Life as I know it - Loooong Post

[Beauty]

I'm really glad you did read that link. From the looks of it not a lot of people did.

I asked my wife to read that web page (she hates reading things on the web) and it even shook her a little. I could see it in her eyes. Still, I asked her after reading how hard that one woman has it if she'd support me if that were my decision and she said yes.

I'm not sure I'll find out if she's telling the truth, but who knows, ya' know?

Wow Beauty, you took a big chance having your wife read the link, IMHO.

I know if my wife read it, upon my request, her first thought would be, "Why did he want me to read this? Is he planning ongoing further than promised?"

I hope the look in your wifes' eyes weren't because of similar thoughts, and that you made it a point to let her know exactly why you asked her to read it, and that you you had no plans on taking your transition further.

As for the story, maybe a discussion in a new thread?

The quote above was from Kay's awesome thread.

Here's the link Donna was referring to and Donna was right. This did deserve another thread.

http://www.transfamily.org/brave.htm

Ok, so this is something I've been wanting to tell you all for about two weeks, but I didn't want to say anything until I talked to Sharon(SO).

In my last visit to the therapist I revealed the only reason I hadn't transitioned was because I was too fearful and thought I'd be selfish for living my life the way I want to when I have a loving wife, proud parents, and grandparents that know me as a son, husband, and grandchild. That was the first time I'd ever really told anyone that (when I told my therapist).

Of course my mouth wasn't saying anything, but in reality my actions were. Laser hair removal and taking t-blockers were telling me something more than being a CD'r was at hand. Friends kept asking me, "What are you doing?" When I couldn't explain my actions I decided to talk to a professional who knew about GID. I felt and feel very comfy with being called a transgenderist, but maybe there's more in my future?

I realize I am now an SOs nightmare. I'm so sorry to all of the SOs here. I'm hoping you'll forgive me. I promise I'm telling you as soon as I could. As soon as I knew. I haven't been lying to any of you. I've been calling myself more than a CD'r for quite a while now. I feel guilty about telling all of you as strongly as I feeling guilty about my family. I'm really scared right now because I don't know which way is up. I hope you can accept my apology.

I do also know I love my wife and there's no way I'd transition without her approval. Exactly one day after I came out to my therapist and I was living with a lot of depression about what I said, I still wasn't ready to tell my wife. I didn't want to scare her. This confession to my therapist did not mean I was going to have GRS tomorrow. Regardless fate pushed me to tell her.

I had fallen asleep upstairs, but woke up and came in the computer room to check the forum. My wife called to me and asked me to come down and watch a Sex Change special on Discovery. I'd seen most of them, but this one was new. While we're watching it she keeps saying, "That's you.. that's so you. Why don't you admit it babe, you're a TS." and so I blurted out, "Because I don't want to lose you." and she said in a puzzled voice, "You wouldn't lose me?"

I wanted to rewind live time, but she reinforced it by saying that if she wanted to leave me she would have left when I got laser hair removal, but it made me happy and that's what she wanted. Then she said if she wanted to leave me she would have when I started taking t-blockers. She said again she didn't because she only wants me to be happy. I feel the same way about her happiness and I prove it everyday with my actions (she confirms I do, I'm not talking with a big head, I promise). Anyway, I was really freaked out the rest of the day because of her confession about the steps I'd taken and how with each one she evaluated if she wanted to be in our relationship anymore. That was pretty heavy. On top of that, for so long I had used my wife as my wall of "no changes allowed" and here she had removed it in one conversation.

So when I read that article the next day (the link above) I wanted her to understand what she was saying. The life she just said, "I don't mind" about was a life that wasn't full of great times. It was full of struggle. I didn't want to hide that from her. I wanted her to read what it would be like. I could tell after she read it she was pretty shaken up, but I felt that was a good thing. Reality only please. We talked about it for a few minutes, but I could see she was freaked, so I just let her do her own thing for the rest of the evening.

I interpreted her freaked out self as a major negative and got depressed that she had a day epiphany and was back to the wall of "no change". I'll admit part of me was relieved, but a bigger part of me also loved the idea that I knew I was going to have my own personal freedom to decide what to do. For an evening I mourned the loss of that freedom. Besides, I thought, even if she did accept me if I transitioned. Marriages after that are few and far between. So I looked at is as a positive for us staying together.

The next day I asked her what changed her mind in the article. She again inquired in the same tone she used when I told her I didn't want to lose her the day before. She asked, "Who said I changed my mind? If you want to transition I'm not going to leave you." I felt my heart smile again, but my face didn't smile. I was kind of like, "but.. but" and she affirmed that I needed to get a grip because she never said she changed her mind. She said she said she may ask me to stop for a bit, "no more changes while she deals with a new step", but she was committed to what she had said before that she's not going anywhere.

