Having trouble-any SO advice?

[Beauty]

Hi Dixie,

The reason I asked you questions about if you would have told her was because we're always advocating telling SOs and you did and got a not so nice return for your openness and honesty, when you couldn't keep it in anymore.

I'm glad you think you still would have told her. I think it's the right thing to do.

I didn't think you'd accept the brave monicker, but you still have it. If you try to wipe it away, you're just rubbing it in. I'm so proud of you and what you've done. Your site, your openness, and your ability to give great advice.

Thank you so much Dixie.

Beauty

[Dixie Darling]

Virginia,

As far as me being "active in our movement" I'm about as active as I CAN be and still be in the circumstances I'm in. The wife knows nothing of my web site, nor of the Yahoo group ("The Secret Wardrobe") that I founded and moderate. It's a LONG drawn out story, but to cut it to as short a version as is possible, I'm convinced that those of us who find ourselves to be crossdressers will, if we dig deep enough, discover that we are CDs for a REASON. That is to say that there are Higher Powers that made the decision for us to be what we are. It takes a lot of soul searching to come to a conclusion like this and when it finally becomes clear to us as individually, the next questions are "Why?" and "What am I supposed to USE this unusual 'gift' for?" In my case I've always had what some refer to as the 'gift of gab' and it's SELDOM that I meet someone that I can't be friends with and talk to. So it dawned on me that maybe. . . . JUST MAYBE. . . . I was destined to be a crossdresser so I could put it to use being a help to those who are struggling with it. And those I'm referring to here are not only the CDs themselves, but especially the wives or girlfriends who discover that their partner is a crossdresser. Furthermore, the adversities that I face on account of being a crossdresser with a non tolerating wife COULD be viewed as 'tests' to prove I'm really serious about providing this help to those who are looking for it. I just quietly keep 'doing my thing' and keep praying that one of these days a light's going to be switched on in my wife's head and she'll be able to see a lot better than she has in the past.

What I would enjoy doing IMMENSELY would be sitting on panels in college classes along with other CDs and answering questions about crossdressing for the class. As I understand it this is something that often occurs in class ciriculums dealing with physiology, culture, human relations, etc. I figure that if we could "educate the intellectuals" and the future counselors, therapists, etc, we would be doing a lot towards helping the TG community become better understood and consequently more accepted than they are at this time in history. Unfortunately, I'm not in a position to do this and probably never will be, but it's something I would enjoy if it was possible. In the mean time I'll just keep doing what I'm doing now and hope that some "devine intervention" will eventually change things.

Dixie

[Nicole Pearce]

Dixie-

Thanks so much for replying to my post. When I saw it was you, I remember thinking 'Isn't she the one with the great webpage with all the advice?'. It kind of took be back seeing that the one who gives the advice to couples by steering them to her website, is having trouble in the marriage department too. I agree with you whole heartedly about the REASON we are like this, and I also believe that we are the soldiers who will help raise the consciousness of this very immature planet. If not us, who? If not now, when? etc.

It does help to know others are going through the same stuff as me. And like you, hope that time is the healer, and it gets our wives to come around and really understand what we are all about. Our society has been so socialized, it seems they can't think with their heart, just their heads.

Anyway, keep up the good fight, for it's all we can really do.

Hugs,
Nicole

[Virginia]

Girls, I think that the previous week of topics and threads we absolutely amazing! The insight, some disagreement, philosophical statements, all given and taken with care and I will add, love and empathy, just shows not only the intelligence of the girls here, but their ability in expressing themselves that no one was offended, but sought only to learn and see how other's opinions and insight might better their (our) understanding of who we are and how we can better manage this "gift" we have.
Love you all,
Virginia

[RobynP]

