The Journey- Where are we going?

[Elizabeth]

Hi girls,

I thought I would write a thread about "The Journey" or as my sister Virginia would say "Our Magical Mystery Tour". It's about living our lives, with this unique gift we have without shame or guilt.

There are many of us who have undergone dramatic life changes as a result of confronting this gift. Those who choose to comdemn us, do so with the support of society's underpinnings and indeed sometimes even the law which labels us as degenerates.

I have taken some bold steps in the last year. I went from not dressing at all for fourteen years, to dressing full time, in less than two months. I went from trying to kill myself, to embracing who I was and loving being alive in a similar period of time.

I had a very ugly divorce where my children had to see some pretty nasty behavior that they should never have been subjected to. I have no excuse except to say, I did the best I could with the tools I had at the time.

But through it all, I became the person I always wanted to be. The real me. The me that only wears girls clothes. I met Raven(SO) in an IRC chat room that I have frequented for the last 9 years. She had already seen my homepage and knew me only as Elizabeth. We fell in love, and soon we were talking on the phone every day.

She not only accepted me for the person I was, she embraced who I was. She was not inscure about me being transgendered. She valued the person I really was. She was not worried about what society might think or what her family my think. A very forward thinking person.

She has since come to California and we married. I must say, we really get along great. We go everywhere together. We do everything together. If she is embarassed in any way, you would never know it. We go to the store, we go the the movies, we go out to eat, we go to the post office, we go to the mall. We walk hand in hand, and indeed kiss and hug in public.

Because I am disabled and live on my SS disability, we live a very modest life. But we do live in Southern California, which is pretty expensive compared to many parts of the country.

I will be starting college soon and will be attending in full dress, just as I live the rest of my life. This leaves me with the final hurdle to leap. The work force. Finding a way into the work force as a transgendered person is my last obstical to overcome. I am confindent I will find a way to do this simply because I must.

Now here I am, I have been dressing as a woman and living my life out in the open for well over a year now. My desire to do this has not diminished even a little, in fact it feels better than ever. It seems the days of the hard times, emotional ourbursts and sense of hopelessness have been replaced by happy times, emotional ourbursts of joy and a profound sense of optomism about my future.

I know there must be many of you out there, who like I used to feel, see no way you can live your life as you wish to, whatever that may mean. The consequences seem too great, the price just too high. I say to you that as hard as it was confronting this, I for sure would not only do it again if given the chance, I would have done it much sooner.

If you have obsticals that are keeping you from being happy, they will not cure themselves. Things will not get better by themselves. And yes, confronting this means risking rejection. This is a real fear and a real fact. Many people who are more worried about what society thinks of them than what they think of you, will shun you. Friends, family, coworkers, aquantences will all shun you perhaps.

But when the dust clears, you will know who really loves and cares about you. You will know those who only cared about you, for what you had to offer them and those who truely care about you. And if that scares you, finding out who is who, it is quite daunting. Those who I expected to stand with me, did not. I was truely surprised by those who did, it was family and friends that really cared about the person I was.

So now I live a life where I know where I stand with everyone in my life. Everyone who is going with me on my magical mystery tour do so with complete knowledge of who and what I am. I no longer live in fear of anyone finding out about me and not loving me any more. Instead, I live in a world where everyone knows I am Elizabeth and always have been.

I can't help but wonder where this is all going. I feel a complete sense of peace with myself, and yet and exhuberance about what the future may hold. It has been a difficult struggle to get here, but having done it, I would have it no other way.

I come and read on the forum every day, just about and I am amazed that very few people have any conflicts in thier lives, about thier dressing. Seems the biggest problems anyone has is what they are going to wear to thier next cding event. Not much discussion except about what someone bought, or what someone would like to buy.

I guess other than a select few, not too many people need support. I don't understand why my whole life it seems everyone has a much easier time than me. I read about people having nice cordial divorces or splitups and remain friends. I guess I was lucky all of you here have such a better grasp on all of this than me.

As many new members as we get, still almost no one is having any problems. I guess that is a good thing, I just wish I knew the secret. With all the bliss I now have in my life, I still have sad times. I sometimes get sad that I will never transition. I get sad that I wasted a large part of my life, that I could have been living as the real me. In fact had I confronted this sooner, I could have transitioned.

