Embarking on a "mini" RLE...

[Jan W]

Can't add much other than my best wishes too.

Hope you find a few answers that make life a little more comfy for you.

Good luck CJ

Love,

Jan

[CJ]

Hi all,

Well, Day Two is drawing to a close (and I'm trying really hard to learn how to type with these long nails ).

One thing I learned today is that I'll need to shave my body every day; the damned hair just grows so fast. I was surprised to see that my silk robe was catching on my legs and thighs this morning when I put it on. I mean, I shaved yesterday afternoon and already stubble had appeared, not twelve hours later. So, earlier this afternoon, I went back to the bathtub for another laborious session with Venus. I'm assuming it'll get easier (or, at least, get done more quickly) as time goes by. I have not a hair on my body south of my eyebrows and the back of my neck. It feels awesome. It always feels awesome but I tend to forget after a while (between shaves, I just trim my body hair close to the skin).

Another thing I discovered (with great pleasure): my own hair is now long enough that I no longer need a wig. I mean, I already knew that but today was the first time ever that I'd spent an entire day en femme without a wig and it felt totally right, totally natural (and super comfortable, too!). Right on the heels of that thought was this one: "Aaargh! I'm going to have to learn how to manage and style my hair now! Egad!" This is something I've never paid much attention to. I guess that's about to change.

So, today was sort of uneventful. I spent a good part of the morning lazing around in my panties and robe. Around noon, I figured I might as well get cracking on my nails. I love having longer nails but I've always considered it a bit of a chore to apply them (insert picture here of Christina, her tongue sticking out to the side of her mouth, her brow furrowed in deep concentration, as she makes sure the little piece of plastic is glued on straight relative to the tip of her finger--with cyanoacrylate, a.k.a. "Super Glue," there aren't that many second chances). I then polished them the same deep shade of red I'd done my toes in a couple of days ago. A cute little vinyl decal of a daisy on each thumb, followed by a clear coat on all nails and I was done. By the time everything was dry (including between coats), it was already almost 2:00 pm. Time for household chores.

I wish I could say, like Donna, that I slipped into my maid's uniform but, alas! I no longer have one. So I stayed dressed in mere robe and panties (and Playtex rubber gloves, once I was sure my nails were dry) and set to work. In this "household," every Sunday is housework day. We usually split the duties (although I've often told Marie that if she buys me a maid's uniform, I'll happily releave her of what she considers the "drudgery" of household cleaning... hand-washed laundry included!); today, she took the living-room and study while I did the kitchen and bathroom. Once done, I went to shave (easily another hour there) and then got dressed. Finally.

I opted for "functional yet classy." Support pantyhose, with just the right amount of "hug and tug," all-in-one body briefer (the cups of which mold my own somewhat fleshy breast tissue to perfection), a black nylon full slip, and, after much hesitation (and quite a bit of "trying on stuff"), a simple, long-sleeved, black polyester knee-length dress with a zippered back. A bit of jewelry (including a beautiful gold bracelet my friend Carole gave me and those cute hoop earrings Lorna so much loves), and I was done. By now, it was almost 6:30. Dinner time. Marie and I decided to order a pizza at our regular deli. They don't deliver so I steeled myself for my first "test" of this experience by agreeing to go pick it up. There was just no way Marie was going to leave the couch (she was watching television). I ordered and then went to apply a touch of makeup (a little too much eyeshadow, according to Marie, just to go pick up a pizza... oh well!). I slipped my boots on (black, fur-lined, calf length, side zippers, low heels), put on a burgundy front-zippered cotton sweater and walked out the door.

Now, to those of you who've never done this, this being out and about en femme, it's incredibly difficult to describe the feeling of cold air whispering across your legs and up your dress, of the sound of your own swishing garments mingling with the mundane cacophony of traffic and conversation snatches and bare branches rustling in the breeze and your own footsteps crunching in the snow. It just feels right. It feels, well, normal. I could've walked for miles. I could've stayed out for hours. The world seemed fresh.

I got to the deli (on the neighbourhood's main commercial drag, about a block and half from where we live) and walked in to get the pizza. When I'd ordered it, about twenty minutes before, I'd told the woman, "don't forget the onions and the crispy bacon on top." "Yeah. I know. Your 'usual' treat," she'd replied before hanging up. I'm thinking: "Sorry, but, no, this certainly won't be your usual treat!" And I was right. She was quite surprised (if the triple take is any indication, that is) but she was nothing less than her usual friendly self. Pizza in hand, I headed to the convenience store a block away to grab a couple of Cokes (they're cheaper there than at the deli). The Chinese woman who runs it wasn't there, unfortunately. I like her and I know she likes me, too (even after I'd walked into her store in blouse, feminine slacks, high-heeled sandals, hose, and polished toenails a couple of months ago). I wanted very much for her to see me "in all my glory." She would've found it hilarious... and I would've laughed right along with her. Maybe tomorrow I'll need something, who knows? Anyway, I walked out and headed back with the two pops and the pizza.

