Maybe This is why so many get beat up

[Gelinda]

Ladies:

I have been wondering about something. Most likely I will not word this correctly but here goes. Please no one get made at me but this is something that has been eating at me for a while.

I wonder if the reason so many of us get beat up is because of the being caught doing what we do?

Or could it be the way we are treated by others that we can back into our en drab mode and beat up the one that upset us so?

Or is it because of the area we go too and are at the wrong place at the right time?

Gelinda

[Steffie]

Hi Gelinda,

It may very well be a combination of factors including some additional ones not listed. It's hard to say it is just one. Of course where you are is of paramount importance as well as if the people are open minded or are close minded. I've only been out twice total but only once in the real world (for a short time). Being big and tall like I am is a disadvantage for crossdressing but it may be an advantage for avoiding confrontation (although some men out there might still be crazy enough to take on a big crossdresser). I guess being aware of your surroundings is high on the list for avoiding confrontation.

Steffie

[CJ]

Hi all,

Gelinda,

People who are different suffer at the hands of others because those who inflict that pain are ignorant and that ignorance leads to an intolerance that is synonymous with a "fear of difference." A sort of "misoxeny," to coin a term; literally, a hatred of the stranger.

You cannot meet violence with violence--not if you want to turn a foe into an ally. Meet that person with understanding, compassion, and intelligence. Do what you can to highlight what you both have in common rather than what divides you. Educate not "the masses" but the individuals that are a part of your life.

In the meantime, dress safely. Use common sense. Be mindful of both your surroundings and of the context in which you're out en femme. Don't go out of your way to provoke people.

This is a lesson I learned the hard way. When I was assaulted by three drunkards, I was strolling down the sidewalk (with my then-GF) in a "popular" neighbourhood (meaning, one where poverty, lack of education, crime, and other social ills are common). It wasn't a very bright thing to do, I know, but it was the neighbourhood I lived in at the time and I didn't want to stray too far from home. I learned that, sometimes, it's best to stray far from home--if that home has no place for people like us.

Be safe.

Love,
CJ

[Virginia]

Gee,
CJ is right as usual! Ignorance is the key ingredient in violence. so just stay away from places where ignorant people would congregate.
Virginia

[Gelinda]

Ok Ladies I am going to tell on myself.

Wednesday of this last week while In a strange town. I was feeling hurt and worried about my brother. I will not talk about the hurt part. I had a few too many and decided to walk them off. Well, there was a gentleman there that acted very female in his actions drinking with a young lady. Well when I was coming back into the parking lot from my walk 3 stupid guys were attempting to take the lady away and picking on the small guy. Well I was still drunk enough but sober enough to know what I was doing. Well, I really saw myself in character that I would want to be like if I did go out en femme. So I walked into them, broke one arm and one leg and was going to kill the third when the small guy ask me not too in a soft voice. Of course, when the cops got there the couple told there part and there was a person in the motel that saw the whole thing. I got off very lucky, I did not even have to go to the jail. The meat wagon was loaded up with the broken bones and off they went.

This event truly opened by eyes as to the en femme part of our world. I am very disappointed in myself for not even attempting to talk to them and make them back off.

I did what I did out of hate of myself and what I am inside. I thought I had come too grips with the understanding with my inner self and the CD part of me. Now understand he was not dressed en femme or anything he just had the mannerisms and the way of a female. I had watched him from the bar at times an had envy of his true mannerisms.

One more point, I did this thread this way out of shame. The Ranger training just took over and with the alcohol in me there was no stopping it. I have never could handle rejection which I had felt early in the night on the web. So I am telling you all I am sorry and still confused an in my own mind I should be in jail plus would have lost my job over it.

The stupid one Gelinda

[Anita]

Gelinda--
I have behaved badly behind the same kind of "automatic pilot," where I go into a zone that's very cold-blooded. I will post about it shortly. At any rate, no one got killed in your encounter, and that's good. I have found that talking can be very effective in those kinds of situations, if the feeling you describe is "in the air." Guys pick up on that quickly, if they aren't too drunk to notice. Sorry that you acted faster than you would have liked, but the motive was right.

I'm confused about your feelings about the femme-acting guy. You envied some of what he was doing, since you knew about that part of yourself? But you also would like that self to "go away." Guess I'm not sure how much of your anger was directed at the femme guy, (or if any of it was.)

[Gelinda]

thanks Anita: I am still confused about why myself and the feelings I was having that night. I was upset with something and the feeling of rejection from earlier in the night was the rest for being in the bar in the first place. I still do not understand my own feels about the guy in the first place. Gelinda.

[CJ]

Hi all,

Gee,

The following may sound harsh or judgmental but it isn't meant as such, trust me.

Any action performed under the influence of drugs or alcohol stands a higher chance of being regretted later on. Yes, this even includes the things we say. It certainly includes the breaking of bones.

