Coming out

[Katy-Jane]

Hi girls,

I guess I just need to get some of this stuff out of me, so this may not be a great post to read, but I really need to talk about coming out to my SO, and writing here helps me so much.

I told my SO about my dressing (which is kind of "cycle" dressing, every 2 months or so) about 8 months ago. At first she didn't really say much, I was so tearful I was just grateful she didn't freak, and things carried on much as normal.

Then a few weeks back she kind of broke down, and told me how she'd been trying to get her head around it all summer, but couldn't. It was clear to me then how much pain I had caused her, and I felt so sorry to have transferred to her the weight of this burden I have carried for so long.

It has really driven a wedge between us, and it's begun to make me blame my femme side, for bringing this about. It's begun to make me think if only I could not be what I am (what a contradiction!) then we could have our wonderful loving relationship back.

I love this girl to the ends of the earth, but I am at such a loss to know where to go from here. We may separate. If we do, will we just drift apart, or is it just that sometimes to keep things togehter, you have to leave them alone?

The worst of it is that she is so respectful of my trust in her for telling her, that she does not feel that she can talk to anyone about it. That is wonderful of her, but I can tell that she needs to. I have told her about this site, and that I won't mind if she "outs" me to one of her friends, if she needs ot talk. I think it's just that she can't bear to say the words "my husband is a cross-dresser", and who on earth could blame her?

hugs girls,

kj

[Elizabeth]

Hi Katy-Jane,

This is a very tough place to be, and I really feel for you. I understand what it feels like to not be accepted. My former wife could not accept me and we are now divorced. While some relationships do end in divorce or split ups, others can survive when the SO is given time, space, information, and support including what CJ refers to as "gratuitous listening" on your part. Meaning you truly listen to what she has to say. Don't try to formulate a response while she is talking, don't think about what you are going to say to her next, just listen to her and try to understand her point of view, regardless of if you agree with it.

If she is not interested in support, she may just need more time. Remember, you have had your entire life to get used to the idea of your crossdressing, she has only had a few months. Many people for reasons of thier strong stereotypes of gender roles engrained in them in thier upbringing or religious training may have a difficult time trying to change a view held as either immoral, perverted, insane or any combination of those and other factors, that they have beleived most of thier lives.

I wish I had some solid advice for you, something you could hold onto and run with, but I don't. Each person is different and each circumstance is different. You are the best one to judge what your SO's needs are.

Good luck to you and we will all be here for you in anyway we can.

Love always,
Elizabeth

[Virginia]

hi KJ,
As you can imagine, a lot of your sisters here have "been there, done that." You acknowledge your anima, you probably don't completely understand it and most of us neve will, but you know you are a crossdresser and if you have studied any about what I refer to as our "GIFT" you have got to know that once a crossdresser, always a crossdresser. You have, will or can suppress it, repress it, ignore it, but it is part of you for now and forever and it ain't gonna go away - DEAL WITH IT!!! But how, especially when it seem to have such an adverse effect on those we love the most!!
There are those amoung us who may and do disagree with me in this, even some of the SO's but it is my considered opionion that there is not a GG out there that totally and completely accepts her SO and his crossdressing. They may tolerate it, try to ignore it some may even try and participate in it up to a point, but that even seems to "get old" real quick. There have been volumes written on this subject - FINALLY!
One of the tests that I tell some of our sisters to take - dress as nice as you can - look into a mirror - and not only who do you see, first, but if it is in you case, "KJ" and not just a guy in a dress. then you have to you have to ask yourself the BIG QUESTION ( your stuck with her for the rest of your life, acknowledged or not) How important is "KJ" to you???
Only you can answer that and sometimes it does not come immediately, so don't worry about it. but at some point in time you will have to face that.
We all hope you will stay around and participate and perhaps find some direction and answers that you can live with. God bless you and please try and enjoy your "Magical Mystery Tour!"
Virginia

[DonnaT]

KJ, I think asking her to join a site like this one was a good idea. My wife has read some of the forum, but has decided not to join in, and yet complains at times she has no-one to talk to about this.