Hi, Nicole/Kristi,

I was in a similar situation to you a few years back... I was married for about 9 or 10 years when I had to tell my wife (high school sweetheart) about my cding. My desires were intensifying greatly... I wanted to be Robyn all the time. But I couldn't because of family responsibilities. Sound familiar? So one day I told her. She was very angry and upset. We had a very rocky 10 more years where I was escalating my cding, we would be making compromises that I would end up breaking fairly quickly and repeatedly. I don't know how much time and money I spent on therapists... After many years, many fights, many tears, she began to tolerate it, then accept it, and at times even encourage it. But we are now divorced. Why? Basically, it is because there is so much more to a relationship than clothes, or shaving legs, or anything about gender. And when we were fighting about all the little stuff (which seemed reallly big and REALLY important at the time) the big, important stuff was rusting and corroding away... Hindsight is always 20/20.

My desires have worsened (big shock! ) and I find myself wanting to be Nicole all the time. Of course I can't, (due to family responsibilities), but it hasn't helped my wife cope. She is mourning my death (so to speak) and has mentally divorced herself from me. We now sleep in seperate rooms (her idea- can't stand my shaved body) and have not been intimant for a long time and feel we never will again. I do not dress in front of her (though she has seen me dress, and was ok with it for a while-I have never pushed it on her)

Of course she is mourning or grieving the death but not of you but of your relationship and what it has become. She is mourning the loss of her dreams, her fantasies, and her hopes.

You and your wife have made a deal. You shave your body, you sleep in another room, and no more intimacy. You agreed to that. Now you want to break this arrangement? You are getting some of what you want, right? She is getting some of what she wants, right? Both of you are giving up something, right? Sounds like you two have done very well compromising! So what is the problem?

We don't fight about it-she claims she understands that I can't help it, but she is distancing herself from me, and it is literally killing me. She is such a great person. She is and has been my best friend ever since we've been together. I fear our relationship is falling apart, and I don't know what to do. I have suggested she go for counseling, or talk to other SO's in her position. She thinks it won't help. Maybe if some of you could respond to the situation, and I could quote you in an email to her so she could see that she is not alone, and there are others like her.

Is she distancing herself from you or are you distancing yourself from her? Who's desires are escalating? Who wants to change the agreement you two have made?

You are afraid the relationship is falling apart so you have suggested she go to counseling. She says that she understands that you can't help it. Why don't you believe it? Why don't you trust her if she is truly your best friend? So you think SHE needs the help because YOUR needs are escalating??

Put yourself in your wife's shoes for a few minutes... (No, NOT literally...) To her you probably appear very borderline out of control with this obsession or compulsion or whatever you want to call it. You are taking medication. You have already tossed out intimacy as part of your relationship because of your needs and your seem like you are ready to toss the entire relationship. Besides being really pissed she is probably very frightend and scared. She normally would turn to her best friend to help her and comfort her in this troubling time but her best friend is the cause of all this trouble!! How do you think she feels???

I don't want to lose her to this (even though there is nothing I can do to change my self).

Who is asking you to change your self? Do you have to change your self to make the relationship work? I think not... BUT you have to take a very close look at your attitude about your relationship and your behavior in that respect. You CAN control your behavior!

We have talked about getting a vacation home that I could go to once a month. Not sure if we can afford it, but it would help.

I think this would only be a band-aid on a major hemmorage. You would add money problems on top of everything else???

Do you want seriously to fix your relationship? Sit down with your wife when you have uninterrupted time and ask her to tell you about how she sees you, your relationship, your future together. Have her tell you about her fears and worries. And listen, listen, listen. Keep your mouth closed no matter which direction the conversation goes. You have a lot of fence mending to do and you start by understanding as best you can your wife's point of view. If your wife is your best friend and you really do love her, then act like it! Become her best friend again.

Life is so unfair sometimes.

Is this quote from your wife????

(I'm sorry if I sound so harsh or negative towards you... But I've been there, done that, and got the cancelled alimony checks to prove it. Trust me; the hell you are in now is NOTHING compared to the alternative that you are heading towards.)

