Once upon a time, about 8 years ago, when I was in my early 40s, I spent a couple of years part-timing as a call girl for an escort service. [...and they all moved away from her on the bench...]
It started because I needed a bunch of money very quickly (no drug problem or anything - just needed a lot of money very quickly) and a friend was making $200/hr at it... It continued because...well...because...I liked it. And that's what I wanted to throw out there for ya'll to mull over. It seems to me that men CD because they like it. Because it does something for them. That it is, in the end, just that simple.
So, I thought that since this was the closest I've ever come to fully putting on another personna, I'd throw out how I felt while doing it, and see if it sheds light on another highly charged topic - that of CDing. For the record, I think I'm talking about hetero or bi CDs who have no desire to stop being men, and no desire for surgery. I think most of us at least understand the people who think they were born with the wrong body. It's the ones that think they were born correctly and like to pretend they are a woman that confuse us. (Oh geez, please don't anyone take offense at that...)
What I liked about it was this. I had a chance to put on another *person*.
For those hours, I wasn't me...I didn't look like Georgia and I didn't act like Georgia. Georgia is a responsible, creative, slightly disorganized, loving, giving woman who is multi-faceted and is sometimes Earth Mother, sometimes Party Girl, Mom, wife, writer, and strong Executive Woman. Georgia also has had her heart smithereened, has her fair share of insecurities, is slightly overweight, etc., etc., etc.
Jesse was none of that. Jesse was selfish. Jesse was totally and completely about me. Jesse was a totally different person - Jesse pampered me, she protected me, she was strong in places I would not have been. She was a power bitch and, most of all, Jesse couldn't be hurt because Jesse had no soul. Was she just an act? No. She was a different person that I put on. Originally, my friend told me that I would need a different name to do this - you just have to be able to differentiate between yourself (Mom, wife, you...) and this woman who's selling sex for a really good price.
So, I took a different name. And I dressed different. But the different person that I put on to go to work - *that* came up out of nowhere. And it felt incredibly good to stop dealing with whatever was going on in my real life for a while and *become* someone else - someone totally devoted to me.
There were other parts of this that I liked - and I'll admit that the money was a strong draw. But I liked that men related to me differently as Jesse. Jesse was so totally removed from a "real woman" that they would open up a lot and let me see "them". Hell if I know why...I guess because they had nothing to lose if I rejected their real selves.
What I really liked about how men related to me though, was that if I went out in public as Jesse, who did wear publicly acceptable clothing, the absolute strut in her step, the confidence that she had, made men stare at her and admire her. Now obviously, Jesse weighs the same as Georgia, and Jesse had the same unruly hair as Georgia (Jesse didn't wear anything false.) In fact, Jesse - physically - looked just like Georgia. But there was a difference. I can look at old pictures and know which was Georgia and which was Jesse. I wasn't wearing different hairstyles or anything - I was *wearing* a different person.
And while the sex was, in and of itself, totally and completely dull and amazingly unimaginative, (except for that one guy that wanted to be slathered in mashed potatoes, but I digress...
), it was a real trip to have sex as someone else. Totally different to role playing with my then-husband. I *was* someone else.There were parts of it I didn't like too. Never mind the chance of being busted, raped, or STDs. I didn't like the vague sense of guilt that followed me around. I didn't like that parts of Jesse bled over into Georgia and that I found myself at work (in a real office, not working from home as I do now), with my blouse unbuttoned one button too low, because Jesse's tastes had showed up when I was getting dressed that morning.
I didn't like wondering why I liked being Jesse - why I liked being a prostitute. Nothing in me, up until that time, would have made me think that I would like that. But there it was.
I also didn't like my then-husband (not my current CDing sweetie) seeing me dressed. He was, more or less, supportive in the beginning and on one occasion asked to come to the house we worked from. It was most uncomfortable - primarily because my two really disparate worlds were clanging together. I was the one that had real problems with him being there. Jesse and Georgia belonged to two different worlds and having them converge was one of the most disconcerting moments in my life.
I wasn't ashamed of what I was doing, but I could be embarrased about it. I declared, loudly, that I wasn't hurting anyone and that it should be legal, etc., etc., and it should be societally acceptable because I was selling a service, etc., etc. Still believe all that stuff -- except societally acceptable because if too many women begin doing this, supply and demand will take over and the prices will drop!
Now, how is this relevant to CDing? First, it seems to me, from the outside looking in, that some CDs are putting on another person, just as I was putting on Jesse. That this woman they put on may offer them some of the things Jesse offered me - a break from being me! Total self absorbtion, total vanity, total differentiation from my everyday self. I talked with my current sweetie about this and he said that his femme side too has no soul and can't be hurt. I don't know if the rest of the guys are like that, but it does seem to me that it's the guy side that gets hurt, not the female side.