Was it alcohol that made you "fall back on Ranger training" instead of calling for resources deeper within yourself? Again, Gee, I'm not judging you (I'm in no position to do so, having said and done things I'm not too proud of, myself); I'm just trying to see and to understand if you have access to a part of you that isn't plagued by anger, shame, and bitterness. In the end, it's that part of you that's angry, ashamed, and bitter that you're trying to drown and smother. And it's that part of you that responded (automatically, as it were) to the behaviour of the "3 stupid guys." You know, these are issue that will only become clearer to you as you continue engaging in a dialog with your deepest self--with the help of your therapist.

My opinion is influenced by my pacifism so take what I say with a grain of salt. I have nothing against professional soldiers, nothing at all; they're human beings just like I am, with their own hopes, dreams, and desires. I just don't like a "system" that trains human beings to destroy other human beings. My guess (and I say this without really knowing you, Gee, so I may be way off base, here) is that you're fighting the beautiful, selfless, compassionate, consensual, and loving side of your personality precisely because of your military training. From what I know of such training (admittedly little), a lot is done to eradicate and eliminate these qualities from the personality of the modern soldier. Yes, I can see the positive side, too; a lot is also done to develop teamwork, co-operation, and loyalty (to both a cause and to other people who are a part of your unit). But do you see how this becomes almost redundant when you're on your own? when you're left with yourself? when, in a sense, you, yourself, are your own worst enemy?

Look again at Kyra's signature, where Leonardo DaVinci says, "There is no greater victory than mastery over oneself." That mastery includes acceptance of those things we cannot change. Often, acceptance is a much more difficult endeavour than combat. It requires a clear mind. And a loving heart. You have access to both of these, Gelinda, if only you can push through the barrier of self-destructive thought and behaviour you're currently facing. But... "the only way out is through." And you can push through, especially once you realize your own intrinsic worth as a person and that you are loved for who and what you are: a human being. You are loved by the people who know you, who are aware of your struggles, and who, by lending a hand or giving a word of encouragement where they can, may help you to come to a place where you'd be more able to love yourself. People here, on the forum; your therapist; those friends and family members who know you well; even your chosen deity (for I know you're a religious person): all can help you gain the strength and courage you need to fully become who you are and to act from your true center rather than from conditioning. This just might lessen the quantity of nightmares and broken dreams (and broken bones) in your world, Gee.

Before you think I sound high and mighty, though, let me assure you that I'm far from there, myself, in this regard. Like all of us, I'm just doing my best. And I take an immense pleasure in watching both other people as well as myself grow and become. Yes, even though there's a lot of pain involved. In a way, we're teething, like infants; the pain may keep us awake at night but, eventually, it'll lead to our growing a set of pearly whites so characteristic of a smile.

Now, about your feelings regarding the effeminate gent, I'm not sure I really understand what you're trying to say, Gee. Are you saying you identify with him? or that you feel protective of him? or of the woman he was with?

Anyway, don't be so hard on yourself. It leads you to be bone-breakingly hard on other people. Just let yourself grow; let yourself love yourself the way you did when you were a child, when everything was free and beautiful and fascinating. "None shall enter the Kingdom except they become as little children again."

In your darker moments, remember that there are people that cherish you. You now need only to cherish yourself.

Love,
CJ

[Gelinda]

Thanks CJ: You have answered a question I have side stepped with my therpyist for a long time. At my last session I asked about going into the depth of my buried past that I will not allow myself or anyone to get me to talk about. I am afraid of what my wife and others would think of me an run from the truth of what I have done. Anyway am going to go into that world this week with the therpyist. We had decided it last week together. She has been waiting on me so I found out for me to want to go there before saying anything which I do not understand I thought it was the therpyist place to make me go to places in my mind that I need to address an understand.


The looking an understanding of the female acting guy which I will call Joe to save typing.

CJ I am going to set the stage. I was already upset with being rejected in my mind that night something I do not handle well at all. So I decided since I was on expenses anyway I decided to get drunk. So I went to the hotel bar. Well Joe was setting at the bar and my partner was also. So I set down an started drinking I watched Joe an his mannerism's, as I am always making sure of the people around me. In a few minutes, his date showed up a nice looking lady. Well, I watched him as he had the pure mannerisms of a lady in the way he acted. I sort of studied him because I truly wished I could have part of Joe's mannerisms so that I could go out dressed sometime. I am too much the man in my mannerisms to go out in my en femme mode. He was so natural about it I was beginning to wonder if he was a female changing into a male. But his date did not act as if that was the case. Well over the next two hours I drank heavy and watched until I decided It was time to go for a walk about and clear my head before going to bed. Then the other part of the store happened which I have already written about. Well that is the whole story except for the part of getting myself of going to jail.

Thanks CJ for being so open as I believe in what you saw is the truth to my low self esteem and other issues.

