What's in an image? (super long)

[Beauty]

Aloha,

Why I decided to post this

I was reading Helen's Book, "My Husband Betty" when I had an epiphany. I posted some of it on their boards, but this part I decided to go into a bit more detail here.

Her first chapter helped me realize I must do more with my own site, as far as reference points to more support out there. I've got a pretty decent domain name, not perfect, but enough that people do come there. I'm just sitting on it for my photos. I feel that's wrong for our community and I need to do more.

Who I wanted to be growing up

It also helped me remember why I have photos on my site, why I chose Jamie Austin for photos, and why I'm more into fashion that anything else. Although I was a boy, I always wanted to be a cover girl model when I grew up. Some of my biggest idols were the women on magazine covers or on runways. I asked my mom if I could go to modeling school so much my brother teased me.

On television female models are always portrayed in a negative light the way CD'rs are (generalizations that are taken as gospel). "They are all petty", "All they care about are there looks", "They all throw up their food", etc. They just got a bad wrap every turn of the way. If you were a male model you were gay and that was that. Since the internet has grown and reality television has grown you can see some are indeed empty headed, some are smart, some are vein, but some are actually nice people.

In the 70s Cheryl Tiegs was someone I always admired. She was total class to me. In the black community we had women like Lena Horne and Marilyn McCoo (who were both singers) that I'd see in african american publications. They were also quite classy and who I thought of myself as when wearing my feminine mindset.

My photo shoots with Jamie

I have done three photo shoots with Jamie. The first one I was just shock that I could look like that. So I kind of did everything he told me to do. When I would have an idea, it always came out bad. So I just tilted this way, moved my hips that way and moved my head or legs here, there, and everywhere. It was 8 long hours with no food and very little to drink. I didn't believe models when they said that, but it wasn't easy taking that many photos and trying to get different poses in. After the session I was physicall drained. The photos were very cool and I was pretty happy though.

The second shoot was more like the model shoot I'd always wanted to do (again I was pleased to understand what models meant by it being hard work). In this one I had a little more say, but still Jamie creates magic and I didn't know what I wanted so I did more listening, but gave a little more input than the first time. I was also more confident this time. I tried to look sexy and from what I've been told it worked and then some (that's not necessarily good). This shoot made people say, "Hey? I thought you were a nice girl?" I was just happy to have new pictures, so I didn't notice at first, but some of them were pretty racy with looks. Ooops! I promise I didn't know until I got feedback, but once I did I looked at them through different eyes and some of them won't be viewed anymore by anyone but my wife and I. It wasn't that I was showing too much it just looked like I was ready to jump through the camera and make out with you.

My last shoot with him I think he thought I was being a bit of a bitch about what I would and wouldn't wear (like hip padding) and facial poses and physical poses I would or wouldn't do, how much makeup I wanted and the look I didn't want. Speaking my mind like this reminded me of the model idols I'd had who took control over their photo shoots when they weren't shy anymore. I didn't just want to look like a china doll or a sex kitten. I wanted the photos to still be nice, but in more of a classy, rather than, overtly sexual manner or pageant manner. I thought he was going to kill me, but we finished another session and he was just as accommodating as always. He's total class.

I do plan on having another shoot and I just want to wear normal clothing. I don't want to use anything other than my face and I don't want much make up on. Going to Jamie is my en femme getaway or my SCC, but it's getting harder to just got there, stay in a small room taking photos and never get out. I've asked people to go with me before, but it never usually works out.

Questions from others about the nature of my photos

One of the reasons I wanted to post about my photos is because of my site. I get asked questions by very dear friends that are things I never thought someone would wonder about me, but they are fair questions. They are especially I also get questions from chasers (my new word I learned from MHB) Basically people want to know what's my motivation for having them up.

The questions I have gotten, "Do you get turned on at the site of your image?", "Are you posting those photos to turn on men?", "Do you know you turn men on with those photos?", "Are you saying that's what you think women should be?"

