Merging identities.

[CJ]

Hi all,

A strange thing happened last Friday. I got a phone call from one of my colleagues. We talked shop for a few minutes and then he told me he wanted to apologize to me for a comment he made the previous day during our staff meeting.

At some point during the meeting, I told my colleagues that I was having lunch the previous Sunday at the restaurant across from where I live when one of my clients walked in, surprising the heck out of me. My colleague immediately blurted out, "Did she walk in on you or on 'Christina'?" "Hell, yes! On me, on me, not on 'Christina'!!!" We all had a good laugh.

Well, the following day, on the phone, he told me he wanted to apologize for making me feel uncomfortable. "Uncomfortable? How so?" I asked him. "I wasn't uncomfortable." "Well," he said, "I realize that you and 'Christina' aren't two different people... that you're the same person... and I didn't mean to imply, by my question, that I thought otherwise."

I was flabbergasted. I reassured him that, no, absolutely no offense was taken, for one thing, and that, moreover, I understand that this whole question of "split" identities is hard enough to grasp for crossdressers so I can only imagine how tough it can be for a non-crossdresser to wrap his own brain around it.

This little episode made me realize, though, just how much my own "split" identities were beginning to merge. That a colleague would say that he's explicitly referring to the same person when talking about both me and 'Christina' just highlighted this fact.

More and more, over the past year and a half or so, in my dealings with people I've generally either not tried to hide the fact that I'm a crossdresser or have plainly mentioned as much (even if only in passing). Although I'm not "out there," in the sense of being, say, a TG'd "Klub Kid" or a "politicized dragster" in full regalia, my dealings with others as Daniel have increasingly become more authentic the more I've stopped trying to hide the fact that Daniel (me) is also Christina (me, as well).

I know there are some folks here who work hard at separating the two sides of their being, the two facets of their personality; so much so, in fact, that they refer to their femme selves in the third person. What I'm wondering right now is just how unusual is this path I'm on? Is the gradual merging of my (previously) "split" identities a function of my being more open and truthful about who I am? or is this an inevitable development, given the basic makeup of my personality? It seems to me that, the more I'm out of the closet (again, not en femme, partying in some TG-friendly club, but as my male self), the more the line is blurring between my "Danielness" and my "Christinaness," between the 'me' that people think they know and the 'me' they really know. It's a heady feeling... comforting and disquieting at the same time.

Anybody else gone (or going) through this?

Love,
CJ

[DonnaT]

My first thought as I was reading through this was it is a function of your being more open and truthful about who you are. You have even been Christina when interacting with colleagues at a work social or two.

That was a pretty big step, and now everyone accepts the whole you, including you, since you've found out that your friends and colleagues accept Christina.



I've been comfortable as one person for quite a while, and I would like to be as open as you have been, but my wife clearly isn't ready for that, letting other people in. One day we went to the mall and I was going to meet a t-girl from another forum there, both of in drab, just to meet in RL instead of online.

My wife just was not comfortable with anyone else knowing she's married to a CD, even if the other person is a CD.

She even finds it daring on my part to wear the necklass she gave me for my birthday, or my new glasses, in public. Gee, guys wear necklasses all the time, and I really like it

[Allena]

First off, I think that was a very nice thing for your colleague to do. I'm not sure how he has treated you before, but this sounds encouraging!

I applaud your ability to assimilate both parts of you.

In my recent personal journey, I too have realized that both parts are what make me Allen.
This is one of the reasons I have yet to take on a femme name.

When my wife and I discuss my crossdressing and the path I may be heading down (or up! ), I have told her repeatedly that I do not see myself changing into someone else.

We have had discussions about whether I wish to have SRS.
Inside, I do, but I understand that the intensity of my feelings towards my femme self have 'boiled over' because of my little secret finally being out to her.
When we discuss the possibility of me having body-changing surgery or even just trying female hormones, I find that I'm still thinking of myself as Allen.
I just can't see myself as a 'different' person when I dress, or when I imagine myself changing my body.
It's all one person...the person who was born Allen.

I believe that is part of what makes all this being a CDer so hard; I see myself no differently, and it's frustrating to think that no one else can see it that way too.
When the CD issue is brought up, I get the feeling that non-crossdressers see the crossdresser as somehow 'changing'.
While that may be true for some, it's not for me.

I have to say CJ, your post makes me wonder...how would I feel meeting Christine? vs How would I feel meeting Daniel?
Would it be the same feelings for either side of you, especially since the 'sides' seem to be coalescing?

