MENTAL BREAK DOWN!

[Jean-P]

Okay the past few days have been interesting and I have to post it..

On Friday I had what could only be called a mental break down... I had been feeling depressed and guilty about what has been happening to me over the last month.. And what it was doing to my wife... and I snapped! THAT'S IT NO MORE CDing.. I DON'T WANT IT ANYMORE! I told my wife that I couldn't do this anymore and that I was going to just KILL IT! Or at the very least keep it in my head! I was tired of the confusing thoughts in my head, and after reading some of the posts about how peoples marriages where falling apart, well I just couldn't take it anymore...

My wife replied (God I love this women) “So how’s that working for you so far?”. At first I was mad at her, how dare she NOT want me to stop.. After all look what it is doing to her..???? But I was determined.. IT WAS OVER! And to bed I went...

Well as I slept I had a dream.. I was shopping for shoes, WOMENS SHOES... But I was happy, content, un-stressed! (For tho's of you who don't know I tried to buy shoes last week and ran out of the store with my tail between my legs).. Until I woke up... then I was miserable... How can I kill this thing if the more I try to squash it the more I think about it...? I must have sat on the edge of the bed for an hour... I then moved to the couch where I could look out the windows and see the birds flying around in the sky (This sometime helps me think).. After about an hour my wife came out from the office and said to me "So, are we going shoe shopping today?" I didn't know what to say. I was confused, but she left me to my thoughts...

After her nap she came to me again and asked if we where going shoe shopping.. By this time I had realized that she was right! I cannot kill a part of myself without killing the rest of me and that I AM A CROSSDRESSER!.. No escape... I agreed to go and look around.. Before we left she came out and presented me with 2 long skirts and 1 short jean skirt and said that I was welcome to try them on if I wanted too but I didn’t have too.. I just sat there with a stupefied grin on my face not knowing which way to turn. So I said nothing. Although my heart was pounding like a jack hammer.

So before anybody starts on her about being too pushy or not letting me go at my own pace, it wasn't like that.. My wife is probably the only person on this planet that knows me better then I do.. Sadly, more then I know her... And without her push I would still be sitting on the couch feeling trapped in my own head.. So I thank her for that..


So off to the shoe store we went.. When we arrived there was allot of people there.. But I managed to muster enough courage to go in... We looked up and down the isle for a bit, I saw lots and lots of shoes that I WANTED but would never fit my feet, so we looked some more... Suddenly my wife starts calling out for assistance from a clerk.. I was terrified! In my head I was screaming at her “WHAT THE HELL ARE YOU DOING!!!!" then two clerks appeared.. OH MY GOD!!!!!!! But with out missing a beat she tells them that we are going to a perim party (Kind of like a Jewish version of Halloween) and that Myself and a few of my macho friends decided to go as Queen ester, and WE needed shoes.. Okay I started to calm down, there where a few chuckles and one of them sugested that I try the end of stock bin.. Well we did find some shoes that did fit a little tight but they where 1/2 size too small..

When we arrived home I put the bag on the couch and mentally tried to ignore it.. I took out the garbage, did the dishes, walked around.. I felt like a hungry tiger in a cage..

Then I joined my wife in the bedroom.. As I lay on the bed watching some TV with her she asked if I was going to put on the shoes or not and she reassured me that if they sat in the box for months that would be fine too. After a little while I decided that I could no longer hold back and I was starting to go out of my head a little.. She could see this and said "Just do it.. I will go in the office so you won't be embarrassed" and with that I was left alone on my bed surrounded by nylons, dresses, silk tops and a pair of high shoes... and I sat there for sometime just looking at everything fighting everything that I was told from childhood that this was BAD!.

After some deep breaths I put on a blue silk top and a pair of pantyhose then tried to put on one of my wife’s jean skirts.. Loved how it felt, couldn't do it up!! But it still felt GOOD .. I then walked into the office where my wife was working and presented my self... She looked for some time, this was the first time that I or She had seen me dressed.. She offered some tips and said "There that's not so bad!" I just wanted to hug her soooooo much, but we had talked about her not wanting to get affection from me in a dress! So I held back..

