Crossdressing without REALLY crossdressing...

[Nick]

I've always like the way that women who don't try to look "pretty", who just wear T-shirts and baggy jeans... Kind of the grunge chick look, y'know? Anywho, I had this cool idea to try when I was home on leave. I'm planning on going out dressed in my guy clothes, but with my "hair" tied back and enough make-up to "get by". I finally decided to slice all of my arm hair off, so I think that I should do well while I'm out. I might wear a feminine shirt, but I'm definately wearing my baggy jeans! It's going to be SOOO cool! I can't help but think that I probably would dress masculine if I were a woman.

That's actually one of the reasons that I stopped posting for so long... because of the fact that the level of femininity here is really high, and it made me feel a bit queasy, like I had to live up to a standard. When I thought that I might be TS, and I imagined myself as a woman, I didn't see myself as getting myself all dolled up with all kinds of make-up and wear all kinds of pretty dresses... I saw myself just going about my normal business of playing music, making weird comics with Transformers and SNES characters, and working at the local Wal-Mart making enough to satisfy and live within my means. Even then, I didn't see myself as feminine or masculine, and I don't now... hence the androgyny... I still sometimes want to be a woman, but I'm afraid of what it might cost me (not in monetary terms, but in emotional terms). Does anyone else here feel this way, or do you see your gender in more absolute terms?

[TamaraSegunda]

Dear Nick:

I can totally empathize. I first tried seriously cross-dressing as a very young teen (13-ish), and spent the next fifteen years or so intermittently violating various gender taboos, and then retreating into a painful swamp of guilt and shame. When I finally started growing up, and began to accept myself, I spent some time behaving like a complete idiot, alternately pretending to be little Shirley Temple, or Barbie, or Little Annie Fanny. I don't think I was really crazy; rather I think the super-girl act was likely a reaction to releasing years of artificial pressure on the psyche -- and I know that's a phenomenon that many here will recognize.

As I've passed into and through middle age (I was always a late bloomer), I've determined that, for me, an integrated personality requires that I internalize -- and externalize -- both my masculine and feminine gender impulses. And while I certainly still enjoy the trappings (playing with clothes, hair, makeup and the rest), I find that the feminine me can express herself just as well no matter what I'm wearing. I think it's cool that you seem to have learned this at a much earlier age, when you can still enjoy the euphoria that comes with just being you -- all the time. Best wishes.
.......Tamara Segunda

[Loretta Ann]

Hey there Nick,

I think it should have more do with being who one is, as opposed to attempting to live up to others expectations, regardless of who they might be. I think it means being true to yourself.

However living as who one is means different things to different folk. And I encourage you to continue to be who you are, and share that experience with us.

Love Darlene.

[Eien]

I'm exactly the same way about my own choice of clothing Nick. As a man I'm neither masculine nor camp, and if I were a woman I certainly wouldn't be a particularly effeminate one. Absolutes of any kind make me uneasy, hence why I live the highly sheltered life that I do. People never stop with them. Darlene's advice is the best there is in my opinion. I'm not even an individualist, I'm a 'me-ist' if that makes sense, doing what I do regardless of how popular, unpopular or whatever it may be.

For me dressing is limited to re-styled long hair (I've had it since early teens and hate my early recession), a bra and my normal casual clothes, just a bit tighter up top. I'll probably get a skirt or two and some female cut jeans in the future, but that's hardly necessary for me actually. I don't even do makeup (mainly because my complexion's bad enough as it is without all that to aggravate it). Anything more would be under duress from my friends should they drag me out (no pun intended) somewhere that can deal with such things.

It's good to hear from you about this, and you're not alone in your more androgynous transvestisms.

[Absaroka]

It all makes perfect sense to me.................

Andrea