Know they self and accept who you are

[VickiCD]

A Cross dresser has to deal with many issues in life, but the hardest part for some is how to deal with ones sexuality, identity and incorporating it into ones life. The biggest fear is acceptance. And to be accepted, you must be willing to tell the truth with family members and friends. Not an easy thing for most, and for some it is a matter of what they truly want in life and don’t really care what others think. This can result in a good or bad thing, yet the results are based on how you approach or handle it. Just be prepared for it, and if that is the direction you are planning to take. There are consequences you must be willing to accept.

Of all people you know your family or friends better than anyone else. Imagine what you are going through, trying to keep your cross dressing a secret from others. And the more you suppress your emotions and desires from being what you want; the stress alone can affect your physical and mental state of mind.

Many in such cases always indicate how depress they feel, but it is important to remember that the main reason you’re depressed is because you have low self-esteem, not because you’re a cross dresser. An important point to take note off, your desires to be a cross dresser has nothing to do with you feeling depress.

And the reason you have low self-esteem is because you haven’t accepted yourself. You are hearing your family or friends words and trying to quit an activity that you have no real intention or ability to quit. Then you are beating yourself up for continuing to do the thing that really makes you happiest. Thus, you are holding back the ability to self-express yourself for what you truly are.

Start with self-acceptance. Truly accept yourself for who you are and you will feel a sense of peace and the beginnings of true self-esteem. As long as you don’t accept your true self, your self-esteem will suffer.

As for your sexuality, you are in a very special category, and don’t fit into the definition of straight, gay or bi. People’s sexual needs come in all shapes and sizes. Don’t try to fit yourself into a conventional mold – it just won’t work. In time you will come to know more about yourself, your wants, desires, etc. Deal with what is vitally important right now.

Look for a partner, male or female or somewhere in between, who will accept you exactly the way you are, and who will love you with all your lovely lingerie. Don’t pretend to be what you’re not. Put your cards on the table when you first become interested in someone and they show they’re interested in you. That’s the time to let them know about your cross-dressing. That way you protect yourself from becoming too involved with someone who is only going to reject you as soon as they find out about it.

It is a known fact, that when you are allowed to express your feminine side, certain positive qualities are revealed within your character; it becomes part of you, who you are as an individual. That quality, which separates you from the normal heterosexual male, is what makes you unique and special. If your partner or friend admires and recognized this in you, then it is because it is part of your essence, your feminine side that truly brings it out. You are truly special.

VickiCD

[Beauty]

Hi Vicki,

Great advice.

Gracie

[KarenW]

Sounds good and I experience moments of this elusive self-acceptance but nothing lasting. I think I've got it then will hear some transphobic comment coming from somewheres and can't let it go. It sets me off. Then my mind starts to racing. Am I going to hell? Why am I like this, is it the Devil? Do I need to let God deliver me from this wrong behavior pattern? Why is everyone around me seemingly against this kind of thing? How can I be right and so many others be wrong, especially God-fearing folks. The few times I am walking in self-acceptance are completely peaceful and makes life enjoyable. But the down times make me wish I'd never been born or were just dead. Family ,friends, co-workers, none of them understand this,is it just plain old ignorance, or is it me that is ignorant as to what I'm supposed to be,i.e. totally male in gender and sex? I get this feeling of why don't you stand up and be the MAN God intened you to be? I am on a tear today, primarioly due to some things I've heard in the past few days. Sorry, but I am at wit's end.

[KarenW]

Am I walking aorund looking for things to be offended by, expecting some special treatment from the world? I am mad at the world, making just as much of a judgement on it from MY point of view, not from what IT really is, reality. Gotta snap out of it.

[Loretta Ann]

Sounds good and I experience moments of this elusive self-acceptance but nothing lasting. I think I've got it then will hear some transphobic comment coming from somewheres and can't let it go. It sets me off. Then my mind starts to racing. Am I going to hell? Why am I like this, is it the Devil? Do I need to let God deliver me from this wrong behavior pattern? Why is everyone around me seemingly against this kind of thing? How can I be right and so many others be wrong, especially God-fearing folks. The few times I am walking in self-acceptance are completely peaceful and makes life enjoyable. But the down times make me wish I'd never been born or were just dead. Family ,friends, co-workers, none of them understand this,is it just plain old ignorance, or is it me that is ignorant as to what I'm supposed to be,i.e. totally male in gender and sex? I get this feeling of why don't you stand up and be the MAN God intened you to be? I am on a tear today, primarioly due to some things I've heard in the past few days. Sorry, but I am at wit's end.

Hi Karen,

The short answer is that you are allowing others to control you. The long answer is that it may be a longer journey to get to where you are free from that.