To all of these I can, with a good conscience say no. I just took photos because I wanted to take them. I've explained the shoots above and what each one meant to me. I hope those who know me online and through the forum believe me, but I have to accept that there are those who'll think I'm full of it.

I don't get turned on by myself. I haven't since I was in my early 20's or the end of my teens.

The question about turning on men. Men get turned on at anything... lol. I don't need to turn them on, but I'd prefer to have a woman think I was attractive. The sexual attraction I don't pay much attention to. My wife is who I want to be sexually attracted to me.

The last question I wrote is the most important one I wanted to answer. F' no I don't think that's the way women should be/portrayed. I think women should be models, professionals, athletes, or who ever they want to be. I am just taking photos that I wanted to take all my life. The photos are meant to be attractive, that's for sure, but they are just me enjoying myself and that's why I decided to share thm. I never realized all of these other things would be asked. Talk about naive.

I'd be lying if I said I didn't like the feedback I get about my photos because it's been pretty positive. I do like that. These days feel I'd rather feel that instead of reading it. I'm ready to come out of the photos and into real life. I don't ever think I'll get tired of reading them, but I have grown out of one phase into another. Oh joy?

I never felt disrespected when people ask me these questions. It helps me gain insight into things that I'd never thought about before. In fact there's a member here who I spoke with who really helped me to get where I am today too. She set up my mind to be opened by Helen's book. To her I can't say thanks enough. (I would say here name, but I don't know if she'd want me to) I also have had some very nice comments (like my friend) that mean a lot because it's kind of like getting support from someone for a dream.


Dream fulfilled time to live my life.

On the MHB forum I asked, "Do you know how long it's taken me to realize this?" I guess I hadn't remembered this since my early twenties. I'd never thought about it deeply enough though, even then. I just started realizing how important going to Jamie was for me, as I was reading Helen's book.

Now that I've got my "head shots" I realize my pseudo fantasy has been realized/accomplished. So now that my dream is past me, I've stumbled into another area of my life. If I'm being honest, I want to get out into the real world and I'm really scared. I have gone out on more than a few occasions, but for some reason now getting out means more? (That's another thread) It's not about being read because usually I'm not. It's more about what it means to me personally, the dangers I've discussed before, and being read does factor in, but not as much since I'm more confident with they way I dress and do my makeup now.

Ok.. it's over, I promise

Things were kind of dead around here so I figured why not post a longy. I'm sorry if it was boring, not believable, or a waste of your time. It was good therapy for me. Thanks for those who read this whole thing. Go have a glass of wine, beer, or orange juice. You deserve it!

Beauty

[Danette]

Dear Beauty,

Yes, I read the whole thing. And in My opinion, Any person who comes to the terms with them self as You have, Has all the class any Lady could want. I am Green with envy that You have come to realize a true interpart of Yourself.As for the last part of your post I think I will.

Hug & Kisses
Danette

P.S. Read My signature

[Beauty]

Hi Danette,

You are so sweet. Thank you very much for reading all of that too. I'm glad someone did.

What did you have wine or the oj?

Beauty

[Elizabeth]

Beauty,

I totally get it. I understand the pictures. I understand your desires, and I understand your fears. I wish I had some real solid answers for you, but I don't.

I can tell you that virtually none of my fears have been realized. It is no different than how I was treated as a kid. Once I realized that others were not better than me, just because they said they were, their teasing no longer affected me. Once it no longer affected me, people stopped doing it.

It seems that once someone says you are a crossdresser and everyone acknowledges it, there is not a lot more to talk about. And other than being beat up or physically threatened, not a lot else can happen.

And as far as physical violence, it seems we are no more vulnerable than GG's who must have a high level of vigilence to prevent being attacked. I try to avoid places that make me vulnerable. Like places where young men drink. Or going out alone at night. Walk with purpose.

