Aeryn, I have read your post and I will not respond right now, most of my sisters know my situation. I would only say 'amen" to Dixie's post. It is not going to go away. It is really a "gift." Hopefully you will learn much more about it and be able to share it with those you come into contact with.
Love,
Virginia
The story...
Moderators: KimberlyS, CathyAnn
-
Aeryn
- Miss Emerald Goddess
- Posts: 185
- Joined: Sun Feb 20, 2005 2:48 pm
Dixie,Dixie Darling wrote:Aeryn,
You might, or might NOT, like to hear theis, but as you get older the frequency of your need to dress is apt to become higher. This is pretty normal in the life of a CD, so don't be alarmed about it when you see it happening.
Dixie Darling -- http://www.geocities.com/senorita_cd
Thanks for the well thought out and supportive post. My wife is most concerned about your comment above, as that is what she takes away from most of the posts here- that Cding becomes more prevalent over time. But what does that mean? It's been 8 years since I dressed last. So what is considered dressing more frequently? Is it dressing every 5 years instead of every 8 years?
One of the things I have noticed is my need to dress increases greatly with stress, which appears to be fairly common for many CDers. Interestingly, two of the major stressors in my life, Grad school (a HUGE stressor for the last 1 1/2 years) and a major project at work (for about the last six months) are now both gone. I graduate this month and the project at work is finished. With those stressors gone, I have had zero desire to dress, despite the stress my wife and I are dealing with over the whole CDing thing. In fact, it is the best I have felt, well, since starting grad school (factoring out how crappy I feel for not telling my wife).
So where does that leave things? Up in the air I guess. My wife had suggested that I buy everything I will need to dress now so that we don't have to deal with me buying things later. As I stated in an earlier post, she will most likely never accept this. Therefore, she only wants to deal with me buying stuff once. I am wondering if that is the way to go, just in case. Buy everything I might ever want now; makeup, breast forms, an outfit or two, maybe another pair of shoes, and pack them away with until the need returns. I don't know. Since I don't currently feel like dressing, it's weird even talking about that. But I suppose that is all part of the process.
I also feel kind of funny posting here, like somehow I don't belong anymore. I will, of course. I find great support and acceptance here and I know I can post anything without fear of ridicule. Just being able to post rambling thoughts helps me process things.
aeryn
-
Absaroka
- Miss Diamond Goddess
- Posts: 3344
- Joined: Fri Feb 04, 2005 8:30 am
Hi Aeryn,
I have to agree that your wife seems like a nice and reasonable person. It sounds like you two love seach other a lot. You sound a lot like me.
I guess this is for both of you since she reads these also.
I have not been able to tell my wife about my present activiites although she knows I did this when younger. I have been trying to figure out how to do this.
My big priority in this is our marriage. I love her and do not want to alienate her. Which is a huge paradox because what better way to alienate someone than to lie, even if you don't get "caught" But I want to keep this about you and am saying this as an effort to help her to undertand..........
It's nopt something that is going to go away. And like you it is very intermittent. I don't have a desire to be a woman and I am not gay. Those are the big fears that SO's seem to have. I don't have a real desire for her to participate although maybe if that were more thinkable it would change. It might be nice to chat about in terms of "what did you wear today while I was out?"
I thnk your wifes first two conditions are resonable but I think the third is bound to cause trouble. I would ask why does she want veot power? It does not sound like she wants to approve color coordination given that she doesn't want to participate. Is this more about she doesn't want you to dress like a "slut" because she has concerns about where she is going? Perhps further discussion of that is in order. Perhaps not. Also the idea of buying everything now. That sounds like she just wants to know that it is done. But why buy it if you don't feel the need right now.
these things sound like she is terrified of losing control, which sounds very reasonable to me. But i am not sure that in reality it is the best wasy to proceed. You might leave it that when you do feel the need then you will try to get your ensemble together and let her see it just once.
One thing I have read is that at this point continued lying causes real probelms. Once you tell the truth keep doing that.
But who am I? I have little experience in this, even thought I do have lots of experience in being married-one marriage lasting 18 years so far and mostly pretty happy.
Good luck and keep us posted. And yess you definitely belong here and I look forward to more of your diary-it is helpful to me
Andrea
I have to agree that your wife seems like a nice and reasonable person. It sounds like you two love seach other a lot. You sound a lot like me.