The shoes where still in the box.. In my mind that was the last hurdle after that there was no going back (Okay I realize how silly that seems wearing nylons and a dress. but at the time it was relevant! ).. I actually sat there for a long time just staring at them, wondering what they would feel like in my nylons........ Again my wife comes to my mental rescue... “You don't have to where them if you don't want too.." , but I had already decided I was going to atleast try... And I did.. I was both terrified and exhilarated at the same time.. Okay walking proved to be interesting, almost comical.. After a few minutes I started to feel guilty again, and my wife had left the room (to collect her thoughts and calm down I guess) so I changed back into my drabs.. It wasn't a long time but it was a huge step.. I think that I have started to accept me for who and what I am.. And I couldn't have done that without the support of my wonderful wife...

THANK YOU SINJOY!!!

[DonnaT]

Wow, congratulations on finally trying to accept who you are.

And Sinjoy, what can I say but - Wonderful!

Note things will be easier on you if you don't even think about dressing. That is, jsut let it happen naturally and don't fight it. And don't try to force yourself to quit.

Some days you'll want to dress more than others and then you can turn to Sinjoy and say "I feel like dressing today. Is that ok with you?"

I just wanted to hug her soooooo much, but we had talked about her not wanting to get affection from me in a dress! So I held back..

There should be nothing wrong with a hug of appreciation is this case.

I'd suggest that you two try and get more comfortable with this, as you'll be living with it for a long time to come. Try sitting together and just holding hands while your dressed.

One day at a time.

[Jean-P]

There should be nothing wrong with a hug of appreciation is this case.

I'd suggest that you two try and get more comfortable with this, as you'll be living with it for a long time to come. Try sitting together and just holding hands while your dressed.

One day at a time.

Well I think even I have issues with this right now, it's not that we don't want to touch each other when I am dressed, just it was the first time for both of us that I was dressed and it was just a little weird at the time.. We are always holding hands and hugging, to the point of other people’s nausea.. But this is admittedly outside the realm for both of us...

[DonnaT]

Of course, but it will get easier. Especially when both partners are working together.

[Sinjoy(SO)]

Donna,

Thanks, but PLEASE stay out of my marraige! I didn't appreciate you saying that in this case it would have been fine. It would not have!!

I love how supportive and loveing you are, but you are WAY off on this one sister.

Again, thank you for being so supportive to my husband.... but you have NO IDEA what this is like from my end.

One month, that is all, one month. That is how long I have known. I bought the nail polish for him. I bought the nylons and the knee highs for him. I was there to help with the shoe purchase. I went though MY closet to find him clothes. I think I have been pretty darn good for ONE MONTH!!

I know how you feel about boundries, and hey, if this works for you, great! Go with G-d and be happy!!! But PLEASE don't tell people that it is ok for them to go against what their SO has said. That is a sacred trust. Later last night, after he changed into his"drabs" I thanked him for NOT hugging, or touching me. We did, as we do everynight, fall asleep while cuddeling. We are very affectionate people.

Please Donna, try to remember, this was a HUGE shock to me. Together for 12 years, and than to find out about this??? To accept this in such a short period of time, I think I'm amazing!!!!!!!!

I'm not saying that he can NEVER touch me while in "gear" but the first time??? I'm impressed I didn't run out of the room crying and screaming!!

You know it is sad, we SO's have to take everything in stride. A little understanding from the CD's would be appreciated.

Again, thank you for the kudos, and suport for my husband


Sinjoy(SO)

[Jessie]

To Sinjoy

I have been in a realtionship so I will not try and give advice but I want to say one thing. You are great. It takes a lot to learn something difacult from someone that you thought you knew for so long and I got to say I think both of you are wonderful. I do not want to take sides I just want to be a friend and always, ALWAYS hope that people can talk things out. I have seen it with my parents when people do not comunicate and have to say it is the worse thing ever. There has never been any harm when two people who love one anouther will listen and talk to one anouther as I hope you will do.

Boy am I preachy or what??

Love and Friendship Jessie

[DonnaT]

Sinjoy, I'm sorry you took what I said in a manner not intended.

I said "There should be nothing wrong with a hug of appreciation is this case. " I didn't say it would have been fine.

I fully appreciate the fact that you two are working together on this, and only offered an idea of a way to do that, so that at some point in the you both can relax and accept this part of your life. Hopefully that will be when you both don't even think of the clothes one is wearing.

Sorry again for the misunderstanding.

