Hi all,
Heh. Kay submits another "stumper." That's cool.
Kay,
I'm glad you asked this because it's a topic I've been struggling with, myself. I'll put down a few thoughts, some of which my raise some hackles even though I mean no offense.
I've heard it said (by the mysterious "they") that "imitation is the sincerest form of flattery." I'm not sure I buy into that. Not in our case, anyway. It seems to me that we, as crossdressers, cannot be
intending to flatter women by imitating them because the impulse to crossdress is something we have no choice in submitting to (it's in our deepest psychological makeup)--
regardless of whether or not the women in our lives feel flattered by our imitation.
A small digression on semantics, here: although we CD's often think we're imitating women, could it be that the women in our lives often look upon what we do as a form of
emulation rather than imitation? While my dictionary defines "imitation" as "mimicking" and "looking like," it defines "emulation" as "trying to be the equal of" or "successfully competing with." Most women I know will never believe (and will never be flattered by) the fact that, just by wearing women's clothes and makeup and jewelry, a man can think that he's succeeded in "being the equal" of a woman. In fact, when you think about it, this kind of admittedly well-meaning view is (or can be) a totally reductionist take on what it means to be a woman. Personally, I would find it insulting (or, at the very least, disquieting); if I were a woman, I'm not sure that I'd find myself flattered by a man who implicitly believes that what I wear and how I present myself to the world is the essence of who I am. I'm more than just my image or the clothes I wear. And so are women. (And this is why many SO's are puzzled and scratch their heads over our love of clothes; to them, that's all it is, just clothes.)
Having said this, I know that CD's (myself included, of course) mean no harm when they tell their SO's that they should be flattered by their man's tribute (witting or unwitting) to the appearance of womanhood. Still, we CD's should never confuse a tribute to appearance with a tribute to
being itself. Alas! we almost always do so. Again, personally, I will never delude myself into thinking that my wearing a skirt and heels will give me any kind of special insight into what it feels like to
be a woman. At best, I can know what a woman's feet feel like at the end of a long day in heels, and only the feet of those women who actually wear heels, at that.
Another thing (maybe slightly more controversial, but here goes, anyway). Generally, men are very visually minded. More so than women. (And I'm not alking here about the "vanity, thy name is 'woman'" kind of visual-mindedness, but rather of the way in which men and women relate to the world around them.) When it comes to the relations between the sexes, men tend to think of women in those visual terms. Of course, there's such a thing as "the female gaze" as well, but it seems the female gaze can accommodate those things that are "unseen" (e.g., character and personality traits) more than the male gaze does when a man looks at a woman. What I'm trying to say is that, as both Gee and Sally have hinted at, we men have an "idealized" image of not only women but of womanhood itself, much more so than women have of men (and part of me wants to say that it's just not that hard to
not idealize men). Women tend to see the man in front of them whereas men tend to see the woman that's in their mind.
For me, the question then becomes: When we say we're imitating women, are we imitating "the women in front of us" or "the women in our mind"? I rather think we're imitating the idealized image because, in reality, women aren't always the glamourous, sexy, thrilling, beautiful, sultry, curvaceous creatures we make them out to be (if the looks most CD's are trying to achieve are any indication). No, women, like men, are just regular human beings with their pimples and creases and hopes and bad moods; they come in all shapes and sizes and flavours (most of which are never represented in the media or in the cultural imagination). Again, if I were a woman--if I were Kay--I, too, would feel a bit uneasy if I should notice that men who crossdress, and who tell me I should be flattered and feel complimented by their imitation of me, are, in reality, only imitating an image of women that doesn't exist in reality. I'd come to feel invisible, in a way. And that's certainly not flattering.
On a personal note, I look at my own photos on the gallery and I think, lo and behold! I haven't escaped this, myself. But, really, when it comes down to it, I fully understand that my presentation as a woman is a role I play in the theater of my mind. I play it because doing so obviously meets some deep-rooted psychological need of mine. I imagine it's like this for most of us. Still, I know that the image I project is a fantasy (and, this, by the way, is why I felt it was not only appropriate but necessary to also put up "boy mode" pix on my gallery). I used to think there was a contradiction (and, to me, it was a painful one) between my wanting to emulate the appearance and beauty of women and my interacting and relating to women on a person-to-person and human-to-human basis--regardless of their appearance. But I don't think of it as a contradiction any longer. In a way, my appearance as a woman has more to do with (and says more about) my relationship with myself than it does with, and about, my relationship to women. One doesn't exclude the other. Ultimately, there are many women in my life I'd wish to both imitate
and emulate because of their smarts and sensitivity, certainly not just because of their looks.
Anyway, Kay, I hope his helps some. Keep in mind, all of you, that this is just how yours truly tends to look at things. It doesn't make me right and it certainly doesn't mean that there aren't a myriad ways to "look" at this (pun intended).
Love,
CJ
and I wanted to pose a question about something that I keep reading in a mixed group I belong to. The phrases I see over and over are about how CD'rs admire women and want to emulate them and how flattered we should be or find this. 
I thought that maybe if I got some input into this from other's it would help me figure out what's going on with me. I think part of it might be the timing in when this has been used or said to me. It has sounded like the biggest crock, not sincere. But that's not it. Not what is really bugging me about it. There has got to be something more or something that I'm not getting or thinking of... Help! I have OCD and if I don't get answers I'll tend to obsess about it! 
If you are one who has said this, then maybe if you go into further detail about it, it will help me try to understand. And as most of you know, I'm always trying to understand not only others but myself as well... 