I am going to live my life as a woman. Perhaps in time I will get my hair lasered off, get some beast implants, perhaps even castration, since I can not take t-blockers. Time will tell. For now, my future is with my new wife, my children, and school. How that plays out will determine what choices i make in the future.

The future truely is uncertain. And I am truely looking forward to it.

Love always,
Elizabeth

[Anita]

Hi Elizabeth--
A very nice post, that sums up a lot of what you've said in the past.

I happen to be at peace with the whole idea of transition either waiting out there ahead, or maybe never happening fully. I have had problems with that whole idea of transition in the past year, being friends with post-op women, and wondering where I was headed with all of this.

Right now I don't worry about it, and I still see my friends. One is still recovering from surgery in July. She's doing fine, and she and her wife are getting along well. Michelle went very slowly in her journey, to keep her wife in step with her for choices that needed to be made at each stage.

I have a new therapist, and at the moment I'm honing in on a long-standing problem that can affect all parts of me. So we aren't talking gender at the moment.

I still see me living more fulltime as an older woman, 10 or 15 years from now.

[Loretta Ann]

I come and read on the forum every day, just about and I am amazed that very few people have any conflicts in thier lives, about thier dressing. Seems the biggest problems anyone has is what they are going to wear to thier next cding event. Not much discussion except about what someone bought, or what someone would like to buy.

There are a good many here who do have conflicts in their lives that are centered around their cross-dressing. Who do not openly reveal it on the forum. It usually does not surface here until it is in the crises time. But it does surface.

I know there must be many of you out there, who like I used to feel, see no way you can live your life as you wish to, whatever that may mean. The consequences seem too great, the price just too high. I say to you that as hard as it was confronting this, I for sure would not only do it again if given the chance, I would have done it much sooner.

If you have obsticals that are keeping you from being happy, they will not cure themselves. Things will not get better by themselves. And yes, confronting this means risking rejection. This is a real fear and a real fact. Many people who are more worried about what society thinks of them than what they think of you, will shun you. Friends, family, coworkers, aquantences will all shun you perhaps.

But when the dust clears, you will know who really loves and cares about you. You will know those who only cared about you, for what you had to offer them and those who truely care about you. And if that scares you, finding out who is who, it is quite daunting. Those who I expected to stand with me, did not. I was truely surprised by those who did, it was family and friends that really cared about the person I was.

So now I live a life where I know where I stand with everyone in my life. Everyone who is going with me on my magical mystery tour do so with complete knowledge of who and what I am. I no longer live in fear of anyone finding out about me and not loving me any more. Instead, I live in a world where everyone knows I am Elizabeth and always have been.

And you find out that you did not need those who you thought would support you and didn't after all. In fact you find that you are better off with out them.
What a big surprise!!!! The world did not come to an end after all... WOW!!!

But through it all, I became the person I always wanted to be. The real me.

That to me is where we all should be headed. Any thing less cheats us out of our inheritance.

[Beauty]

Hi Elizabeth,

I think it will be good for people who are new and didn't know about your story to here.

You're different than a crossdresser though. You are admitting you're a transsexual and the readers here are mostly crossdressers.

When you were going through things that were horrible at the time it looked really bad. You were outed to your family and you went through a very tough divorce. You were on disability so you didn't have to worry about affecting your pay check because, though it was a humble amount, you were going to get it no matter what you wore. The internal limitations that hold back lots of people from expressing more about themselves were lifted for you.

You did have to deal with finding a mate and walking the streets as someone who presented themselves as a man in a dress. Things have changed now and you're now saying you're a woman. Most CD'rs won't relate with that because they don't want to live full-time. Most wives, (maybe including my own one day) didn't think that's what they signed up for. It has nothing to do with loving you, it's just more of can they do this the rest of their lives?

In the end though Elizabeth I'm proud of you the individual. You've shown such strength, you've learned about yourself, you've expressed yourself, and you've grown to love yourself. That's been the coolest part about you to me. I think you're wonderful.

