Femme Names

[Kay(SO)]

Hi there. As usual my brain is going round and round and I have a question on a topic that I'm trying to understand. Most of you who have read my posts know that I am a loving, accepting, supportive wife. I just need to understand better and the way I've learned to do that is to ask for a variety of opinions. Here goes: Why is it that CD'rs on the lists or sites identify theirselves by femme names. I'm thinking that you're not sitting at the computer each time you're here, dressed en femme yet you want to be called your femme name. I don't understand it. What's wrong with being known as your male or bio name? Is it that it is one of the few places you can be identified en femme without question or judgement? Does this help to confirm acceptance in your minds? Help me to better understand please. I think part of my conflict lies in the fact that those I'm really referring to are heterosexual males and it confuses me the need to use a female name. Also the reference "girls" when addressing each other online. I can't figure out why that one bugs me but I'm trying. As a GG it gets under my skin and makes me feel uncomfortable. I'm processing that one and it may take awhile. I can't seem to call my husband "her", even when dressed. He's not a her, he's him. I asked him about his opinion to all of this and he said he can't relate because he doesn't want to be identified as a "her" and has no femme name. He did say that he feels it's related to the "passing" element of dressing. Anyway, all input is appreciated. I'm not trying to offend anyone just trying to understand. I know other SO's want to know and are afraid to ask. Not me, I have to ask or I'll never know. That's not okay for me.
Kay(SO)

[Alexandra]

Kay: Why is it that CD'rs on the lists or sites identify theirselves by femme names.

Me: because for one thing, we wouldn't be using our real names as a username most places on the web. We're here because we ARE "girls" so why not?

Kay: I'm thinking that you're not sitting at the computer each time you're here dressed en femme.

Me: You'd be surprised. Many members here have fested up to doing just that.

Kay: Does this [using femme names] help to confirm acceptance in your minds?

Me: Many of us have already accepted who we are, so its more of a matter of can you? You don't have to -- its your choice. But it would be nice if you would.

Kay: Also the reference "girls" when addressing each other online. I can't figure out why that one bugs me but I'm trying.

Me: Many of us are "girls" offline too. We go through our whole life thinking that way but because of the way society is, many of us keep these thoughts closeted.

Kay: I can't seem to call my husband "her", even when dressed.

Me: You don't have to. I'm sure most CD/t-girls' SOs use "him" too.


Kay, I'm sure I didn't address everything, but its a start. Anybody else want to add their 2 cents?

[Kay(SO)]

Now I'm more confused than ever. Here's what I don't understand.
You wrote: We're here because we ARE "girls" so why not?

But you're NOT "girls". Maybe I'm having difficulty with this part because my husband doesn't identify himself as a "girl". He identifies himself as a heterosexual crossdresser and a man. Even when dressed, he doesn't identify himself to me as a "girl." He once told me that the ultimate goal was to pass as a woman/girl when dressing. He also said that he knows he never will because of his many masculine features.

You also wrote: Many of us have already accepted who we are, so its more of a matter of can you? You don't have to -- its your choice. But it would be nice if you would.

My husband accepts who he is and so do I. He is what I stated above. Now are you saying that I need to accept him and all crossdresser's as "girls?" As I stated before, I am supportive, compassionate, dress with him and go out, put on his make up, buy him wigs and clothes, etc... but part of why I'm able to do all of these things is because I know underneath it all, he is still my man. My heterosexual crossdressing man but still my man just the same. We play like "girlfriends" at a slumber party when getting ready to go out but I don't see him as a girlfriend. I see him as my best friend and husband. Is this wrong of me? Help! I guess the other part I'm struggling with is that if someone were to identify themselves to me as TS, I wouldn't have a problem identifying them as a "girl". Because I would know that's how they see themselves and how they feel about themselves. My husband doesn't. Or so he tells me. He said that having a femme name doesn't mean anything to him. Arg! I need to get more input please.
Kay(SO)

[Jessie]

To: KAY

Here is what I understand and I may not be that much help. However here it goes. For my self I do not idnetify myself as a girl all the time but online it kind fun having anouther identy. The idea about calling all those online girls for these type of area has come to my reasoning that staying with one gender, that being GIRL, will not upset those who are here as I can see. CONFUSING IS'N IT

Any how this is just one idea and I am not sure that it is even helpful. As to why I in particulare use the fem version of my name is do to the fact that I get mail sent to me with my name spelled that way. And when I talk on the phone I have had a lot more than I would like call me ma'am or miss.