Secondly, I felt the same sort of "society disapproves" angst that they seem to feel. The same sort of "I'm not doing anything that hurts anyone so why does it matter?" frustration. The same sort of occasional "What's wrong with me that I don't find this utterly and totally distasteful." The same sort of "why are you, my loving husband, looking at me like that?" confusion. I'm the same old Georgia you fell in love with. The thing is - I wasn't. Jesse did bleed over into Georgia.
And I know that this was really hard for my husband to deal with. He *thought* he'd be ok with it ($200/hr is $200/hr). He thought it was a phase I was going through. He thought -- I don't know what all he thought. It turned out to be more than he could deal with. Because although his brain said "This is just a job!", his upbringing was screaming, "OMG, my beautiful wife's a whore!" In the end, it was the straw that broke the camel's back on a relationship that wasn't working anyway. It wasn't the cause of the divorce - it was the lightning rod that blew away any pretenses. I was livid with him for a long time - he had *told* me he'd be ok with it. He had spent some of the money. He had been the one to want an open relationship. I felt that, after all that, his saying he couldn't deal with this and that he wanted a divorce (as well as some nasty name calling one night) was a betrayal of the approval I was operating under. I have to tell you, that now, being the SO of a CD, we sometimes think we're ok with something that, once in practice, is harder than we think it will be.
I also know this. I told my current sweetie about working as a call girl before he ever told me about his CDing. I wasn't going to begin a relationship of any sort with this in my closet, waiting to explode. He doesn't mind. However, you understand that this is something I did long before I met him and he doesn't have to look at it in the bathroom every morning. Probably rarely thinks about it. And when we had a severe downturn in business in the last couple of years and were about to lose everything - house, car, etc., and there was no food in the house, I tentatively suggested that I could do this again. He looked at me and swallowed hard and said, "Not on my watch." This CDing man, who knows intimately not to judge another book by the cover, couldn't deal with it in his backyard. I understand that.
I also know that Jesse pops up unexpectedly now and again. She no longer is a working girl, but occasionally, she will step in and protect me when I'm feeling insecure and vulnerable. She's everything that I am not - ballsy, brazen, and totally selfabsorbed. And yes, there are times I like her a great deal. And yes, I did enjoy my walk on the wild side. And yes, it did bother me that I enjoyed that walk. And yes, it confused me and exhilirated me and I would be embarrased if friends and family knew, and no, I couldn't understand why my husband was having problems with it, and yes, I made excuses like "it's just a job", and........
Now, no one out there is allowed to feel sorry for me! I have posted this for one reason. Because somehow I feel that there is a possibility that hetero CDs who have no desire for surgery, are putting on a different person (not personality, but a different person!) rather than just putting on different clothes. That somehow this allows you to *be* someone you're not. And I think that SOs have more trouble with this different person than with the clothes. And just as my husband misunderstood that Jesse was not some whore living just under my skin, maybe we SOs of CDs don't quite get it either.
And I thought that if I could explain what it feels like to put on a different person - a very cool, very big rush with so many downsides that it wouldn't be worth it, except for that rush...and the calmness that comes when Jesse is in charge and *Georgia* doesn't have to think about things for a little while -- I thought maybe this would help ya'll talk together.
I have no clue if I'm on the right track for any of ya'll. But I do think that my guy's femme side is more of another person that he puts on - sorta akin to Jesse. Now for the kicker - even though I truly and intimately understand this from this point of view, I'm not always ok with it. Just as my husband didn't like Jesse and my current sweetie wouldn't like Jesse if he were to meet her, I don't particularly like his female personna.
Jesse and his female side (she doesn't seem to have a name...) are not nice people. And *THAT* my friends, is the whole point! This will get me kicked out of the Nice Girls of America Club, but the whole rush in this was that Jesse didn't need to be nice. Jesse didn't need to be understanding. Jesse didn't need to be compassionate. Jesse didn't need to be anything but self-protecting and self-serving and self-self-self. Maybe my guy's femme side is about him -- about taking care of him solely and completely and totally disregarding all the compassionate, understanding, loving parts that his male side is.
Just throwing this out for ya'll's discussion. As I said, no one is allowed to feel sorry for me any more so than I should feel sorry for you because you like panties!
-georgia, wondering if ya'll will still talk to me after this...
All I do know is that I am trying to understand her for the most part but I guess society has done a wee bit of brain washing and I truly hate to admit that but I guess a wee little part of me at times can't grasp the reason as to WHY my sweetie needs to be Elandra???? Why does she need to dress up and be this feminine persona when the same warm compassionate person is still there?