On the road to ...

[Xenia]

Hi,

I have read the forum for quite a while and thought it might time to join the bunch. Seems to be a friendly place.

Since my early days I have had TG-feelings, though I couldn't have described it that way before I discovered terms like TV, TS etc. after and during puberty. I can't define exactly when these feelings occured first, but I from what I remember it must have been at the age of 7-8 at the latest (probably earlier, I guess). I rather quietly blended in into the crowd of boys, but I never felt that I was really a part of the gang. I was not effeminate, but had/have not a special feeling of being masculine either. What distinguished me from the others was that I had this haunting wish (certainly not to be shared) to dress like a girl resp. woman and even to be one.

Growing up in the 60ies in a small city taught without much ado that such 'strange' feelings were not at all acceptable in society. The only ones who could cross the gender divide visibly were characters in plays and shows, usually characters which made more or less funny fun out of this (mainly displaying a very awkward view of women, feminity etc.).

I never dared to delve in the closets of my sisters (would never have thought of trying my mother's clothes - as seems to be so frequent in other's stories), as there were usually too many people around in our rather big household. Though I early discovered that a towel helped improvising a skirt in the bathroom (which greatly prolonged my share of time in the bathroom) and some other tricks made me imagining that I was or could be a girl, it took finally 25 years until I got my first modest pieces of feminine wardrobe.

Suppressing my feminine self to solitary confinement resulted early in much fantasizing about being female, which when puberty struck, got a sexual tension to it as well. Then the well-known circle started: buying, trying, purging ... until 2 years ago, being 40+, I had a rather sleepless night, and came to the insight that I had to stop denial and accept that I must be TG in some way and decided that I can't hide from myself anymore. (If the internet had existed 20-30 years ago, I think much might have been different for many of us).

I still do not have found the answer where on the TG-spectrum I belong. OK, I have done the COGIATI with the constant result of "probable transsexual", but I doubt the relevance of most of the questions and the method (too much of Venus-Mars-nonsense lurking around. I for one am from Earth.). In all kinds of gender tests my results are "female" (should be "feminine", since "female" refers to biology, doesn't it.), but what does that really tell? I am still searching ...
My crossdressing would make me a CD or TV, but is my wish to actually be a woman just a fantasy of an intense CD or is it the sign of a late onset TS? Some time in my teens I learnt the term transvestism, but that was back then in terms of a mental disorder or sexual perversion. My conclusion was that I neither was a kind of farcical character nor mentally disorderd, so that use of the term TV did not fit. Later I read the first time about TS; the idea to adapt the body to the gender was and is most attractive, only that until now overwhelming fears of loss and pain seem to block for me that way out of the dilemma. If it could be done without hurt and loss, then I'd change to be a woman ASAP – it has been my first choice for one of the three wishes granted by the fairy.

Anyway, despite my constant thinking about this matter (which consumes a lot of my time - actually has increased much) my development in the last 2 years has been slow: I am fully closeted, I miss much basic knowledge and more practice about how to feminize myself. Recently I have started to see a therapist, also to find out where I might be in the TG-spectrum and what I want, can do etc. She advised me to build up some contacts and visit the local TG-meeting. I will start with that this autumn.

OK, so much as an introduction.

Xenia

[Beauty]

Hi Xenia,

You really sound like you have a grip on who you are and where you are. I think it's really cool that you looked around the site before you joined us. I hope you found the site helpful.

It's really very cool that you are in therapy. I can atest to how much it helps to talk to someone. I really think you are showing how much you love yourself and care about your own mental health.

If you ever need anything please feel free to send me a PM or post what's going on and I, like the rest of the forum, will respond.

Beauty

[Gelinda]

Xenia: Great job on knowing whats and being slow about the way you are growing in this magically world of CD.

I agree with Beauty, The greatist knowledge and understanding comes from the Therpyist of this world.

If there is anything in this crazy world of ours that I can help you with then all you have to do is ask.

Gelinda

[Anita]

Hi Xenia--
I identified with a lot of what you went through. I did borrow clothes from my mother and sister's storage, but after I left home it was strictly improv; no feminine clothing at all. Like being an alcoholic, I couldn't have the clothes around. When I lived with girlfriends, I wasn't tempted to use their clothes--that just felt like it wouldn't work at all. Their clothes did remind me of my girl within, though, and I tried to put those feelings into being with the girlfriend. How successful this was, I don't know. It seemed to work until my 40s. At that point, cracks started to appear. My girlfriend at that time supported the girl within, but we never talked about her. Sometimes she just "appeared" in intimate moments, and then she disappeared again.