In the end Beauty, I think we all have to find our own way. You seem comfortable with what you have done so far. I would say, just trust your instincts, they have served you well so far.

As Virgina would say "It's your magical mystery tour". Good luck sis.

Love always,
Elizabeth

[Beauty]

Hi Elizabeth,

Thank you so much for responding.

You said something that kind of made me a light go off in my head. You're so right!!! Women have to deal with the fear I'm talking about everyday. If they are in a parking lot, a street corner with not a lot of people around, and unfortunately some women come home and live in fear. That really helped me. Thank you so much!

I promise I'll try to use your courage as I start venturing out into the world more dressed. :: takes deep inhale :: I can do this!

One more thanks before I go. Thank you for saying you feel I'm comfortable with I've done so far. I don't read my words that way. lol.. but I do trust you and therefore I trust that's what my words are saying to me too.

What an uplifting post. Thank you so much Elizabeth.

Beauty

[Anita]

Hi Beauty--
Thanks for your post. I liked it very much, and am happy to learn more about where you have been, and where you see yourself going now. I have my cup of coffee here, and I'm well fortified for readin' and writin' and 'rithmatic..oh, none of that needed, I hope.

Your professional pictures make me envious, because I haven't been able to do that but once, and that was in the very beginning. There is an expression you get from doing that, and I have not trusted anyone enough to set it up. I do not like a lot of the shots that are taken of me as a performer, and I have little control over that. Those shots can be very expressive, too, but not in the same way that yours are. I want to do that, and I'm not sure what it's going to take to make it happen.

I understand those 'chaser' questions well, since I would probably have have the same ones in my pre-CD days. But you know, it really doesn't matter what YOUR motivation is--if the pictures are out there, people will get whatever meaning they want to from them.

You can shape their viewing by how you present them, which ones you use, and so forth, but once they're in the world, they're independent of you. Like sending your children off to college, they need your support, but they're on their own, too.

As to going out: in some ways, being more passable is more of a burden, I would think. You or I want to blend in enough to be comfortable, and be treated well. That happens for me and others here, and I'm sure it will happen for you.

But if you get to a higher level of passing, you have to make more decisions about what to say, and when to say it. None of us want to mislead anyone, and sometimes the situation seems to get out of hand faster than we'd like. Meaning that I have to sit there and wonder, "Oh, does he really know? Is he going to be embarrassed if I tell him now? Should I just make some excuse and walk away?" I could see you having to deal with that more than I do.

Even when I don't pass, I have to make those decisions sometimes--I think even men who aren't chasers can find themselves intrigued when they meet one of us. It is just something that happens, and it's not got to be uncomfortable. In fact, practice makes it easier to handle these situations, as any woman can tell you.

I'm glad you posted today. I hope you can start to find a level of going out that works for you.

[Beauty]

Hi Anita!


Thank you so much for responding. I'm glad you liked the post. By the time you finished did you drink the whole pot of coffee? I'm kidding. I really do appreciate you commenting.

You are totally right when you mentioned being passable brings it's problems. Unwelcome advances are one. That's awkward. The one time I had to deal with it, no matter how nasty of a look I gave him, he came on stronger and stronger. I do want very much to blend in (a shadow).

You're also right about when the pictures are out there, my control over them is limited. Especially when it comes to opinions. I've gotten better with accepting that, but it's still not easy. I encrypt and password protect my site and do things so you can't get them easily, but anyone who tried hard could do it I'm sure.

One of the reasons I appreciate your opinion so much is because you go out in the world as you. So you, like Elizabeth, experience real life while I only let it scare me into no action. I'm starting to take hold of that fear though. I hope to be out more in the fall.

My wife gets really protective the times we've been out. She doesn't like the looks that women or men give me when they are fond looks. I don't notice because I'm so focused on not making eye contact with anyone. She says what you said about the pictures kind of. Once I get my face on and go out I can't control who looks at me fondly and who doesn't. Girls are conditioned to handle this for years. They have their peers and adult women to help them. This is all new to me and it shows.

