Hi all,
A friend of mine made a comment to me yesterday that has inspired this post. As far as I know this person is not a cross-dresser.
And this comment was made among a number of people. The comment was that everyone should choose the lifestyle they want, and then do what it takes to make the best of it.
I am interested in getting input from others here on tips and ideas on how to make the best of a cross-dressers lifestyle, independent of attempting to change how others think. I am not interested in information on how we might change the world in order to make the best of it..
Can we have a thread focused on that?
Love Darlene.
Making the Best of it.
Moderators: KimberlyS, CathyAnn
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Loretta Ann
- Permanently Banned
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- Joined: Tue Feb 24, 2004 11:30 pm
- Location: Vancouver, Canada
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RikkiOfLA
- Miss Platinum Goddess
- Posts: 298
- Joined: Fri Aug 22, 2003 11:39 pm
- Location: Los Angeles, California, USA
What a great idea, Darlene! 
I've found a lot of things that have helped make my lifestyle (which includes crossdressing) wonderful. Here are some of them that have worked for me:
1. Know your own self. Cathy Anderson is sure right about this one. The more we know about ourselves--how much we want to crossdress, why we want to crossdress, and all the rest (not just involving crossdressing), the happier we can be. It may not change our desires, but it brings to them the added ability to make conscious decisions to benefit ourselves and others.
2. Get over the guilt! I used to feel fearful, guilty, and ashamed about my crossdressing. I became much happier when I was able simply to accept it. I now know that it's part of my lifestyle, and it's a part that I want in my lifestyle.
3. Find a sense of purpose. Part of self-acceptance is finding a sense of purpose for our drives. How can we use crossdressing in positive ways in our lives? There are many possibilities. You can make a decision to do something positive for the people around you, and to do it crossdressed. Another possibility is to do something positive for the crossdressing community. Volunteer through a support group. Help newbie crossdressers.
4. Plan for acceptance. This means taking your crossdressing into account when planning for education, career, and retirement. Plan to be in places where your crossdressing has a good chance of being accepted.
5. If you go out dressed, dress appropriately. Build your wardrobe around activities that you like to do dressed, and then dress for those activities. You'll feel safer and more comfortable, and have more fun.
This is just an outline, of course, and much more detail can be added to any of these suggestions. And I didn't think of everything, of course.
What are some of your ideas?
I've found a lot of things that have helped make my lifestyle (which includes crossdressing) wonderful. Here are some of them that have worked for me:
1. Know your own self. Cathy Anderson is sure right about this one. The more we know about ourselves--how much we want to crossdress, why we want to crossdress, and all the rest (not just involving crossdressing), the happier we can be. It may not change our desires, but it brings to them the added ability to make conscious decisions to benefit ourselves and others.
2. Get over the guilt! I used to feel fearful, guilty, and ashamed about my crossdressing. I became much happier when I was able simply to accept it. I now know that it's part of my lifestyle, and it's a part that I want in my lifestyle.
3. Find a sense of purpose. Part of self-acceptance is finding a sense of purpose for our drives. How can we use crossdressing in positive ways in our lives? There are many possibilities. You can make a decision to do something positive for the people around you, and to do it crossdressed. Another possibility is to do something positive for the crossdressing community. Volunteer through a support group. Help newbie crossdressers.
4. Plan for acceptance. This means taking your crossdressing into account when planning for education, career, and retirement. Plan to be in places where your crossdressing has a good chance of being accepted.
5. If you go out dressed, dress appropriately. Build your wardrobe around activities that you like to do dressed, and then dress for those activities. You'll feel safer and more comfortable, and have more fun.
This is just an outline, of course, and much more detail can be added to any of these suggestions. And I didn't think of everything, of course.
What are some of your ideas?
Love and respect,
Rikki
Rikki
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Estefania
- Miss Platinum Goddess
- Posts: 390
- Joined: Thu Aug 14, 2003 12:42 pm
Hi Darlene.
I think that one important thing to say is...
Do realize that the whole world doesn't revolve around your CDing. I would dare to say that for most, CDing is not a lifestyle... just a part of life.
