.

[Loretta Ann]

Thank you Sally,

You have just written a post that has helped me understand this thing much more clearly, than I did when I started this thread. Your words have reaffirmed some of my beliefs, that I did not know how to put to words as clearly as you have here.

Yes you are right...I agree...I can add nothing...Very well stated.

Love Darlene.

[Cathy L. Anderson]

the desire to sample other identities - to reinvent oneself, to pretend - can last well into adulthood.

The part above seems especially important. The entire quotation underlines the fundamental similarity between our experiences with a female "alter ego" and the experiences of most other people. Most everyone is continually reinventing themselves and/or never quite sure exactliy who or what they are.

This should be a source of humility, but not guilt or shame.

This insight also serves to give us more compassion for others. They are dealing with the same kinds of identity issues we are, but in ways other than gender.

Cathy