Sometimes it happens--getting laughed at

[Anita]

Hi All--
Being laughed at is not fun, and it hardly ever happens to me in my travels out and about. I get read, but I usually get treated with respect.

So last night I got laughed at twice, and I couldn't remember the last time it had happened. I didn't want to write about it--what's the point? I thought. It'll just make new girls think the world's out to make fun of us.

But I see that I don't want to sweep it under the rug, either. It's probably been three years since it happened to me. What if that had been my first outing? I'd think, "Oh, no, you go out, and people immediately laugh."

So I'm writing this as a glass-half-full kind of post. It happens. No, it doesn't have to happen often. It happened a few times when I first went out, and then it just didn't happen any more. I got a little better at presentation, but I also think I begin to pick up the confidence that we talk about on here. Donna T often mentions this in her posts, as does Rikki, among others.

Anyway--I had been planning to go to a book signing/author lecture at a church assembly hall in Berkeley. (The crowd was going to be too big for the bookstore.) It looked like I'd barely have time to make it there after work, and I didn't care for the rushed schedule. Afterward, I planned to meet the women in my support group when the meeting was done. They had all met "Mr. Anita" before, so it was no big deal.

But work came to a halt that morning--I ran across a problem that I couldn't fix until the next day. I had plenty of time for the meeting, so I suddenly saw that I would much rather go as Anita. So I got ready.

I had to transfer a piece of machinery to my business partner before the lecture, though. He and his girlfriend have come to shows, but neither had ever seen me outside that context. Rick was somewhat reserved, but his girlfriend had a ball. "Oh, I've got a pair of pants just like that," she said, pulling on the material.

She also has long hair, and noticed that mine was getting whipped around in the wind. "Gets in your lipstick," she said, with a big smile. "And your food," I said.

I waved good-bye and headed for the lecture. It was very near the U.C. campus--one block over from Telegraph Avenue, which is the main commercial strip for UC.

So I'm passing lots of college-age kids, as I get near the hall. We always warn each other about teen-agers, and college kids can be big teenagers.
I was dressed in pants and flats, with a blouse and jacket, so it wasn't like I pushing the envelope in any way. But I passed a car where a girl was loading boxes into the hatch-back, and she laughed as I was passing by her. I didn't turn my head, but it bothered me.

I went down on the strip, passed dozens of people, and browsed in a bookstore. Nothing happened at all. As soon as I was walking back toward the lecture, I passed three guys. I was looking into the sun, so I had a hand up to my face, and could barely see them. They passed me single-file, and then immediately I heard them laughing behind me.

I was trying not to let this affect me, but it was hard. I walked into the lecture wondering how I came across there--probably 250 people, from their 20s to their 60s. Lots of women, but I didn't feel the rapport with them that I usually do. I had been wounded, and I'm sure I'm came across as closed. I did love the lecture, though, and was also glad that I was meeting other TG girls afterward.

All three of them are on hormones, and two live fulltime. Those two almost never have passing problems any more. Lauren listened to my story, and said, "No matter how you slice it, that's got to hurt." and I said, Yes, it did, and we let it drop. I'm sure they each had their stories, too, but that wasn't what we wanted to talk about that night.

I still haven't worked out how I want to deal with laughter, since to me, it's complete disrespect. I'll acknowledge comments with some kind of snappy comeback, but I won't do that for laughter. I'm not sure what will work here.

Of course, I don't have to be Dr. Phil to know that boys in their early 20s have a great need to put down anything remotely threatening. Their sense of identity is just too vulnerable to take much strain. Especially if they have any fascination for the subject to begin with. We all know THAT story.

Point here is that there is life after laughter, and it is NOT a common experience out there, from what I can tell. This is based on my own experience, as well as other CDs that I've talked to or written to in the last five years. Go out in public if you want, and hold your head up high.

[Loretta Ann]

Hi Anita,

You are certainly smart enough to realize that their laughter is the result of their insecurity. You did not fit the picture in their minds that would enable them to be at ease with themselves. They felt threatened and the laughter is an attempt to pass it on to you.