The therapy is good, and a support group will be beneficial, too. Welcome to the forum. I like your writing; you express yourself well, and that always helps.

[Virginia]

Welcome Xenia,
Ain't it great!!!?? The actually exploring of one's feelings about who we are and why we are the way we are and then the big step! actually accepting the fact that we have this gift!!! The challenge then become what to do with it and how to use it and to share it. But those are to me minor to the first big step of just acknowledging that we are "different" then we can discover that we have this gift and it perhaps puts us a step ahead and not to ignore the medically proven fact that "No, we ain't crazy people!" We have an insight into something that is truly something to use, take advantage and hopefully share!
Welcome and hope you will participate with us.
Virginia

[Elinor]

Its okay to be different its okay to be yourself its okay to wear a dress if you desire too.

Welcome to the group.

[Xenia]

Hi Beauty,

thank for the welcome!

You really sound like you have a grip on who you are and where you are.

Well, I am trying at least (and at last)

I think it's really cool that you looked around the site before you joined us. I hope you found the site helpful.

yes I do!

It's really very cool that you are in therapy. I can atest to how much it helps to talk to someone. I really think you are showing how much you love yourself and care about your own mental health.

Thanks, I can only speak for myself of course, but I think it is worth to have someone to speak to. I have two friends to whom I came out. But no one saw me ever dressed, and I don't bring the topic up just from scratch, when we meet. On the one hand we have plenty of other stuff to speak about and on the other I don't want to bother people with constant self-inspectional stuff. But it is good to know that there are some people one can confide in.

If you ever need anything please feel free to send me a PM or post what's going on and I, like the rest of the forum, will respond.

Beauty

Thanks again. (One forum problem was that I could read but not reply to your private message - the reply function was blocked).

Best

Xenia

[Xenia]

Hi Anita

When I lived with girlfriends, I wasn't tempted to use their clothes--that just felt like it wouldn't work at all.

I agree, I'd not be interested i a GF's clothes either. It is amazing how much clothes can say about a person and using something from someone else so close feels for me like intruding too much. Especially in a relationship I would like that th partners would leave the personal space each of them requires

Their clothes did remind me of my girl within, though, and I tried to put those feelings into being with the girlfriend. How successful this was, I don't know. It seemed to work until my 40s. At that point, cracks started to appear.

I wonder, why it is so often the 40s that things seem to get moving for many (biolog. male) TG.

My girlfriend at that time supported the girl within, but we never talked about her. Sometimes she just "appeared" in intimate moments, and then she disappeared again.

My previous GF was not supportive, so we broke up. So did a previous marriage.
And I am not the one who puts any pressure on anybody to accept me for that. I only know that my TG-feelings will not disappear. Everything I have experienced and read points to that this usually is so deeply rooted (whatever the reason, I don't care too much), that there can't be a relationship without acceptance of who I am (as well as I have to accept the other of course).

The therapy is good, and a support group will be beneficial, too. Welcome to the forum. I like your writing; you express yourself well, and that always helps.

Thanks, I'm glad to be here.

Best

Xenia

[Xenia]

Welcome Xenia,
Ain't it great!!!?? The actually exploring of one's feelings about who we are and why we are the way we are and then the big step! actually accepting the fact that we have this gift!!! The challenge then become what to do with it and how to use it and to share it. But those are to me minor to the first big step of just acknowledging that we are "different" then we can discover that we have this gift and it perhaps puts us a step ahead and not to ignore the medically proven fact that "No, we ain't crazy people!" We have an insight into something that is truly something to use, take advantage and hopefully share!
Welcome and hope you will participate with us.
Virginia

Hi Virginia,

yes, I also have come to regard being transgendered as a gift – but it has taken it's toll especially in terms of emotional efforts and of course time. So it was a major step, to acknowledge (what I could have known better earlier, if I had been honest to myself. ) as you say.
That is why I would wish that the Internet would have been there 25-30 years ago, when being a early teen. Anyway, while looking back is often important, it is also crucial to make the best out of the situation - I'll try.

Best

Xenia

[Xenia]

Thanks Elinor, Gelinda and everyone else for a warm welcome!

Xenia