A pondering on CDing by my 15 year old daughter.

[Curly(SO)]

My fifteen year old daughter came out with this litte gem a few days ago...we were getting ready to go out and this statement came out of the blue!

I've tried to word it how she said it.

"I like being a girl but I'd like to come back in my next life as a boy because they can be tranvestites and that is really cool! Men have still got barriers to break down, but for us, we've already had our feminist revolution..."

I cannot remember my reply but I was blown away by this! I have no idea what made her start thinking about CDing. Maybe she does have an idea that her stepfather CDs, I don't know, but a few days after this, she discovered Ed's wig. He'd left it lying on top of some clothes in his wardrobe (of mostly male clothes). My daughter had rung me to ask for some money while I was at work and I'd told her I had a pot of loose change in the wardrobe she could dip into, not knowing the wig was not hidden out of view. When I got home, she said to me "why have you got a wig, mum? I wasn't ready for this so mumbled something very unconvincing about having it to see what I looked like....a long dark brown wig with long layers...how very different from my own long dark hair with long layers...hmmm

Anyway, at this point Ed walks into the room. My daughter looks him straight in the eye and throws at him "have you ever tried mum's wig on, Ed?" To which he replies with a big smile "of course I have" when she said "go and put it on now!" it got a bit awkward, I was squirming and said no.

Me and Ed have chatted about the possibility of her knowing and if we should chat to her but I think we are both not ready for that. Ed sometimes says he doesn't care who knows, now that I do, but other times he says he doesn't want my daughter to know.

Maybe one day...

Love,
Curly(SO

[Loretta Ann]

Curly,

I think she knows and is giving you hints that she does. If that is the case I hope she understands that you are not ready and does not take it the wrong way.

[Elizabeth]

Hi Curly,

I also beleive she knows. If not she is obviously old enough to understand it, and appreciate why it was a secret. I would just get this out in the open before she feels she is not trusted.

Love always,
Elizabeth

[Honey(SO)]

It does sound like she knows something, otherwise why would she have made the statement that she did and then ask about Ed wearing the wig.

Even though the 2 of you feel your not ready to talk to her, you really have no choice now, the cat is out of the bag-
You don't have to share everything about it with her, just the basic knowledge of what is a crossdresser and the why of it. Let her lead with her questions. And be as truthfull as you can with her, lies and half-truths as we all know will have a very negative outcome.

Good Luck..

Honey

[Jennifer]

My daughter was sixteen when she found some of my things and the outcome was not good. I had intended at some point to tell her about this side of me but felt she was too young. All this is behind us now but her biggest complaint when we finally had a heart to heart talk was she felt that I could not trust her with such a secret. Kids today know a lot more about issues like this than we give them credit for. Your daughter already knows, keeping her in the dark about this now could easily make her feel like she's being treated like a child.

[Virginia]

First, I want to compliment you and raising a very intelligent and sophositcated young lady!!! What I would do is go to her and reference her previous comments about what you siad she said about men's ability to "transistion." so to speak and tell her it has been on your mind since she said it and you were impressed and wondered just what brought on this insight.
We are all waiting to see what happens,
Love,
Virginia

[CJ]

Hi all,

Your daughter thinks transvestites are cool, Curly? I think your daughter is cool!

I suspect that she might press the issue, send more hints your way that she knows about Ed. If you and Ed start finding yourselves in a position where you're, shall we say, masking the truth, more often than telling the truth, have a talk with her and explain to her what's going on, inasmuch as your comfort levels (and, of course, Ed's, as well) will allow. I think Jennifer's right; sexual identity blending and gender playfulness are things the young ones today are much more familiar and easy with than we were, in our own day. Remember: RuPaul, for instance, was in the public eye before your daughter was even born. Men dressing as women is getting to be old hat.

Still, just as a CD will need to be patient and understanding with his SO (and ready himself by having as much info on hand as she might require) when he comes out to her, you'll need to follow your daughter's own pace and rhythm if and when you tell her about Ed (assuming that pace and rhythm aren't faster than your own, that is).

