What would you do in my situation?

[Bernice]

I’m back, at least briefly. I never left the forum with any negative feelings, rather only that I felt I had learned what I could, and did not feel I was contributing significantly. Now, a major crisis brings me “home again” begging for advice. My story won’t start as though it is entirely topical to crossdressing, but I’ll get there soon enough.

To make a very long story short: my younger brother was mugged for his wallet, (uninsured and unemployed) left in a coma for a week in October 2003. Temporarily estranged from his family thanks to the misguided actions of his ex wife, he has been trying to recover from his traumatic brain injury while on Medicaid. He lives 700 miles away in another state, and cannot drive due to seizures. Two weeks ago, his bicycle was stolen. Last week, just like on the Discover channel program “It takes a thief”, professionals ripped the bars off his apartment window, and stole everything of value.

Much as I would like to go there to help him, I am also dealing with care for my mother, who suffered a debilitating stroke in December 2002, and is now in a nursing home 12 miles from our home.

My wife and I have been trying to persuade my brother to move to our home city, so that we can provide support. Two days ago he finally began to see the wisdom of this idea.

Yesterday I lost my job of almost ten years. I am over fifty, with antiquated job skills, and near zero job prospects. I’m looking at prolonged unemployment here.

Thank goodness my wife has a fair job, though her health has been poor of late, and her fourth attempt at cardio-version next month may well be her last hope of a halfway normal life.

I have a legal obligation to my mother to not squander her money. I have only very modest savings (about 8 month’s income). The only way our plans for my brother could work is if he moved in with me and my wife.

My brother doesn’t know about my crossdressing, and keeps no secrets. My mother thinks I “outgrew it” 35 years ago. My mother is extremely hostile to anyone whose behavior she cannot appreciate. She would rewrite her will in a heartbeat, and while I don’t look forward to her demise, my half of her estate would be about five years income.

OK, what would you do? If I take on my brother as a dependent under these stressful circumstances, how do I handle discretion, when there would never be a time or place to be just me?

Hugs,

Bernice

[DonnaT]

Wow Bernice, my condolences for your families set backs and your job loss.

Having a job and offering to let one's brother move in is one thing, but I would have to rethink that if I lost my job.

As for the CDing, well I hid it pretty good from my brothers as a kid, I reckon I could do it again.

Now, back to your brother. Remember, you did ask him to move before you lost your job.

How had you planned on keeping your CDing hidden at that time?

How does he make a living where he is now in order to afford an appartment?

If he is on state assistance, what will happen to that if he moves to another state?

If he is working, will he be able to work where you live?

He had a bike, will he be able to get around your town on a bike?

You'll be getting unemployment, I assume, from the state. If your brother moves in you may or may not be able to claim him as a dependent if he cannot work due to brain injury. Each state has their own rules. You might want to check with the agency on that, as it may tell you whether or not you can afford for your brother to move in.

And to top that off, is your wife's health. I assume you are talking about a cardioverter defibrillator being implanted?

The questions I have here are:

Can your wife handle the stress of your brother moving in?

How long will your wife be able to work if she can't get the implant?

Sure she's fine with the idea, it seems, but you have no idea as to how hard it may or may not be to live with him for an extended period.

Y'all probably should discuss it with her doctor(s).

If your brother isn't working, maybe you could have him visit for a few weeks to see how y'all handle it.

[Loretta Ann]

If I take on my brother as a dependent under these stressful circumstances, how do I handle discretion, when there would never be a time or place to be just me?

I don’t think that is possible. Employment or no employment.

Sorry to hear of your brothers recent situation Bernice.

Also for your current job situation, might be time for a career change. There must be some resources in your community that will help you with things like that? There are in mine.

Any how get some girl time in which should help to offset some of the frustration these trials have caused. Enjoy a little vacation.

Love Darlene.

