How Often Do you Fight the Inner Self

[Gelinda]

Alright Let me explain what I mean:;;;;

I am fighting my inner self so much of late that I was wondering how often all of you do?

I do not mean just about CDing but with live in it self.

And as a side note. How many ever doubt there self confidence.

Gelinda.

[Anita]

Hi Gelinda--
To begin with, there doesn't seem to be any way around getting the inner man and the inner woman to talk to each other, and present a united front. That isn't the only inner battle, but it's a major one for most of us here.

That said, I'm on a new adventure with using my female qualities openly in my male life. It has cut down my inner judgment of myself by about half, I would say.

I know that this will not necessarily be an inspiration to you, as you are not happy about your CDing right now. But I was always being told to "lighten up" as a man, and both you and I know that you don't do that by force of will. In fact, it always made me angry to hear that from people. At the same time, I could see the need for it, and had no way to really do it.

My girlself did know how to do it, though, and the more I let her go, the better I got at doing it in ALL parts of my life. I am not one of those who feels exactly the same when dressed as when not. So I have learned some valuable things from "Anita," and it's taken me four years to be able to use them in an easy manner day-to-day.

In answer to your second question about self-confidence--being lighter and breezier has helped this, too, as I now know that I can match people in conversations at all points. Before, I could do business with them, or I could talk intimately with them, but I had no middle gears. Now I do, and it's a wonder to see it work that way. Just one person's experience, and I do owe it to the girl within.

This is not to say that being light and breezy in conversation is a "woman's" quality. It isn't--I know lots of guys who can do it, and as far as I know, they aren't CDs! But for ME, it took the extreme of learning about my female side to be able to feel good about using this part of me. I hope you can use something from this post.

[Loretta Ann]

Gelinda,

The last person I want to fight is myself, on the contrary I aspire to listen as close as I can to my inner self, and try to take care of her as best I can.

I can not relate to what you are going through, not having walked in your shoes.

Love Darlene.

[Beauty]

Hi Gelinda,

Without a doubt I had fought my inner self. I don't feel I do anymore, but I can tell you the struggle took decades for me to figure out. It took about a decade to accept and finally it took several years to overcome the inner self that would make me depressed, moody, and fearful.

I can totally relate with you here. I wish I could tell you, "I've conquered it and you should listen to me." but I can't do that with a clear conscience because I don't know the future. I can tell you I think it's highly doubtful that I'll feel negative about who I am because of how long it took me to get here and the personal triumphs I achieved to like and accept myself.

Don't under estimate the negative inner self. It's very tricky. It can use religion, family, or anything that can make you feel guilty about who you are. Luckily when you're at a kind of middle of the ground place or highly positive you can tell what was negative because there's a distinct layer of self loathing for being who you are. There's no way it's productive mentally to dislike yourself over something you aren't doing on purpose. Alcohol can be used to suppress emotions. Dressing is a form of expression. To not be allowed to dress the way you'd like is kind of depressing and can't promote self. Kay(SO) would be more qualified than me to talk about that state of mind, but in my experience I couldn't feel positive about me until I accepted this part of me was not bad or good, it was just part of the whole me.

Since I like me and dressing is something I do, I no longer feel as if it's bad to be me. Me is a person who has gender dysphoria and that's life. I'm happy to be here, but I couldn't have said the same thing 8 or 9 years ago.

You're going to be fine. Hopefully you'll stay with us and we can help you get through this part of your gendered journey.

Beauty

[Phylis Anne]

dear beauty,since i came out i have stopped fighting my inner self or as i call it my femme self .before i came out i was constantly fighting it and i almost self distructed .i was doing so many purges that it was going crazy,so when i finally gave up and told my wife i felt so much better and i realized that my femme self was more of me and i just let her go with it.and now when i am dressed en femme she is the dominant part of me .my wife also knows this as most of my clothing is feminine and i think that she understands me .plus i feel that the longer we dress in our feminine selves the more feminine we become .so why fight it and just enjoy what we are all my love and kisses phylis anne

[Cathy L. Anderson]

Thank you for this thread. It addresses one of the essential psychological issues we face.

