Support

[CJ]

Hi all,

Well, times have been a little hard for me, lately. That's okay, though. They're hard for everyone, at some point. That's a given. We live in a cold, harsh, cruel world. That's reality. Or is it? Lately, I'm inclined to think it is, and perhaps the atmosphere, right here, on the forum, is just a reflection of that reality.

There's a growing dissonance between what I want for myself, in the way of psychological and spiritual peace, and what I'm feeling whenever I've spent a bit of time walking and strolling around the forum. There's a lot of fear, judgment, incomprehension, misunderstanding, psychological power plays, and emotional bondage. These, I can see and find (if I so wish) in my life away from the forum.

I was first drawn to this place because the members lifted each other up and were easy with each other, in the sense that they really tried to foster an atmosphere that was inviting, that encouraged the sharing of feelings. Over the past three or four months or so, the forum's been struggling under the weight of its own internal discord and many seem not to notice the growing prevalence of dissension--at the expense of the forum's stated aim: support. I don't know... maybe I'm the one who's changed. That's entirely possible. It doesn't change the end result, though. I feel isolated. Especially in the vacuum of the last two days. No replies--not one--to e-mails, PM's, or IM's.

I'm not sure how some of you see me. Is it as anything other than a person who also has needs? I see myself as a gray person in a world (and in a forum) that's becoming increasingly polarized, a black and white arena. Rationalistic or Romantic; Republican or Democrat; Politicized or "ostrich-like"; Evil or Good; Happy or Negative; CD or SO; Put Up or Shut Up.

And I'm so very tired.

From GymAmerica.com's "Mind/Body" section:

Talk It Out

There seems to be a support group for just about everything today. If you recently got divorced, are a compulsive exerciser, overeat, watch too much TV, watch too little TV, or have a co-dependent relationship with your pet python, you can find empathic comrades willing to listen. And that's not even mentioning the informal groups we all seem to form with friends who have the same problems—think of all the times you've sat around complaining with your best buddies. Our analysis-friendly society has encouraged the proliferation of these groups, but how do you know if you need one? And how do you determine when a group has outlived its usefulness?

How can you tell when you need a support group beyond your family and friends? "The most blatant signal is when your friends grow tired of listening to you," says Los Angeles–based family therapist Joanna Poppink, M.F.T. "Once you notice that the discussion of your problem is putting a strain on your relationship, then it's time to seek an organized support group or another form of therapy," she says. Another not-so-blatant sign that you might need a support group is if your grief or anxiety doesn't improve over a two-week period. "Your friends may go to lunch with you and listen, but if you're still crying, drinking, or eating too much chocolate after a few weeks, you need another form of help," says Poppink.

Many of us are support group – leery, the truth is, "there's a lot to be gained from support groups when you join the right one," says psychologist A. Thomas Horvath, Ph.D., president of Practical Recovery Services, an addiction treatment center in La Jolla, California. "A support group is an informal network similar to the family structure," he says. "You shouldn't make decisions in a vacuum. It's good to bounce questions off other people, just be selective of who you seek advice from."

Unfortunately, there's no one way to determine ahead of time if a support group is the right fit, says Horvath. Participation is a very personal experience. "A group that meets your brother or best friend's needs may be a disastrous match for you. The character of each group is dictated by the personalities involved," explains Horvath.

"What is so great about a large support group network like Alcoholics Anonymous is the number and diversity of its support groups," says Joanna Poppink. "In L.A., there are thousands of AA meetings a day. You can try different meetings until you find a group you like."

To screen a particular support group, Horvath suggests reflecting upon how you feel when you are with the group and noting the emotions you experience afterward.

"If you sense the group is helping you and you want to be more like some of the people in it, get more involved with that group," says Horvath. "Try to determine whether as role models, they are going to push you in positive ways."

Once in a group, you'll be working through difficult emotions. Poppink warns not to mistake uncomfortable feelings with outgrowing the group. A good support group, just as a good group of friends, will challenge you to be a better person. Don't let that challenge make you want to run away.

"It's important to know that when you are healing there are going to be times when you're scared," says Poppink. "That is not when you should give up. Just know you're going to go through a period that will hurt and that you'll be better once you reach the other side."

Over time, what you need from any type of support group will change. For example, when Poppink went through her own recovery from bulimia 30 years ago, she says she initially needed intensive contact with a therapist and a support group. That need diminished as her distress abated.