Gelinda

[Beauty]

Hi Gee,

What other part did you write about? This is the first time I've ever heard about this particular story, I thought?

Beauty

[Gelinda]

Beauty: This is the only thread for the story. I am not proud of it but only because of the part where I could not turn it off an almost killed the third one. I know I have changed my mind about it some but us ladies are always doing that.

Gelinda

[Beauty]

Hi Gee,

Ok, I missed the part where you told the story of what happened. I won't lie, my hand went over my mouth and I gasped when I read about bones breaking.

Yes, I do think that was your ranger training and you not being in control of your senses because you'd been drinking. Yes, the guy was possibly effeminate, but there were 3 guys who could have pulled a lady away and harmed her in a sexually violent or violent way.

I think it's amazing that you took down 3 guys, while intoxicated no less. I don't know if you should be thinking about the guy as why you did that versus you protecting the lady, ya' know? Good thing for those guys that you and Virginia weren't there and drinking. Then again, maybe the site of your two (not dressed of course) would have caused them to leave without incident.

Look Gee. There are female armed forces personnel, female law officers, female martial art teachers, or females trained in self defense who, if they also had too much to drink, may have handled this the same way you did. So doing this doesn't make you less femme. It just means you are trained to handle these situations and now you know when you're intoxicated you may not know how to control you ability to hold back.

Wow... as this sinks in I'm totally amazed that you did that. I guess it's bad of me to say, "Way to go!", but way to go! I don't think your wife or family would be upset or disappointed in you helping people out. They'd think of you as a bit of a hero for saving those two from those idiots, but they'd probably not be happy about you drinking and putting yourself in danger. It could have been a bad scene if one of them had a gun.

Regardless Gee, you had to be in the right or those cops would have hauled you in too. Being able to protect a yourself or someone is a very attractive quality. I doubt your family would be put off by it, especially your wife. So pat yourself on the back for saying you've still got it. After you pat yourself on the back get back to thinking about how you shouldn't be drinking your problems away too because you could have been hurt.

I am kind of worried to though. Do you think the 3 amigos would try to get revenge? Do they know you? Do you live in that area? Were they punks that you aren't worried about anymore?

Ok.. as this settles in more. I hope you don't mind if I talk about this guy (Joe) for a sec because I relate to him. I didn't have an effeminate walk or anything, but I was skinny, short and when I called stores I'd get ma'am'd a lot. It wasn't an honor back then to me to be any of those 3. I always had people who'd protect me in school though (bodyguards). They were usually the toughest guys too. That's how I didn't get beaten up. So from reading your story I kind of have even more of a soft spot for you now. You reminded me of those guys who protected me when I was younger. Until now I never thought about maybe there was part of me they related with so maybe they were protecting me because they saw parts of me in them.

I think what you did does require some deep thought Gee, but I don't think you should feel down on yourself or feel guilty about it. You did the right thing protecting those two. The only thing you didn't do right that night was drink your problems away.

People get beaten up because those with low self-esteem look for trouble and find it on faces that don't look tough. Those two should have met at a coffee house and not a place where liquor is served perhaps? There are so many scenarios Gee, but in the end those 3 wanted trouble, but they didn't know you were going to be there as an equalizer that night.

Thanks for being so open and honest.

Beauty

[Gelinda]

Thanks Beauty:

As I do not write well. I am not upset at myself for what I did as the Lord put me in Florida and had me upset for a reason. The two things that I truly regret are 1. Drinking because I felt rejected which I will not go into as it affects others that we all know and it is my problem not theres.
2. I did knock the gun that was there in the third guys hand under a car by the way but I lost control with him and would have kill him if it was not for one of the others there pleading for me to stop. I lost control as I have a few times in the past which is a fear I live with everyday.

Beauty I was a lot like you in school also except I had no Bodyguards but when I did give in to the rage I always went too far.

Thanks a Million. Gee.

[Absaroka]

Hi Gee,

I am a bit unclear as to how much danger Joe and his lady friend were in. If they were in fact in real danger then you did the right thing. Or maybe you over reacted. I don't know. Broken arms and legs heal and are a good way of incpacitating someone, as opposed to a broken skull which might not heal.

I think you want to be grateful for feeling badly about nearly killing the third guy. Because there are people who would have. It is your conscience telling you that you wree on the verge of going way too far. Without that you would be no better than them.

I think you are right to say that you need to talk to your therapist about your feelings about Joe and who you are. If you aren't willing to talk to the therapist about this sort of thing what is the point of going?

I really want to thank you for your post. I have these feelings but not the ability to carry them out effectively. Hearing from someone who does is always sobering.

As for the drinking, those of us with anger problems find drinking can be very dangerous. Sounds like you already know about that though

Andrea

[Gelinda]

Thanks Andrea: There was a gun in the one guys hand when I stepped in. I will PM about the drinking and anger part. Gee thanks a million.