I may be way off the mark here but I'm thinking that you're probably a bit nervous, Curly, because you're wondering what she'll think of you, for your being partnered to a man who likes to dress up as a woman. Well, it says absolutely nothing about you (that you cannot tell her yourself), other than that the man you love happens to be a crossdresser. Of course, the difficulty is that, for many partnered CD's, there's an eminently sexual aspect to crossdressing so that, by allowing your daughter to peek into that window, you're simultaneously giving her a glimpse of the shape of yours and Ed's sex life (if this applies to you, of course--I don't mean to pry and there's no need to elaborate! )--and that is usually a private thing. Just think of most teenagers' reactions to the idea that, God forbid! their parents do, indeed, have a sex life: "Eeeww! Ick!"

Anyway, I wish you strength and courage in dealing with this, Curly. From what little I know of you, I think you'll do fine. It sort of helps, too, that your daughter seems to have adopted a playful attitude about all this. In the end, she surely knows that you are who you are and that Ed is who he is, regardless of how anyone in the family chooses to dress.

Love,
CJ

P.S.

Yeah, I agree with you, Curly. You weren't too quick on the uptake, there, about the wig. Being put on the spot is never easy, though. Just remind me never to enroll you in my improv class.

[Curly(SO)]

Hi,

Thanks for all your replies! I think I must have been in denial that my daughter has actually guessed or suspects Ed is a CDer.

I think that if she asks me directly I will give her an honest answer. (I know Ed will from how he responded to the wig question.)

But...I know I'm a real coward here...I just can't face bringing it up myself. I don't know why...maybe I'm embarrassed or am afraid that although she has a good attitude towards CDing, it may freak her out a bit.

I've got to go to work now, I will try to write later!

Love,
Curly(SO)

[Beauty]

Hi Curly,

You are no coward. You're a great mom who only wants the best for her child. You are also human. Put those two together and it's easy to see why you paused. I'm glad that if it comes up again you'll be truthful.

I'm really proud of you. I hope you weren't late for work.

Beauty

[Georgia(SO)]

A couple of years ago, my then-17-year old son walked in on my sweetie in a pretty lace bra and panties. I was blissfully taking a nap, and awakened by said sweetie who was pretty much freaking out as he had never intended for the kid to know. So, I get up, go find my son and say, "I hear we need to talk." Son says, "I saw nothing!" (sounding remarkably like the Old Colonel Klink from Hogan's Heroes".

I started in anyway, and he said again, "Really Mom, I didn't see anything." Obviously he did. I simply told him that some men like to wear women's clothes. That sometimes I wear jeans and sometimes Tom wears dresses. That it doesn't mean that he's gay or that he's going to have surgery and become a woman (my guy isn't - TS"s are obviously going to have have a different sort of discussion) and that a fair number of men like this.

I also explained that it would destroy his business if word got out, because people *do* like to be judgemental (at 17, all I needed to do was to point out that some people are judgemental and that pretty well guaranteed that he wouldn't out Tom...17 year olds are particularly sensitive - and incensed - about other people being judgemental)....I told him that most grown ups have some sort of quirk in their personalities and that he will too and that obviously we don't out people without their consent and that he should not out Tom. End of discussion...Took a whole 5 minutes, max.

I've always thought that the way to deal with kids on issues like these is to be truthful, but to limit the amount of information to precisely what they ask about or seem to need to know at the moment - sort of a "just the facts" approach. I keep thinking about the old joke about the kid who asked where he came from - parents do the whole birds and bees thing, whereupon kid says, "Huh. Johnny said he came from Philadelphia."

If he'd have asked me why Tom dresses, I certainly wouldn't have gone into all the questions we discuss on the forum - I would have simply said, "Because he likes to." I wanted my son to view this in the way that we all want people to view it - as just another flavor in the big ol' human variety pak - no big deal.

