Pushing it?

Curly(SO) · Post by **Curly(SO)** » Sun Jul 17, 2005 4:10 am

Steffie,

I noticed in your first post that you talked about Steffie in the third person. As an SO, rightly or wrongly it makes me feel uncomfortable...this is really hard to explain! Hmm, if my hubby spoke about his CDing self as another person I think I would find it harder to deal with. I am happy to have a CDing husband but I would be unhappy with a 'third person' in our relationship. From really early on when Ed told me he was a CDer I knew I had to work on integrating that previously hidden side into the person I already knew. I knew that if I decided to separate it (like 'I want my husband back' type of thought) I would have trouble. Also, I had to encourage Ed to integrate it too, as he had previously only dressed in secret so hadn't allowed that side of him to integrate.
I have heard other CDers on here mention that their SO's wish the opposite of what I'm saying...that they wish the CDing part of their men to be totally separate and hidden away, so I'm obviously only speaking from a purely personal level, but I think that maybe it is easier for us SO's to accept our hubbies as CDers if we can see they are still the same person whether dressed or not. Again this is can be hard because when we find out about the CDing we also find out a lot of new stuff about our men and it can feel like we no longer know them. I felt like my hubby was a stranger for a while till I got to know this whole new side of him.
Obviously, I didn't want to be living with a stranger or have 'another person' pop into our relationship, so I have had to work on seeing my man as a whole package with many different facets. We have had to talk a lot and I have encouraged Ed to bring his CDing into our relationship, as at times early on he was finding it easier to do it in secret, until he got used to me seeing that side of him and overcoming his embarrassment.
Anyway it sounds like you are both doing fine! Just keep talking, as others have said, communication is the most important thing here. I just wanted to raise the point about integration as this is a big issue for me, so it may be for other SOs. I hope I explained it OK.

Love,
Curly(SO)

Steffie · Post by **Steffie** » Sun Jul 17, 2005 7:52 pm

Hi Curly,

I never really thought about the third person like that. The weekend went great for me and my wife and I know that I didn't use the third person to her. Maybe this was one of the reasons it went so well. I'll keep this in mind in the future. Thanks for yet another perspective. Take care.

Steffie

Kay(SO) · Post by **Kay(SO)** » Mon Jul 18, 2005 8:53 am

I just needed to say that Geogia's post was so excellent in explaining what I know many SO's feel.

And Curly, you are absolutely right about it being easier to accept and support my own husband because I know it's still him and he doesn't become this third person in our relationship. I know I wouldn't like it if I felt there was this whole personality transformation and that there was a third person involved in our relationship. Especially since I don't always like him as "her". There are still times after seven years that I want to say, "go away!" when I'm around "her" so to speak. Most of the time I just let him know that I'm not in the mood to be around CDing and he can do what he wants, with no bad feelings on my part, I just don't want to deal with it right then. I'm not always happy to be around him dressed or in the mood for all of the stuff that goes along with it. Examples of the things that bug me are the hours of body hair removal, the lengthy primping, makeup application, changing clothes like fifty times so he can enjoy each outfit. And frankly, sometimes I feel bothered by the fact that he gets so much enjoyment out of all of the things that bug the hell out of me. I realize that that is MY issue and has nothing to do with him and I continue to explore this in therapy but the feelings are there just the same. I love that I can be honest here and that so many CD'rs want to know more about how GG's feel at times.

Kay(SO)

Georgia(SO) · Post by **Georgia(SO)** » Mon Jul 18, 2005 7:03 pm

If ya'll can stand more of us gg's talking on your forum (lol), I think that Kay and Curly have pretty well nailed what I was trying to say also. Obviously, each person is different, but for my guy, his femme side is terrifically differentiated and individuated from his guy side. There is a distinctively different personality that shows up, and he likes it this way.

I have trouble with that 3rd person. And I've watched myself to see when I have a negative reaction and when I have a positive or a neutral reaction. Quite often it's just Tom in a dress. Doesn't bother me at all. Kinda wierd to begin with, but I don't even really notice much anymore. But sometimes there's someone else in his skin, regardless of whether she's wearing his clothes or her own...and that one gives me a world of problems. I don't like her and she doesn't like me. She and I wouldn't be friends if we were both gg's, and neither of us (me or my guy) are particularly interested in going in that direction...Plus, she's the kind of woman I wouldn't ever trust to be around my guy! (Really a workout for the syntax there, but ya'll get the drift, I'm sure...)

We've about got it worked out between us, but I agree that that third person aspect is an awful lot to handle.

have a good one, ya'll...
-g

Bernice · Post by **Bernice** » Sun Jul 24, 2005 11:21 pm

I have so little constructive to add this late in the thread, but I will say that we have had similar friction over this issue. Despite Debbie's best efforts to accept, she still has trouble with the accessories.

We found compromise as follows:

Every night (unless we have house guests), I wear a cotton knit dress to bed, perhaps with panties, but no bra, prosthetics, hose, shoes, wig, makeup, etc. In winter, it might be a sweater dress.

When she is out of town, or working late or on weekend shopping, or whatever, I may do entirely as I please. When she comes home on schedule, I return to en drab by her expected arrival time. When she surprises me with an early return, I return to en drab in her presence, promptly, but not in panic mode.

She has never wanted to be involved. She was humiliated many many years ago when a peeping tom saw me en femme when we were innocently playing a board game together in our living room.

I have to apprecieate the difference between her acceptance and her lack of appreciation. It has not always been easy, but it does get easier, and it has been worth the effort.

And fortunately for me, my femme wardrobe is triple hers in size. You could say she wears the pants in this family. Literally!

Hugs,

Bernice