Thanks!

[Beauty]

Hi CJ,

I've really been merging the two sides of myself together too. A lot of them aren't on purpose. It's just happening more and more. It's not so much the dressing/clothing only anymore, it's the way I am.

I don't have facial hair anymore/shave, so part of my femme needs are met there. The t-blocker has my testosterone levels where I'm comfy. My face is softer looking, the manly shapes are softening, my skin is way softer, my body smell is different, and hair on my arms and legs is lighter/softer. So a femme need is met there. I no longer wear male undies anymore to work or anything else. It was only a year or so ago when I never thought that could happen. Those were separate now they are merging. Hose with french cut undies were my only femme under clothing and those were usually worn occasionally to work and were pretty much always worn when I dressed. That separation is gone. At home I dress down in femme casual wear, so my dressing femme needs are met there.

My legs are always shaved now and I wear shorts. That's another example of how I'm blending the two together. Showing bare legs before was only something my femme side could do in public. This is also another sign of merging.

Another example of how I don't care anymore about people going, "hmmm? that's not too masculine" is something as simple as the way I cross my legs at work. Before I'd be so afraid to show anything slightly feminine that crossing my legs any way other than the way my dad does was way out of bounds. Now I'm like "whatever". The act of crossing my legs has less to do with me expressing my femme side, but it does have to do with me being who I am and not caring as much as I did about people saying things.

At work I don't hold back expressing myself as a person who makes decisions based on not only things that "only" sound logical or if it was my idea or not. I do my best to be like females who are my colleagues or females in high ranking positions that are my mentors, instead of only male mentors like I had before. I was never really a person who was very strong minded when it came to marking territory, but I wouldn't necessarily feel as free to make decisions like my female colleagues and mentors because of what people may say. These days I use many things to make decisions based on what ever fits for that decision. I do think there are lot of things in business and in life that can't be considered exclusively feminine or masculine because both sexes do them. I will say that things such as intuition, reading people, feeling a room out, or making decisions based on how it could affect the emotions of people are 9 out of 10 times done more by my female mentors and colleagues than the my male colleagues and mentors. Ok, I'll turn this back to me again. These actions I take now help both sides, femme and masculine, stay balanced with each other, but only because now I'm not afraid to express something that's from a femme gender. Before it was a male only world in my 9 to 5. Yes I do get told a lot, "You're like my wife" but that's a compliment. Especially when they say that after reversing a decision because I got them to think about what affect their proposed action would have.

I kind of feel like the steps you've taken CJ are similar, as far as the feelings you're expressing, to what I'm going through. I feel really good about the blending that's being done in my life. I wish I could show more of my femme side at work, but I think I'm pushing the envelope pretty far right now in my own mind so I'm rather content.

Thanks for the excellent thread topic.

Beauty

[Virginia]

CJ,
I guess I am making inroads with my philosophy that indeed we may be the next phase in human evolution! We do not understand it ourselves, but we are seeking the answers and that is a BIG BIG step. Jung talks about paralleling and intergrating the anima and the question begs an answer that we just don't have! Are we a split personality, who contols the desire to allow the feminine side exposure? Which of our sisters ah!Ahzz said that the feminine side is actually in control it (like in life) only lets the male side think it has some control! Could be!!!!??? I, like you and some of our other sisters who seem furthur along the scale, if you will, that is beyond the actual need to wear the clothes, but seek answers to the why and seek understanding of the thought processes of the feminine mistique want acceptance, but yet when we can not understand the GIFT we have we become even more enlightened in knowing that those that we share our gift with can not "get their minds around" where we are coming from.
I hope that we never loose our desire for the search for the answers. May not come in our lifetime, but we are the pioneers and subjects like this and Elizabeth's "Bounderies" can only help those of our sisters who follow to be able to better understand the whys and wherefores as opposed to having to worry about the acceptance issues.
For me/Virginia, we continually think about it, not to the exclusion of our happiness but the thought process is necessary to understand and share our feeling, hopes and desires. And who knows maybe one of our sisters, even here on this forum my come up with answers that help explain our Gift and that would be wondeful!
Love,
Virginia

[Elizabeth]

Hi CJ,

If indeed we do merge our personalities or at least our personna's, I have gone far in this regard. My kids and Raven all agree that I am only one person now, and I am the same all the time, with the possible exception that on the rare occasions I am dressed in boys clothes, Raven says I look sad to her.

