Did I say too much to my freind? Advice needed!!!

[Sheena]

I may have a problem and I may not. I'm not sure to feel paranoid on this subject or not, but here goes......Back in Feb. I was over at a close girlfreinds place and we were pretty drunk. Her fiancee had went to bed and her and I were sitting on the couch. I Cant remember the words I said, but we were talking about things we would'nt regularly talk about. It was at this time that I told her I was a crossdresser. She was blown away, but took it very well, and was very accepting. She asked me if I was gay and I said 'I was'nt sure", she was a little dumbfounded at my reply so I told her I had had brushes with the same sex but enjoyed my experiences. That night when I was about to go home I was shaking alot and started crying because of what I said. She hugged and kissed me and told me she was very grateful to have me as a freind and thanked me for telling her my confession.
Now, its the end of June, and the last 2 times I've seen her, she seems to be ignoring me, she gives me a little smile, a wave, then sits with someone else or just leaves the pub. Is it just me or am I losing her? Did I really flip her out that night and make her think twice about what I said? I love this girl, shes one of my closest freinds and i Dont know how to aproach her about this. I need help?

[Beauty]

Hi Sheena,

I have no real clue about if she's weirded out by what you told her or not, other than what you have said. Based on what you have said, yes she does seem to be freaked out by it.

One thing that we all learn is when we tell someone about ourselves we have to do maintenance on that relationship. We can't just take it for granted that they'll think about us the same way because they won't. How could they, if you really think about it.

I wouldn't approach her physically, but I would phone her or send her e-mail. I'm pretty sure she told her bo'. So he may be the one who said something and for all we know she's trying not to start anything between you and him.

Regardless, after you tell someone this about you and they are that close, it's up to you to maintain the friendship. Only as far as, "Hey.. I'm still the same person." I didn't mean you have to be the person to keep the friendship together. That's not up to you. That's when friendship becomes a two way street.

How long were you friends before you told her? Do you know how she feels about gay people? I'm not saying you're gay, but if she has feelings about gay people that aren't too positive then maybe that could be it? Guessing is a very damaging, unhealthy, and dangerous game. That's why I recommend, "Get the to a phone!"

Let us know how things go and if she's a good friend, don't give up on her. I doubt she knows much about us. We'll be here for you no matter what.

Beauty

[DonnaT]

I agree with Beauty, call her.

However, if you visited her on a regular basis and haven't since your confession, she may think you are ignoring her. In that case call her and ask if you can come over. Don't just show up unannounced.

If you have experienced, and like, intamacy with girls, then you may be bisexual instead of gay. If you do not feel any attraction towards guys, but were just experimenting, then you are probably neither gay or bi.

[Sheena]

Beauty, I've known her 8 years. She was the bar girl at my local, and we just hit it off, as real good close freinds. The only people who knew about my CDing and bi-sexuality was mum. I Just felt this thing inside, that I should tell someone whos not family. Shes always been trustworthy and honest. She promised me that night "it would not go past these 4 walls". I hope to hell she has'nt told her partner, cause hes a great mate too, even though shes closer.
She did say something interesting though that night, which probably worries me too. I always lock my bungalow door when I go out, and I hide my lingerie and sleepwear whenever someone is over. While I was in the states last year, Dad was building a extra room on my bungalow, and mum came over and grabbed all my lingerie and sleepwear, through it in a bag and took it all to her house......by my request. Dad though was very suspicious of this, and told her (my girlfreind) and also said that "he feels I'm hiding something in my bungalow". I Just thought I'd throw that in.

[Loretta Ann]

Hi Sheena,

When involving ones self in informing others of ones secrets something to consider is:

That if you have a secret that you don’t want others to know, and tell someone about it you are putting a burden on them that some folk would not be comfortable with. Not because they don’t care about you, but in the event that at some point in time they might let something slip (unintentionally) that could hurt you. And they may not want to have to carry that burden.

That kind of thing can affect their relationships with other people. Straining them; forcing them to keep secrets from their mates, which they might not like to do.

I have seen people set up like that. Where someone has told them something that is supposed to be a secret. Later accusing them of letting the secret out.

Wishing you well.

Darlene.

[CJ]

Hi all,

Darlene,

While I agree with you on principle (about the need to proceed cautiously), I can't help but think that two conditions need to obtain for a self-revelation to be considered a burden on a friend: one, that the friend in question be not as close as you think he or she is (close friends who love and respect you will not find that who you truly are is a burden to them), and, two, that, because of our own fears and anxieties, we impose secrecy upon that friend (that can, indeed, be a burden but, in the end, it affects nobody else but you and your friend... as opposed to, say, revealing to a friend that your sister is gay).

I realize that, being single as I am, my situation may be different. When I tell a friend or a colleague that I'm a crossdresser, I also make sure that they understand that it's not a secret, that I don't really care who they tell. I can do this because I've lost my fear of what people may think. One of the reasons I've lost that fear is that the consequences of my self-revelation have, on the whole, been positive, not negative. Of course, if I were married or had a GF, I would have to take into account her own fears and anxieties about my revealing myself to common friends and I would act accordingly.

Yes, self-revelation is risky. But would you rather spend the rest of your life basing your behaviour on the odd negative consequence or on the potentially massive windfall of people relating to you truly and authentically?

Sheena,

It's a tough call, the kind of situation you're in. The reason it's tough is because there are too many unknowns. Get rid of those unknowns and things will be much clearer (and simpler). Yes, I know you can all see me coming from a mile away... just communicate with your friend, Sheena; talk to her, tell her about your worries, be yourself, and ask her how she feels. Be prepared for all possibilities; it may be the case that you've lost a friend. Or it may not. You won't know until you ask. Good luck in the forging of your true friendships.

Love,
CJ

[Loretta Ann]

CJ.

I was not referring to close friends whose love and respect I would not find that I was truly being a burden to them. In fact that misses my point. The burden I was referring to is the burden of never letting something slip unintentionally (to other people) that might hurt my friend.

Of course considering the following quote that situation would not apply to you.

When I tell a friend or a colleague that I'm a cross dresser, I also make sure that they understand that it's not a secret, that I don't really care who they tell.

I don’t think that is the picture being presented in the post to which I replied.

Yes, self-revelation is risky. But would you rather spend the rest of your life basing your behavior on the odd negative consequence or on the potentially massive windfall of people relating to you truly and authentically?

I prefer to live my life among friends who are not interested in whether or not I am a cross-dresser, (it is a non issue) (There would be nothing to gain by telling them) and I enjoy the windfall of relating to those who are truly and authentically free.

In some ways I think we are saying the same thing.

Love Darlene.

[CJ]

Hi all,

Darlene,

Yep, I think we are saying the same thing. Bring out the champagne, eh?

Love,
CJ

[Loretta Ann]

CJ.

[Absaroka]

Last week I said something to someone who is a sort of friend, not a close friend but someone I like. It was something totally unrealted to CDing but afterwards I wondered if I had crossed some sort of boundary. The rest of the morning she seemed very distant and I figured I blew it.

A few days later we saw each other again and she was very friendly. My imagination...

I am not saying it is your imagination by and stretch. What I am saying is when we say stuff we have doubts about we can make ourselves uncomfortable and then put the other person off.

There is also the possibility since you were both pretty drunk that you and she have somewhat different memories of the evening..

Mind reading is a bad idea, most of us do it poorly. Ask your friend what's up

Andrea

[Beauty]

Hi Andrea,

That really is very, very sound advice!!! Get to talkin'!

Beauty