[Virginia]

Bernice,
Prayers and condolences, honey! Tough situation. Donna has asked a lot of the questions that I am sure you have considered. Just take your time and don't make any rash decisions. I have found it is best to write down the questions and under each the options you have. Like I say it is like a chess game, if you are not in check mate then you have a move! As for Bernice time, are there any support groups in your area and meetings that you can attend? Usually they will provide a dressing area if you choose not to arrive dressed. The other option is a motel/hotel room what for $59.00 + a night with late check-out, Bernice can pamper herself with a nice bubble bath and dress and even go out for an evening or night time ride. We know that girls are the stronger sex, so let Bernice do her thing and you will be pleasantly suprised at how this can all turn out for the best!
All our best, girlfriend.
Virginia

[Beauty]

Hi Bernice,

I'll be brief :: gasp :: I know, I know, me brief?

You are obligated to take care of your mother, but your brother you don't have to. If you had the means and he accepted your CD'ing that would be one thing, but you don't have enough money in the long run to think about asking him to live with you.

The guilt may hurt honey, but the practicality of him coming to your home would be too stressful to imagine, for both you and your wife.

You have a wonderfully beautiful heart. Please only take on what you can. Right now I would strongly advise against taking your brother in. I guess the best I could see you do is finally coming out to your brother.

I wish you the best in whatever decision you make and I will support you in your decision, no matter what. (So much for brief?)

Beauty

[Bernice]

To all who have replied: Thank you! It never stops amazing me how responsive and helpful everyone on this forum is. And it means a lot to me that some of my favorite people from when I was more active are responding again, so quickly. Perhaps I am a slow learner?

How had you planned on keeping your CDing hidden at that time?

I hadn't planned, of course. I guess I though I could move that part off-site - perhaps to a storage locker or something. With no job, that is even less practical.

How does he make a living where he is now in order to afford an appartment?

If he is on state assistance, what will happen to that if he moves to another state?

If he is working, will he be able to work where you live?

He is on Social Security, which barely pays his rent, phone, and utilities. He gets food stamps. His elegibility for all this aid needs to be determined before he moves. The job market here is bad, but mostly I look forward to the day when he can return to work. Then he can move out on his own again, perhaps back to New Mexico.

He had a bike, will he be able to get around your town on a bike?

He is welcome to use mine. I believe he can ride relatively safely. We also have a pathetic subsidized bus system. Until I get a job, I can take him places.

You'll be getting unemployment, I assume, from the state. If your brother moves in you may or may not be able to claim him as a dependent if he cannot work due to brain injury.

Yes to U.I. My tax-preparing wife thought about the dependent issue. This research is on my (growing) list of things to do.

And to top that off, is your wife's health. I assume you are talking about a cardioverter defibrillator being implanted?

You assume amazingly correctly, except I think they call it a pacemaker/defibrillator. Cardioversion is when they stop your heart, and then restart with a big powerful defibrillator, and it usually takes so much energy to restart her heart that she has third (and even some smaller second) degree burns (front and back) for a few weeks afterwards.

Can your wife handle the stress of your brother moving in?

I'd say yes, at least until I lost my job. Now I'm less sure.

How long will your wife be able to work if she can't get the implant?

Nobody knows, or of they do, they aren't saying.

Sure she's fine with the idea, it seems, but you have no idea as to how hard it may or may not be to live with him for an extended period.

He stayed with us for four months back in 1987 (in a smaller house back then). There was suprisingly little friction. The injury has altered his personality, and from what I have observed, I like the new Alan even better.

If your brother isn't working, maybe you could have him visit for a few weeks to see how y'all handle it.

That seems very risky. I think to remain on aid he has to make frequent personal contact. The cost of a visit would approach the cost of a move. If we move him and then we can't handle him in the same house with us, then he gets an apartment - nothing else makes sense.

But I certainly appreciate the thought you put into these questions. You are absolutely right that I need to look very carefully before I leap.

I think the next step is to call my brother and tell him that I lost my job. That may alter his enthusiasm. Still, he needs to get out of that violent neighborhood one way or another, and I have much less enthusiasm for helping him move accross Albuquerque than I do for helping him move here.

Also for your current job situation, might be time for a career change. There must be some resources in your community that will help you with things like that? There are in mine.

Absolutely. Depite 17 years in the same overspecialized field, this is my fourth mid-life crisis career-wise, so I have "experience". Whatever is honest, moral, and fattening, sounds good to me. Later today or tomorrow I will visit the workforce center in person and ask a laundry list of questions.

