How my life has changed since coming out and dressing 24/7

[Loretta Ann]

Elizabeth,

One does not need to be cross-dresser to be in a cocoon. Being open involves more than being open about being a cross dresser. I think the other extreme is being to open. I am sure one could find the right area of town and the right time of the night to expose ones self (en-femme) to the kind of people who would be delighted to help one accept this.

When people see that you are open they will be willing to give you more. As long as one is seen to be in denial people will tend to give them a hard time. Also as long as one is in denial (as you said) they are wasting too much energy reinforcing their fort to be able to receive what you are now receiving. They don’t even know what to look for.

That is why I will not waste my time attempting to give them anything of value. Other than perhaps; assisting them on there merry way, towards something that will place them in a situation, where they will have a need to start looking at some things a little more seriously. Which; could force them on to a path that could lead them out of denial.

[Anita]

When I was crossdressing as a teen, it didn't bother me to keep it private. We all have things we keep private, as teens or as adults. It is not the same as denial, or repression. All secrets are private matters, but I think there is a level of privacy that does not necessarily count as "secret."

I had a lot of energy at 13, so if a little of it went into guilt about CDing, I didn't miss it much. Come forward 32 years, and my crossdressing suddenly wanted to come back. Only this time I could immediately feel how much energy it would take to keep it hidden.

I mean, at 49, I couldn't fool myself about this. There are electronic voltmeters I use, and they tell me how "hot" the current in a given wire is. Well, I have a good emotional 'voltmeter' inside, and it showed me that no matter how much vitality I still had, it wasn't enough to stuff down a part of myself that was this strong. This was what had me crying at night for awhile--I really didn't have much choice about whether I was going to come out. It was just a matter of how long I was going to put it off.

I would still say that keeping a secret is not a passive activity. It's not just leaving out information. It takes active energy to do it. At 25, you've got the extra energy to "spend" on this. Get 45 or older, and it becomes harder to justify spending that same amount of energy, because there's not as big a pool to draw on anymore.

.

[Beauty]

Hi Anita,

Well said!!! Wow! Really well said!

Beauty

[Elizabeth]

Hi girls,

Anita,

I agree with so much of what you wrote.

I would still say that keeping a secret is not a passive activity. It's not just leaving out information. It takes active energy to do it. At 25, you've got the extra energy to "spend" on this. Get 45 or older, and it becomes harder to justify spending that same amount of energy, because there's not as big a pool to draw on anymore.

I also beleive that the energy required to keep a secret increases with time. And it does so exponentially, so eventually it breaks down when the energy level required to keep the secret overwhelms the persons ability to expend that much energy. I beleive that is why the "coming out" process can seem so sudden.

Love always,
Elizabeth

[CJ]

Well put, Anita! Well put!

Love,
CJ

[Anita]

Thanks! It's sad to me that at present, there are few ways to publicly do what we do. So I have no practical advice to give to other CDs who are discovering that the secret is indeed requiring too much energy to hide.

My femme self didn't get any room to breath all those 30-some years. She was a private part of me, that I didn't express her much, even when alone. So I wasn't keeping a secret in those years, as far as I knew. When it came time to express the woman within, I was hit with an energy bill for what it would take to stop her from emerging.

That's the only way I can describe it--rather than having thirty years to get used to paying a high price for suppression, I was faced with paying a high price all at once. I have always been fairly outgoing and friendly. I was suddenly dealing with clamping down on almost all of that. I found that I could not repress only one part. To surpress that required shutting down much of the whole, for me. It was intolerable to live like that for long, and I began planning my way out.

That's why it was really not a choice to think of hiding this. Being a performer makes all the difference for me, though. I wish there were more practical ways for others to live openly.

[Virginia]

Some beautiful well written posts, however it is only what I would expect from my sisters. Question about "keeping a secret?' If I am sitting here, "en drab" and know that I need to go get gas or go to the grocery store and I grab my keys and go. Now I know all the guys at the service station and I chose not to tell them as I am pumping my gas, "Hey, guys, you know what!!?? I am a crossdresser!" Am I keeping a secret or is it simply a "need to know situation." or at the supermarket, I walk up and down the aisles and at check out I know the girl at the register, and I don't tell her I am a crossdresser, again, am I "keeping a secret?" One more, I go to my local gas station where they know me, "en drab" but this time Virginia shows up, gets gas, goes inside pays and gets, "Thanks you ma'am, for coming in!!" They don't read me, they recognize the car, but don't have a clue who the blond is driving it. "Keeping a secret?" or do I rip off my wig and yell, "Hey guys its me!! what do you think!!??"
Sometimes, discreation is the better part of valor!!!!
Virginia

