How my life has changed since coming out and dressing 24/7

Elizabeth · Post by **Elizabeth** » Thu Aug 18, 2005 4:10 pm

Hi girls,

Recent posts that have talked about what one might expect if one were to transition as well as a host of insightful posts by Beauty, Darlene, and Cj among others to lengthy to list here, has had me thinking about all the ways my life has changed since coming out of the closet and dressing 24/7.

The most profound change is that I no longer feel guiltly or ashamed of who or what I am. I don't have to hide anything. Everyone I know, as well as everyone I come in contact with knows I am a crossdresser. I never realized just how much stress this put on my life, but not having it anymore(the stress of hiding it) has made a huge difference in my well being both mentally and physically.

I have also found that not having to have a fake personna has allowed me to be the person I really am. No longer pausing to ask myself "what would a man say?" or "what would a man do in this circumstance?". Not that all of my mannerisms are female, they are not, but I just don't have to think about it anymore. I can just respond how I feel.

This in turn has allowed me to experience me, the real me. I find that I am much more emotional now. When a movie makes me sad or emotional I cry, I don't hold it in. I now take the time to really listen to others around me. Before I usually was just waiting for them to shut up so I could speak. I felt a strong desire to control all conversations, that way they could not go where I did not want them to. I no longer have a need to do that.

I also laugh a lot more. Indeed I am much more jovial these days. It is easier to laugh when one is in a great mood. There are several times each day where me and Raven(SO) get to laughing so hard, our sides hurt. It seems I am really feeling who I am now. It seems when one supresses, it supresses everything.

While I always interacted with my children well and usually spend time talking to them each day, about thier life, not mine, I have found a new openess between us. It's like, since I was able to tell them my biggest secrets, they now trust me with thiers. they tell me the most intricate details of their interpersonal relationships. I am truely engaged in my children's lives.

Of course all this new openess and baggage lifting has enabled me to be a much better partner. My new wife, Raven(SO), knows pretty much everything about me. I have never had a relationship with this kind of openess and honesty. It is such a wonderful feeling to have a life partner who knows where all my warts are, and still wants to share her life with me.

And finally, I have taken notice of my looks. En drab I have to admit I could care less how I looked. I did not look how I wanted to look, so I just wore what my exwife bought for me. I never bought my own clothes. I shaved every 2-4 days, and would only drag a brush through my hair once a day, if that. I got my haircut, maybe twice a year. I had no problem wearing a shirt that had a hole in it or was stained.

That has all changed now. I spend more than an hour each day on myself. Showering, putting on my clothes and makeup, doing my hair or wig. I have 8 pairs of shoes, a record for me, but not nearly as many as I intend to own. I keep all of my clothes neatly hung up in my closet and will actually attempt to get stains off of my clothes, before they set in. Something I would never would have done before.

But the most incredible thing that has happened to me, is that I really want to be alive now. I used to think about killing myself almost daily. I used to dread the coming of each new day. My life was something that was happening to me, instead of something I was living.

I now look forward to the coming of each new day. I know now that things are only going to keep getting better for me. I am a very capable person. There is nothing, going to keep me down.

"I'M BACK BABY!!!!!!!"

Perhaps we could have a discussion about how crossdressing has changed other members lives or how they would like it to?

Love always,
Elizabeth

Anita · Post by **Anita** » Thu Aug 18, 2005 7:07 pm

Hi Elizabeth--
I like that post a lot, and can identify with some of it very well. I only lived with the suppression for about 8 months, but it was some of the hardest stress I've ever known.

I could feel my personality just shutting down, since it took so much energy to hold back the new female self. I knew I couldn't live like that for very long. It was basically four months of trying to figure out how I was going to handle this, and then four more of planning how it was going to be done, and buying the clothes.

Secrets take lots of energy away from daily life. I am very grateful that I do not have to hide this from anyone. The description of your life is very clear to me, and I'm glad it's working out.

