Today I went out again, except this time in full dress. I had on new coulettes(pastel pink floral) pink knit top, long pink earrlings with pink stars on them, the usual accessories. My son went with me. I really felt like a girl. I finally felt like I was being true to myself. Yes it was just a quick trip to the grocery store, but it might as well have been Madison Square Garden with me at center court.
So? Are we girls, or are we just kidding ourselves?
Love always,
Elizabeth
I have been in girls clothes ever since. With the exception of a few court appearances and a few school fucntions, I have exclusively worn girls clothes for a year now.
I remember when I got here, someone suggested that I dress for a week to see if it really suited me. I can now report that it really suits me. I am living my life as a woman now or perhaps more correctly, dressed as a woman.
All I know is that since I decided to dress how I feel, none of my fears have been realized and my life has done nothing but improve. I divorced my non-accepting wife, met, fell in love with, and subsequently marriied Raven(SO) who not only accepts me, but openly supports me. Two of my children live with me, the 18 year old and the 14 year old boys and both are totally accepting. My youngest son 11 accepts me, but lives with his mother and my oldest daughter accepts my transgenderedness, but took sides with my wife in the divorce which has strained our relationship.
So if this was a test, all I can say is that it was easy. Must have been the 30+ years of studying I did. Anyways, thanks to all my sisters here for all the support you have given me. I couldn't have done it without you.
Thanks girls. Everthing is really working in my life right now. I realize that not working makes this much easier than it would be otherwise, but I pay a price for it.
In fact a big part of me coming out full time had a lot to do with my illness. My job was a huge part of who I was. It was a great source of self esteem as well as the fact that I made a lot ot money.
When my illness got so bad that I had to stop working, I was in total denial. Even though I knew there was no cure for Fibromyalgia, I convinced myself that after a few motnths off, I would be rested and my life would return to normal.
But instead I had done so much injury to my body, I continued to get worse. I was practically bed ridden. And being a strong person my whole life, it was very difficult to learn to stop doing things as simple as carrying my laundry, so I would not hurt later.
When I finally stopped doing everything physical, I finally started improving ever so slightly. It was then I realized I would never return to my old job. I would never return to my old life. It was devasting, and I fell into a serious depression.
It is unclear whether or not people with Fibromyalgia have depression because of the pain and fatigue and dealing with it on an unending basis, or it is directly a symtom of the illlness, but either way, it is contually present in people with this illness.
It was when I returned to college to start refreshing math courses I have already taken and accepted that my life was going to take a different turn that I made a decision to confront something I was hoping to take the my grave.
That being my transgenderedness. My marriage was already in shambles and I knew it was not going to last. I had begun to confront my illness, something I had previously hidden from, when it dawned on me.
That if I could handle losing my physical ability, my means of supporting myself, a great source of self esteem for me? I could confront anything. That is how I found my way here.
It was barely longer than 3 months from the time I joined here as a member, and the time I started dressing full time. Now i am not suggesting that others should follow me, but rather point out the great power of healing that this place has.
Indeed, like my other sisters have pointed out, there are huge consequences. I would like to point out that I was already estranged from my parents, all but one of my siblings, my marriage was in shambles, and I could no longer work. There was not a lot of bad things that could happen to me that had not already happened.
But out of my dispair I was strengthened and the people here had a lot to do with that. I used to think that being a crossdresser made me a bad person. That I had some defect that made me an unacceptable person, to the entire world. It was not until my arrival here, and finding "my own kind" that I realized I was not a defective person.
It was shocking to find out not only there were others like me, but the incredible number of people who were like me. And I have to be honest here. Not only did I not think the members here were not defective, I found them to be some of the most intelligent, emotional, eloquent, loving and spiritual people I have ever come across in my life.
I wanted to be like all of you. I wanted to be ok with myself. I wanted to love myself. I wanted to want to live again. And after a year in a dress, I understand now, quite clearly, why I was so angry most of my life. Why I had to be right, why I had to be better at everything or at least try. And why life seemed so much easier for everyone else, than it did for me.
It was because I was living my life in a role, instead of living my life as the person I was meant to be. This is who I am. Thankyou all for helping me figure that out.
Thanks for all the encouragement. I really just feel like me now. I thoght I could never live my life as myself and now I can not imagine living any other way.
The important thing is you are happy and living life the way you want. The fact you stuck to it for one whole year proves it is what you want and what makes you happy. Many more happy years!
Well, Elizabeth, let me jump on the bandwagon here; if this was, indeed, a test, you passed it with flying colours (and delicate fabrics, I might add! ). Congrats on discovering the shape of your own soul.
Love,
CJ
P.S.
By the way, what happened with the whole phone thing? Seems we're having trouble connecting.
). Congrats on discovering the shape of your own soul. 