I hope to get better and reading advice helps. Thank you so much. I'm glad I posted too. I've really been found enlightenment in all of these posts.

Thank you Anita!!!

Beauty

[Absaroka]

Thanks for the post Beauty. I enjoyed it and also the discussion that followed

Andrea

[Beauty]

Hi Andrea,

You're welcome. I hope the original post didn't put you to sleep. Thank you for responding.

Beauty

[Jadeanne]

Hi Beauty,

I read your post and the responses over several times, and here are a few comments:

For your photo sessions, you are paying the money, so you should be the one in charge. It sounds to me like you are building on the experience of your previous photo sessions and don't want the standard glamour shoot this next time.

I enjoy viewing your photos, and you should be proud of them. You look great!

Keeping your pictures secure as you can with encryption and passwords is an excellent idea.

For me, only one person turns me on, and that's my wife. When I look at photos, my thoughts are "I wonder how my wife would look in that" or "how would it feel if I were wearing that". I also read stories on the fiction sites and imagine myself and/or my wife as characters.

I'm glad you fulfilled a long time dream.

Jadeanne

[CJ]

Hi all,

Beauty,

Excellent post! It's such a thrill to be getting to know you better... what you want, what you like, how you see yourself, and, yes, what you fear, also.

I won't be of much help to you because, as you know, I don't go out en femme that often myself, so my experience is pretty limited there. But I will say this (and it's something Rikki of LA always, always emphasizes): be proud of who you are and, especially, let it show. Don't avoid eye contact. Even with strangers. People who have something to hide reveal that fact to others by avoiding eye contact. You have nothing to hide, regardless of your gender identity. None of us do. You're a beautiful person, Beauty. Look the world in the eye and let it see that.

As far as facing the world, my own path has led me to reveal myself to many others--strangers, friends, colleagues, family--while in boy mode. I find that this approach is less jarring to others and it gives them the option to become curious about meeting me en femme in their own way and at their own pace. And that has, indeed, happened. Often. (I just haven't yet gone ahead and done it.) I find this creates a much safer place for me to express who I truly am. Like Elizabeth said, the negative consequences we fear at the thought of revealing ourselves are often worst-case scenarios we build up in our heads after a lifetime of living with shame and the fear of discovery. It doesn't pan out in real life nearly as often as we've come to believe it would.

Remember that little restaurant across from where I used to live? the one where I took Halloween photos as "The Woman In Red" last fall? Well, the owner sold it earlier this year. I didn't waste any time going up to the new owner (who, it turns out, I knew from another restaurant he used to work in) and--photos in hand--telling him, "Look, this is also who I am; I sometimes come here, looking like this; the regulars know me and not only do they not mind, they sort of enjoy it. Do I have your permission to come here dressed like this?" His reply: "Look, don't get me wrong; I don't have a problem with this, I have friends who are into this kind of stuff, but, you know, I don't want to start the business out like this, so maybe it's better if you don't." He was trying to be placating. I told him it wasn't a problem, no worries, I understood. I got home, had a good cry, and told myself, "To hell with him!" But, two days later, I was there for breakfast. In boy mode, natch. We talked. It was actually a very enjoyable conversation. Over the past few months, I'd become one of his best, most regular customers. During this past June (my last month in the neighbourhood), he and I often wound up chatting late at night, before closing time, the restaurant empty, as he nursed a couple of "hidden" beers (the place has no alcohol permit). He really likes me and he'd come to value my advice. In our last conversation, about two weeks ago, he brought up the taboo subject and asked me why I dress like that, what it did for me, what it meant to me. He'd come to respect me and the fact that I dressed as a woman on occasion changed that not one little bit. At some point, as I was about to leave, he said, pointing to the front door, "You know, if your, uh, 'sister,' ever walks through that door, I won't be turning 'her' away and I'll knock anybody sideways who tries to give 'her' a hard time."