Gracie

[Elizabeth]

Hi girls,

Yes, I am transsexual, but to me I will always be a crossdresser. I realize that many people feel that transsexuals can not be "true" crossdressers, I am not among them. Most people who see me or come in contact with me do not say "oh! there goes a transsexual". They say "look!! a crossdresser".

And while there are some semantics about all of this, in the end I am still a man who puts on girls clothes. I have been through and continue to have many of the same problems that most crossdressers will have. Yes, most crossdressers are not going to be thinking about transitioning, at least not seriously. And most crossdressers both identify with and enjoy the male part of themselves, both of which I do not relate to.

So while my journey is different than many here, in many ways it is the same. The biggest difference between any of us has more to do with who we are out to, than what our crossdressing means to us personally. The feel of the clothes, the accessories, the shoes, the makeup and the smile we see in the mirror when we are dressed that we just do not see anywhere else.

To all of my sisters out there, I am quite pleased to associate myself with such a misunderstood group of people, who seek only to be happy while trying to understand this "thing" that brings us all together here. In that regard, I will always be a crossdresser.

Love always,
Elizabeth

[Needra]

Hi ELIZ : You are such a work in progress-It looks to me that you got all theright things firing at the the same time -way to go gal -nee

[Absaroka]

Elizabeth that was another wonderful and inspiring post.

I don't have as many conflicts about dressing because it is mostly just that, dressing. Some of the conflicts have been addressed here and many also by my therapist who has been very helpful. My biggest conflict in that area is something I haven't posted about in a while which is the concealment issue.

On the other hand I have other conflicts which are biggies and I just don't write about them here. Number one is probably the continuing struggle of coming to grips with my own childhood demons as they reappear with respect to my children. Another is simply that of aging and my physical strength is not what it used to be which means all the roaming around the mountains I used to do is becoming less feasible which makes me very sad. Currently I am having physical therapy for an injury and operation last spring and I had really hoped to be further along than I am right now.

But both of these issues were, on a very deep level, addressed in your post with regard to self acceptance and the whole life as a journey idea.

Andrea

[Charlotte]

What an interesting topic for discussion. I believe the road that most transgendered people travel is rocky and not an easy path to follow. The spectrum of the community is huge ranging from casual crossdressers on one end to true transexuals on the other. What I want to know is where does crossdressing end and transgenderism begin. And where does transgenderism end and transexualism begin. To clarify things in my own mind on a scale of 1 to 10, I have CDers occupying the 1,2,3 and 4 rungs on the ladder and transexuals occupying the 8.9 and 10 rungs on the ladder.

That leaves rungs 5,6 and 7 for those I call "transgendered" and I include myself in that group. I believe the people in this grouping have the most difficult road to travel. We are neither sporadic CDers who can easily leave their CDing episodes behind when they revert back to male mode nor are we transexuals who live for the day they can undergo SRS and free the woman trapped within. We are neither fish nor fowl so to speak. I consider us the inbetweeners.

In my own case as I got older it seems the urge to become female grew stronger. During the past 50 years there were times when the urge was almost unbearable. This was intensified I believe by suppressing and being in denial and of course I was deep in the closet because being by nature a private individual I find it most difficult to unburden myself about anything. It was only with the knowledge and encouragement I got from this forum that I was able to come out to my wife and since then my life has been so much better. My long time SO has been an absolute rock and incredibly understanding and supportive and because of her I now have some sense of equilibrium in my life. I hope the days of anquish and turmoil are gone forever. When I think back how desperate, stupid and uninformed I was a year ago I can only shake my head.

I believe that when I was in the womb something misfired and my brain ended up wired 50% female and 50% male. That's my theory and I'm sticking by it. Anyway, now I live approximately 50% female and 50% male and that somehow seems to work and satisfy the yearning within. When Charlotte is home my wife says my face actually beams. I do know that she (Charlotte) gives me inner peace and tranquility and that's something that I rarely enjoyed before. I have never tried to pass and haven't much desire to venture outside our home.

I can only say THANK GOD for the internet because of the role in can play in educating and bringing together people in similar circumstances. It's a rocky journey we travel. I know, I know I said that before.

God bless all.