The question is, does your wife want to learn more about the transgendered? If she's willing to learn more, your marriage may survive, but if she's not willing then it will be harder, not impossible. Communication is key. Sweeping it under the rug doesn't always work.

Learning more can take on various forms, such as a board like this, books such as those by Peggy Rudd and Helen Boyd, marriage counseling with someone knowledgeable in gender issues.

[Katy-Jane]

Hi girls,

thanks so much for your replies, I really appreciate it. You've raised some very good points, though in truth you have scared me rather, about the prognosis for my marriage, given who I really am.

I know that KJ is really important to me. Though I don't dress as often as many, or want to even, KJ can see things in ways my male self can't. She is always inside me somehow, and in situations where my male self is weak, she is often strong, and I can feel her influence helping me through. Also, "I" enjoy being "her". Even if could, I don't think I'd give that up, and my SO doesn't want me too. She is wonderful, and wants me to live this life as that which I truly am, even if she can not accept it.

As for me, I'm almost the other way. In spite of how much KJ means to me, I would almost rather pretend I'm not a cross-dresser, and keep my SO, such are my feelings for her. But I know that that appraoch would be doomed to failure. I need to be who I am, and live life without apologising for it, I understand that. But I don't know how I can ever face the pain of losing my SO, or even the risk of it. I guess many of the girls (and SO's) here have been through that, and got through to the other side somehow. You are an inspiration, I need to know that there is another side right now.

In my heart, I think that my SO might well never be able to accept my dressing now that she knows about it. And truly, I want her to be happy in life, and if I can no longer provide that, perhaps it is best we separate. But it seems so sad, I am a cross-dresser, but I am so much more as well, and to lose what we have for that one part of me is hard to accept.

I could ramble here for hours. The simple fact is that the road ahead looks a tough one right now. I am truly grateful for your friendship on this journey girls. Bless you,

katy-jane

[Loretta Ann]

Hi Katy-Jane,

It appears to me that advice is not what you need here. You appear to be well educated about your situation.

You appear to have a very understanding wife in that she recognizes that you need to be who you are.

If your wife can not (eventually) find a way to get her head around this, it would appear that you are in a situation that is not right for you. Part of the package of accepting who you are also needs to include such things as who if any one you will live with.

The hurt you are experiencing may be due to not wanting to loose what you have, even though it may not be the best situation for you. In short what I am trying to say is you may not be where you were meant to be. If one is where they are supposed to be in life it can be a lot smoother road. And for some of us that means being single.

We human beings can become so attached to what we are used to that some choose to stay in relationships that are not healthy. Your wife does not appear yo be one of those kind of people.

Yup it is a hard road for many of us cross dressers, but it is what we gain by going through those difficult situations that make us better people.

Wishing the best for you.

[Stephanie W]

KJ

I'm glad you posted here as just talking about it can help immensely. However, I know exactly how you feel and understand your fear of losing someone so dear to you. I went through that myself and know that fear is very real.

For what it's worth, telling a spouse or SO is probably one of the toughest things we have to do. It's because we love that person so much that it makes it so difficult to tell them. What you did was very brave, knowing the risk you (we) take when we choose to share this part of us with someone we care for. As others have said, it a part of you that will always be there so only you can choose the path that will take you to your own happiness. Hopefully that path will include your wife because I do believe she does need more time and someone else to talk to.
Perhaps the shame or embarrassment is preventing her from seeking out a friend, I don't know. The fact that she didn't pack her bags when you told her means there is something there worth saving. Believe it or not, marriages seldom break up over crossdressing issues alone. There are usually other reasons or problems in the relationship that makes this an easy or convenient way out. From the sound of your situation, you have a good marriage and I'm sure she knows it too so please don't lose hope.