[Virginia]

Hi Karen,
A lot of your sisters here have - are - or will be where you are. I can inundate you with platitudes, but only a few.
No it is not easy being us - if like the saying goes, "It is hard to soar with the eagles when the turkeys keep holding you down!"
Virtually all the great philosophers have said in one form or another, "WE are responsible for our own happiness."
You have got to ask yourself - deep introspection here - just how important is Karen to you???? You can do this dressed. looking in a mirror or those deep thoughts as we lay in our bed at night, lights out, eyes closed.
For me and those of my sisters who have proceeded beyond the aspect of dressing being the primary part of our feminine existence. Allowing the feminine qualities that hopefully surface for us to become an integral part of our everyday existence. Empathy, love, understanding, caring, gentleness, sharing. crying, laughing, giving that helping hand to those we come into contact with that are struggling, Not seeking recognition or reward just wanting to extend our concern for others -- that is the "GIFT" that we can offer, our Gift to share with those we come into contact with. It is not about us it is what our Gift can do for others.
Struggling yes we all do, but we must never lose sight of our design, the ability to call upon "Karen" to help make someone's else's journey a bit easier.
You will get through this, honey, just be proud, hold your head up, smile and enjoy your "Magical Mystery Tour!"
Virginia

[Sally]

Hi Karen,

As human beings we're all different individuals, not just on the inside but the outside. No better example of this is the fact we can walk through a city of millions of people without noticing any person in particular, but if we suddenly see someone we know in the crowd passing by, we instantly recognise them because even though they have all the same bits and pieces as every one else, they have their own personal look unique to themselves, even in a crowd of millions. There are countless anomalies which put the lie to the conception that there are just females and males. Sorting ourself out is difficult enough even if there is nothing out of the ordinary about us, but if there is something extraordinary about us then it becomes a more complex self discovery exercise, if we allow it to.

In trying to come to terms with who we are and what we are, we can sometimes fall into a self deception condition or process and this is something we need to try and avoid. Being honest with ourself is where we begin to blossom into the person we wish to be, the person who enjoys life to the fullest possible extent and able to ward off those sly glances and snide remarks. No person is devoid of their own personal 'stigma', it's just that some of us wear it more visibly than others. I know it can be difficult to find the right balance at times, but if we work at self belief that we're as good as anyone else on earth, then we begin the healing phase. The world generally has a naive view about gender and sex, but it is slowly changing.

I know it can be difficult dealing with what some as being different, because as human beings we're herd animals, and as such, even though we're all individuals and independant we also have that desire to 'run with the herd' so to speak. Trying to accomodate our needs and those of the herd can create emotional problems, but as humans we have creative minds and creative minds recognise our own potentials and the means of achieving them.

Sometimes we can be our own worst enemy because our mind works on similar principles to the laws of physics. But it can also work in our favour as well, it's a matter of mind training and self control. If our mind is focussed and moving in a particular direction it tends to remain in that motion until an outside force is brought to bear on it. So, if we're focussed in our mind in a self acceptance direction and acceptance of who and what we are, and an outside force, e.g those transphobic comments you speak of, are brought to bear, then, as in the law of physics, two things can happen. You can let that 'outside force' stress you into taking another direction or you can accelerate in your direction of motion, which in turn protects you from those outside forces e.g transphobic negative comments. Be more positive and the more you hear negative comments then accelerate your direction of motion towards your self acceptance and do what you do and you'll repel those outside forces. You'll grow immune to them.

We have to remember that the perfect human being hasn't been born yet and we have no possible idea of what other people do behind closed doors, and really it doesn't concern me. But the point is that no person is free of 'stigma', (for want of a better word), and those 'stigmas' may be seen as unacceptable or just plain diffrent by their peers if they were revealed. Some people will accept us, others won't, that's a simple fact of life, it applies to all walks of life, not just us, and as difficult as it can be at times, we have to accept that there is no possible way we can make anyone, and I stress, anyone, understand how it is for us. Unless someone is of our own ilk then no words or actions can ever make it so they really understand. The best we can hope for is that people can come to accept that in the main, it isn't a conscious choice we make and we're only doing what nature intended and we intend no harm.

Just remember, when you hear snide remarks or there are sly knowing glances, those people don't have the courage to reveal what they are hiding and you're just as good, if not better than they are. When people act in this way it says more about them than it does about you. Revel in your experience, self knowledge and the discovery of the depth of your emotional needs, and a new world can open for you. Don't just tolerate who you are, celebrate it. As I've said before, when we celebrate we open many doors, when we just tolerate ourself we build fences. Dispel your illusions and embrace the reality and enjoy the journey. I wish you well.

Kind Regards,

Sally.