True, for some it is indeed a lifestyle, and if they can live happily that way, grrrrreat! However, for most it is something that can absorve all of their free time and most of their energy. Don't let that happen... There are other things in life that are more important than CDing. Prioritize! Don't obsess over it.
If you are able to find a balance in your life including your CDing, that will greatly enhance your quality of life...
Love,
Gaby
I think that one important thing to say is...
Do realize that the whole world doesn't revolve around your CDing. I would dare to say that for most, CDing is not a lifestyle... just a part of life.
True, for some it is indeed a lifestyle, and if they can live happily that way, grrrrreat! However, for most it is something that can absorve all of their free time and most of their energy. Don't let that happen... There are other things in life that are more important than CDing. Prioritize! Don't obsess over it.
If you are able to find a balance in your life including your CDing, that will greatly enhance your quality of life...
Love,
Gaby
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DonnaT
- Miss Great Goddess
- Posts: 8222
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- Location: No. Virginia
Don't be afraid nor embarrassed when out.
There is no need to dress fully when out either. That is, I've gone out with only my nails painted, no comments, wearing perfume, no comments, wearing a fem top, no comments.
Note that for the most part, people are not out to get you, nor to draw attention to you. But if they do comment, and ridicule, ignor them, and don't feel embarrassed.
Showing any sign of shame makes others think or believe that there is something wrong with what you are doing.
There is no need to dress fully when out either. That is, I've gone out with only my nails painted, no comments, wearing perfume, no comments, wearing a fem top, no comments.
Note that for the most part, people are not out to get you, nor to draw attention to you. But if they do comment, and ridicule, ignor them, and don't feel embarrassed.
Showing any sign of shame makes others think or believe that there is something wrong with what you are doing.
DonnaT
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Eien
- Miss Crystal Goddess
- Posts: 22
- Joined: Tue Apr 05, 2005 4:11 pm
Agreed. The one time I did go out dressed (to a club with a cder friend) I got some very... interesting, not to mention crude comments passed my way. I told them to just grow up (from inside the cubicle) and was amazed when they actually did. It shifted the discomfort from me to them for saying such things in the first place.DonnaT wrote:Don't be afraid nor embarrassed when out.
Showing any sign of shame makes others think or believe that there is something wrong with what you are doing.
Of course then my friend came in (mutual moral support if nothing else) and we got the typical and innacurate gay joke, but at least that we could laugh about!
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Anita
- Miss Diamond Goddess
- Posts: 3068
- Joined: Mon Jan 05, 2004 2:55 pm
- Location: Burlingame, CA (San Francisco Bay area)
Hi Darlene--
To me, it seems important to find at least one aspect of CDing that's real and practical. It doesn't matter if it involves other people or not, but it needs to be something that satisfies the socialization that most of us got as boys.
We were taught that men always had a purpose for whatever they did. This "purpose" was also logical, and could be explained to anyone who questioned your right to do it. If a man did anything in the arts, it was suspicious, but if he could make money at it, then it was OK. (There was a purpose to it, then.)
CDing, especially at the beginning, is usually the total opposite of this. It can't be explained, it's not practical, and it goes against almost all that we boys were taught.
Most of us here don't want to give up our male lives completely. So making the best of CDing for me involves satisfying some of the male needs I still have, but doing so with a CD presentation. When I go to the hardware store or the grocery store as a woman, I'm giving a peace offering to the male side of me that still feels that if something is to be considered "real," then it needs to have practical value.
To me, it seems important to find at least one aspect of CDing that's real and practical. It doesn't matter if it involves other people or not, but it needs to be something that satisfies the socialization that most of us got as boys.
We were taught that men always had a purpose for whatever they did. This "purpose" was also logical, and could be explained to anyone who questioned your right to do it. If a man did anything in the arts, it was suspicious, but if he could make money at it, then it was OK. (There was a purpose to it, then.)
CDing, especially at the beginning, is usually the total opposite of this. It can't be explained, it's not practical, and it goes against almost all that we boys were taught.
Most of us here don't want to give up our male lives completely. So making the best of CDing for me involves satisfying some of the male needs I still have, but doing so with a CD presentation. When I go to the hardware store or the grocery store as a woman, I'm giving a peace offering to the male side of me that still feels that if something is to be considered "real," then it needs to have practical value.