Loretta Ann · Post by **Loretta Ann** » Thu Aug 18, 2005 7:30 pm

Good Idea Elizabeth,

The very day that I accepted that I would no longer look for another marriage partner, and began dressing like never before. I began to experience some profound changes in side of me. I started becoming a much stronger person immediately, and continue to get stronger as time progresses. I probably dress as often as you but I don’t go out dressed.

One thing I have recently experienced is that being stoic tends to shut down ones life to a certain extent. Since; I began selecting different pictures of women for my avatar. That I change and/or use; to express different moods and/or feelings. I have begun enjoying yet more peace with in.

It appears as though passing in one form or another has it’s benefits.

Elizabeth · Post by **Elizabeth** » Thu Aug 18, 2005 7:59 pm

Hi girls,

Anita,

Anita wrote:
I only lived with the suppression for about 8 months, but it was some of the hardest stress I've ever known.

I never realized just how much suppression was suppressing all me, and how much stress it caused. Apparently you feel the same.

Darlene,

Darlene wrote: One thing I have recently experienced is that being stoic tends to shut down ones life to a certain extent.

I am assuming that when you say "stoic" you mean self suppression of feelings and your internal dialog. And I agree. I think that a great deal of the suppression we feel as crossdressers is self imposed. Indeed I used to be quite "stoic" and had many people actually describe me as such, in my previous life.

I know you are a private person, but perhaps you could expand on this?

Love always,
Elizabeth

Loretta Ann · Post by **Loretta Ann** » Thu Aug 18, 2005 9:40 pm

In part Elizabeth wrote: Darlene,
One thing I have recently experienced is that being stoic tends to shut down ones life to a certain extent.
I am assuming that when you say "stoic" you mean self suppression of feelings and your internal dialog. And I agree. I think that a great deal of the suppression we feel as crossdressers is self imposed. Indeed I used to be quite "stoic" and had many people actually describe me as such, in my previous life.

I know you are a private person, but perhaps you could expand on this?

Elizabeth,

You will need to expand on what you mean by internal dialog? I have shared far more of myself here than any where. Even the professional therapist from whom I sought help did not want to know some of the things I have shared here. I openly and willingly have shared anything here that I think might be of help to others.

However if you were to meat me in private you would not be able to determine if I was sad, happy or angry. I have been described as having a silent will of iron that can not be moved by those with whom a wall has been built. And I see no reason to change the latter part, although it is perhaps not quite so quiet on the net.

I was speaking of the simple expression of emotions which by the way is not the exclusive right of women.

Elizabeth · Post by **Elizabeth** » Thu Aug 18, 2005 10:35 pm

Darlene,

Darlene wrote:

Elizabeth,

You will need to expand on what you mean by internal dialog?

I mean the dialog we all have going on inside our head. What we tell ourselves that no one else hears. It is my contention that to supress ourselves, we also must supress our internal dialog. I do not beleive that being stoic is a natural occuring thing. I beleive it is the result of supressing what we feel, and in order to do that, we also must supress our internal dialog.

I was curious on your personal thoughts in this regard?

Love always,
Elizabeth

Loretta Ann · Post by **Loretta Ann** » Fri Aug 19, 2005 12:30 am

Elizabeth wrote: I mean the dialog we all have going on inside our head. What we tell ourselves that no one else hears. It is my contention that to supress ourselves, we also must supress our internal dialog. I do not beleive that being stoic is a natural occuring thing. I beleive it is the result of supressing what we feel, and in order to do that, we also must supress our internal dialog.

I was curious on your personal thoughts in this regard?

Well Elizabeth here are my personal thoughts,

Being stoic is the result of being raised in an environment that dose not allow you to express your feelings

Hmm. Do we not all have an internal dialog that we keep to ourselves?
I mean some folk keep a diary that is considered private.

There are ways of expressing ones internal dialog in a healthy way. For example; when someone posts something that I consider crap. If it is posted as coming directly from that individual I try and steer away from revealing my internal thoughts about that. However I will usually keep note of it and address it at a later date, in a way that dose not reveal to them that I consider it to be crap. Yet it is releasing my thoughts about it. Un-harnessed free speech can get one into a lot of trouble.