To my way of thinking that is why it is so important that the cross-dresser’s confidence that is talked about here is so important. This is where your body language (and response) needs to be loud enough to let them know that their darts and daggers are useless.

Your post is a good post one that should help to prepare those who are not out there yet to be prepared for reality.

Blessings Sister,
Darlene.

[DonnaT]

I was laughed at once, so far. In a cracker barrel store. We were looking for a certain item, and my wife and I thought we'd pop in. I was wearing my new high heeled boots at home, in drab, and my wife said I could leave them on.

One of the male clerks behind the counter laughed at them when I had to reach up high for somethiong on a shelf, and pointed my boots out to a couple of other clerks. I wasn't paying attention at all, but it bothered my wife. She mentioned it to me, and I said "So, let 'em laugh." Like I say, it didn't bother me, but it did my wife.

I could have made an issue out of it with the manager, but my wife wanted to get what we were after and leave.

[Merinda]

Many years back I had my natural hair very long with a fringe cropped straight accross ( like a 3 year old girl after mums haircut attempt )

I boarded a crowded train and sat in a seat facing 2 teenage boys about 14 years old , they looked at me and smirked and giggled to themselves all the way to town.

It didn't really worry me because I was in man mode , ( if you could call it that ) .

I dont know how I would cope if some stranger started laughing when I'm fully dressed .

[Anne]

I have been thinking about acceptance & the future. It will come, be it 5 years or 50 when CD/TG people are not thought of as any different than anyone alse. Just how & when that will come to pass is a question.

Anne

[Anita]

Darlene, Donna, Merinda, Anne--
Thanks for the support; it means a lot. It's not like I want to warn people that this can happen; we all know that it can. I think that's it's more important to emphasize that no matter how long you've been doing this, it can still happen. And you just keep on doing what you're doing in spite of it.

Becoming proficient at something doesn't mean that you never feel doubt or get upset. It means that you learn many ways to keep going no matter what comes up.

Anne, your post was very brief and yet very powerful, for me. Thank you for reminding me of acceptance.

[Absaroka]

Hi Anita

Thanks for your topic, it is a good one.

Not going out en femme I can't relate to that part of your post. Being laughed at or verbally assaulted for other reasons is something I can readily relate to. Depending on the situation I either ignore them or respond with the finger or some other immature action. Once a very long time ago I assaulted someone. Ran after them, caught them, and knocked them flying, then walked away before too many bystanders appeeared. As wrong as I now know that was I still feel a certain amount of sick pride in it and wonder how many teeth the other person may have lost. But we can get arrested for this sort of behavior and it is just plain wrong anyway.

In general I am not a verbally facile person. So I think it is best to keep quiet because there are a couple of outcomes, especially with teenage boys. One is the verbal stuff escalates and I lose. The other is the verbal stuff escalates and I humiliate them and they must regain their honor. And I am outnumbered.

One of the best responses I have ever heard came one night as a bunch of us were driving in a car rather intoxicated. Except for one of us we were all white. One of the guys made a disparaging remark using the n word. Then he realized who else was in the car and launched into an embarrassing little diatribe about how he had said nothing wrong. The Black person waited a minute and when he was done embarrassing himself quietly said " Don't use words that perpetuate hate" That was it.

This person showed incredible self assurance and was non confrontive yet chose the absolutely most effective response. That type of thinking is my goal in such situations.

Andrea

[Sally]

Hi Anita,

I always experience a feeling of sadness after hearing of experiences such as this one you've just had. Although it's been a number of years since I've had such an experience I well know how it can hurt, but from what I know of you from our contacts over the years I'd surmise that you'd handle yourself in those situations as well as anyone and better than most.

I would agree with you from my experiences that the reactions you encountered are not the norm, as I've found the majority of people tend to shy away from people like us or at least give the polite impression they're not aware of who or what we are, but with young adults and teenagers it can often be a bit different witht heir reactions as they tend to feed off each other's presence and reactions.