I am not so sure merging is what happens though. I think what happened to me is that I cast off my fake personna's. I had a male persnna that I used most of my life to emulate being male. I was able to cast it away because I no longer need it. I don't work, and I have an accepting wife and children.

I feel like me now. And accorording to my children I am the person they have always known, except not angry. They agree that talking to me now is just like it has always been. I beleive this is because I have always been myself with my children, minus the clothes.

After reading CJ's post it immediately made me think that she feels this merging because she is losing her need for her fake personna. The one that pretends she is the classic male and feels no feminine things at all. Granted this is just a speculation on my part and I may be way off base here, but since the more "out" she feels, the more she feels like one person, I beleive what she is actually seeing is herself casting away the parts of her personna she no longer needs.

It's just my theory, but I was tipped off early on when Beauty told me I was only one person.

Beauty wrote:

Get this. You are one person. There aren't two sides of you. You're living with two arms and you're telling yourself if you use your other arm you are an evil person. Where's the logic in that young one?

Once I took the presumption that I was actually one person, I was able to figure out that what I had was a personna, and I just cast it away and started being me all the time. This is what led me to where I am.

I clearly understand that becasuse I don't work it affords me a luxery that is not afforded to others, and indeed if I should have to return to work, I am sure i may find a need for my other personna again, but I hope not.

I have reached a very nice internal peace by not caring what others think and just bering me. I know this is not for everyone and it does tend to isolate me as many people just can't stand the pressure of being associated with a crossdresser. But I have always been a loner anyway and I have Raven (my new wife), my children, my best friend who all accept me as I am.

Love always,
Elizabeth

[Beauty]

Hi Elizabeth,

I'm with the kids and Raven. I think you're great this way. You seem very focused, content, open, honest, and loving. I'm not saying you weren't all of these before. I'm just saying I notice a difference even on the forum.

My bottom lick stuck out a bit when I read you look sad when you wear guy clothes.

Thank you for showing us the you we all knew was there all along. You're beautiful.

Beauty

[Loretta Ann]

Hi all,

I have never seen myself as anything other than being one person. I have a hard time trying to understand what others were talking about by two different personas emerging.

I think Elizabeth’s words here have helped me understand it better. The way I see it is that until we accept who we really are we tend to over compensate. Perhaps that over compensation has created another personality that doesn’t fit the package. The more I am able to dispose of the fake persona (the extra baggage) the more the real me is able to emerge. Or in other words the more I become like the person I was created or born to be.

And this does not just apply to cross dressers. I have seen it in some of the SOs that have been here. Any time one takes or assumes the position that another should behave in a certain way; is IMO extra baggage. And yes boundaries are a part of that.

Elizabeth I missed you when you were not posting. You are a very important part of this forum being what it is. I am glad to see that you are active again. Thank you.

Love Darlene.

[CJ]

Hi all,

Wow! More grist for the mill. Yay! Your replies are awesome! Thanks, folks.

Allen,

I'm one person... always have been, always will be. I don't think it would make a difference if you met me as Christina or as Daniel. I'm a pleasant person either way. I'll admit not having much experience meeting other people while I'm en femme. This is why, as I was telling Beauty a few days ago, I think I'd feel much more comfortable going to an eventual first-time rendez-vous with a forum sister as Daniel. In my dealings with other people (when I'm presenting as Christina), I've noticed that I always feel the same, equal to myself, so to speak. Oddly (or maybe not, eh?), it's other people who seem to somehow change. Their behaviour is different toward me even though, aside from how I look, I don't do anything different.

Beauty,

I think, I believe, there's an uncanny parallel between us. We seem to be going through something similar. Although I've done nothing to alter my body (aside from some scary waxing, regular "body-shaving," and half-hearted plucking and tweezing), I feel as though I'm "flowering," in some way, opening up, and, as you yourself said, not really caring what others think. This is still new to me, this feeling. I'm becoming more adventurous (and, yes, plucky! ), the more I see that my being open and honest about who I am doesn't bring the sky crashing down on my head. When I say "adventurous," I don't necessarily mean as 'Christina.' No, just in my regular boy mode guise (a guise that's looking decidedly less "boy" than it did even a year ago). Gone are the beard and mustache and sideburns and body hair and über-masculine clothes. In other words, gone is the urge to over-compensate. And a funny thing happened on the way to that place: my urge to crossdress has also diminished. I haven't done so in over five months now (although that might change next week when there's a possibility I might put in an appearance as Christina at the annual staff "Baseball BBQ"--I'm still trying to iron out the details).