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Absaroka
- Miss Diamond Goddess
- Posts: 3344
- Joined: Fri Feb 04, 2005 8:30 am
Hi Darlene,
Excellent topic which I think goes to the heart of the reason this forum was created in the first place, at least from what I read here from the older members.
Also great comments.
I can't add anything about CDing while out. I really liked what Anita said about what need does it fill for us. She has had some other posts about this which are great also. Also thougth the other posts were great.
To add my .02 I would say that what gets talked about here alot, self acceptance, is key. To that end, cding does not define me. Lots of things about me do not define me. My profession, my family, my appearance or health, my other issues. In fact I would go so far as to say that if we give any of these things the power to define who we are we are in serious trouble.
So what does define me? I have no idea how to explain that. But there is something there, the part of us that no other person can completely know. And that is who I must accept.
There are lots of cliches about this, my favorite being that God does not make S***. I am not trying to put any religious beliefs on anyone. But........what ever power that created the universe, a power that I believe to have some sort of purposeful awareness, when it was creating the universe, had the thought that this could lead to the existence of me. And it was happy about that. It felt the same way about you and about everyone else. One of my favorite images is actually from time spent in the desert. I imagine God planning all this out and thinking to him/herself something like "okay I'll make this planet that it's inhabitants will call Earth. On parts of this planet I won't have it rain much. Let's see I guess that means I'll have to create water and put it somewhere else........It will be a desert and I will make these prickly plant things that they will call cactus. And I will make the quality of the light at sunrise in a certain way. Hmm, I guess I'll have to create light......And oh boy will it be beautiful." And God figuratively rubbed His hands together just thinking about this nifty idea He had just come up with called a desert. Along with everything else of which we are an infinitesmally small part but that is okay because an infinite Being can manage to pay attention to everything.
Of course maybe you don't like deserts. Maybe you like waterfalls or mountains or coral reefs. The point is that the same infinite genius that came up with these things from nothing also thought of us and liked ith the idea.
So anyway, the Creator of the universe thinks that you were a really cool idea. Who is anyone here to disagree?
Hope this isn't getting too wierd and metaphysical. I would say that along with accpeting ourselves we need to accept others. Even though they really really upset us. Lots of posts here about intolerant jerks with agendas that seem to regard us as somehow less than. They are as human as we are.
Another concpet that I like although I can't figure out how to use it that well is Wu Wei which is the way of water. Water flows around everything, yields to everything, accepts everything. And in the end it has worn away all obstacles in it's path.
Andrea
Excellent topic which I think goes to the heart of the reason this forum was created in the first place, at least from what I read here from the older members.
Also great comments.
I can't add anything about CDing while out. I really liked what Anita said about what need does it fill for us. She has had some other posts about this which are great also. Also thougth the other posts were great.
To add my .02 I would say that what gets talked about here alot, self acceptance, is key. To that end, cding does not define me. Lots of things about me do not define me. My profession, my family, my appearance or health, my other issues. In fact I would go so far as to say that if we give any of these things the power to define who we are we are in serious trouble.
So what does define me? I have no idea how to explain that. But there is something there, the part of us that no other person can completely know. And that is who I must accept.
There are lots of cliches about this, my favorite being that God does not make S***. I am not trying to put any religious beliefs on anyone. But........what ever power that created the universe, a power that I believe to have some sort of purposeful awareness, when it was creating the universe, had the thought that this could lead to the existence of me. And it was happy about that. It felt the same way about you and about everyone else. One of my favorite images is actually from time spent in the desert. I imagine God planning all this out and thinking to him/herself something like "okay I'll make this planet that it's inhabitants will call Earth. On parts of this planet I won't have it rain much. Let's see I guess that means I'll have to create water and put it somewhere else........It will be a desert and I will make these prickly plant things that they will call cactus. And I will make the quality of the light at sunrise in a certain way. Hmm, I guess I'll have to create light......And oh boy will it be beautiful." And God figuratively rubbed His hands together just thinking about this nifty idea He had just come up with called a desert. Along with everything else of which we are an infinitesmally small part but that is okay because an infinite Being can manage to pay attention to everything.
Of course maybe you don't like deserts. Maybe you like waterfalls or mountains or coral reefs. The point is that the same infinite genius that came up with these things from nothing also thought of us and liked ith the idea.
