Nikki wants you to know where she came from

[Nikki]

Some of my earliest memories pre-date kindergarten. I know this, because I remember I used to wait until my brother went off to school, maybe kindergarten or first grade, so I had to be less than 5. Then I would also wait until my mother was doing something that I could hear, like vacuuming (she cleaned a lot). I needed to hear what she was doing, so I could tell when she stopped. That way she wouldn't find me rummaging through her lingerie.

I don't remember being so bold as to put any on while she was working elsewhere in the house. But I definitely remember one night going into my mother's bathroom, which had the drawers holding her girdles with garters, stockings, etc. I put on the girdle, and I don't remember putting on the stockings, but I do remember someone turning on the light (one of my parents). Much to their credit, they didn't freak out. They just got me back into my pajamas and took me down to the living room to stay with them for a while. They had a fire going, which was pretty rare in our house. They didn't say anything about the incident that I remember, except I seem to remember them trying to say it had been a dream. Maybe they meant I had been sleepwalking. I don't sleepwalk. I KNEW what I was doing.

I used to love helping my mom clean house, because she would let me empty the garbage cans. I waited anxiously for my sisters to discard a pair of nylons, or the Holy Grail of underwear, a pair of panties. Now, I know my mom knows I used to do this, because several years ago, when my nephew was about 5 or 6, he started asking to wear makeup like mom and to do the not uncommon things young boys do to emulate their mothers. The confirmation of my mother's knowledge of my thefts was in her remarking (in front of my sisters), "Well, Nikki used to steal pantyhose, remember?".

I couldn't wait to get out of college and have my own place and a credit card to order things over the phone (no internet then). When I finally did get my own place, I'd often underdress and when I'd come home from work, I'd put on lingerie and heels as a matter of course.

I told me wife when we were engaged about my cross dressing and she didn't freak. Although she says now that she doesn't remember us talking about it. Sometime in the first three years of marriage, she offered a drawer in her closet to kieep my clothes in.

Two years ago, after almost 18 years of marriage, I was feeling like I was living a lie, because I would dress up as often as I could at home (I telecommute), but my wife knew nothing about it. It felt like cheating on her. So, I really came clean and made it clear that this would always be part of my life. She has never once made me feel bad about this. We don't have a perfect marriage, but I know her love for me is genuine and unconditional. But she draws the line at shaving my body hair, which I detest.

Only this year have I really started to buy outerwear and I absolutely love it. Clearance racks are my friend. I'm dying to get up the courage to go out en femme, although my wife doesn't understand and is very uneasy about this. She has never seen me dressed up. I enjoy dressing up, but it is also somewhat sad and lonely because I've no one to share it with.

I posted elsewhere in the New Members section that this year I came out to about half a dozen close friends with complete acceptance. My neighbor has even offered to go shopping with me! Their reaction (or rather non-reaction) gave me the courage to join this group, where your welcome is much appreciated.

Don't get the impression that all is well. It isn't. We are all works in progress. Trouble is, I'm often not really sure which journey I'm on.

[Beauty]

Hi Nikki,

What a great and excellent Beginnings Story. Thank you so much for sharing it with us.

I relate to a few things you mentioned, so that was pretty cool too. You were definitely younger than me. I was 5 when I discovered my mom's magic hosiery/undies drawer of enlightenment. I will always have such fond memories of the drawer.

I loved taking out the garbage too because that always meant that mom's hose with runs would end up on my legs. I loved every moment of that. I was way to young to know about pleasuring myself, so it was clothes wearing and then off and out to the big garbage can outside. I always hated that part.

I had my own place twice. Once when I was living in NY and then again when I moved to Northern VA. Both were primo dressing times for me. "Loves it!"

Like you I told my wife about my dressing and like you my wife says, "No you didn't." but I did because there's no way I was getting married to anyone who didn't accept this about me, although I must admit I didn't realize how far I was going to go at that time either. So even if I did tell her, well she has a get out of marriage free card.

Lastly, my wife also told me that I had to keep all of my body hair. After I shaved my legs and liked the feeling though I lobbied for a few months and soon that was thrown out the window. I've been hairless ever since.

Thanks again for posting your story. I loved it!

Beauty

[Nikki]

Ah Beauty! You give me hope! A day does not go by when I don't look at myself and say, "Someday, I will shave ALL of this off". Maybe I can take the same steps you took. Winter shaving first? Hmmm...

[Beauty]

Hi Nikki,



Yes. Good plan!

Beauty