I do not know if this helps at all but I want to try and help.

Jessie

[Alexandra]

Kay,

I agree that calling YOUR husband a "her" would be among the most difficult things for a SO to have to do. Since your husband has not asked you to call him a "her" (and may never will) then there is no need to worry about that aspect.

Yes, we are genetically males, but many here are "girls" to one degree or another. You may find some CDs that don't think they're a "girl" at all, which is fine, but somehow addressing them as "brothers" in a forum like this doesn't quite work. Then there are some as Jessie pointed out, who find it acceptable (and fun ) to be called girls as it adds to a more positive CD experience. Then, of course, there are those of us who are girls way beyond just "crossdressing" and "talking about it" in forums -- it is part of our daily life.

In any case, I believe it is more appropriate to address us as "girls", "her" and "sisters" in forums like this on the net (as well as many venues off the net) than "boys", "him" and "brothers".

Besides, if you came up to me in the street and asked for directions, you'd probably start out with "ma'am . . ." without giving it a second thought. Why not here?

Anybody else want to add their perspective on this?

[Shannon]

Kay,

I will give my two cents on the "femm name" issue. I really never had a desire to have one. When I joined Tri-Ess about 6 months ago they made it very clear that I had to have one. I could not participate in the email forum with out one, could not complete my application to the national organization and could not participate in local chapter meetings.... and to be honest this kind of irritatd me :x

So after a lot of thinking and searching and arguing with Sharon(SO) we decided on Shannon..... I don't know why we settled on that one.... it holds absolutely no personal meaning for me.... and to be honest I wish I picked one that was not so similar to my wife's name.... that gets confusing. :-s

Like you husband I do not think of myself as a girl (dressed or not).... But if I didn't use a "femm name" here I would not use my real name either... There is emough information about me in this website and with my name somebody who knew me could figure it out... and I really don't care for that to happen...

But many of the girls here definately feel feminine and to that fact do not want to be referred to as Chuck, or Bob or whatever the case may be.... and I respect that as I am sure you do....

Plus in general, what is in a name? It is just a collection of letters that identify us..... it does not make us who we are or define our sex... Many of us here are lucky that we can pick a name that fits our feelings about our selves

Okay, I am rambling again... I hope I help atleast a little....

[Jadeanne]

Kay,

Here is my view on the femme name matter:

I started the thread in the Fun Stuff section on choosing of femme names.

I chose to use one on this and several other 'net forums, to fit in with the majority of the participants.

I only dress when I'm home and use my chosen femme name pretty much online only.

My wife is supportive - I dress in front of her without objections and we share most clothing except shoes. Even when I'm dressed, I'm still her husband and she refers to me as such. That works for us.

Other people are in different situations, so I hope this helps and doesn't confuse you.

Jadeanne

[Kay(SO)]

Thanks to everyone who gave me input on this oh so confusing topic. I do have a better understanding of it all now and feel comfortable with where it all ended up. Getting a variety of information helped me to sort out my feelings and how this all applies in my own relationship. I do so appreciate everyone taking the time to help.
Kay(SO)

[CJ]

Hi Kay,

I absolutely understand your confusion. We are, underneath all the silk and lace, heterosexual men (well, many of us anyway). That much is clear and uncontested. So what's with the femme names? I think it may have to do with making our femme selves more real. (See my recent post in your topic about the need to be seen.) When we dress up, we don't just slip into a dress, we also slip into a persona. It's a role we take on, much like we would in a play. (In Shakespeare's time, women's roles were actually played by men--imagine now referring to Ophelia as Ralph or to Desdemona as Desmond!)

