Would you still be with your spouse if you knew before?

[Kay(SO)]

I couldn't answer the poll because it didn't apply to me so I thought I would post it as a thread instead so I would have an opportunity to speak.

I knew before marrying my spouse and I married him anyway. He was courageous and kind enough to tell me before we went on our first date. I was of course already too far gone and in love with him by then however because we had been friends.

Do I still find it difficult to deal with even though I knew and chose? You bet.

Do I still at times wonder if I was out of my frigging mind for making the decision to get involved? Absolutely.

Are there times over the past seven years that we've been together that I've thought of leaving. Yes I have.

But, I'm still here because our relationship is much more than just CDing. It is complex and contains many more variables and elements than his need to dress.

Anyhoo, I guess the question for those like me would be, "why do you stay?"

Kay(SO)

[Mhairi (SO)]

Hi Kay

I responded to the other thread before reading this although, like you, it doesn't really apply to me.

You've just expressed much of what I was thinking, particularly the 'too far gone' part and the complexities of relationships.

I don't think I am a particularly suitable candidate for the 'why do you stay' question either, as it's only been 6 months for me and I'm still at the heady, early days stage.

All I know at this point is that the relationship as a whole is good and makes me feel good. The cd part is very small as we don't live together but we have fun with it and in my own case I really feel that his personality and behaviour can be attributed, in part to this side of him. He is so intuitive it can be scary and he can read my mood and feelings like no other man ever has. Hmm, not always a good thing, when I'm trying to keep them hidden.

I read a discussion on another forum about women being 'mad' to knowingly get involved in a relationship with a transgendered person, so I do occasionally think, should I get out before I get hurt? Even at 6 months though, it's too late for me to back out without being hurt and I feel I have to live in the present and take chances on relationships, irrespective of any future problems that may come about.

Mhairi

[Kay(SO)]

I'm so glad you wrote! Good post too! I try to remind myself that if he weren't a CD'r, he wouldn't be him. He wouldn't be who he is and the man I fell in love with. There are times I could live without the act of dressing but I would not want to live with out him in my life. Can't have it both ways so here I am! Thanks again for posting!

Kay(SO)

[Gardenia_SO]

Ya know, I responded to the other post, but I kept thinking about this topic. How many things have you found out about your SO that would have been dealbreakers if you'd discovered them on your first date? Some girls I know won't date guys who live at home with their parents. Some guys I know won't date girls who don't shave under their arms. One guy I know won't date a girl whose parents are divorced.

My point is, is crossdressing a potential dealbreaker? For some, sure. Let's not forget, though, that there are SOOOO many other dealbreakers out there, and they're different for everyone.

Admittedly, I wouldn't have gone on a second date with my guy if he had shown up for our first date in a miniskirt, but I'm so glad that I'm with him. Even though it was (and sometimes still is) painful learning his "secret," I don't regret falling in love with him and I'm glad that I didn't find out until I was already attached to him.

-Gardenia

[Oregon (SO)]

Since I looked to date and marry a cd, obvoisuly this quetsion almost does not apply to me, but in many ways it does.

Because I had a fairly good idea what I was getting myself into, I wanted to make darn sure that the person had all the traits I wanted. I had been married before and was so unsure that time, I knew this time around I would not settle for anything less than (almost) perfection.

I knew I wanted to date a cd who planned on staying a guy.
No desire to grow breasts
monogomous
completely straight (and none of this "I am into guys when I dress like a girl" crap)
no other fetishes (bdsm,submissive, bondage, water sports)
no history of being in jail or serious offense
Non smoker
cat and dog person
wanted to have one child
did not currently have any kids
has a steady job
liked my music (you can't believe how important this is to me!)
same ideas about religion
had to be willing to go out dressed en femme (no in the house only all the time stuff)
was not overly a neat-nic

This list really was huge, and to me everything on there was a deal breaker. If I met a guy (no matter how sweet or cute or funny) and he did not check off these things I politely declined and kept looking.

And I got everything I wanted and even a few (dream) bonus things that I did not expect.

I just really believe in not setteling for anything less than what you want. I know from my own experience that when you do, you wind up not nearly as happy, discontent, and eventually miserable. I know since so many SO's did not have the luxergy of knowing from the get go they really do have to weigh the pros and cons of sticking through with their guy. I am not sure, say if my husband ten years from now changed his mind and decided he wanted to get into bondage if this woudl cause some serious distress in our life. Since he knew my thoughts on those other kinky avenues, I would be royally ticked off, that this got stuck on me later.

Really I think in life there is always 'something' that is going to make a marriage stressful, no matter how much planning and care goes into keeping things even. There is always something, no marriage is perfect and ultimatly one has to decide if those potential deal breakers will truly break your marraige.


hugs
kathy in canada

[Georgia(SO)]

Like ya'll, I couldn't just leave my answer in the poll. I agree with Kathy that some things are dealbreakers...and this isn't one of them. And with Kay that there are times I can live without the act of dressing, and some of the stuff that comes with it, but I wouldn't want my life to be without him...

OTOH, I also didn't know he was a phenomenal cook and that he likes to clean house and a hundred other really cool things...

-g, happy