[KarenW]

Thanks for responding to all, I needed to hear that this morning before I get started. Sally there was a brief time I was at the point of acceptance about 2-3 years ago, but somehow backslid into my current muck. That was a time when I was meditating daily, attached to nothing but open to everything. Someone said the other day, and I cannot remember whether it was on these boards or not. Nature loves diversity, unfortunately society does not. I Gotta keep that in my mind. Everyone operates from his/her own level of consciousness too. That is just the way it is. I think I do walk around looking for stuff to get upset over and that is a problem that affects the CDing . Funny thing is, I don't do that in any other area of life and for the most part accept everyone else as they are. But then I find myself judging those who would judge what I do, which is a case of two wrongs don't make a right. I knew all of these things but needed some reminders I guess. I am so tired of struggling. Thanks. And you are so right, a persons judgements don't define the person they are judging only themselves.

[Sally]

Hi Karen,

Yes, it's one of my most oft used phrases, 'Nature loves variety, society hates it', and variety applies right across the board with every living plant or animal, it's a fact which so many in the community never think about or want to think about.

We all have our down days from time to time and we probably always will, but that just shows we're human and really not so different from anyone else. The fact that you say that previously you were almost at a point of acceptance shows that you can achieve it and if you really want to, then you eventually will.

Although nobody has any choice in how they were born and probably little choice over most things as a small child, we as adults, now do have choices at our fingertips. Life is all about choice. We choose where we live, what work we do, what car we drive, who our friends are, we choose our partners and so on and so on. We also have the choice of whether we hide ourselves away in a dark corner and feel depressed, guilty or whatever, or we can choose to face the world head on and say this is how I am and how I'll always be until the day I die, accept me or not, but I'm going to live my life as I choose. It's our choice and we only have limited time to live it in. My greatest fear used to be that one day when I was old and feeble (if I lived that long) I would look back and say ' I wish I had of....', but the only thing we get looking back is a stiff neck.

We have to accept that the world isn't going to change anytime soon in how the majority of the community thinks about people like us. Although there have been good advances in our favour in the last 30 years, it takes at least one generation and usually two for any major changes in how the majority of people react to something as controversial as Crossdressing or Transgenderism. Knowing this we have the choice of what we do about our own personal situation. We can bow to the pressure or we can hold our head up and look them in the eye. It's our choice, and remember, we only have limited time and every day which passes is either one more day where the angst builds up or it can be one more day we have to enjoy and celebrate who we are, it's our choice.

Society moves at a snail's pace in changing fixed ideas and there's really nothing we can do to speed it up regarding how society feels about us, BUT WE CAN CHANGE OURSELVES and we can do that rather quickly if we choose to. If we choose to get into the situation of being an irristable force meeting an immovable object then it's us who is going to suffer the most, not society, so for us to be able to live a happy fulfilling life as who and what we are or want to be, then something has to give and you can bet Aunt Mabels Sunday bonnet that it isn't going to be society. It's a matter of getting into the right frame of mind and believing you have the right to be who you choose to, whatever anyone else thinks. People around us in the community make and live their own choices, and we have that right too as long as what we do is within any Statute or Common Laws of the land.

I wish you well and I hope you can find your way through this. My motto is that I can't do a damn thing about yesterday, but if I do a good enough job of today then tomorrow will take care of itself.

Kind Regards,

Sally.

[Charlotte]

Very well stated Sally. You get your message across eloquently and descriptively. I'm travelling the same road and I know that as I have learned to accept more of my feminine side because that is a major part of who I really am the days have gotten brighter, the air fresher, the flowers smell sweeter and so on. It's like coming out of the shadows into the sunshine. The inner turmoil subsides and life is a beautiful thing. We all need support on our journey and in my case my SO has helped me so much to understand I am who I am and she loves who I am without reservation. When I bared my soul and revealed my innermost self to her it was like a rebirth of sorts and since then we have grown so much closer in every way. Knowing what I know now my only regret is that I didn't start my journey a few decades earlier. So many unfullfilled years.
As you said Sally the journey starts with self acceptance.

[Anita]

That's a good opening post, Vicki. It is a series of reminders about who we are, and the kind of situation we find ourselves in. I have not thought much about low self-esteem in connection with CDing. I'm not denying that it can be there--I just don't know how prominent it has been in the lives of the CDs I know, or in my own life. CDing was not really a part of my self-esteem problems as an adult--it was low on the list of things that gave me problems. So I find this a gray area, in my own experience.

Karen, it can be troubling to be around people who constantly judge this way of life. Easy for me to say that you should begin to move away from being around that type of person. It may be the church you belong to, and that's hard to leave. I stayed away from churches for years, but I found the Unitarians to be OK to be around. I go there both as a guy and as a girl, though not on a regular basis.