Plus, we all take on such roles--even you, Kay. ("All the world's a stage and we are merely but players on't" and all that.) You are a woman, a daughter, a wife, perhaps a mother, a sister, a colleague, or a dear, dear friend to other people. These are social roles. They don't (and can't) exclusively define who you are. In the same way, Christina is merely another role I take on and, as such, I want it to be as complete as possible by giving myself--and by having others call me by--the femme name I chose for that role. My male self is still the "actor," so to speak (as is your wonderful husband); I don't disappear when I become Christina--"she" is just something "added" to my repertoire of possible social roles. I never confuse the role and the person who plays it.

You may ask yourself why we take on such femme roles. There is no easy answer to that (any crossdresser will confirm this) or, again, there are as many answers as there are men who "play dress up." In my own case, doing so seems to fulfill some deep-seated emotional and psychological need that I'm just now, at age 42, starting to examine more closely. Your husband may do so for similar reasons but handle it differently, given the fact that he doesn't feel it's necessary to adopt a femme name.

Anyway, Kay, again, you've created a fascinating and somewhat troubling topic here. Kudos! I hope the answers you find here will help you better cope with your hubby's crossdressing.

Love,
CJ

[Kay(SO)]

CJ,
Again, your wisdom is illuminating. You may not know me so I'll share with you that I am not struggling with accepting or understanding my husband's crossdressing. I have been accepting and supportive for the past few years. He was kind enough to tell me before we ever dated and I subsequently made the choice to marry him. It's other's that I'm trying to understand in this world of CDing. There are issues that come about from time to time with him that get on my nerves and I need support with but for the most part we have fun. I do his makeup, choose his outfits and also "play" a role and go out with him to clubs. He seems to be in a different place than some CD'rs and I guess I've just been trying to understand some of the things that seem to be important to other's so that I can understand why they may not be important to him. We have a loving, communicative relationship. I just like to see what other's think. Thanks again for the input and for sharing of yourself.
Kay(SO)

[CJ]

Hi Kay,

>I have been accepting and supportive for the past few years. He was kind enough to tell me before we ever dated and I subsequently made the choice to marry him.<

I admire you. It takes a deep love and a strong committment (not to mention much courage) to partner up with someone you know is a crossdresser.

>He seems to be in a different place than some CD'rs and I guess I've just been trying to understand some of the things that seem to be important to others so that I can understand why they may not be important to him. <

Your quest for understanding and openness to other's experiences are a blessing, Kay. Hold on to that. In the end, both you and your husband are made richer for it.

>We have a loving, communicative relationship.< Really, that's all that matters, isn't it? And, if you can have fun while doing so, so much the better!

Love,
CJ

[Gaven McLaren]

Hello Kay,

I am going to basicly repete myself from my post else where on this forum. I do not have or use a fem name as I do not choose to use one as I am male and happy to be one. The name I use online is that which I use at Ren Faires. It is not that I do not want to use my birth name though for safety reasons I do not. I feel that Gaven MacLaren is a past life that I have tapped in to a little better then most people. Which may explain why I spell it with the more traditional Gaelic spelling. I hope I did not further confuse you. If I did I am sorry.

[RikkiOfLA]

Why a femme name? For me, the real answer seems to be that it is who I am, or at least who I prefer to be. I live as Rikki full-time, and have for the past 5 years. And frankly, I love it! It isn't just the clothes for me. It is the whole identity as a woman. I come alive this way--I'm more creative, more compassionate, happier, more balanced, more energetic and hopeful. My life is broader.

Does that make me a transsexual? No. I have no need to have surgery or take hormones to be myself. Being me is just something that I am, same as most people. And I don't hate or even dislike any part of my body. I don't hate being male. I still do all the good things that I did when I was living as a man. I just do more now. My male side is a welcome part of my whole being, just as any "together" woman would integrate her male side into herself.

So for me, Rikki really is who I am.

[CJ]

Hi Rikki,

All the more power to you, girl! You rock!!

Love,
CJ

[Charlene]

I used a femme name because I thought that's what was expected, similar to GG's using the SO after their name. I only go by the name Charlene here.