What's in an image? (super long)

Anne · Post by **Anne** » Fri Jul 15, 2005 8:15 pm

CJ wrote:.... At some point, as I was about to leave, he said, pointing to the front door, "You know, if your, uh, 'sister,' ever walks through that door, I won't be turning 'her' away and I'll knock anybody sideways who tries to give 'her' a hard time."

Way cool

Anne

Anne · Post by **Anne** » Sun Jul 17, 2005 8:10 am

Anne wrote:Beauty, what a wonderful post. I think there are many crossdressers but it is few who have true realizations about who they are, who they want to be, and the courage and self-respect to be that person.

I totally understand your view of "I did it for me". So much in a person's life is doing for others - work, volunteerism, family. Having a little "this is what I want to do" is perfectly fine (as long as it doesn't break laws or hurt others mind you). I have this attitude towards my dressing and I have been trying to get a certain organization in our area to admit their T* policies as a way to expand a bit. I hope my SO will talk to me also about the subject.

It takes some life experience to come to epiphanies. When your path gets you to such points, it is a special joy and I wish you happiness now and during your path ahead.

Anne

I hope I didn't kill the setiment of this special thread

Post by **DonnaT** » Sun Jul 17, 2005 9:05 am

Not at all Anne, not at all.

Anita · Post by **Anita** » Sun Jul 17, 2005 9:45 am

No, Anne, that was a very fine post.

RikkiOfLA · Post by **RikkiOfLA** » Wed Jul 20, 2005 4:52 am

Hi Beauty!

Not too long at all, hon. You had a lot to say, and as always, you said it well.

The subject matter, of course, reminds me of our phone conversations. I hear the interplay between your male and female sides. The male side is proud of the pictures, and rightly so, because they are beautiful and attractive. Your female side is not opposed to them, but I hear her saying that she's concerned if they might give some people the wrong idea. I hear her waking up, coming into consciousness. Like you're wondering how important a place in your life to give her. Your plate is full--important job, wife, family, home. You can't just turn control over to her, even if you wanted to, which you don't.

Maybe you want to have someone other than Jamie Austin do your next photo shoot? I don't have anyone in your area to suggest, but it should be someone who will let you have the artistic control you ask for. Physical beauty is good, but I don't think it's enough to drive a good photo shoot. Good photos hint of activity, relationships, and interests. We want to see what makes you tick. And there's no question--you are a real person, full of life and energy and spirituality. A wonderful person, in fact, and a very good friend. I like best your pictures that hint of that!

I hope you will wear your own clothes in your next shoot. A professional photographer may have a "killer" beautiful wardrobe, that all of us would envy, but that's not the point. It's not about seeing you in the best clothes obtainable. It's about seeing your choices--they're just one more aspect that reflects the great person you are. An admirer, of course, might see it differently. He (or she) might want to see you looking as sexy as possible. Bring on the gold lamé bikini! But, then, as your femme side so wisely realizes, admirers are not quite the same as friends. If your wife is a bit jealous sometimes, hers is a voice you should listen to. I don't just mean that you should respect and obey her. I mean she's onto something. Listen a little deeper; you might hear her saying something that Beauty means to say too.

As always, whatever choices you make, I love you sis. You are a real friend to me, and I consider it a great honor to be your friend too.

Paige · Post by **Paige** » Wed Jul 20, 2005 8:17 am

Beauty,

I am fully aware that your (long) post (not really) addresses more than just who did your makeover. To add to Rikki's reply I thought I would add what little I can.

I have not had a makeover done by Jamie but I recently went to a banquet and he and 3 of the girls he did a makeover on sat at our table. I admire the job he does. It sure is quite a transformation.

I would like to offer a couple of alternatives to you if I might.

Clare at TGNorth in Montpelier Vermont http://www.tgnorth.com/ did my first (and so far, only) makeover. She does a great job and she makes you feel so very important and special. If you go to her website She has posted my picture there and if you look at the testimonials, mine is there also. (the very long one) I heartily recommend her and she is not much farther away than Jamie Austin.

Another choice would be Karen at FemmeFever in New York. I am trying to set up an appointment with her presently. I have looked at her work and read her bio and she seems to have the same wonderful qualities as Clare. Lorna has been there and she is probably easier for you to get to than Jamie. Her website is very inclusive and I recommend you visit just to get an idea of "who" she is. http://www.femmefever.com/

I'm apologize if this post sounds like a commercial but I truly understand your post and I had much of the same feelings as you. That was the primary reason I didn't go to Jamie for my first makeover.