To begin with, there doesn't seem to be any way around getting the inner man and the inner woman to talk to each other, and present a united front.

If you mean that this is something we must do then I definitely agree!

A summary of my personal stages is this:

• 1. Strong conflict. The male tried to suppress the female, partly using religious grounds. The female reacted with anger. She even had occasional conscious thoughts of wanting the male to die.

• 2. Tolerance. The male allowed the female time for herself and a budget to buy female things.

• 3. Communication. Based partly on reading about the nature of psychic conflict (which some consider an almost defining aspect our minds), I thought: how do warring nations negotiate and compromise with each other? Why not apply the same principles to inner mental conflict? And so the male and the female came to the "negotiation table." They realized that although they have certain different goals, they also have a great deal in common. And they approached each other with respect.

• 4. Cooperation. Both the male and the female realize that they are probably not completely distinct. Both serve the higher Self, or something like that.

That isn't the only inner battle, but it's a major one for most of us here.

Definitely not the only inner battle. There might be other, harder conflicts which, because they are more difficult, we are less conscious of. Maybe the male/female conflict is a good way to develop skills in general for handling psychic conflicts.

Cathy

[Elizabeth]

Hi Gee,

I have fought the fight.

Elizabeth wrote:

Last night was not real good. I could not get to sleep and was really depressed. I was thinking like my old self. I was feeling ashamed, and regretful. I was thinking about how humiliating this was going to be for my children as they grow up. And basically to accept me, you would have to accept the humiliation. I decided that it was not fair of me to put that on them. They could cash in my life insurance, I could end the pain of both my illness and being a crossdresser. So I took about 20 vicodine. And 30 mins after that, I took about 15 more.

And in the same post:
I have also been thinking about what happened to me. It is really mental. My male personality was willing to die, to kill Elizabeth. That is what really happened. But he could not keep control, and I told my wife. And now I feel like I have a split personality almost. Like it is Elizabeth and my male persona.

The best part is coming. It was Beauty's reply to me. It is burned into my brain, I shall never forget this.

Beauty wrote:

I'm glad you are ok.

I'm also freaking P'd off big time. Get this. You are one person. There aren't two sides of you. You're living with two arms and you're telling yourself if you use your other arm you are an evil person. Where's the logic in that young one?

This was the turning point for me. When Beauty told me I was one person. I was so used to having these two sides of me that I had convinced myself that I was two different people. But I was not. I really was just one person. One who had to hide who he/she really was.

I can not really add to what my sisters here have said. As usual they have said all the things I would say. I would just like to add that we are always here for you and I know your struggle. I love you Gee, hang in there.

Love always,
Elizabeth

[Kerri]

This about sums me up. Sorry to be such a downer after all the preceding stories. I am p'eed off. I am seeing a Psychiatrist just now to help me identify with myself, whoever that may be.

I have been hiding for so long... I ve forgotten who I really am.
Do I fight against myself, you asked? Yes I do, daily! Right now and for quite a while I just feel like hiding in a corner.

I just wish I could come out and be me, for a change. This act is wearing me down.

On your second question, my confidence has been eroded. I feel washed out. Sorry girls, thats how it is.......

Kerri

[Beauty]

Hi Kerri,

No need to apologize for where you are. I think it's great that you can even come here and tell us where you are and how you feel about things currently. I look at it as progress and not a negative.

In your post you said more things about you trying to become a person who knows who you are and working hard to get there than anything not positive.

I think you deserve this and nothing less.

Beauty

[Ahzz]

This about sums me up. Sorry to be such a downer after all the preceding stories. I am p'eed off. I am seeing a Psychiatrist just now to help me identify with myself, whoever that may be.

I have been hiding for so long... I ve forgotten who I really am.
Do I fight against myself, you asked? Yes I do, daily! Right now and for quite a while I just feel like hiding in a corner.

I just wish I could come out and be me, for a change. This act is wearing me down.

On your second question, my confidence has been eroded. I feel washed out. Sorry girls, thats how it is.......