[Elizabeth]

Hi girls,

Virginia,

If I am sitting here, "en drab" and know that I need to go get gas or go to the grocery store and I grab my keys and go. Now I know all the guys at the service station and I chose not to tell them as I am pumping my gas, "Hey, guys, you know what!!?? I am a crossdresser!" Am I keeping a secret or is it simply a "need to know situation."

These are questions that each person can only answer for themselves. My feelings are, if I am at the gas station or grocery store "en drab" only to keep it hidden that I crossdress, that is a deception. If I have to expend any energy at all to hide the fact that I love wearing, and feel more comfortable in women's clothes, that is a deception, and it hurts me.

Other than that, I feel no special need to tell anyone anything. Let them draw thier own conclusions. "To thine own self, be true".

Love always,
Elizabeth

[Virginia]

Thanks Elizabeth, great point as always!
Virginia

[Loretta Ann]

Hi all,

A secret less life…Hmmmm…Is that possible?

I have a simple formula that works well for me. If some one wants to know something I do not wish to reveal. I first ask them if they can keep a secret. And when they reply that of coarse they can. I respond I am glad to hear that because so can I.

In my opinion keeping some secrets are healthy, as you can damage a fragile person quite mercilessly with the truth.

[CJ]

Hi all,

Hmmm... interesting.

Discretion may very well be the better part of valor but discretion has much more to do with knowledge another person has entrusted you with about themselves than it does with knowledge you have about yourself.

There's a whole conversation going on at Helen's forum about the meaning of being "out." Like Virginia's examples, being out can mean many different things. Can crossdressers that, say, go clubbing on a regular basis, but are never, or even rarely, "read" be considered to be "out"? Can someone like me, who seldom makes public appearances, but who also never shies away from letting people know that I am a crossdresser (and what it means to be gender-variant) be considered "out"?

I think there's a social/political way of being "out" that fosters greater understanding on the part of John Q. Public and it requires not one tiny scrap of nylon or silk to be effective. There's also a private way to be "out" (as in, "I was 'out' at the restaurant last night, en femme... and nobody knew me for who and what I really am--victory is mine!"). This latter kind of "out" does little to make people aware of what it is to be a crossdresser. Or does it? And, if so, how? These are good questions, methinks. And this is a mighty fine thread.

Love,
CJ

[Loretta Ann]

Hmmm... interesting.

Discretion may very well be the better part of valor but discretion has much more to do with knowledge another person has entrusted you with about themselves than it does with knowledge you have about yourself.

Huh???

I have a friend who has an office in an official category. In that office he has told me is all the top secrete items of his particular job. I have never being in that office even though I could go in. Know why??? Because; if something leaked out and if it was suspected that I knew it. It could cost me my life.

I simply don’t play that game. If you have got something you want kept secrete keep it to yourself. I don’t want to hear it unless it is no longer necessary to keep it secrete.

I have witnessed far too many people set up this way. I’ll have no part of that. Thank you very much. That is a trap.

[Beauty]

Hi CJ,

Hmmm..

I think someone who is out to their friends is out. I think someone who goes out is out. Now if someone goes out, but passes and no one knows then I don't think that person is out.

I think of it as a gay or lesbian person who is out. They don't go around telling people that they are gay or lesbian in everyday life. "Hi my name is Wilma, I will be serving you tonight and I'm a lesbian." I don't think that's what you mean CJ, but I'm just trying to say people who say, "You're not out because you haven't told the world." Well my challenge there is, how do you do it?

If I'm missing it I doubt you're surprised because I'm so good at that! What do you think?

Beauty

[Elizabeth]

Hi girls,

I dont' think being "out" is telling the world who or what you are. It is a matter of not hiding it anymore and not being ashamed of it. The rest is just semantics as far as I am concerned.

Love always,
Elizabeth

[Loretta Ann]

Hi girls,

I dont' think being "out" is telling the world who or what you are. It is a matter of not hiding it anymore and not being ashamed of it. The rest is just semantics as far as I am concerned.

In that case there are different degrees or stages to being out.