I guess this is for both of you since she reads these also.
I have not been able to tell my wife about my present activiites although she knows I did this when younger. I have been trying to figure out how to do this.
My big priority in this is our marriage. I love her and do not want to alienate her. Which is a huge paradox because what better way to alienate someone than to lie, even if you don't get "caught" But I want to keep this about you and am saying this as an effort to help her to undertand..........
It's nopt something that is going to go away. And like you it is very intermittent. I don't have a desire to be a woman and I am not gay. Those are the big fears that SO's seem to have. I don't have a real desire for her to participate although maybe if that were more thinkable it would change. It might be nice to chat about in terms of "what did you wear today while I was out?"
I thnk your wifes first two conditions are resonable but I think the third is bound to cause trouble. I would ask why does she want veot power? It does not sound like she wants to approve color coordination given that she doesn't want to participate. Is this more about she doesn't want you to dress like a "slut" because she has concerns about where she is going? Perhps further discussion of that is in order. Perhaps not. Also the idea of buying everything now. That sounds like she just wants to know that it is done. But why buy it if you don't feel the need right now.
these things sound like she is terrified of losing control, which sounds very reasonable to me. But i am not sure that in reality it is the best wasy to proceed. You might leave it that when you do feel the need then you will try to get your ensemble together and let her see it just once.
One thing I have read is that at this point continued lying causes real probelms. Once you tell the truth keep doing that.
But who am I? I have little experience in this, even thought I do have lots of experience in being married-one marriage lasting 18 years so far and mostly pretty happy.
Good luck and keep us posted. And yess you definitely belong here and I look forward to more of your diary-it is helpful to me
Andrea
everything under the sun is in tune
but the sun is eclipsed by the moon
but the sun is eclipsed by the moon
-
DonnaT
- Miss Great Goddess
- Posts: 8222
- Joined: Fri Sep 17, 2004 11:04 am
- Location: No. Virginia
Aeryn,
Jungian anima theory, indicates that stress can be a factor in the emergence on the female anima in men.
The anima (soul), in the biologic male, is the image of the feminine, or the woman within the man. Every man has that, and Jung writes a lot about this, but never with respect to crossdressers. Animus is the inner masculine side of a woman.
Stress, in theory, tends to shift the crossdresser into the feminine, a more healthy behavior than self-destructive ones like alcohol or drugs.
It sounds, however, that you have more control over your anima than a lot of crossdressers, thus you do not have the need to dress.
Having clothes available to dress in may weaken that control. And once you let that happen, the need/desire to CD seems to increase. For example, when I was in the Army with no access to fem clothes, the need didn't arise. When I went home on leave, where there were clothes available, then I felt the need and dressed.
So I would suggest that you not go out and buy fem clothes unless the need becomes too strong to put aside.
Jungian anima theory, indicates that stress can be a factor in the emergence on the female anima in men.
The anima (soul), in the biologic male, is the image of the feminine, or the woman within the man. Every man has that, and Jung writes a lot about this, but never with respect to crossdressers. Animus is the inner masculine side of a woman.
Stress, in theory, tends to shift the crossdresser into the feminine, a more healthy behavior than self-destructive ones like alcohol or drugs.
It sounds, however, that you have more control over your anima than a lot of crossdressers, thus you do not have the need to dress.
Having clothes available to dress in may weaken that control. And once you let that happen, the need/desire to CD seems to increase. For example, when I was in the Army with no access to fem clothes, the need didn't arise. When I went home on leave, where there were clothes available, then I felt the need and dressed.
So I would suggest that you not go out and buy fem clothes unless the need becomes too strong to put aside.
DonnaT
-
Aeryn
- Miss Emerald Goddess
- Posts: 185
- Joined: Sun Feb 20, 2005 2:48 pm
Andrea,
I think the veto power is more about setting limits on what is acceptable such as going out, wanting to dress daily, really expensive breast forms or a closet full of clothes, hormones, those sorts of things. I can agree to that because I dragged her here against her will. Not that I want any of the above, but I think that is where she was going given that she has told me she would buy me stuff.