If she is amenable to learning more about crossdressing and what it means to be transgendered, I'm sure her fears will be alleviated somewhat. She needs to know that you are still the same guy she married and that will never change, regardless of what you are wearing. Just be clear with your answers and know when it's time to listen. If you can get her to share her feelings, you'll know how to help her. If/whenever she is ready, perhaps showing her this thread may help. She may never be accepting but the fact that she recognizes it's something you need to do is a positive sign. Whether it's something she can ultimately live with is another matter. Whatever you do KJ, don't give up. You and you wife need to keep those lines of communication open and you be receptive to any questions she may have if/when they are forthcoming and give her as much encouragement as she needs. I'm sure that goes without saying.

Good luck and know that we're all rooting for you both.

Stephanie

[Gardenia_SO]

Hi KJ:

I realize that this forum is really for CD's, but given the subject, I thought I'd throw in my $0.02 as an SO who's gone through something similar.

My SO told me about his "gift" when we were just about to move in together. I had no idea--he had hidden it from me very well. It's been a little over a year, and a roller coaster of sorts.

We went through sort of the same thing--for me, it was cyclical. Sometimes I was ok with his dressing and sometimes it pained me, because I felt like I had been robbed of the guy that I initially fell in love with. It's still that way to an extent, but I'm having less and less trouble with it as time goes on. I realized that I had to accept this part of him if I truly loved him, and what really helped me is likening it to the "hobbies" some of my friends' husbands have. In effect, some of my friends are football widows, some have SOs who live for video games, and some have husbands who work on their cars every weekend. Do they love their husbands less because of their hobbies? No--of course not. Why should my relationship be any different?

Maybe that's a skewed view, but it helps me deal with my own issues around his CDing. I like to think that I've come a long way in a year.

You can't change. If she really wants to keep your relationship alive, she will have to gradually accept your dressing. It won't happen overnight.

Do you have any friends who are also CD's? It might help her to talk to another CD's SO about it. One thing that really hurt me is that I couldn't talk to any of my friends or family about this. This forum has really helped me exoress my feelings.

I feel for you both... I know exactly what she is going through, and I know this has to be tough for you as well. Anger, hurt, denial... they're all there. Please be sensitive to her needs right now--regardless of whether you stay together or not.

Good luck and I wish you the best.

Cheers,
Gardenia

[Georgia(SO)]

KJ,

I'm sorry I've been busy and didn't catch this post when you first put it out.

As an SO, perhaps I can put in my 2 cents also. I understand how your lady feels. "Getting her head around it" is a really good definition of the feelings. Ya know, I *know* my guy dolls up - but I still have trouble picturing it, understanding it, getting my head around it. It's not that it freaks me out, it's not that I think it's wrong. I look at this picture of him, en homme, and try to place that person dressed as a woman and it just doesn't come out right.

I hope that your SO will join a group like this one - preferably this one - and talk to the other SOs. There are issues, and screaming moments, that most of us are not willing to share with our guys because it will hurt their feelings. There are also sweet moments that we share with the other gg's... it's nice to not feel all alone. And although I respect your courage in suggesting that she talk to her friends, let me suggest to her that telling one of her friends is probably not the best way to go with this, unless her friend has been around CDs much. Regular friends just don't know what goes into living with a CD - the good and the difficult.

Let me just talk for a moment please, and see if any of this fits what you are seeing. You talk about causing her so much "pain". OK. Maybe some SOs find it painful - I don't. I find it confusing, frustrating (it takes ya'll a *long* time to get dressed!) - it makes me jealous and makes me wonder if he's more interested in his femme side than me. But not pain, because he's not doing anything wrong. I think that there is a possibility that CDers use the word pain to describe what they are feeling when their SOs are not immediately accepting, rather than to describe the SOs feelings - which is probably just this massive confusion.

