THE OFFICIAL: Bad Jokes Thread #1 ** LOCKED **

[Carolynn]

Q:Have you heard of that disease that you get from kissing birds?

A:Chirpes. It's one of those canarial diseases. I hear it's untweetable.

[DonnaT]

A new guy in town walks into a bar and reads a sign that hangs over the bar: FREE BEER FOR THE PERSON WHO CAN PASS THE TEST! So the guy asks the bartender what the test is.

Bartender: 'Well, FIRST you have to drink that whole gallon of pepper tequila, the WHOLE thing at once AND, you can't make a face while doing it. SECOND, there's a 'gator out back with a sore tooth...you have to remove it with your bare hands. THIRD, there's a woman up-stairs who's ever had an orgasm. You gotta make things right for her.

Man: Well, as much as I would love free beer, I won't do it. You have to be nuts to drink a gallon of pepper tequila and the requirements get crazier from there.

Well, as time goes on and the man drinks a few, he asks, 'Wherez zat teeqeelah?' He grabs the gallon of tequilla with both hands, and downs it with a big slurp and tears streaming down his face. Next he staggers out back and soon all the people inside hear the most frightening roaring and thumping, then silence. The man staggers back into the bar, his shirt ripped and big scratches all over his body. 'Now' he says 'Where's that woman with the sore tooth?'

[Beauty]

LOL!!!!

Hey???? You put that joke in the wrong thread!!!!

Beauty

[Carolynn]

Crossdresser hears about a big sale at her favorite department store. Decides to see what she might find. As she arrives, she sees the nicest dress in the store window. Finds a clerk, and says " Excuse me, but if you don't mind I would like to try on that outfit in the Window."

"Oh no you don't"! says the harried clerk. You gotta use the dressing rooms just like everone else!!"

[Beauty]

Did you make that up yourself?

[Kyra]

Four men were bragging about how smart their cats were.

The first man was an Engineer, the second man was an Accountant, the third man was a Chemist.....and the fourth man was a Government Employee.


To show off, the Engineer called his cat, "T-square, do your stuff."

T-square pranced over to the desk, took out some paper and pen and promptly drew a circle, a square, and a triangle. Everyone agreed that was pretty smart.

But the Accountant said his cat could do better. He called his cat and said, "Spreadsheet, do your stuff."

Spreadsheet went out to the kitchen and returned with a dozen cookies. He divided them into 4 equal piles of 3 cookies.............Everyone agreed that was good.

But the Chemist said his cat could do better. He called his cat and said,"Measure, do your stuff."

Measure got up, walked to the fridge, took out a quart of milk,, got a 10 ounce glass from the cupboard and poured exactly 8 ounces without spilling a drop into the glass.

Everyone agreed that was pretty good.


Then the three men turned to the Government Employee
and said, "What can your cat do?"

The Government Employee called his cat and said..."Coffee Break....do your stuff."

Coffee Break jumped to his feet..........

ate the cookies...................

drank the milk........

pooped on the paper............................

screwed the other three cats........................

claimed he injured his back while doing so................

filed a grievance report for unsafe working conditions...

put in for Workers Compensation...............

and went home for the rest of the day on sick leave.............

[Carolynn]

Hey Beauty, True Story, Really!!!!

[Loretta Ann]

Whenever I feel blue,

I start breathing again.

[Lorna]

Here's an oldie but a goodie...

Two guys in a health club locker room, one is putting on pantyhose.

The first guy asks, "Since when do you wear pantyhose?"

The second guy replies, "Since my wife found them in the glove compartment!"

[Carolynn]

Q: Why does it take longer to run from second base to third base than it takes to run from first to second?

A: Because you have a short stop between second and third.

From my non-baseball wise 5 year old grandnephew, but he did pretty good to repeat the joke. Gonna take after his dad, his grandad, and me with the jokes, I think!! You know, stinkers!!!

[Carolynn]

Evidence has been found that William Tell and his family were avid bowlers. However, all the league records were unfortunately destroyed in a fire.

Thus we'll never know for whom the Tells bowled.

[Beauty]

[Kyra]

Two cowboys from Texas walk into a roadhouse to wash the trail dust from their throats. They stand at the bar drinking and talking about current cattle prices. Suddenly, a woman at a nearby table, who is eating a sandwich, begins to cough.

After a minute or so, it becomes apparent that she is in real distress.

One of the cowboys looks at her and says, "Kin ya swaller?" The woman shakes her head, no. "Kin ya breathe?" The woman begins to turn blue and shakes her head.

The cowboy walks over to the woman, lifts up the back of her dress, yanks down her panties, and runs his tongue all over her butt cheeks in a circular motion. The woman is so shocked, that she has a violent spasm and the obstruction flies out of her mouth. As she begins to breathe again, the cowboy walks slowly back to the bar and takes a drink from his beer.

His partner says, "Ya know, I'd heard of that there 'Hind Lick Maneuver,' but I ain't never seen nobody do it."


Kyra

[DonnaT]

[Beauty]

That didn't belong in the bad jokes thread.