Donna,
You raised an intersting point about not getting a whole wardrobe together now because if the opportunity exists I might be more likely to take it. That makes perfect sense, but in an odd way, that isn't how I currently feel. Right now I do have some stuff and it is stored in the basement. Since my stress has diminished, even though it is there, am not "feeling it". In fact, having what I have seems to bring some comfort. I know that sounds paradoxical but somehow it works. Just knowing I have stuff lessens the need to dress, somehow having the knowledge that I can dress (because I have stuff) lessens my need to. It is kind of like posting on these boards. Somehow being here lessens the overall need to dress, perhaps being here allows me to experience the feminine side of me, to "let her out" so-to-speak, in a socially acceptable way.
My wife and I haven't talked further about my "stash" and what to do. I am unsure what to do. I see the merits of waiting until the urge become strong again, but at the same time I see the merits of getting it all know so my wife doesn't have to deal with it again.
aeryn
I think the veto power is more about setting limits on what is acceptable such as going out, wanting to dress daily, really expensive breast forms or a closet full of clothes, hormones, those sorts of things. I can agree to that because I dragged her here against her will. Not that I want any of the above, but I think that is where she was going given that she has told me she would buy me stuff.
Donna,
You raised an intersting point about not getting a whole wardrobe together now because if the opportunity exists I might be more likely to take it. That makes perfect sense, but in an odd way, that isn't how I currently feel. Right now I do have some stuff and it is stored in the basement. Since my stress has diminished, even though it is there, am not "feeling it". In fact, having what I have seems to bring some comfort. I know that sounds paradoxical but somehow it works. Just knowing I have stuff lessens the need to dress, somehow having the knowledge that I can dress (because I have stuff) lessens my need to. It is kind of like posting on these boards. Somehow being here lessens the overall need to dress, perhaps being here allows me to experience the feminine side of me, to "let her out" so-to-speak, in a socially acceptable way.
My wife and I haven't talked further about my "stash" and what to do. I am unsure what to do. I see the merits of waiting until the urge become strong again, but at the same time I see the merits of getting it all know so my wife doesn't have to deal with it again.
aeryn
-
Anita
- Miss Diamond Goddess
- Posts: 3068
- Joined: Mon Jan 05, 2004 2:55 pm
- Location: Burlingame, CA (San Francisco Bay area)
[quote="Aeryn"]
>>Just knowing I have stuff lessens the need to dress, somehow having the knowledge that I can dress (because I have stuff) lessens my need to.
Hi Aeryn--
That is certainly the way it works for me. Knowing that I can means that I don't need to, at this point. However, I was more like Donna in that I went many years without by making sure I never had any clothes around. Why this worked then, I have no idea.
Buying "everything" now is just not a good idea, and I would not do it. Because of the strange nature of my late-blooming CDing, I had to buy all my things at one time, because I had zero female items. I did OK, considering that I knew next to nothing about it.
But it's a time-consuming process, and takes a lot of trial-and-error. Some things look OK in the store, but never look right again anywhere else! Makeup takes practice, and I ended up discarding many products, and getting new ones to achieve looks that I was gradually learning to do.
Breast size is not something you can just figure out and be done with, either.
I can see that your wife would rather there not BE any trial-and-error, because that implies more time spent CDing. But if you really aren't feeling it right now, it's not a good time to buy much of anything.
>>Just knowing I have stuff lessens the need to dress, somehow having the knowledge that I can dress (because I have stuff) lessens my need to.
Hi Aeryn--
That is certainly the way it works for me. Knowing that I can means that I don't need to, at this point. However, I was more like Donna in that I went many years without by making sure I never had any clothes around. Why this worked then, I have no idea.
Buying "everything" now is just not a good idea, and I would not do it. Because of the strange nature of my late-blooming CDing, I had to buy all my things at one time, because I had zero female items. I did OK, considering that I knew next to nothing about it.
But it's a time-consuming process, and takes a lot of trial-and-error. Some things look OK in the store, but never look right again anywhere else! Makeup takes practice, and I ended up discarding many products, and getting new ones to achieve looks that I was gradually learning to do.
Breast size is not something you can just figure out and be done with, either.
I can see that your wife would rather there not BE any trial-and-error, because that implies more time spent CDing. But if you really aren't feeling it right now, it's not a good time to buy much of anything.