Enough rambling. Good luck sweetie and I hope this has helped you, even a little bit.

Hugs, Paige

Beauty · Post by **Beauty** » Thu Jul 21, 2005 4:04 am

Hi CJ,

Thank you so much for taking the time to read that looong thread and post.

I really appreciate your advice.

Yes, I remember that restaurant. What you did was amazing.

I'm sorry you had a bit of a cry at first, but as usual you turned a frown upside down with your understanding and kind ways. I think it's so wonderful that the owner came around.

Again I thank you sooo much for caring enough about me to take time to post. You're so wonderful and important to me. I respect your advice and that of others who have gone out a great deal and I'm really appreciative of your thoughts on what I should and shouldn't do when I go out more regularly.

Beauty

Beauty · Post by **Beauty** » Thu Jul 21, 2005 4:12 am

Hi Jadeanne,

Sorry about that. I didn't see your post at first. When I went back though I did see it. I'm really so sorry.

You bring up a very good point about me paying for my photo shoot and that I should be able to do what I want to, but it wasn't like that when I got in the session. Jamie really is a very good makeup artist so it was intimidating to tell him anything. He always let me say what I wanted to try and 9 out of 10 of the shots at first, that I'd request, were horrible and horrible was an understatement.

So I learned to trust his judgement.

As the photo sessions went on I got better. The second photo shoot I was 5 out of 10 ideas were good, but that was still too many.

In the third photo shoot it wasn't the amount that I'd choose to pose like it's what I knew looked best and so I insisted on those over some of the normal things I'd done where I'd consistently not like the shots. So I stopped taking shots that I didn't like or want to and Jamie was ok with that, even though I was a bit bitchy.

I'm glad you enjoy looking at my photos as it's really like coming over to my home and opening an album of my head shots.

I'm honored that you'd even take a look at all.

Thanks also for being glad that I fulfilled a long time dream.

Beauty

Beauty · Post by **Beauty** » Thu Jul 21, 2005 4:21 am

Hi Darlene,

Not seeing the pictures isn't important.

Your views about things are though.

So I'm very glad you took time to respond. Thank you!

You asked a great question. I'm sorry I must have miscommunicated in my post. No, when I go out even dressed down, I get hit on. I wouldn't ever walk out in the street after a photo shoot. Neither would the beautiful models in NYC. It's bad enough they get gawked at with no makeup on. Guys would be following them if they looked like they did when they were doing their photo shoots.

Jamie would ask me to go walk down to a store dressed in one of the outfits I was wearing over and over and he assured me that the people in the stores would be ok with it because they knew what he did. I didn't think it was appropriate to wear those clothes or that much makeup outside of a photo shoot so I didn't ever go outside of the photo shoot area dressed.

When I go out, I don't want to attract anyone. I just want to go out and be invisible.

You're probably not the only person who thought that way, so thank you again for taking the time to post. I hope this clears things up?

Beauty

Beauty · Post by **Beauty** » Thu Jul 21, 2005 4:29 am

Hi Donna!!!

Yes, I did gain a lot of insight from Helen's book.

You're also right I can't wait for Helen and Peggy to release new books. More, more, more!!

I agree with you about fear being difficult to overcome, especially if someone had bad experiences growing up. Thankfully I didn't really have any of those. I wonder if hearing about them is equally as paralyzing?

Donna, if I'm being honest with you honey, if I had as much courage as you had in your little toe I'd have my ears pierced and go out at least once a weekend. You're amazing and I'm in awe of your ability to not be a fraidy cat like me.

I always benefit from your wisdom.

Have I taken any defense classes? No. Because you asked that though I think I goofed again.

I don't think that, for the most part, I will be physically harmed as much as I'm afraid of stares and stuff. I feel being attacked could happen dressed or not dressed. It's just that if I'm attacked while wearing femme clothes lol I don't think I'll be able to be as affective defending myself. I think, within myself this is a perception problem because I haven't really been out that much though.

I hope that made sense?

What a great idea about making a list!!!

Thank you!

You are so wonderful and thoughtful. Thank you Donna!!!!!