So, you wear shorts now, too? This is something I want to start doing this summer, as well. Heck, people know I shave my body (including my clients) so there's not much point in hiding my gams, is there? I admire you for having taken the steps you did, Beauty. Maybe we can be each other's heroes? And, of course, Elizabeth, too.

Elizabeth,

Your post really did "wow" me. I totally agree with your view that, as I slough off whatever it is that's "fake" about my male persona, my true self starts shining through. That "true self" is not 'Christina.' But neither is it just 'Daniel.' My true self is a cocktail that just wouldn't taste as good if either of the ingredients that are 'Daniel' and 'Christina' were missing from the mix. Again, your insight dazzles. Thanks for just being who you are and for being willing to make your own journey so publicly. It's helped me, as I'm sure it's helped many others, also. Like Darlene, I'm glad you're here a little more often now.

Love,
CJ

[CJ]

Hi all,

As a post-script to my post above:

Elizabeth's own situation got me thinking. If, as is the case with Elizabeth, you didn't have to (or couldn't) work, would you crossdress (or even present more androgynously, as does Elizabeth) more often? In other words, is the fact that you're bound by the requirements of the workplace (dress code, behaviour, etc.) preventing you from sharing with the world the beauty of who you are?

Love,
CJ

[Allena]

At this point in my life, I have a job where I tell them what and when I will work.
Strange!
My wife is the main financial support.
The different manners and places where I restrict my style of dressing have little to do with work.
This has been so all my adult life...well, except maybe for the Army when I was living in the barracks.

The influences that I allow to scare me into hiding my feminine side largely come from within my own home and out in my local community.

My wife and I are still trying to work out our comfort levels with me dressing in femme clothing at home.
Outside of home, my fear of acceptance and possible negative reactions from my community keep me from going 'all out'.

Still, I have found that I can wear articles of feminine clothing while out in public and feel perfectly at ease in them. In fact, there's times when I'm at work or out on the town and remember what I'm wearing and I get a bit of a thrill sensation.
Not necessarily from any risque aspect about it, but often from the comforting fact that I'm being bold enough to do what makes me feel good!

I'm being who I believe I am meant to be, although somewhat reserved.

[CJ]

Your "fear of acceptance," Allen? Do you have a fear of acceptance? The reason I ask is because I know there is such a thing. I used to have it. I was timid about my true self because, what if, oh Lordy Lordy, people should actually accept me as I am? To me, that meant that I would have to accept myself as well. And that was just more work than I was prepared (or had the energy) to do.

Love,
CJ

[Beauty]

Hi CJ,

Thanks for your reply. I believe the same thing and you are a hero to me, as are Elizabeth, Rikki, and others here who wear their gender outside our homes. (This doesn't mean we're better in any regard what so ever-- Just had to clear that up) as we venture out into the world in different ways, but still with one unique characteristic that most people don't have. We're all TG'd.



I think you and I are closer to coming out in our ways than Lorna, Rikki, and Elizabeth for example because we have unique parallels that are happening at the same time, but having guides is a good thing.

I hope to one day pluck my eyebrows, or get earrings, or wear more androgynous clothing into the office, but I'll have to wait and see how that goes. It's so odd that I'm doing other things that are drastic, but I'm afraid to do things that even hetero guys do, ya' know?

Beauty

[DonnaT]

Hi all,

As a post-script to my post above:

Elizabeth's own situation got me thinking. If, as is the case with Elizabeth, you didn't have to (or couldn't) work, would you crossdress (or even present more androgynously, as does Elizabeth) more often? In other words, is the fact that you're bound by the requirements of the workplace (dress code, behaviour, etc.) preventing you from sharing with the world the beauty of who you are?

Love,
CJ

If I didn't have to work, and if my wife let me, I reckon I would CD more outside the home. And I really wouldn't care if I did have to work, I just care about what my wife can handle.

[Kersten Lee]

Hi,

I have talked about this with my therapist. For the last year, I have more and more became more integrated, clothes and persona. She said that it is well documented that it is fine that some individuals see themselves and talk about their female persona in the third person. We all are similar and yet individuals. I was always torn between two sides that are me. For me, I needed to be ok just being.

Yes, I would dress more if not for work, and yes my wife's feelings do inhibit me to a degree. If I were not working, I would probably have more friction with my wife in my expression of how I see myself.

Hugs,
Kersten