Do You Tell Your Children?

[Jeannie]

Hello ladies, Im Jeannie. I have a question for you all but first a short background. I'm 55 years old with 2 great kids in college. John Paul age 19 at The University of Southern Maine (Music and piano, organ major) and a daughter Katie 22 at The University of Hartford.(Creative writing and Philosophy major) Great kids. My wife of twenty five years has been cheating on me for tje last 6 years with a married man at her school. She is a 5th grade teacher. I caught them 2 years ago in our home and since then she an I have been roomates but good ones. She will be moving into a little condo at the end of October. I still care for her and will always help her. We are not getting a divorce but will live separate lives. I came out to her two months ago and she's soort of accepted it. I dress every night and morning before work and on that level never felt better. My question is: I'd like to tell my kids but my wife says no way. I've told 3 of my wife's girlfriends and my best friend's (who died March 8th) wife. My friends wife still likes me and I go to her house to paint and dress en femme to cook for her and she is absolutley wonderful. What a gem. I haven't heard from my wifes friends since I told them. Oh well. What do ladies think I shoiud do? Once your out I feel so good. I nknow it's foolish but I want people to know the real me after 55 years. Big Hugs and kisses. I'll be waiting to here your opinions.

Love Jeannie

[Virginia]

HI Jeannie,
Tough question, probably the toughest we all face. We don't want to loose the love of our children, but then again we hope we have raised them to be tolerent of "new things." There are various ways to look at this and it will depend on your on philosophy. First, it is undenible that we are responsible for our own happiness. You are finding yours with your friend and the fact that you are able to dress when you want. You and I are not much different in age or situation. I too have a friend that accepts Virginia and as for my wife, well that's another story. My wife outted me to both my children when I came out to her several years ago. Fortunately they both accepted it, well, as best they could. I do not, needless to say. dress infront of them nor my grandchildren and what few times I see either of them it never comes up. Well, my daughter brings it up but it is no big deal to her. You just have to know your children. You might start by asking them about the campus population and if there are any Gay/Lesbian groups on campus or have they seen any crossdressing students and just kind of get a feeling of how they feel about various "altenative lifestyles." I hope I don't have to tell you that it is best NOT to just blert out that you are a crossdresser and definitely don't just show-up dressed in front of them. Tell the truth, that as we get older sometimes our personalities and interests take on different interests and you have begun exploring your feminine side and that your new friend is helping you explore this new side of you.
NO it isn't easy, when the children are involved, but one thing that seems to be on our side is that as we get older we get a bit more militant and a bit more "in your face." You just have to ask yourself, how important is Jeannie to you and how far are you willing to go to preserve her.
Don't know if I helped much, and you will find many of my sisters here considerably more articulate than I so look at your options and find where you are and what seems to work for you and most of all let us know how you are doing on your "Magical Mystery Tour!
Love,
Virginia

[Stephanie W]

Hi Jeannie

Virginia gave you some good advice. Mine would be to seek out an opportunity to tell your kids yourself as they should be old enough to deal with it, whether ultimately supportive or not. Perhaps starting with your daughter. Even though your wife says no to telling them, I would be concerned she might do it herself, should you both have a falling out. If that happened and she were to tell them with a negative view, it could affect your relationship with your kids. If it came from you, at least then, it would be on your terms.

Stephanie

[DonnaT]

I told both my kids (26 and 27 yrs old) recently. My son has no problems with it. My daughter hasn't discussed it with me yet, but I think she's been avoiding me. She's always been distant from my wife and me, plus she made a mistake a couple of months ago I think she's avoiding also. So I can't really tell if she's avoiding me because I'm trans or if it is other things. Her birthday is coming up and we usually go to dinner, so I reckon I'll find out more then, maybe.

The reason I told my son was he lives here, and thought he should know what my wife and I were arguing about one night. Turned out he already knew from what is on my computer.

The reason I told my daughter was my wife kept asking why I hadn't told her since I had told our son.

[Elizabeth]

Hi Jeannie,

When I came out of the closet last year, I told all my children. Girl 21, boy 17, boy 13, and boy 10. The older two both said they knew from going through my things. I never made a serious attempt to hide my things. They were in my drawers.

And while no one can make any gaurantees about the outcome of such disclosures, all my kids have accepted me, and some are even quite supportive. My oldest son and the now 14 year old both live with me and my new wife. All of thier friends know and really no one makes a big deal of it all.

I felt that my children were entitled to know who I really am, but more than that, they had to know so that I could live my life in the open. I intended on living my life in women's clothes and that meant that everyone who was going to continue this journey with me, was going to have to deal with it.

For me, I just could not live one more day with the secret. For me, letting go of the secret has been the best thing that has ever happened to me. Now I can finally be a sincere person, not have a front. I can not describe how it feels to finally not be living a lie. This is me, a man in a dress.

Love always,
Elizabeth

[Cathy L. Anderson]

Hi Jeannie,

I know it's foolish but I want people to know the real me after 55 years. Big Hugs and kisses. I'll be waiting to here your opinions.

Since you asked, here is my opinion, obviously limited by not knowing much much of your particular situation:

I don't believe the "real you" is a woman. The real you is a human being who is trying to integrate maleness and femaleness. As you have not yet achieved that, you don't really know the real you yourself. Therefore you cannot show the real you to others. You are hopefully growing, but the growth is incomplete. It's neither fair nor productive to lay this on others. It puts them in the extremely awkward position of having to pretend to accept the new you as the real you, when it really isn't. Then, it puts you in the position of pretending to yourself that the current you is the real you, because other people are now pretending to accept this as you.

Nobody NEEDS to be understood. Basically, that's a childish need. The mature person says, as in the prayer of St. Francis, "Grant that I may not so much seek to be understood, as to understand others."

This is just opinion and speculation on my part.

Cathy

[Loretta Ann]

Hi Cathy,

Nobody NEEDS to be understood. Basically, that's a childish need.

WOW!!! I am impressed. Very boldly said. That is a very huge step for many to make. But I agree. 100%

[Kyra]

Hi Jeannie,

Your question is one that I've been dealing with lately. My wife knows, as does her best friend, but none of my friends are privvy to my CDing. My children are still young, and my wife (Amber) and I are in disagreement as to whether or not they should know. I want to tell them, she doesn't. We moved to Colorado in May, and my mother-in-law now lives with us. It's been pretty difficult hiding this from her, so I am debating how to proceed. She's a retired teacher and I honestly don't think she would bat an eyelash at the news. We get along very well, and she's pretty open minded. Truthfully I just want to talk to Amber first, before telling mom.

I mention all of this, basically to show that every situation is different. Just like every person is different. Our lives parallel in many aspects, but in actuality, we are still very unique. I am very logical in most of my decisions. I weigh pros and cons and then choose based on the outcome. Sometimes though, logic doesn't dictate what needs to be done. My fears kick in and I become chicken. Other times the opposite is true. My passion overrides my brain and I just blurt out whatever pops into my thoughts.

So, in essence, I have no real advice to give. I only offer insight into my situation. Maybe it'll help, maybe not. I do wish you the best of luck in making your decision. Revealing this side of you can be quite liberating, but remember, the grass is not always greener...

Hugs,
Kyra