Just like the day after I told my psychologist why I hadn't transitioned, I didn't rejoice after my wife told me she'd be ok with it. Today is no different that yesterday. It has 24 hours in it and I'm not rushing into anything. I love my wife, I love my friends, and I love my family. I owe it to myself to stay on the same course of changing, as long as I think it's what I need to do. I'll continue to change things slowly and if it happens that I decide to cross over and am a TS then I'll face that. Right now it feels like I am a TS. That's so weird to say, but this is life as I know it. We'll see or I'll see what happens.

I'd be lying if I didn't say I was happy I have my wife's support. I really have told her every step of the way how I felt. I didn't get facial hair removal without consulting with her first and I didn't take the t-blockers behind her back, I talked to her about taking them first. She has been involved in every decision I've made about my gender changes.

I won't really be sharing my TS journey here as this is a place for CD'rs. I can still do my job here and relate with others here. I will always relate with CD'rs, always! I'll keep my site updated with my progress and there are plenty of TS forums out there.

Just like my belief in religion I'm not a converter. We are each here to live our own lives. More than ever I see a HUGE line between CD'rs and those who transition. I can assure the SOs here that their hubby's are really CD'rs and aren't bending the gender line as I have.

I also plead with anyone who is more than a CD'r and knows it on the inside that you are honest with your wives always. They are our best friends. We have to be honest with them and accept their decisions. Everyday I realize my wife may change her mind, but at least I didn't keep anything from her. I don't have to live with regret. When I say regret I mean I don't have to live with the regret of wondering if she would have stayed if I had been honest. Deceit shows contempt for love. Love your wife and be honest, even if it hurts.

Coming out to you all was pretty tough, but I wanted to do it here first because you are all my family too. Please remember I haven't changed. I'm still the same me I was before. I'm just not done growing yet. I may not change my birth sex. I may still decide what I did was too much, but I'm happy I have the freedom and support of my wife to find out.

Thanks to anyone who read this. I love everyone here so much. Thank you to Rikki, CJ, and Sally for your support last week. You all really helped me keep it together. Thank you Donna for the segue I needed to talk about this on the forum.

Beauty

[Jan W]

Beauty, good luck to you and your wife on this your greatest jouney.

You know we are all behind you every step of the way.

Love,

Jan

[Virginia]

Well, honey, here goes another box of kleenex!!! You are one beautiful person, Beauty!! I can only pray you find your desire!
I know when I found this "Island in the Stream." I was told "It ain't gonna go away." So grasp it, hug it, love it, share it and if anyone here represents that gift it is you and you have made a lot of us the better for it.
I will not dwell on this as you know what you must do and only you can make the final choices. You know your sisters are here for you and hope you will continue to be there for us. You shoulder a big responsibility, but I don't know another woman that could handle it as well as you!!!
Love you,
Virginia

[Elizabeth]

Beauty,

You did not mention it, but being a person who is more than a crossdresser, I know you are feeling this incredible sense of releif. I am happy for you. I know you have many more ups and downs, and may indeed not yet know where you are headed.

I just want you to know, and I am sure I speak for my sisters here, we will always be here for you, no matter the label. While we here may see the line between TS and crossdressers, the rest of the world does not, and in that regard, we will be here to support you on your journey, where ever it may lead you.


Well done!!!!!!!!

Love always,
Elizabeth

[Loretta Ann]

Beauty You are one very fortunate person.

To have a wife that loves you like this. You might just be surprised at what the future holds for you. You are in the best kind of environment possible. Embrace the love that your wife is providing, soak it up, and live in it. Get to know it well and that is what will guide you. You will not go wrong. You have a very intelligent wife.

I repeat nothing better in this world could have happened to you. Enjoy.

Love,
Darlene.

[Beauty]

Hi everyone,

Thank you. I'm still afraid and stuff for the SOs reactions, but I'm very happy you are all supporting me while I go through this discovery phase in finding out who I am.

Elizabeth I'm sorry you missed me saying I was more than a CD'r. I've said it on several occasions. I guess not enough, huh?

I started admitting it in CJ's "Are You A Transgenderist" thread. I also said I wasn't a TS too, but there were a lot more times that I referred to myself as someone who was not only a CD'r.

http://crossdressers-haven.com/forums/v ... php?t=1856

Thanks again everyone!

Beauty

[Angie]

Beauty,

TS, TG, CD'r or however we may choose to label ourselves, you're still Beauty to me. There are probably many on the site who have answered the poll "Would you be a woman if you could?" in the negative, while deep down questioning that response. Please keep us posted about your journey as much as you feel comfortable doing so. I know it would certainly help me think through my own set of questions.

You have been such a fount of encouragement and good advice. Consider this revelation as your reward, girl! Keep things in focus and know that we're here to lend and ear or offer a hug.

I AM SO HAPPY FOR YOU!!!! ,
Angie

[Kyra]

Wow, Beauty...
That must have been difficult. Thanks for being honest with us. You are definitely one special person. I applaud you for your integrity. And I commend your wife too! She's in for a difficult journey (as you well know). One thing I have always admired in you was your honesty. I can see why your wife stands by you in your decisions. Good luck, girl. I wish you the very best.
As for me, I think I'll be all right just as long as you...
DON'T EVER LEAVE THIS FORUM!!!! Too many people love you too dearly!
This is your home too.