I think with young people we have to accept the fact that they are still finding their way in life and coming to terms with growing up and all the requirements that involves. They haven't reached the stage in life where they have to accept reality, they tend to avoid coping with problems as they don't have the experience needed at their young age. They still haven't accepted themselves and all it entails so they can honestly self disclose or forgive others. They are very spontaneous with their ideas, feelings and actions. They still haven't learned to focus on problems outside themselves. They judge others on stereotypes, such as age, sex, gender, race, religion etc and haven't reached the age or gained the experience where they can look at people and accept them as individuals and all which that individuality entails.

I've spoken with a lot of young people, both individually and in groups, over the years regarding issues surrounding people like us, and I've found on average that young people are the most outspoken but also more readily able to accept us and come to terms with us than older people can. Once their fear of the unknown is overcome and they are educated about the realities I've found they often then want to genuinely learn more. Young people I find are hungry for information on most things in life but they just haven't learnt to trust and express their emotions or take control of their life as these things mostly come with lifes' experience.

I think those of us who are in the position and are prepared to face the world head on with who we are and what we do have to be prepared to display a certain amount of tolerance to the attitudes of some people, and I know you've developed this over the last four years or so, but having said that I am well aware that some things do still hurt and sometimes it takes every ounce of strength we can muster to just 'walk on by'.

I think also you are well aware that there are certain places we may go which will attract adverse reactions more readily than other places and this is something we have to prepare ourselves for so we can handle the situation in the best way possible with the least amount of angst.

I empathise with you in the experience but knowing the person you are I'm sure you conducted yourself with all the dignity and aplomb which makes you the person you are.

My Kindest Regards,

Sally..

[Kersten Lee]

Anita,

It happened to me once last summer. I have only been out dressed 6 or 8 times in the last year. When it happened it sure did hurt a part of me and my new found confidence. I did get over it.

Thanks for sharing.

Hugs,
Kersten

[Beauty]

Hi Anita,

What a real post. Thank you for sharing it with us. These kinds of posts are so important because they show the reality of our day to day lives in a way posts about our favorite clothing can never convey.

I'm so sorry it bothered you what they did and I would have felt the same way you felt. I think it's great you're so in touch with your feelings that you were able to share them with us. My respect for you is already incredibly high, this thread shows why I hold you in such a high regard. You live to be who you are, you accept changes, and you accept those who do not feel you are normal, but walk on. That's just 3 things and there are more, but those three are very important and I think they make up a big part of a beautiful soul.

Thank you so much for sharing what you wrote. I know I'm repeating myself, but I'm really humbled by what you've done. You are a great and wonderful person. They never should have laughed and I'm sorry they did. If they knew who you were and not only the way you presented yourself I'm sure all of them would offer you a very sincere apology.

Take care, k?

Beauty

[Sinjoy(SO)]

To Anita and all the other girls,

I feel so sad and angry when I hear these stories. I whis here was something I could do to take away the hurt and the pain and every other negitive feeling it must conjer up.

Always know that you are loved and any time you need one, I have a big hug and a shoulder for you.

I send all my love and happy thoughts,

Sinjoy(so)

[Lydia]

On being laughed at.

Hi Anita,

I deeply sympathize and understand your hurt at being ridiculed. Since I have not yet ventured very far afield dressed, this has not happened to me. But the fear of that is stronger than the fear of being clocked or recognized. Why is that?

When many of us look at ourselves in the mirror, we often see what we want to see - not reality. In fact the "guy in a dress" phenomenon is really funny. If you are lucky and skillful enough to pass as a woman, there is no problem, but that is not true for most of us, I daresay. Otherwise you appear as a joke or a caricature. The drag costumes of Milton Berle, Benny Hill, and the Monty Pythons, evoke universal laughter, and are meant to do so.

When I look at myself, dressed, I must admit that there is something inherently ridiculous, and therefore funny to see. I am not quite ugly enough to be grotescue, but some Milton Berle getups I remember were monsters. Perhaps it is better to be laughed at than sending children off screaming in fright. Certainly better than being physically attacked.