All this to say, Beauty, that, although our fears (fear of ridicule, fear of rejection, fear of violence, etc.) are not completely baseless--trust me, I know through the school of hard knocks that we cannot afford to be that naïve--they often don't eventuate, they don't get realized in the real world "out there" (as opposed to "in here," where our insecurities often limit us). Only this: just as women are (or should be), be street-smart and be street-safe.

When you step out of an image or a photo to walk as you are in the world, the world may be your oyster but, if you look it in the eye, it will know that you are one of its pearls.

Love,
CJ

[Loretta Ann]

Hi Beauty,

Having not viewed your photos, and being one who does not venture out of the house cross-dressed, means I don’t have the experience required to give the kind of advice some of the others here have.

Also being as I am about to take something from CJ’s post putting a different slant on it is the result of what her words triggered in my mind, and is not intended to discredit anything she so eloquently and very constructively said IMO.

Perhaps being just anyone of the world’s pearls is not all that it is cracked up to be? I can only guess here, but by the sounds of things your pictures, and the way you were able to present yourself (in public) resulted in being rudely hit upon. Those who hit on you that way were after what they saw as being a pearl.

It sounds to me that what you are saying is you would like to present as a different kind of a pearl that would attract a different kind of pearl hunter.

I can only wish you success there, if that is your goal.

Love,
Darlene.

[DonnaT]

Hi Beauty. Sounds like you've gained a bit of insight from Helen's book. Bet you can't wait for her new one to be published

Fear can be difficult to overcome, especially if one has had bad experiences while growing up.

As you know, I've only been out once amongst the general public. I had no fear because it was in an evironment I knew nothing would happen. Plus I learned to take care of myself a long time ago.

Have you taken any self defence classes? Aikido is an excellent tehnique that does not require a lot of strength, plus it will help build up your self confidence.

You want to go out more, as I understand it.

Make a list of where you would like to go, why and what's stopping you. If you can't come up with a legit reason for not going out, go. If you have a 'stopping you' reason, figure out how to get past it if it is someplace you really want to go. Note, however, that there aren't a lot of nice places you should fear going to.

[Virginia]

Beauty, first I gotta say MY SISTERS HERE ARE WONDERFUL! . As for the picture sessions, I have given that serious consideration and as to why I would want professional shots of Virginia, I still wonder, but some of the responses are that I can see my mother and grandmother in her; that (not bragging) but she, like Beauty is a beautiful woman and as we age, they say what we take with us is our memeories (and if we have pictures it just makes it that much more enjoyable.) Who knows, in the future, we as the pioneers, may just become "in demand" as the stalwarts that started a movement and people may want to see what we looked like. Anita also raised an interesting point too, that some men may find us attractive in not as a sex object but that they are just curious and may have had the feelings that we had the "guts" to act on and they did not.
Guess I will have to put the pressure on Donna and get her to set a date and I will drive up and the three of us will just - "Break Free!" What do you think!?
Thanks for beign there for me and for all my sisters. That is the wonder of this forum. Girls like Elizabeth, tells it from the heart and CJ our resident philosopher and Anita who sees things that I constantly miss and you - LOVE is your gift!
Crying again! I love you all!!!!!!
Virginia

[Anne]

Beauty, what a wonderful post. I think there are many crossdressers but it is few who have true realizations about who they are, who they want to be, and the courage and self-respect to be that person.

I totally understand your view of "I did it for me". So much in a person's life is doing for others - work, volunteerism, family. Having a little "this is what I want to do" is perfectly fine (as long as it doesn't break laws or hurt others mind you). I have this attitude towards my dressing and I have been trying to get a certain organization in our area to admit their T* policies as a way to expand a bit. I hope my SO will talk to me also about the subject.

It takes some life experience to come to epiphanies. When your path gets you to such points, it is a special joy and I wish you happiness now and during your path ahead.

Anne