Most of us SOs don't quite know how to react when our guy dresses. We have probably never seen a real live Cross Dresser - certainly not close up anyway. We have all sorts of internal conflicts with the notion that you aren't doing anything wrong, yet we have negative feelings toward the whole thing. We love you and recognize that you didn't change, but somehow it feels like you did. Many of us, including myself, get hit with this irrational jealousy that somehow you are moving into our territory - which just plays havoc with our own notions of ourselves as evolved feminists...

For me, and I speak only for myself, I would like to have watched him dress - to watch the transformation. I didn't get that, because he is not comfortable dressed in front of me. I would like to have been able to ask him "why". OK. I now know that most of ya'll don't know why, but when an SO is new to this, *why* is the first thought... followed shortly by wondering if the guy is gay because most of CDs we see on TV and in movies are gay. *You* may know how you fit into the world, but this is all new to us...

I would have liked to have been able to tell him that I need the male him sometimes without having hurt his feelings or repeated things women before me had said to him. He pointed out that this isn't the first time he's heard that, to which I could only reply that it probably was a common reaction.

I would still like to be able to talk openly with him about it. It's been 3 years since I found out, 2 years since I've been on this forum, and being able to talk openly to the ladies here has helped nearly as much as being able to talk to the gg's here.

Finally, I do want you to know that most SOs (except those that openly enjoy a CDing guy) are sometimes ok with it and sometimes not ok with it. That is a terribly common reaction. Dunno why...it just is.

Some SOs feel that it is fundamentally wrong, and if that is the case with your lady, then she is likely to never accept it. The rest of us recognize there is absolutely nothing wrong with it, but don't particularly enjoy it. For me, I had to come to the point of realizing that I would never understand it (hell, half of ya'll don't understand it yourself!), but that understanding was not a prerequisite for acceptance. Neither is enjoyment of it. Acceptance is just that - accepting that it is...

I realize that this is asking an enormous amount of you, in a situation where you sound like you are scared half to death, but you may wish to ask her what part of it she can't get her head around. I finally was able to tell my guy some of it so that at least he understands why I don't particularly enjoy it.

I wish you a lot of luck. Your lady is welcome to PM me if she wants.

hugs,
-georgia(so)

[Katy-Jane]

Hi Gardenia & Georgia,

and thank you both so much for posting, and for all of the evident thought and care you have put into what you said. I am so grateful for you taking the time to write. I can't tell you how much it helped to read about your views and feelings, and to notice so clearly how similar they are to what my SO appears to be going through.

I think that there is a possibility that CDers use the word pain to describe what they are feeling when their SOs are not immediately accepting, rather than to describe the SOs feelings - which is probably just this massive confusion.

This in my mind Georgia is a very penetrating statement, in my case at least, I think you are totally correct. I feel that I have little idea of how my SO is actually feeling, though I strain every nerve to truly hear the things she tells me. It looks like pain to me, because it involves a lot of tears. I ususally cry only when I'm in pain, but I realise (i think) now, that this may not be the case for her, and that her feelings may be much more as you describe.

We went through sort of the same thing--for me, it was cyclical. Sometimes I was ok with his dressing and sometimes it pained me, because I felt like I had been robbed of the guy that I initially fell in love with.

I could qoute almost the whole of both of your posts, they struck such a chord in me. Two things especially stood out though. Firstly the cycle of acceptance and non-acceptance, that somehow, sometimes my SO seems to be much more able to accept CDing than others. Secondly the whole notion that she can accept, on a kind of "logical" level, that it's not really doing anything wrong, but still seems to feel negatively about it, for reasons she finds hard to explain.

It's wondeful to have had both of your insights, and I really hope that she will choose to use this forum in due time. Especially since, like you Gardenia, my SO has no friends or family she could really talk to about this. I'm sure that if she chooses to use this forum, that decision alone will be hard for her though, and I don't want to push her into doing it, although I am so concious of how much it could help. I remember so clearly how it took me six months of reading, before I had the courage to register and post here. I suppose posting for the first time was a little like admitting it to myself, and the world, for th first time ever. It was tough for me to do, and I imagine it might well be for her also, so gently does it I guess.