"Involvement with a support group like that would be boring and intrusive for me now, but it was very necessary at the time," she says.

As you work through the problem you sought support for or as you reach another level in your healing, you will outgrow your group unless it progresses with you, adds Horvath.

"Once you realize the group has outlived its usefulness, then it's time to move on," he advises. Leaving a group can be uncomfortable; the other members may see it as rejection. "Don't feel guilty about growing beyond a group, be it a support group or group of friends," says Poppink. "Part of recovery is moving on. But remember to be patient and compassionate with the members you leave behind."

- Ann Sample Lineberger

Love,
CJ

[Curly(SO)]

No, you haven't changed CJ. I see you as I see me and everyone else...as complicated beings, who deserve respect, maybe we all need to think respect and care before we post on this forum, I want it back how it used to be too!

Love,
Curly(SO)

[Jassmine(SO)]

Hi CJ



I agree with Curly



*Hugs & Love*

[Alexandra]

Hi CJ,

If you look at the number of new girls who sign up then immediately post, welcoming other newer members you can easily see what this forum does best -- assure everybody that they're not alone and what they're feeling is perfectly normal. Its a peace of mind that money can't buy! One could argue that it would be pretty tough for a forum to top the initial impression it made on someone in the early days. I also suppose many of the newer girls feel that us "older" members have it more "together" and are unaware that some of us still have emotional needs?

Hang in there!!!!!

[Kyra]

Hey Girl,
Since my return, I've noticed a few changes here too. But, whether fortunate or not, change is inevitable. That's just how life is. Never ending, continual progression. I'm not sure there's an easy way of dealing with it.

Here's my thoughts: We should not dwell on the past too much. Don't hide from it. Learn from it, try to understand it, and then move on. It's true, hindsight is 20/20, but that's a good thing. The view looking forward is always different than glance over your shoulder. I guess, at least from my perspective, it's how we perceive and react to the changes around us that makes all the difference.

I look back to when I first joined the fourm and am amazed at how HUGE it has become. That is awesome! For so many years I thought I was alone. Isolated. Uncomfortably different. And I can see now that I'm not so different. Sure, I'm still a minority, but I'm not alone. I repeat, I"M NOT ALONE. I have YOU and the members of this forum to thank for that. I remember my hands trembling as I typed my first post. I remember the warm response it received. Warm caring individuals who could really understand and comprehend what I was going through. I was shocked, amazed, and elated. Others that I could relate to! Oh, the relief!This is my testimony.
It is one of many. It shows how the interaction of forum members produces positive results.
Need proof? Here's a recent quote from another member: "And listen to what CJ said above.... she is pretty damn smart.... " That one statement speaks of the great power of this fourm. CJ, your words touched someone enough for them to make this profound statement. Need more proof? Try this one..."CJ, I haven't responded to this, because I have always seen you as the rock of Gibralter. You were always so strong when I needed strength. You would save me when I was in the depths of suicidal dispair." If I read this right, you may very well have saved a life!! How's that for positive feedback?!

My point, if you haven't figured it out in all my ramblings, is that you matter. CJ, you matter to me. You matter to all your sisters here. To those in your workplace. Yes, even to the girl at the checkout counter in your grocery store. You are an integral part of so many lives, near and far.

In all the changes I've seen; In all the interaction, arbitration, and conflict, I still see the caring that goes on here. And if one more person gains insight or wisdom from a seemingly insignificant post, then the changes pale in comparison.

So if you feel a bit out of sorts, remind yourself how much you're needed, loved, respected, and how much you mean to so many.


Big huge squeeze the breath out of you hugs,
Kyra

[Jessie]

CJ,

I have to agree with Kyra. Her statement is prof postive that we can still be good to one anouther. Being one of the older gals of the forum I to have seen where some of my remarks have not always been responded to but I have always hope that something that I post will help, tickle or enlighten someone.

So you hang in there for I am still here hanging in there for you.

[Gelinda]

CJ: If you are leaving as you are applying then I want to know where too. You have saved me so many times I do not care to count. Yes you most likely saved my life also as I have been close to the magic of death to thine self a couple of times in the last few months. It was mainly your insight that stopped me plus Stef and a few others. As I see it Stef for the most part has left.

CJ tell me what I can do to help you, I have never really seen a post that you were wanting answers for yourself. I always see you helping others but not yourself so i am confused. Tell me what I can do for you and I will drive to where you are and do it. An I mean anything.

Gelinda.