Any how get some girl time in which should help to offset some of the frustration these trials have caused. Enjoy a little vacation.

I'm in a dress and sandals right now. Too hot for a wig and stockings. With the wife at work (she knows and accepts, of course; she just doesn't appreciate it too much), all I have to watch out for is the postal carrier. And, since I haven't had a real vacation since 2000, I think I will really enjoy this.

The other option is a motel/hotel room what for $59.00 + a night with late check-out, Bernice can pamper herself with a nice bubble bath and dress and even go out for an evening or night time ride.

Uhmm... how much did you think Unemployment Insurance was going to pay? I didn't have that kind of money to squander before I lost my job.

Just take your time and don't make any rash decisions. I have found it is best to write down the questions and under each the options you have.

Yes, I'm going to follow your excellent advice to the letter.

Please only take on what you can. Right now I would strongly advise against taking your brother in. I guess the best I could see you do is finally coming out to your brother.

They say God doesn't give us more than we can handle. Right now I have to wonder if God has an inflated opinion of me.

Alan was eight when I moved away from home. I doubt he remembers my changing his diapers in his mother's dress. I would come out to him again, except he keeps no secrets, or at least I have insufficient confidence that he would.

Again, bless you all. Next to my wife, you (collectively) comprise my closest friends.

Hugs,

Bernice

[Beauty]

Please only take on what you can. Right now I would strongly advise against taking your brother in. I guess the best I could see you do is finally coming out to your brother.

They say God doesn't give us more than we can handle. Right now I have to wonder if God has an inflated opinion of me.

Alan was eight when I moved away from home. I doubt he remembers my changing his diapers in his mother's dress. I would come out to him again, except he keeps no secrets, or at least I have insufficient confidence that he would.

Hey Bernice,

I don't think God's put your brother in your lap, you'd have to go out and get him. If you go out and bring him in I know God would help you make things right because he loves you, but saying he won't give you more than you can handle is usually things like losing your job, taking care of your mom or your wife. Saving your brother will be your decision and something you choose to do. Taking him in would be a selfless act and so I believe he'd bless you, naturally because how kind and sweet you are.

An analogy would be pulling your brother into an elevator cart where it says the maximum weight of something is not to be exceeded by something. In the elevator already is the weight of your own responsibilities to your wife and mom. The building is on fire and rescuers could get back to save him, but things look mighty bad if you leave. Then you pull him because he's your brother, the wires snap and the elevator plummets to the earth. "God, I thought you wouldn't give me more than I can handle?" doesn't seem to apply there either. You have a choice to make. As I said in my first post I will support you no matter what.

I just feel that bringing your brother in under a stressful situation where you don't know what tomorrow is going to bring may be unfair to your wife and mom. You are only one person, but you have the heart of hundreds of good people. I'm asking that you not be decieved by your heart and you act on what you can control and what God has given you to handle.

I wish you the best. I hope you know that!

Beauty

[DonnaT]

I'll pray that your wife is successful in getting her implant.

Loads of good wishes being sent your way!

[CJ]

Hi all,

Bernice,

I can't say what I would do in your situation but, to my mind, the wisest piece of advice here is "respect your own limits." Beauty's elevator analogy is spot on.

Until you've either strengthened the cables of the elevator cabin or offloaded some extra weight, be mindful of how much you're taking on. A "natural helper" (such as a family member or spouse) can often be of service to both self and other but a burned-out helper can help neither self nor other.

I'm sorry to hear you and your family have been going through tough times. I wish you well.

Love,
CJ

[Cathy L. Anderson]

They say God doesn't give us more than we can handle. Right now I have to wonder if God has an inflated opinion of me.

I sympathize, and I think I we all experience this in one way or another. But I have to wonder if the 'problem' isn't so much with God as with ourselves--that is, it is we who have an inflated opinion of ourselves, and that we take on too many things or the wrong things.

Obviously I don't know the details of this situation, but I would definitely encourage you to be very, very careful before letting your brother move in with you.

First, your primary responsibility right now is to yourself and your wife.
Having your brother move in would provide the perfect excuse to avoid dealing with your own challenges. Said another way, losing your job is God's way of requiring growth on your part. *That* is your challenge. Your brother has been given his challenges that he is going to have to face.