Love,
Kyra

[Anne]

I am happy that you have found your path and that your wife is there with you!

Please, please don't leave here though. While there are TS forums like Susans, etc. You make life here so very special for who you are, not what you are.

My best, always, Anne

[Sally]

Hi Beauty,

As you and I have discussed many times, it's not an easy road to travel and thankfully it's not in some ways, because if it were easy, then a lot of people who were not meant to go down that road would try, and the consequences can be quite unpleasant for people if it wasn't meant to be. It causes enough angst as it is if it's our true vocation, and there comes a time for some when the road gets too narrow to do a U turn successfully if it wasn't meant to be.

I wish you and your wife all the best for your future and no doubt we'll stay in contact as your journey progresses, but I just want to publicly say at this point in time that you've been a genuine comfort for so many (including myself) over a long period of time, and people so valuable as yourself to the cause are needed in the frontline for the good and comfort of many people, and I believe your presence is invaluable to this place, both as a moderator and a general contributor. Even if our destiny decrees we have to take these actions (as you're taking) to fulfill our life, we have lived our previous years as a CD, and the knowledge and experience we gain during those years may contain information which someone else is really looking for, and that opportunity shouldnt be lost to them by you leaving.

I've been asked on more than one occaison, why, as a person in transition I stay interacting with a CD forum. One reason is that I know there are many people who believe they are more than a CD and I hope that it's those people who I may be able to help, by my experiences, to try and sort their true vocation out. Most people who believe they are TS at some time in their life, turn out not to be. I believe it's these people who are more in need of profiting by someone elses' experiences than those who turn out to be genuine TS, as there's so many other places a true TS can go to fulfill their needs, and unfortunately, it's a truism that many TS places frown upon those who don't align with their needs or thinking, and it's very sad that some people rate themselves above others. I've said this before and I say again, if my presence here makes anyone (men or women) uncomfortable then I'll leave and no offence taken.

I wish you well and as you know, there's no rush, it's not a race. There will be people who know you who will accept you, and there'll be some who won't. Only you will know those people who matter so much to you, they'll influence your decision making without them having to say a word. No one can tell you this but yourself. I know you love your wife as deeply as I do mine, and maybe as time goes on, you'll both find there are some issues which she may find difficult to come to terms with (as happened with my wife and I) and thereby the true test of love from both sides comes into play. I found that as we reached each hurdle I was more easily able to fulfill my wifes compromises than mine ( as you do), because loving my wife as I do and her being the innocent party after the event (our marriage), I just couldn't live with the hurt in her eyes which sometimes appeared, although having said that, she's always verbally supported me since she became aware of my gender conflicts, and she's always said she will live with 'come what may', but some things I'm not prepared at this stage of my life to try to prove right or wrong. I wish you both well and every happiness.

Kind Regards,

Sally.

[Anita]

Hi Beauty--
You gave all us (including your wife) as much information as you yourself knew at any given time, so I certainly don't see any wish to deceive anyone. At times, we all wrestle with doubts about just where we're at on this TG spectrum, and we don't neccesarily talk about those times to ones close to us.

A few months ago I was telling the forum that I was trying to just live day-to-day with this. Looking too far into the future was hurting me. Right now my transsexual feelings are quiet, and I'm getting along OK.

Your post is very descriptive, and I could identify with many of those feelings. Both relief and depression at the same time, and the news that she'd had to weigh each step you took with a decision about leaving--that would be heavy for me, too.

She's in your corner right now, and that is a real gift.

[Beauty]

Hi Angie, Kyra, Anne, Sally, and Anita,

You are all so very kind. Thank you so much for your support.

I have no idea what today or tomorrow will bring, but it's great to have friends. Thank you, thank you, thank you.

Beauty

[CJ]

Hi all,

Beauty,

I, too, applaud your courage and honesty.

Every SO's nightmare? Every SO's nightmare is being partnered to a person who's insensitive, out of touch, dishonest, and uncaring. You, my dear, are none of this.

Though you and your wife may face trials in the months and years ahead, the fact that you both value honesty and communication will be a great help.

Remember: Beauty is in the heart and in the mind and in the soul. Please don't leave this forum.

Love,
CJ

[Curly(SO)]

Beauty...I agree with CJ...you are sooo not every SO's nightmare!

Of course, your post has made me stop and think 'what if?' I'll be totally honest here...it really doesn't freak me

You have my support and admiration. Good luck to you both, I hope you stay here too!

Love,
Curly(SO)

[Kay(SO)]

Beauty,

You know that I tend to be the chatty type but I have but one thing to say, okay maybe two, to you.

I love you sweetie. It doesn't matter to me what you say or do, I feel a closeness, respect, admiration, love and friendship for you and that is not going anywhere. I hope I can offer you any kind of support for whatever comes your way in life and just know that I'm her for you if you need me for anything at all. You're one of my favorite girlfriends! Now breathe darlin!

Kay(SO)