[Sinjoy(SO)]

Dear Donna,

Thank you for the apology. I too am sorry, I came down on you pretty hard, you didn't deserve it. Unfortunatly, I was a just a little over sensitive ( PMS, and I'm out of my extra strenght pamprin), on top of the weekend from hell. When Jean-p had his little "breakdown" there was some yelling and hurt feelings. I thought if I had kept my big mouth shut he wouldn't had freaked out so bad (jewish guilt). I didn't think I had said anything that bad, and later came to find out it was NOT me, but him.

Again thank you, and I too am sorry


Dear Jessie,

You are right communication is the key to any healthy relashionship, be it with friends, family, your lover, or someone you have met in these sacred sites. As most people will tell you (both here and in life outside cyber space) Nobody has to guess what is on my mind. I shoot straight from the hip. And thanks for the words of encouragement. (not preachy at all


Sinjoy(so)

[Virginia]

You folks are amazing to me!!!! I am ill equipped to make the comments that need to be made, so I will leave it to our resident experts, but I have to say THANK YOU to Jean and Sinjoy for having the heart to share with us. We all know this can and is a very dangerous "trip" for both parties. To have the intestinal fortitude to share this is one of the kindest things that you can do. I think it can only help your realtionship to see it in print but it additionally helps the other girls here who are struggling with this "Magical Mystery Tour."
And in my humble opinion, Sinjoy and Donna are to be held in the highest esteem for their mature handling of each others interpretation of what was said. This is what we are here for: To support each other and to lend that critical helping hand to those who may come after us and be struggling with the same issues.
I for one am so proud of you all, God bless you!!
Virginia

[Elandra]

You know it is sad, we SO's have to take everything in stride. A little understanding from the CD's would be appreciated.

Im not speaking for all CD's, but for me most of the work i have to do on acceptance of this all im our life, is how my wife is doing with it all, im always asking if everything is ok, is she mad at me, do u want me to change? i think that what goes along with being a man that knows of his Femme side you see deeper into how woman feel, haveing more understanding and compation are all traits we have that humanity has always shuned a man to have,The thing on our minds mostly is how are they? I think most so's are very inlightened people, accpeting, and understanding. I wonder how much CDing god put out there to teach more people how to just be together, to intencify our understanding of whats inside of ourselves and to help others understand that we are all just miricles of life.

Jean's post was very touching, reminded me a lot of what happend the night i first showed my SO, i almost cryed reading it. Good luck to you both, hope all works out

Sinjoy, i think u are doing a great job copeing, what you have done for Jean is a lot like how Charlie helped me, you can always feel free to message her and talk and grow together, maybe you both can help each other.

[Gelinda]

Ms Sinjoy: I can only say you are amazing. I can only dream of what my wife is thinking. I attempted to get her to explore this forum and talk to me about it. As we live 1100 miles apart due to my work, it has really worryied me as to her feelings.

Jean P. You listen to that lady of yours and go at her pace. I can see that is what I am going to do also.

Thanks for being so open with your feelings about this. Gee.

[Marti]

Jean and Sinjoy,
Make sure that you take things slowly. I didn't tell my wife about my dressing for many years. She was mildly accepting as you sound like you are Sinjoy. ( I liked the Queen Esther, Purim Line). I took advantage of her and went a little overboard. She now wants nothing to do with it and doesn't want to see any of it. I am just glad that she accepts that I do it and doesn't force me to completely quit.

Marti

[Absaroka]

You two sound liike you are handling a difficult situation very well. I am impressed and it gives me hope

Andrea

[Sinjoy(SO)]

To my dearst husband, Jean-P,

I am SOOO proud of you. I know how hard it was for you to write this.I also know how hard it was for you to press the "submit" button, and have your story go out to the world.

Well, I have now seen you in a skirt, and guess what?? I'm still here. I'm still not going anywhere.

I love you, I am IN love with you, and you still are my best friend.

What else can I say but you are stuck with me for life( besides, I don't know of a Rabbi who would delare me sane enough to give me a "get")

Hugs, kisses,all my love and friendship

ME

[Kay(SO)]

Wow, what a wonderful bunch of posts and people! I want to thank you all for sharing and for the ability to be so open here. It's great and I know I for one learn, feel joy, hope and love from all the experiences that are shared here. Thanks again!

Kay(SO)