You are right Georgia, I am scared half to death, three quaters in my less positive moments, and I know that it's so hard for my SO too. The half of me not paralysed with fear, is trying to be everything I know how to be, to be supportive my SO, to help her through. She also tries so hard to understand me, and to support me, something that I will value for the rest of my life, whether we are together or apart. I value her friendship on this journey so much, I just wish that I could smooth some of the bumps in the road for her.

Strangely, I think that this feeling of finding it quite easy to accept Cding one day, and harder on another day, might also be true to some extent for me. It's certainly true that we both seem to vary quite a bit in how we cope, some days we can really seem to drag each other down, other days we can talk quite rationally about it. I couldn't say for sure if this is due to cycles of accpeting CDing, or cycles of fear and positivity regarding the future of our relationship though.

One positive thing that the situation seems to have done, is to make us both more concious of going out and doing things together. We have both become aware that it can become a bit of an all-consuming topic, of thought, and conversation, so to combat that, we are planning some things that we will enjoy together, like we always have. Hopefully that way we can have fun as male and female, the same (well nearly) as we always have. That is certainly something I never want to lose, however accepting of my CDing my SO becomes.

Thanks so much for posting.

Katy-Jane

[Virginia]

Hi K-J,
Are these girls great !!! or what!!! I hope that you and your SO can find common ground. Just remember its "small steps, honey, just small steps." Don't ever try and force it on her and it is usually best to let her bring it up and don' go into to much detail unless she asks for it As everyone has said there are now reams of resources available, plus you have to open invitation for her to participate with us here! Her willingness to "educate" herself on your "gift" will certainly tell you a lot about what you can expect!
Best of luck and be gentle with her, you may just have a diamond in the rough!
Love,
Virginia
v

[Trisha]

Just wanted to thank you all for this thread. I found it most enlightening, helping me get my head around the "coming out" scenario.
I am on the verge of "coming out" to my wife (of 27 years) am scared silly of the possible negative consequences.

Thanks and Hugs to all of you
Trisha

[Georgia(SO)]

Trisha,

I hear what you are saying about coming out to your wife after years of her not knowing. I can't really address that issue much, since my guy told me pretty quickly after we started dating. I can suggest that you try this on in your head first - say, she came out about something that was totally different to what you thought she was. Say she suddenly announced that she's a _____ (fill in the blank with Democrat, Republican, totally apathetic about politics). Something that, in your mind, is totally out of character with who you think that she is.

If you keep that in mind - that it's not so much that you are putting on women's clothes, but that you are telling her that you are different than what she thinks you are - I think you will find a way to approach it.

K-J - I'm glad that you and your lady are going out to do regular stuff. That is something that all of us fear - that once the femme side surfaces, we will lose our guy. I realize that to most of ya'll, the femme side is always there. As Elizabeth (I think) said, "She doesn't just show up when I put on a dress." But from the outside, it *does* look like that. I constantly forget that my guy has this femme side, until she surfaces. I think that almost all of us fear losing our guy. Not that ya'll will leave us, but that somehow *she* will take *him* away. Even if we know you have no intention of transitioning. Since most of us SOs don't have a TG'd bone in our body, we don't quite understand how ya'll can be both male and female. With my guy, his male and female sides are fairly divergent...they aren't integrated a lot. So when *she* is up, *he* isn't there. And frankly, if I wanted a relationship with a woman, I'd be having a relationship with a woman. So, yes, I'm glad ya'll are still having guy/girl times.

Eventually, those of us who do not have fundamental right/wrong issues with the whole notion of TG'd get accustomed to these two people that live in one body. (Yes, I know that many of you do not feel like it's two individuals in one body, but I'm talking about how it looks and feels to me and to many other SOs).