Cross-dressing is a means of (at least) expressing (part) of ones inner dialog. Perhaps then it is the result of being flawed?

Something that was written here (just one little sentence) that hit me where it should is Darla’s (recent) comment that one should not allow the dead to bury the live. What I have got from that is that when we take on the problems of others, if we hang onto them a part of us dies. Resulting in blocked and/or stunted maturity. We need to find a way to let go of them.

Is that what you were trying to get at?

Beauty · Post by **Beauty** » Fri Aug 19, 2005 4:03 am

Hi Elizabeth,

Thanks for the open post about what it's been like to dress 24/7 in femme clothing. It's kind of weird and all, but I think you'd have satisfied the living as a woman 24/7 for a year under the SOC for Harry Benjamin.

I know you said you're never going to transition, but isn't that just too ironic for me? Someone who doesn't want to be a woman has lived his life in the gender of the opposite sex for a year and would have satisfied that part of something I'll have to do and you don't even care.

You're wonderful!!! I'm so proud of you!!!

Ok, now I'll get back to reading the great exchange of dialog between you and Darlene. This has been a great thread!

Beauty

CJ · Post by CJ » Fri Aug 19, 2005 7:30 am

Hi all,

Great thread, Elizabeth.

Anita wrote: Secrets take lots of energy away from daily life. I am very grateful that I do not have to hide this from anyone.

That sums it up for me. All else flows from openness.

Love,
CJ

Loretta Ann · Post by **Loretta Ann** » Fri Aug 19, 2005 1:01 pm

CJ wrote:Hi all,

Great thread, Elizabeth.

Anita wrote: Secrets take lots of energy away from daily life. I am very grateful that I do not have to hide this from anyone.

That sums it up for me. All else flows from openness.

Love,
CJ

All Else??? Wars? Bigotry? Deception? Love? Hatred? Peace? Being Stoic? Etc.

I don’t get it CJ. Can you elaborate?

I think a whole lot of things flow from greed.

CJ · Post by CJ » Fri Aug 19, 2005 8:40 pm

Hi all,

Sure, Darlene, I can elaborate.

Since having opened myself up to people around me, I've become a less bigoted, less deceptive, more loving, less hateful, more peaceful person.

All this flowed from my being open.

Love,
CJ

Loretta Ann · Post by **Loretta Ann** » Fri Aug 19, 2005 8:53 pm

Thanks CJ,

Stated that way it is something I can relate to. It sounds as though you have realized that staying with in a cocoon is not healthy.

CJ · Post by CJ » Fri Aug 19, 2005 10:40 pm

Hi Darlene,

I agree; it truly isn't healthy... which is why I have the greatest respect for Elizabeth and her decision to live her life with awareness rather than subliminally.

Love,
CJ

Loretta Ann · Post by **Loretta Ann** » Sat Aug 20, 2005 12:16 am

Hmmmm??? CJ.

I recognize the cocoon as being one extreme I wonder what the extreme on the other side might be? I am one that believes extremes are unhealthy. This is not to say that I think Elizabeth is in the other extreme. But I do wonder what that extreme might be?

Elizabeth · Post by **Elizabeth** » Sat Aug 20, 2005 1:01 am

Hi /girls,

Darlene,

I think the other extreme are those who think that dressing this way or that way will solve all thier problems. Dressing how I feel comfortable is only one aspect of my life. As you well know there are many others. I whole heartedly agree with what CJ said about how being open has changed her behavior. I have experienced the same thing.

The energy expended with keeping a secret can be very overwhelming, without even realizing it. Before I came out, I never realized how guilt and shame was comsuming my thinking and my energy. Now all that energy I was expending thinking about my secrets, or things that relate to it like self loathing, guilt, shame and fantasy thinking, I use for other things. That is making other things work in my life, because I am spending time thinking about, or acting on those things.

Plus the huge benefit of opening up, is that others have opened up to me, and I have found this information invaluable. The more I give, the more I get.

Love always,
Elizabeth