The biblical verse, "Why worry about the mote in your brother's...first remove the plank in your own eye. Then you will see clearly enough to remove the mote from your brother's eye" seems relevant. This obviously doesn't mean we should neglect other's genuine needs. But it is a clear reminder that all too often we use other people's needs as a way of neglecting our own.

From what you said, (e.g., that you can't trust your brother to keep a secret,) it sounds like he has his own demons. Those are things you cannot face for him. And to let him live with you is to invite those problems into your own life. And unlike your problems, which you *can* solve, you *cannot* solve your brothers problems--yet they can mess up your life, and your wife's.

The way around any "either-or" dilemma is to discover the excluded third--the alternatives that you haven't yet seen, but which are there. How can you help your brother besides letting him move in? Can you help him with rent? Could he move to your city, but not move in? Can you just call him every two days and chat for an hour? That alone would show a huge degree of love, compassion, support and friendship.

If your mother has money, why can't she part with some of it now to help your brother in a time of need?

Cathy

[Anita]

Hi Bernice--
I can see that it would be tough to get him into a better apartment in the city he's already in. Deposit, first and last, and trying to afford a better neighborhood on limited funds? Very hard to do. And you'd have to travel back and forth to help him pull all of this off.

I had to re-read your initial post to remember the reasons why it seemed like your brother needed to come to your city.

There are just too many "bad timing" issues going on here for you or anyone else to come up with an immediate answer that's going to work well. Cathy's suggestion about the "excluded third" option that can't be seen right away is the best one I know. You really have to get creative at a time like this, and look for the not-yet-imagined and the unconventional.

That can be maddening advice, because it asks you take steps into the unknown, at a time when you feel you're already dealing with too many unknowns. But conventional thinking is boxed in, here--you can see spikes whichever way you turn.

I have examples in my life of taking in a homeless, alcoholic friend, and another example of my girlfriend (at that time) and I finding a new place to live when all practical logic said we shouldn't and couldn't do it.

Both those situations forced me to think outside of what I already knew how to do. The specifics would take way too long to describe, but it does involve trusting that there is some creative help on the other side of rational thought. It's like swimming is carrying out the plan of action, and floating is where you get the strength to keep doing the swimming. I know it seems like you need to dive into the water and rescue your brother, but you may have to "float" for awhile before you'll know the best way to do this.
I hope that your wife can come through OK.

[Bernice]

Thanks again to everyone who has participated in this brainstorming session. You have all certainly expanded my thought process, and enabled me to see varying viewpoints. Many excellent ideas were suggested, some of which, regrettably, just won't work.

Call me a libertarian or even a republican if you must, but socialized medicine and rehabilitation leave a lot to be desired. Simple economics demonstrates that with the concept of "free", everyone becomes a victim and nobody is left to pay the taxes to support everyone being a victim. Thus, socialized medicine and welfare needs a method to distinguish between the genuinely needy and the "victim wannabe's". Thus, mother dares not provide direct financial support for my brother, because that signals the system that my brother doesn't need public assistance, and it would be promptly discontinued. Is the elegibility determination method less than perfect? Yes. Does it have unintended consequences? Yes. Can we collectively change the system? Perhaps. Can we do it in the next month? No.

Mother's financial condition is enviable. It is also, as far as I am concerned, off limits to her offspring. Nobody knows how long she may live, and nobody can be certain that her costs of living won't ever escalate far beyond her retirement income. Furthermore, though enviable, her assets would not fully fund Alan's living expenses and tremendous rehabilitation costs. Since I was first her "power of attorney", my primary fiduciary responsibility is to her. Twisted? Perhaps, but I think anything else would dump tremendous legal liability in my lap.

I love the elevator analogy. If you will permit me some humorous fun with it, I shouldn't take the elevator in a fire anyway. The sign says so. But your point was well received. If I do this, I have to know what I am doing before I do it, and I have to realize the inherent risks.

I also appreciate the warning about burnout. I've been there (burned out) before. (No pun intended with the fire and elevator analogy). It could happen again. I promise to assess my personal condition on a regular basis and to scream for help if I feel I need it.