We are the ones who teach them what is a big deal and what isn't. And while I can't help feeling some of the things I feel, I can most assuredly make certain that I don't pass along negative feelings that I don't care to pass on.

I too think your daughter knows - who knows how. Kids know things we don't think they know. Maybe she was snooping in your room and found clothes that don't fit you. Who knows. I personally am a big fan of providing the facts *with* a light touch. As for explaining why you didn't tell her when she first asked about the wig, you can truthfully say "Because I keep forgetting that you aren't a little kid anymore!" Because it is at least vaguely sexual, regardless of your guy's motivations, you can get away with that implication that you forget she's old enough to know these things.........

gotta get back to work, see ya'll on the flip side...
-georgia (so)

[Curly(SO)]

Thank so much for your reply, Georgia, it was great! I love the way you handled the situation. I think that is the way I will handle it too, I don't want to overload my daughter with too much information as it only raises more questions than answers (as we SO's know only too well!)

My daughter, too, is well aware of people being judgemental so I think we could trust her not to tell people. (Ed is not ready to be outed yet, though I think he will be one day.)

Love,
Curly(SO)

[Georgia(SO)]

Trusting a 15 year old not to tell is, of course, the really big thing. She would need to understand that even if she told "just her best friend", the best friend *will* tell someone, who will tell someone, who...etc. Since your guy is not ready to be outed, your daughter needs to understand how easily that can happen. Besides, she needs to know that "not telling anyone" means not telling "anyone" - best friends are not an exception....

It's a good life lesson for her too - don't tell anybody anything that you aren't ready for the whole world to know!

However, if you are going to limit her ability to tell her friends, then you have to provide her someone to talk to when she has questions or just wants to say she thinks it's wierd or cool or whatever. Could be you, could be your guy. She *will* want to talk about it sometime or other, because she is 15 and because 15 year olds talk. A lot...

I think she'll do just fine with the information herself. Based on the questions she was asking and the fact that she didn't storm the room and demand to know what is going on, she seems to be ok with the idea, at least in theory. Kids are soooooooooo much more savvy than we were at that age. I don't think I'd even *heard* of cross-dressing (other than Flip Wilson's Geraldine) at all at 15. Nope, I'm sure I hadn't. (In fact, didn't really think about normal guys doing this until about 3 years ago...ahem...)

You'll do just fine with her, I'm sure. Sounds like ya'll have a good relationship and communicate well. That's all it really takes...

BTW, I don't know that I would "bring it up" out of the blue. That really makes it more of a to-do than it is. But keep your eyes open and when opportunity presents itself (as it will), be ready to answer.
-g

[Kyra]

I totally missed this thread first time around.

Victoria, isn't it amazing how obvious something is once you know the truth? It's a true phenomenon. 20/20 hindsight, they call it.

All the signs and hints are there. Like pieces to a puzzle. Once you see the whole picture, it's like....Duh! I should've guessed long ago!

The only bad thing is it doesn't go away with age. I have 20/20 hindsight all the time and I'm forty....

Hugs,
Kyra

[Kerri]

HiCurly,

Thanks for your nice comments about Pepsi.
You cannot be certain that your daughter knows. Girls have a great sense of humour and it would tickle them to think their dad had tried on that wig.

If she knows she will be looking for more evidence. Clothes which you never wear, worn only in secret by your SO. If she finds them she will borrow them to gauge your reaction.

I ended up telling my daughter for this reason. She did not take it well, but she put on a brave face. She did not keep it a secret and manymore people than I would have liked, got to know. But I tried not to make it into a big issue. I ended up putting on the brave face.

To prevent this from happening, if your sizes are comparable, try wearing your SO clothes in her presence at least once. My daughter borrowed my stuff frequently to try to elicit a negative reaction from me. None was forthcoming, I even offered her some items to keep.

I wouldn't tell her yet, but I would make all possible accessories visible to her, including your wigs.

Take Care.

Love kerri.
PS I never realised before that you are UK based.