Kerri

When you don't have at least a decent grasp on who youi are you can't really know what you can do. I would think that this would be the source of the lack of self confidence.

I think you are on the right path. Just keep in mind that it takes time to come to understand ones self. So give yourself time and patience. I believe that you will come out in the end a much hapier and confidant person.

[Joanna_S]

Hi Gelinda!

I can´t say that I´m fighting myself but Joanna has some traits, my male self has difficulties to express. You have heard this many times but when dressed I´m much nicer person, who finds it easy to emphatize with people. As a male I usually act first and think afterwards but as a female it´s just the opposite. Everything goes smoothly if I´m able to dress on a regular basis so that Joanna never goes into hibernation. Unfortunately my work sometimes is so hectic, that CDing is out of the question. I don´t like myself very much in those days

Joanna

[CJ]

Hi all,

Gee,

Your post raises many questions, here, and suggests many implied assumptions. For one, that there is more than one "you" living your life. Is that really the case? We all have different aspects to our selves (and, of course, a CD will be the first to admit that) but it nonetheless remains that it is one self we're talking about, here. Okay, so it's one incredibly complex and multi-faceted self but it's one self all the same. Maybe you're looking at this from a more, I don't know, "psychoanalytical" point of view? That is, there's our "deep" self, with all its dark passions and unruly desires; there's our "social" self, where we try to be who we are expected to be if we ever hope to fit in with others in this big ol' world of ours; and then there's our "conciliatory" self, our ego, our own personal version of a forum moderator, that tries very hard to mediate beween the other two aspects of our self. Is this what you mean, Gee, when you say that you're fighting with yourself? If so, then yes, it's an ongoing battle... one that will be with us throughout our entire lives. That's no cause for despair, though. It's just what it is to be human. My own trick is this: rather than seeing this battle as a war or as a duel to the finish (where, like the Alien vs. Predator movie tag line says, "no matter who wins... we lose"), I try to look at it as a form of play (okay, there's a little bit of roughhousing sometimes, but still). The first thing I need to do, though, is to accept all "participants" (id, ego, superego) in this "playground of the mind" equally. I must accept (and, yes, even find comfort in) the fact that I do, indeed, have dark passions and unruly desires. They're an integral part of who I am. Cutting them off would be like plucking out an eye. Similarly, I must accept that there's a part of me that will always want to make social customs (both restrictions and permissions) prevail. That's the part of me that actually wants the company of other human beings. If I don't make an effort to accept these sides of me, I'll have a rough time becoming a balanced person. I make that effort by being willfully kind and loving and patient and understanding and sympathetic and caring towards myself--towards all aspects of myself. The true battle lies in our being able to do this despite our having no allies outside our own selves. And the odd thing is, when you start embracing all of who you are--without restriction, without judgment--you'll discover that, perhaps all along, you did have allies in this battle or, at the very least, you will quickly draw them to your side.

Don't ever give up, Gee. I was going to say "fight the good fight," but I'd rather say "play the good play."

Love,
CJ

[Violet]

I stopped being able to fight with my inner self when my inner self decideed to fight back. Seriously, I understand (to some extent) how you feel. I have been fighting myself for over a decade, and the battle hasn't stopped yet, thoigh I think I have made some importand gains towards wellness and wholeness, first in consciously deciding to embrace my Shadow and diffuse its power to intimidate me, and more recently in acknowledging the important part of me that is my femme and embracing her into my being and my lifestyle. For my part, I find that in many cases the best way to end that fight is to surrender. Surrender your fears, surrender your guilt, surrender your shame, surrender your anger. Surrender all the weapons you fight yourself with to the higher authority of Selfhood, wholeness, wu wei. Declare a cease-fire and open diplomatic channels. Integrate.

[Kerri]

Thanks for your support,



I usually experience a nose dive after a session with my therapist.
I know its going to be a long haul. The therapist is talking in terms of one to two years of therapy.

Here in the UK there is no danger of him saying that to line his pocket either, cos its free, sort of. You pay the taxes and reap the benefits if you need them.

I am glad I can come here to sound off. I am also pleased to be able to help others when I can.

Thanks to you all.

love

Kerri