At any rate, I guess i'm trying to tell you that there's a really good chance that all will work out ok. It just takes a long while to get used to the idea. I went through a whole bunch of ways of looking at this trying to find a way to enjoy it. I tried looking at it, like Gardenia did, as something akin to football widows, or car mechanic widows, or fishing widows. It didn't work, because this is fundamentally different to having a hobby. I tried to look at it like some sexual kink that I didn't particularly enjoy, but that didn't work either because it isn't the same things as whips and chains. Finally, I got to the point of just accepting that I would probably never be able to understand it - I would just accept it.

BTW, some bright soul is going to notice that the common denominator in the above paragraph is ____ widow. I suppose that's because unless we are into it, it becomes a solo activity for ya'll and we are left out. Of course, many of you would love to have your SO participate. My guy wants it to remain a solo activity for him, so yes, I fee left out. But...and I quote loosely from MHB, because being dressed is an "event", and because we don't want to step on your toes, we tend to fade into the sidelines. (After all, it would be really rude to outdress you...) Somebody even mentioned that at CD/SO gatherings, the CDs sit around talking and showing off their new clothes while the gg's go do the dishes. I don't have the answer, of course. Just pointing out how it feels sometimes...

Hope this helps...
-georgia(so)

[Beauty]

Hi KJ,

Good for you for coming clean with your wife. Now patience and time will be critical. There are those who go from one extreme of insisting their SOs accept them or they can hit the highway and there are those who never tell. Both are equally as paralyzing mentally.

You've ventured into the great unknown and I think it's beautiful that you did. It is very scary for you and your wife. She loves you though and if you're not considering changing your sex then you should feel comfy that you're just letting her know something you've been afraid to share with almost no one (if anyone at all).

She's so gotta be scared right now. Friends, family, associates, and the works. Who did she marry, are you gay, do you want to be come a woman and the works. You've taken a really huge step, but it's a huge step that you took because you couldn't live in dishonesty land anymore. That's a really good thing and though it's hard for you to feel right now because like the loving spouse you are, you care about what she's going through.

My wife too wouldn't tell anyone. When I'd plead for her to talk to someone she'd start crying, so I had to stop. I just wanted her to not keep it inside. I knew it would kill her and our relationship unless she had some way to talk about it. After 5 years the fever broke and now her family and her best friend know about me (though my situation is a bit different, that's another story). I can tell though that she feels better. When she told her sister she said she even laughed about it. I didn't know how to take that, but she said it was good because it's the first time she's talked about it and no tears came out. So I'll take a laughing wife over a crying one any day.

I came out to her very early in our relationship, but she says she doesn't remember. I came out again to her early in our marriage (less than a year) when I didn't think she'd heard what I'd said before I got married to her. My point is I was only in control of when I told her and not her acceptance of it or me or when she would feel comfy telling someone else. Be patient and things will work out.

Thank you so much for opening up and sharing this part of your life with us. You are a beautiful person.

[Gardenia_SO]

Hello all:

Georgia, Beauty and Virginia have hit on some excellent points. That again is what I love about this forum--you can see both sides' viewpoints.

To both K-J and Tricia: yes, it's very tough "coming out" to your wife--I can't imagine the anguish you're both feeling right now. There's no guarantee that they'll ever be truly comfortable with CDing. Still, if you don't tell your wife, you're actually trying to front yourself as someone you're not, which would ultimately hurt both of you.

Georgia is a little further along in the acceptance process than I am, which I find encouraging. I wish that one morning that I'd wake up and be completely ok with his dressing--but realistically, I know that probably won't happen.

My advice to both of you, as was already mentioned, is that you should take it slow. DO NOT, after telling your wife, show up the next afternoon in full getup, heels, skirt, wig and makeup. Some women are curious about hearing CDing and might insist on seeing you gussied up, but it's probably easier for your wives (especially if this is a true surprise for them) is for you to start small... like wearing heels or a skirt while you're at home.

Your wives are welcome to PM me as well. Although they may not show any interest in this board initially, it really does help to know it's available.

Hugs to you both. Hang in there.

-Gardenia