(One other thing... You might consider trashing your therapist who "thinks" you are a TS and find someone more appropriate, and I'm not talking about a gender therapist either... Or at least get a second opinion somewhere else. )

[Beauty]

Hi Kristi,

I've been doing this a lot this morning (agreeing with what others have said), and again I have to agree with someone. I agree with everything Robyn just said and the advice she's giving you from her own life. You've gotten a lot of loving support here. I feel that Robyn's real life experience and advice will benefit you more than anything. I feel it gels perfectly with the same knocking on your mental door that Dixie did in her post as well.

You are doing quite a bit of wandering and not enough "thinking" about her. Yes, yes, you think about her first all the time and that's why you're upset. I mean thinking about her as far as listening. This is really all about her. You're already doing the you parts. Like Robyn pointed out you have what you want, so who's changing, her or you?

From everything I've read you're changing and you've already been changing a lot already. She must be scared out of her mind. I think the talk Robyn recommended where you shush and listen only will help you out a lot. It won't solve everything, but you're so much in your own head I don't think you're paying attention to what she's really saying. It's time for you to make sure you hear.

Robyn and I don't live in your home or know what the day to day things are, so you could be on target with everything you are saying about the way she's feeling. The way you've communicated here though makes me think you're not hearing her, as much, unless she's says or does things that are negative.

Robyn,

I doubt that was easy to post and I didn't read it as you being upset. I read it as you giving advice in a very strong way to someone who needs to hear the truth about what's actually going on.

I wanted to say something, but with my wife being an accepting wife of the changes I'm making I didn't feel I could really say much. Your feelings are in line with the way I feel and are based on reality. Not only were they your reality they are the reality of many of my online and real life TG'd friends.

Thank you for your post to Kristi it was more loving than critical.

Beauty

[Kay(SO)]

Robyn,

From an SO, I have to say that your post was one I will keep. YOU actually do "get" how some SO's feel, after going through the experience you went through. All I can say is way to go, job well done, bravo and if it comes across as sounding harsh, well, sometimes that's how the truth can sound. I'm sorry for the way things turned out from you but it's wonderful of you to use that experience to help others.

Thanks for saying so much and for understanding the need to see things from the SO's perspective or wearing our shoes.

Kay(SO)

[Rikki]

Reading this thread makes me so nervous. I have been longing to open up to my wife for many years about my cd'ing. Standing on the edge of such a decision makes that first step even higher when I read all of your accounts. My love and respect for my family continues to keep me from taking that step which deep down I feel would only be taken for me.

So I guess for now, Rikki will remain in the closet and the fem-time cherished like a fine wine, small sips to be savored at special moments. rr

[Kay(SO)]

Rikki,

It all comes down to what your relationship is like without the CDing being a part of it as it how things will go. If you love each other, respect one another, can communicate honestly and openly, and if she is able to get over the initial shock and feelings of betrayal, then you have nothing to worry about. Again for me and my husband it's always come down to the compassion that we can find for each other, attempts to understand and never ending communication about everything. Oh yea, and the patience of Job. The patience has been key in my ability to support my husband. His patience with my need to take things in baby steps. The issue really is that we can't predict the outcome or how people are going to react and for that, I completely understand your fear and apprehension about telling your wife. It could go either way. Only you can decide if you can take the risk of it turning out badly. I wish you the best of luck on your journey, whichever way you decide to go. It takes courage to travel that path in my opinion but, it's one of the things I find I respect most about my husband. Whether I like it or not, I'm glad he told me and allowed me the opportunity to decide and figure out if I could live with it or not. For that I'm grateful everyday.

Kay(SO)

[RobynP]

Reading this thread makes me so nervous. I have been longing to open up to my wife for many years about my cd'ing. Standing on the edge of such a decision makes that first step even higher when I read all of your accounts. My love and respect for my family continues to keep me from taking that step which deep down I feel would only be taken for me.