If we are laughed at when dressed in public, remember it goes with the territory, it's part of the scene. We shouldn't take ourselves too seriously, but stand back and laugh at ourselves. At least smile.

Finally, I admit I envy the courage of those of you who brave the "slings and arrows", and venture in public crossdressed.

Hugs,

Willy

[Anita]

Thanks again, everyone, for the wonderful responses. ( And I'll address each of the ones that came in after my last post further on down the page). I'm not going to let this get me down again. There will still be times to ignore this kind of behavior, but I'm going to be more confrontive in the future. Not angry so much as just, "alive," for want of a better word.


They don't see me as a person at the moment they're doing that, and I'm going to shock them by reminding them that I am a person, and probably not that much different than they are. So it has to have a "WAKE UP" effect on them. I'm trusting my instincts here, to be in the moment and not lose my focus.

This isn't something any of us necessarily have to deal with all the time, and that's good. I'm glad they woke ME up to the fact that I need to keep another set of "tools" around for swiftly dealing with it when it does happen.

Sometimes something as simple as turning and saying, "That hurt me," in a calm voice, will have a lot of impact. I have more than enough good experiences out in the world to draw on, so I don't need to get angry all the time. Sometimes I probably will, and that'll be OK, too. But I won't get foolish about it! I've been in enough violent situations to have a fine-tuning for when they're about to happen. I know when to let go of the live wire.

Andrea, your friend had great presence of mind. That's the kind of response I would hope to come up with--in the moment, and quietly assertive.

Sally, it's good to hear from you on this, and your thoughts are much appreciated. I like hearing about your speaking experiences, and I feel encouraged hearing about the young people you've encountered.

Kersten, I am so glad that you just "shook it off," and let the confidence come back. It lifted my spirits to read that.

Beauty, your post moved me a lot--thanks for the appreciation. I had to brush away a few tears before I could keep reading. I guess I'm taking your last lines to heart--that is,
"If they knew who you were and not only the way you presented yourself I'm sure all of them would offer you a sincere apology." I'm not looking for an apology, but I am going to let them know I'm a person next time, I hope.

Sinjoy, thank you for your love and support. It means much to me and all the others on here, too.

Willy, I do hear what you're saying, about not taking ourselves too seriously. I laugh sometimes when a stranger makes a really fun comment, or has a puzzled smile. I've had fun with that myself, and usually do some outrageous girlie thing that makes their smile bigger.

There's a cartoon character aspect to this, I'll grant you, especially at the beginning. It reminds me that I went through the same thing to become a rock guitarist.

When you're first bold enough to stand up and say, "I want to be THIS," and it's something other people think you can't or shouldn't be, they laugh. And they make fun--you and I have both seen skits on TV where some sitcom character tries to be a singer or a guitarist. It's a different form of drag, really, with its own set of clothes, and gestures, and attitudes. It's just like Milton Berle and Benny Hill--it's an easy laugh, to pretend to be a rock star.

Getting through the "cartoon" phase of what you want to be is not an easy journey!

[Jaye]

People have laughed at me all my life. When I was younger, it really hurt. Now, it only bothers me a little. Being able to laugh at yourself, to see the humor in your own situation, is something of a gift.

[Cathy L. Anderson]

Hi Anita,

I'm sorry you had an unpleasant experience. Concerning the issue of being laughed at, I think this is the solution, and the prevention. Some parts are more directly relevant than others, but I quote it in its entirety:

• Lord, make me an instrument of Your peace.
  Where there is hatred, let me sow love;
  where there is injury, pardon;
  where there is doubt, faith;
  where there is despair, hope;
  where there is darkness, light;
  and where there is sadness, joy.
  O, Divine Master,
  grant that I may not so much seek
  to be consoled as to console;
  to be understood as to understand;
  to be loved as to love;
  for it is in giving that we receive;
  it is in pardoning that we are pardoned;
  and it is in dying that we are born to eternal life

Cathy