[Charlotte]

When I read my post above I realized I hadn't given myself a grade on my numbered transgendered scale. After a lot of thought I think I would have to give me a strong 7 (borderline transexual). However, at my age I am not interested in pursuing or exploring that option.

[Virginia]

I hope this is not getting away from sister Elizabeth's original thread, but I must repost what happened to me last week-end and I can only hope that some of you (who want this) can have it happen to you. I think it is a once in a life time event and it, for me will never come again - it does not need to, as it is now seemingly ingrained in my very being. It was about 2:00am , I was in a private club in Richmond, Virginia. It was what was called T-girls niight (First Friday every month) my first time there and there were about 25 - 30 of us. I felt "in my element." Everyone was so nice and we were just talking, some dancing, just having fun. I went to the restroom and when I came out, like most of us would do, adjusted my skirt, fixed my sweater, and walked to the mirror to "check my look." I put my purse on the counter, got our my lipstick, took the top off, bent slightly forward looked into the mirror and 'IT' hit! I saw who you see in my avatar looking back at me and every fiber of my being, every cell in my body, my brain all seemed to begin screaming at once - " THIS IS SOOOOOOOOO RIGHT!" I vaguely remember my friend Jean who was with me, like she was far, far away saying, "Virginia, are you all right?" I had trears running down my cheek - It just felt sooooo good!! I can not describe it. I guess, if I could have one wish for all of you is that you (if this is what you want) can experience that feeling once in your lifetime -it is incrediable - to know who you are and what you are doing, although challenged by society and who knows (or cares) who else -it is right for you! It makes you who you are and you feel content and happy beyond your wildest expectations! If You have experienced this I can guarantee you know it --if you only think you "might" have you have NOT! When it hits you you will know it without a doubt!
No matter what happens to me "down the road," I will have this "happening" to comfort me from now until I reach room temperature.
Again, I can only hope and pray that if you are looking for this this "conversion" that you find it and that SHE blesses you with the contentment that comes with it!
I Love you all,
Virginia

[Loretta Ann]

I have had that experience many times over.

[Charlotte]

I have also experienced the same thing many number of times. It feels sooo right and I then feel the real me emerge and it's wonderful. The woman within is free to grow and flourish and the battle within subsides.

[Virginia]

Loretta ( Hi SIS) and Charlotte, I am not saying that you did not experience what I did, but it was such an absolute, deep, moving experience. One that I have never even come close to feeling before. Are you saying I could actually experience that again??? If so I will take it, but it is difficult to think that such an absolute moving experience could happen more than once in a lifetime!! I am also glad to know that others of my sisters have had a taste of that - it was wonderful!
Virginia
PS: Maybe it is just a Canadian thing for it to repeat?

[Eva]

A clarifying question might also be "The Journey -- where we have been."

love,
eva

[Virginia]

Eva,
First --- you are soooooo cute!!!!
Now you know that we all have 20/20 hindsight and what we can do is carry on with pride! There is an old saying: "It is the poineers that take the arrows." We have had some very brave pioneers who have blazed some wide trails for us who have followed and they have sure made our journey a lot easier. Yes, we can love and support each other here in the relatively safe and comfortable bunker of this forum, but "that don't feed the bulldog." (Gosh, I am full of platitudes today! sorry 'bout that!) Anyway, we have one pioneer amongst us - Elizabeth!!! Someone willing to simply say, "screw you, this is me and if you don't like it - tough!!!" She is my heroine! and I think a lot of her sisters here feel the same way!
We may not be able or want to take on the things she has accomplished, but she has made her mark not only on us, but on a lot of people that she has come into contact with. People who are now even more aware that there is a diversity of folks out there, even greater than they may have imagined. Hindsight, yes, and "those who ignore history are bound to repeat it." We are learning what works for us and what does not
When I stood up (en drab) in front of a group of gays and lesbians and told them I was a crossdresser and that I wanted to come to their formal dinner dance, I took a stand not only for me but for us. Yes they let me and I had a ball. Inroads, life is short, but we can still influence events not only in our own lives but those of our sisters and that is what I want to do -- to try and make it even easier for the ladies that follow us.
First start to the right and straight on till mornin!!
God bless all my sisters - I think SHE does!
Virginia