[Virginia]

Hey CJ. yes things have been a bit on the down side here lately, but you and Beauty and Sharon and others provide this girl a lot of stability in her life. I guess I take too much for granted - huh? When I log on I expect to see you there as well as a lot of my other sisters. I guess we loose sight of the fact that we all "have our crosses to bear" Some of us do it with much more class than others. You are one of those classy ladies who puts others first and sometimes we forget to say thanks and ask you if we can do anything for you? I know Gee well enough to know that if you PM her and asked her to meet you at NIagria Falls at such and such a time and date - she would be there!!! We can't all pick up and do that but I guarantee you that if we could you would have a house full of your sisters in Montreal. Hang in there for us honey share with us and you have got to know we are here for you as you have been for us!!
WE all love you. CJ
Virginia

[Lorna]

Hi CJ,

I totally feel where you’re coming from. It was just a couple of months ago where I felt that I was Isolated and alone in a forum where we should all come for support. I felt alone because I started comparing my general life to everyone else’s. In my mind everyone else was married and financially comfortable while I was single, broke, and unemployed at the time.

I then reminded myself of one very crucial thing: I can’t go around comparing myself to everybody else. Even within a forum where we’re all TG I’m still “different”. I am who I am, just as you are who you are. I spent years preaching to myself & everyone around me about how “I’m me” and “I don’t care what people think of me” and all that jazz… but I confess that upholding that belief is MUCH easier said than done.

In a pro-conformity society in which we’re stuck, I simply had to remind myself that we are all unique and should never stop embracing that about ourselves. If every TG said "red" while I said "blue" I would have to remember to stand firnly by my choices.

You’re not alone, hon. I have felt what you feel now. I also wanted to let you know that you are more than a valuable asset to this forum, and have been since day one. I just wish there was more I could say to make you feel less isolated. But please feel free to e-mail or PM me at anytime.

We love you CJ!!!

~ Lorna

[DonnaT]

Of course there will be changes. People become more relaxed and start being more honest. We get new people in as others leave.

There is more support here, IMO, than decention. Sometimes support can be kind, and at other times rough. Neither is absolute, however.

The negativety arises from arguments. Instead of just giving ones opinion as compared to anothers, some of us tend to attack the other opinion while giving ours. That should not be the way we express our opinions, yet everyone is different and come from different backgrounds and reply in a way they are familier with.

Once such an 'attack' is made the original poster who's opinion gets attacked attacks back, then there is a battle. We may not be able to change the way some people respond by making an attack, but we can avoid the battle by not attacking back.

Hang in there CJ, it's not all bad. It is mostly good, as you can tell by the other's comments.

[Merinda]

I think this is the most supportive place I know of , most of the time I,m happy with what I do but on those few occasions when I've felt down and out you girls have been patient , understanding and given me helpfull advice .

[Anita]

Hi CJ--
You have taken a break at least once before, and it could be time to do it again. As a moderator, I'll grant you see more of the far boundries of the forum, and maybe the overall view is hard to handle. For me at the moment, the battles in Mordor are at a lull, and that's to be thankful for.

Do remember that these archives will be around for awhile, and your past words of support will go on comforting those that come behind us, no matter how you might be feeling right now.

As for getting support yourself; well, that can be tough to manage. There are times when no amount of comforting words from here are really going to do the trick, even though you do know you are appreciated.

Leaving support groups of any kind is not easy at all! Reading that section you posted brought back memories of all kinds--I've been part of many groups in my life. Keep on putting one foot (or one heel) in front of the other, and see where the coming weeks and months are taking you. Hopefully not away from here just yet, but...whatever is best for you.
Love,
Anita

[Celia]

Get away, CJ, and find something that interests you and takes your mind off the stresses you've experienced here. If we expect the sun to rise, we've got to let it set. Take whatever time you need and make no promises to return. It's your life, and you've got better things to do with it than slog through a burnout. We'll be here to welcome you back should you return and nonetheless remember you fondly if you don't. You've given us far more than we've had any reason to expect.

Yours,
Celia

[Ahzz]

CJ, sounds like your typical burnout. I've been feeling it myself for a while, which is why I haven't posted a whole lot lately. Something else to consider, the amount of biting remarks and mood may be nothing more than SAD. I know winter months get me edgy and a bit moody because I don't like it when it's freezing cold outside and I can't go out without dressing up in layers.

Take a break if you feel you need to. We'll all be here waiting for one of the best referees to be done with vacation time.