I'm considering coming out to my brother anyway. He is far more mature now than he was just three years ago. We would all have rather he not been the victim of so much crime, but it has apparently had it's maturing effects. I'll pay close attention to his personality and demeanor, and perhaps introduce him to educational material on the general subject without committing to just how closely relevant this is to him. He's no bigot, nor redneck. If anything, he's a pacifist and tree hugger, with no desire to conform to the typical American consumer mindset. Perhaps I'll manufacture some other secrets for him to keep. I would also explain the potentially catastrophic consequenses of his ever revealing this to our mother. And, I will stress that she would rather be ignorant, allowed to believe what she wants to believe.

Funny, our mother is (at least relatively speaking) a bigot and a redneck, who from time to time projects this trait upon me. (Jungian projection).

So, if Mother did learn of this well kept secret, and wrote me out of the will, how different is that from the movie "Rainman", where the neediest brother inherited all the liquid assets in trust? Alan has virtually nothing. He's 42, and at least temporarily disabled. I'm 51, but I have a loving wife of 29 years, a house that's paid for, and a couple of incredible shrinking 401Ks.

So, anyway, be it folly or just stubborn principle, I am laying the groundwork to make my brother's move a reality. I'll keep you posted. (Again, no pun intended)

Hugs to all,

Bernice

[Bernice]

My brother moved in on August 25. As expected, there have been some problems.

Girl time has been dramatically reduced, though at least twice a week a get a little time to myself. My wife helps with this, bless her heart.

Today my brother is off visiting our mother by himself (is that really possible?). So, with still no job, the house is all mine - until my wife comes home for lunch in a few minutes.

My wife's heart procedeure went well, and she felt much better for a few weeks, and as of her last doctor visit, her heartbeat is once again irregular. Insurance socked us with the entire cost ($2000 deductible).

The basement has sprung a leak, but the heavy rains have stopped. The 17 year old refrigerator is acting really flaky, but most of the time it keeps the milk safe for a few days. I know it is only money, but what do I do when it is all gone?

The job search has been fruitless and infuriating. I saw this amazing quote in Leslie Feinberg's book, from RuPaul: "It's easy for people to label and categorize other people; in this way they make them small, trite, and ultimately inhuman." How true!

There have been a couple of times when I thought I was alone for awhile and had to make some frantic sprints to the bedroom to avoid unexpected company. My heart has eventually stopped pounding each time. Surely you know the feeling?

I am getting too old for this. (as in Lethal Weapon II, III, IV).

Kansas has a new slogan "A Big As You Think". In response to efforts to promote new state pro-hate legislation, a local lesbian lawyer has printed up bumper stickers that say "Kansas - As Bigoted As You Think". I bought some. My brother insists he is sympathetic, but won't allow a bumper sticker on his car.

Anyway, I've missed you all, and I am coping - for now. I think it was the right thing to do.

Hugs,

Bernice

[Virginia]

Bernice,
Honey, you are one strong individual! Can I assume that you draw a lot of strength from Bernice?? I know what Virginia has given me to get me through a lot of rough spots. When I think of all the beauty that Virginia affords me and I think about my wife's attorney calling me insane and a pervert. I have finally let Virginia take over and the attitude is to just shake one's head at the total ignorance that we all have to deal with. Like the "proverbial water off a ducks back!" Just smile a knowing smile and move on!
And I think I agree with your statement that God will not burden us with more than we can handle. SHE is there for us and I have a ref. magnet on our ref. and it simply drives my wife nuts when she sees it. "GOD loves me - don't believe it - Just ask HER!"
We are here for you darlin,
Virginia

[Absaroka]

Bernice I missed this whole thread when it started but I wanted to say that you have apparently found the right thing and done it, and it seems to be working out.

Seems like God wasn't overconfident after all.

To me it seems that you have a good set of priorities also. I wonder if your mom couldn't provide some informal financial help however. Personally I would not feel an obligation for the government to know if I gave my kids money when they needed it. Mine did from time to time, nothing they weren't informed and comfortable with and your brother does seem to have need. I think a lot of mothers would feel that if a mom can't give her injured son money what else would she do with it anyway? But it is her decision I think.

Anyway you are an inspiration.

Andrea