Beauty

Beauty · Post by **Beauty** » Thu Jul 21, 2005 4:35 am

Hi Virginia,

I have to agree with you about what you said about all the wonderful people here. They are wonderful, smart, and soooo caring!!!

That was really interesting to hear the reflections of your own thoughts about what a photo shoot would mean for you.

For me it meant getting a taste of the career I always wanted.

It was interesting to hear what it could mean to you.

I love getting more insight into the wonderful Virginia!

You may think I was blowing wind, but I really will be at that dance next year if you go.

So yes, we'll have to figure out a way to get our Donna to join us.

Thank you again Virginia for taking the time out to comment. Hey and you got a good cry in too.

Beauty

Beauty · Post by **Beauty** » Thu Jul 21, 2005 4:46 am

Hi Anne,

In no way did you have anything to do with the thread dying. You know how wonderful I think you are.

If you don't. YOU ARE SO WONDERFUL ANNE!!!!

Thank you for your comments about my post. You are wonderful AND sweet too, huh?

I think I've learned a lot about being humble from TG'd people out there who have also made true realizations about who they are, want to be, and their courage to be who they want to be. I'm lacking on the final one, but I hope to learn more about me and maybe I can alter that.

Thank you for saying you understood about why I said I did it for me.

That was something in my 20s I could never do. I had to take care of everyone else and never me. I've changed that quite a bit.

I still go way out of my way to help with others, but I do draw a line now. When I feel I haven't treated myself well, I will withdraw for a bit. Let me qualify that. If a friend needs me and I realize I've been giving this person a lot of time and haven't had much me time I'm not going to leave their side. I'm just saying that if I have an opportunity to take a break for me I will. In the old days I'd go out of my way to make sure I was always helping everyone, but me.

I applaud you for trying to get your T*group to expand their policies!

You are so brave!

I think where there's hope there's a chance. I pray your SO will talk with you more about the subject of being TG'd.

Thank you so much Anne for posting in this thread. It really means bunches to me.

Thank you for your very sincere well wishes.

Beauty

Beauty · Post by **Beauty** » Thu Jul 21, 2005 5:43 am

YAY Rikki!!!

Where have you been girl?

I'm glad my post wasn't too long!

What about this one though?

Yes, you are right about the subject matter being inspired by our phone conversations. There is no doubt that you helped me dig deeper into what I'm doing. You were also the person who inspired me to go back to my psychologist. I just had no answers for what I was doing. You helped me realize this and I'm starting to piece things together.

Thank you for you insight into your perceptions of my photos.

Here are my thoughts. I feel my male side isn't too happy with the pictures actually. My male side really doesn't care for being TG'd. It doesn't fancy how I look. My male side wishes this could go away and I'd be attracted to gals only (without the being TG'd stuff attached to it).

My female side is so proud of those pictures because they are the fulfillment of a life long dream. I buried the fact of wanting to be a model for years and it was only talking to you that helped these memories rise to the top. I remember looking at catalogs, magazines, television and wanting to be a model SOOO bad. I would call the modeling school in our area once a month. As I said in my post I pleaded for years with my mom to become a model. As I grew into more of a guy though the urge went away and until just recently I'd forgotten.

What I wanted to convey in my post (missed the target I guess)

I wanted to convey that me wanting to be a model is why Jamie stood out more than anyone else as the person I wanted to go to. From his makeup I could tell he didn't just do pageants, but he did models. Since I wanted to be a model he was the best candidate. I wanted to convey (in my super long post) how proud I am of these pictures now that I've come to this realization. Before my realization I was coy about them before because I felt some misinterpreted that they were to attract men. If they do ok, that's kind of cool because I'm not a gal. So it helps fulfill a dream of being a woman model and getting the reaction my role models, that were models got. It wasn't my only intention though. This was a huge revelation.

When you and I talked I was totally at a loss for words as to, "Why?" I had to dig deep, but I uncovered why. Helen's book also helped me, therapy helped me, and digging myself (asking myself why) helped me too.

One of the big revelations was what I've read other women who are attractive and work in entertainment do/think. I don't care what anyone thinks of me or the photos. :: Goldie Hawn laugh :: I really don't care anymore. I am so proud of me for finally being able to know why I chose Jamie and am a repeat customer. This is one of the many expressions of me.