So I guess for now, Rikki will remain in the closet and the fem-time cherished like a fine wine, small sips to be savored at special moments. rr

Rikki,

When we hold back from our spouse or SO something as important as CDing, we do damage to our relationship and to ourselves. Some wives are more hurt by the not telling than by the CDing. And each day helps grow that hurt. It also perpetuates the myth that there must be something wrong "otherwise he would have told me before..."

But I do understand your fear and reluctance to open up. It is terrifying and stressful to carry this secret inside. I hid "my secret" from my wife for many years. When I did tell her, I was very frighted. I didn't have the Internet or "My Husband Betty" (or even Virginia Prince) for help. I knew there were other crossdressers out there somewhere, but I had never met one or talked to one.

Rikki, I urge you and any other CDers hiding this secret to stop hiding. How would you like it if your wife didn't tell you something VERY IMPORTANT and kept it to herself and some of her electronic friends? Would you be mad that she didn't tell you? didn't share with you? didn't confide in you? didn't TRUST you???

So often we think of marriage as a combat sport, us against them, men vs. woman, negotiation, compromise. But when we got married, we were signing up to be on the same team, to work TOGETHER, to be TOGETHER, to be best friends, to be intimate friends. Holding back something so important contradicts the marriage promise. (I didn't realize this until long after my divorce...)

Now there is a right way and a wrong way to disclose your secret. ("Damn the torpedoes! Full speed ahead!" is probably not a good way to tell...) Also, you must be prepared mentally and emotionally for any possible reaction. You have to understand that there has already been damage done by not telling. How much damage? Is it repairable? It all depends... It probably wouldn't hurt to discuss the fact that it was wrong for you to keep this secret for so long and that you want to work together to fix the mess you've created.

It often strikes me as funny in that we try so hard to perfect our appearance as a women or "to pass" as best as possible, yet we often continue to carry so much male "baggage" and attitudes about relationships....

[Kay(SO)]

Robyn,

Keep these kind of posts coming lady! Again, your words are so insightful and say what the SO's reality is and our truths.

This is the best thing I've read yet:

When we hold back from our spouse or SO something as important as CDing, we do damage to our relationship and to ourselves. Some wives are more hurt by the not telling than by the CDing. And each day helps grow that hurt. It also perpetuates the myth that there must be something wrong "otherwise he would have told me before..."

It's true too. Many wives are more hurt by the deceit than the CDing itself and the fact that they weren't trusted enough to be let in on who you really are. Not only do the suddenly feel like they never knew you at all but you are so right about how we immediately think there must be something wrong or you wouldn't be hiding it.

For myself, I was able to find the compassion because I looked at how awful it must have been to live all of these years in hiding, unable to feel whole openly, feeling huge amounts of shame and guilt, not to mention embarrassment when his ex-wife outed him in open court and to their 8-year old son, calling him a pervert and sick. To this day his son doesn't speak to him and he's 24-years old. This, after he won custody of the boy and he raised him.

Anyhoo, you seemed to have learned so much from your negative experiences with your own marriage and it's wonderful that you are able to articulate your growth to help other's. THAT'S what a support group is all about. And this is even more paramount in a mixed group like this one. To have a CD'r and who is able to understand and share how we feel or what we go through is extremely exciting to me and so helpful to many. I am so glad that you are here and please keep sharing.

Hugs!

Kay(SO)

[Nicole Pearce]

Hi Gals!

Sorry I haven't replied to these posts. I have been on a vacation to DC and New York. As soon as I am able, I will respond to what has been written. While in NY, I purchased 'My Husband Betty', and am over half way through it. Great read! I recommend it! I am definitely going to have my wife read it. We did have a great time together on the trip (along with my 14 year old daughter), which was a good thing considering the distance between us the weeks before. I'll write more soon. Hugs to you all, and thanks for posting!! I really appreciate all who have tried to help me!