So anyway, the Creator of the universe thinks that you were a really cool idea. Who is anyone here to disagree?
Hope this isn't getting too wierd and metaphysical. I would say that along with accpeting ourselves we need to accept others. Even though they really really upset us. Lots of posts here about intolerant jerks with agendas that seem to regard us as somehow less than. They are as human as we are.
Another concpet that I like although I can't figure out how to use it that well is Wu Wei which is the way of water. Water flows around everything, yields to everything, accepts everything. And in the end it has worn away all obstacles in it's path.
Andrea
everything under the sun is in tune
but the sun is eclipsed by the moon
but the sun is eclipsed by the moon
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Elizabeth
- Miss Ruby Goddess
- Posts: 1878
- Joined: Mon May 03, 2004 3:02 am
Hi girls,
For me, the most important thing that I ever did, was to accept myself. And I don't mean only crossdressing. I mean accepting that I am an inperfect human being, and forgiving myself for being inperfect.
By letting myself off the hook, I was able to let go of the guilt, shame, sefl-loathing, and negative self-image I had.
Start living for yourself. Allow yourself the right to be selfish. To ask "what are my needs?", and to fullfil those needs, whatever they may be. Get over the idea of living your life how others think you should. It most likely has not brought you any happiness so far.
And lastly, I agree with what my sisters before me have said. All very sage advice.
Love always,
Elizabeth
For me, the most important thing that I ever did, was to accept myself. And I don't mean only crossdressing. I mean accepting that I am an inperfect human being, and forgiving myself for being inperfect.
By letting myself off the hook, I was able to let go of the guilt, shame, sefl-loathing, and negative self-image I had.
Start living for yourself. Allow yourself the right to be selfish. To ask "what are my needs?", and to fullfil those needs, whatever they may be. Get over the idea of living your life how others think you should. It most likely has not brought you any happiness so far.
And lastly, I agree with what my sisters before me have said. All very sage advice.
Love always,
Elizabeth
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DonnaT
- Miss Great Goddess
- Posts: 8222
- Joined: Fri Sep 17, 2004 11:04 am
- Location: No. Virginia
I would like to add, Be Confident.
If you're out and about, and do not have that look of confidence on your face that says I belong, you'll get clocked more often than not. We can't fool all the people all the time, but being confident raises the percentages.
And plan for being clocked, by showing your confidence in how you respond to being clocked.
If you're out and about, and do not have that look of confidence on your face that says I belong, you'll get clocked more often than not. We can't fool all the people all the time, but being confident raises the percentages.
And plan for being clocked, by showing your confidence in how you respond to being clocked.
DonnaT
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Loretta Ann
- Permanently Banned
- Posts: 2199
- Joined: Tue Feb 24, 2004 11:30 pm
- Location: Vancouver, Canada
Hi all,
Thank you all for your contributions. There is a lot of very good information that you girls have provided here, and you really did not leave much that could be added to this, and I like that. There is nothing that you all have written that I don’t agree with.
Cross-dressing definitely has had an influence on my way of life. It has caused me to become free of any expectations of others. Having had to deal with what others want to think of me has helped me to understand that others have their own things about them that are not up to par in the eyes of others.
What I am saying here is that in order to accept cross-dressing as a part of who I am, I have had to get to a place where I have to be the one who chooses what is right for me period. And along with that I then need to be responsible (to myself) for those choices. And that has become a way of life for me, and I am not willing to return to living to the tune of others.
Love Darlene.
Thank you all for your contributions. There is a lot of very good information that you girls have provided here, and you really did not leave much that could be added to this, and I like that. There is nothing that you all have written that I don’t agree with.
Cross-dressing definitely has had an influence on my way of life. It has caused me to become free of any expectations of others. Having had to deal with what others want to think of me has helped me to understand that others have their own things about them that are not up to par in the eyes of others.
What I am saying here is that in order to accept cross-dressing as a part of who I am, I have had to get to a place where I have to be the one who chooses what is right for me period. And along with that I then need to be responsible (to myself) for those choices. And that has become a way of life for me, and I am not willing to return to living to the tune of others.
Love Darlene.