What I also realized in Jamie's last photo shoot was. I had enough head shots now. Now I wanted some real life shots of me. No model makeup, just photos of me. There's a catch here too though. I've realized the kind of shots I actually want are shots of me not in a studio. I want photos of me at events with friends. I want photos like so many gals have in the gallery. It's kind of simple I want to be outside. My studio days are coming to an end. In a way I feel I'm graduating!

So you're right about me waking up. I just feel my male and femme sides haven't changed other than realization of a dream and why I chose Jamie. I did go to other makeup artists and they did an ok job, but it wasn't what I was looking for.

Yes, I am thinking about how to incorporate my femme side into my masculine life. I do think I can control my femme side. I can control it by letting it live it's life out the way the masculine side has. To let it live and make mistakes and recover from them. Right now I'm still at a realization stage, but that, like my photo sessions are coming to an end too. Maybe that's what you meant by not controlling (let live)?

I'm so sorry that I communicated Jamie didn't let me have artistic control. He totally did! As I explained above to someone. I would try to do it and at first I was a miserable failure, but as I learned more about me and my poses and what looked good I got better and my decision making and that's why the final shoot looks the best to me. It's me finally being me.

A good photo shoot is owned by the photographer and the model. I feel once the pictures or art is in front of others to behold, the photographer and the model are a message in a bottle, floating in the ocean. You can't control the tide of feelings or perceptions, but you as the artist and the model can know what you saw.

I think photos are different. Photos of people are better than photo shoots. Photo shoots are solo, usually (catalogs tend to be more than one person) Photos are better because, like you said they show a person outside of being in a studio for the reason of taking photos designed to be attractive. Photos in real life are about just that, real life.

You're right about waking up too. I am waking up as a whole person. It's not a femme side or a masculine side, it's all of me. Photos are only a small portion (though important) part of all the things that are waking up. My facial hair removal, the t-blockers, my realizations about childhood dreams that weren't masculine, presenting myself in a more femme way, exposing the femme clothing I wear at work, not holding back on expressing myself in a more femme manner, etc. There are all things that are beginning to mean more to me than they had before and though I once thought of these as independent acts, I am now connecting them.

Rikki, you saying I'm a real person, full of life, energy and spirituality helps me connect things more because of how much respect I have for you as a friend and as a beautiful being of God. To call me a very good friend causes me to get a bit dizzy because of how honored I am to be a very good friend of yours. I love you!!! You are so wonderful to me and you've helped me grow so much. I have to say one of my best pictures will be when I'm hugging you one day. That smile will be one for the ages!

On my next photo shoot with Jamie he already knows. No tricks (tape, corsets, or hips) I'm not sure about forms, but I don't even want those. No clothes other than the ones I would wear out and about. No tricks has been my mantra to him for the past several months. He says he's ready for the challenge.

You're right about admirers wanting to see me in things that reveal even more.. lol! They are the cutest (SOMETIMES) They can have the first few photo shoots to look at. The rest are going to be Plain Jane. Fashionable, but my fashion.

I really shouldn't type that long. I say that because it seems like I communicated something else that's not right. My wife hasn't ever been jealous of me. She wants me to get a few of the pictures in the last photo shoot framed so she can keep them in her office.

Again sorry about that miscommunication in my post too.

Awwwww.. thank you for saying that no matter what decisions I make you love me.

I love you too!!!

I can't tell you how my heart warms when I read you call me a real friend. I am honored to be your friend and I want you to really, really, really, really know that you are one of my dearest friends too.

Love you!
Beauty

Beauty · Post by **Beauty** » Thu Jul 21, 2005 5:52 am

Hey Paige,

Thanks for acknowledging that my post was more than just about the photos.

I was beginning to wonder. lol!!!

The links were wonderful and the person at TG North really does eyes really well.

She opens them quite nicely.

I think going forward I'm going to try to take pictures that like Rikki said contain action and aren't just me. I want to take photos with friends and stuff. My solo shots may be ending with my next photo shoot with Jamie.

Those are really great links. I think you should post them in the Links Of Interest Area.

Karen at FemmeFever does WONDERFUL makeovers.

I'd recommend her to anyone.

Your post sounded nothing like a commercial.

You were offering me alternatives and I'm very appreciative.

You totally helped me. I realize more than ever that the whole photo shoot thing is not all of me. It's a thing I did. It doesn't present me as a whole, present what I was trying to say in my super long post, nor does it define me. I'm more than just pictures. I hope to show that more soon.

Beauty