Nicole

[Nicole Pearce]

Hello gals-

First off, I would like to thank all of you who have responded. This forum is so great. I especially want to thank those of you who have pm'ed me offering your support to my wife. You are truly special.

We just returned from a 2 week vacation to the east coast (we are from the west coast) and we had a wonderful time. The topic of Nicole only came up once when my wifes aunt was giving my wife some shoes she didn't want anymore, and she asked me to try some on to see if they'd fit. I was shocked, and did-but they didn't fit (lol). I guess my point is, we get along great- she knows I didn't choose who I am- and she is doing the best she can to deal with it even though she struggles with it a lot.

She has seen the happiness in my eyes when I'm Nicole, and she has witnessed the grumpiness when I'm not. She knows what it means to me. What is hard for her, is she realizes there is nothing she can do about it- and I realize the same, but give her the space she needs so it is not in her face.

If that means we have to sleep apart, I guess I can deal with it if she can. I do miss the closeness we used to share, but I believe with time, we can recover it again. Only time will tell.

Robyn, I appreciate the wisdom you are trying to pass on to me. I do believe that those who have went through it can see it more clearly than those of us who haven't. I must say though- that as it is not a choice, and we can only do what we can do without going utterly insane- coping is different for everyone, and each situation is unique, though similar. I do not force anything on my wife or whine to her that I'm not happy with the way things are. I think I am doing pretty well under the circumstances at trying to live as 'normal' a life as I can with my spouse and children. I also believe that we should try and be happy, and even though others may not understand why we do what we do, at least they can see that we are happier with ourselves when we don't deny who we are.

I have lived with this my whole life (nearly 50 years), and I still haven't figured out what's going on. BUT, I do know that I have a chance to educate people who have this belief that everything is black and white. It's NOT!! And if I'm the only one who will teach them acceptance and tolerance, then I am willing to help them knowing it may not be good for me relationship wise, but very valuable for them in the long run.

We are all going to die within 100 years, and it is my belief, that when we meet again in the afterlife, all those people we helped down the path are going to be high fiving us for doing such a great thing for them. So, we might have to go through some tough stuff now, but in the big picture, if we are the ones raising the consciousness of this planet- that is way cooler than concerns of this plane of existence.

Does that mean we ignore the people we love and just do our own thing?
No- We do have compassion, and that is the guide to help us make the right choice for everyone involved. Sometimes that means that people split up- a sad thing from this perspective. But when you look at it from the perspective of eternity (I didn't mean tfor this to be a religious post), it really doesn't matter. Just a blip on the radar so to speak.

So I guess what I am trying to say is- We all just need to do the best we can with the cards we've been dealt. If we are always trying to do our best for all concerned (including ourselves), then what will be wiil be.

Sorry this went so long- I guess I got on a role. I'll try and keep everyone updated on the life and times of Nicole and spouse. Thanks aagin for your concern-

Hugs-
Nicole (aka Kristi)

[Rikki]

Robyn, et al,
Thanks so much for your sincere and encouraging replies to my comment. Even that first baby-step looks like a cliff-dive!! Good news is that since kids have moved out to college and boy friends (gulp), my wife has become very romantic again. It's taken me time to adjust to this after 20+ years of children, her trials with cancer, her desires have been low at best. Life is good!! Maybe I will continue my moves at disclosure without pushing any strong needs to be "out" to the world.

You are all such a wonderful support team. Enjoy the day!!

[Sallee]

Hi Nicole
I hope you can work things out with your SO But it does seem like you have let the CDing take over and your wife married a man. I love to dress and have a wife which use to put up with it more than she does now, but she had known since the begining.(she found my stash) things change. Anyway I have just come to the realization that CDing is a fun hobby and it can be compulisive but I have to keep it under control. Therapy can help. Good luck I know evey one is different. and marriages take work I hope you can work it out
Your web site is great...Sallee