When I got home, around 7:00, I took off my boots and went to the kitchen where I set my share of the pizza on the table while Marie took hers back to the living-room, asking me as she disappeared down the hallway how it went at the deli. "It went fine," I said. "Of course, she knew who I was, so it doesn't count. And if she's laughing, she's not laughing in my face." I then went to my room to slip into a comfy pair of heels, came back, and sat down to phone an American friend, intending to eat as I talked (no such luck--I'm just not a multi-tasker). We chatted for over two hours, said our goodbyes, then hung up. I zapped the pizza slices in the microwave and then joined Marie for some low-quality boob tube time for about an hour. Now, I'm here, writing this. As I said, a fairly uneventful day. But all of it en femme.

Tomorrow ought to be interesting. I'm supposed to go open a new bank account at the bank around the block from where I live. I really don't know if this is something I'll be able to do en femme. What do you all think? If not, I might just wait until next week. Also, there's a couple coming to visit the place tomorrow night around 7:00 (the house in which we live is up for sale). That I know I'll stay en femme for (if the fact that some "weird man" lives there nixes the sale, so much the better; we don't want to have to move again, come July). What remains to be done now is for me to work up the courage to phone Rita, the hairdresser, and see if she's willing (and able) to do anything with my hair (it's starting to thin a little on top so I don't know how feminine a cut she can give me, but it might be worth a try).

Okay, I'm getting the hang of "nailing" this keyboard! That was the kind of day it's been for me. Thanks for reading. I hope I didn't bore you. And I hope you all had a good day, too!

Love,
CJ

[Anita]

Okay, I'm getting the hang of "nailing" this keyboard! That was the kind of day it's been for me. Thanks for reading. I hope I didn't bore you. And I hope you all had a good day, too!

Love,
CJ

Oh, I did have a good day, CJ. Thank you for asking! Got lots of things done around the house, and it was a beautful day outside, too--the winds cleared everything out, and it's a great view up here on the hill. The bay was a deep red in the sunset, with some purple clouds over the mountains over yonder.

And you? Well, you've been busy, I see. Loved that description of being out there in the wind and the snow--whew, it's something, isn't it? The first time I felt nighttime cold going up under my skirt was a strange but delightful sensation. There was nothing even remotely like that in the 50-some years before it.

If you can put off the bank account until next week, then I'd probably do it then. That's just my intuitive call on it. It's not like there's going to be big problems if you do it this week, but let yourself be unpressured.

Listening to "My Kind of Woman" by Mr. Big, just now. Very appropriate hard rock song for this discussion, somehow. He's talking about Rita Hayworth, maybe? 1946, says the song lyrics. A "silver screen goddess." But a gal who goes out every day enfemme to find out what's out there (and inside of her) is definitely my kind of woman! Keep postin', Christina!
best,
Anita

[Marda]

Hi CJ,
~
Way2Go on your RLE!

I've been "Mr.Spaceman" for the last 11 months
= Marda was forced into 'hibernation'...

Reading about your RLE and your enthusiasm for it causes me to reflect on something I seem to have noticed where I've had to be for the last several months - that being, so many people seem to be trying to *avoid* any form of RLE - *real life* seems to be *really bad* for so many "normal" people ...

It's been especially puzzling and unsettling (disappointing?) to see and be near so many women who seem to try so hard to be 'like men', ('like they think [feel?] men are'?) and who seem to regard their 'womanness' as a curse, and/or a special purpose tool/weapon to be selectively concealed and then revealed/applied whenever particular objectives/circumstanceas are identified and deemed necessary/desireable in the course of their 'crusade du jour'...

Of course I also see men behaving in RLE-avoidance ways, but more as means of distraction or entertainment than achievement or recognition ...

Needless to say, these are by no means 'absolutes', but certainly among my (Marda in hibernation but seeing/hearing) observations over the last several months ...
~

While I still look like "Mr.Spaceman" and likely will for some time to come, I'm OK about that - the big deal for me that I'm rediscovering right now is this new opportunity to 'wake up and be the real me' within myself - at least until I engage the pressures of my next "Mr.Spaceman Mission" and have to playact a 'visibly male' role.

Of course I'll be watching with great interest while you "be you" and transform to "look yourself" on your "CJShow (right here) On TVTV" !!!

[... and, I'll want to know if/when you start to 'feel' more like a 'bitch' than normal ??? ]

h's / Marda

[CJ]

Hi all,

Well, it's just past noon. I'm already all dressed up and (Yay!) I do, indeed, have places to go.

I talked it over with Marie this morning and she echoes Anita's intuitive call on the matter of going to the bank. Banks usually shy away from "funny business"; I'm not sure it would be kosher for me to sit before a clerk as Christina and sign official bank documents as Daniel. I'm still going to go "relatively" femme, though--dressed in slacks, blouse, and boots, with maybe just a hint of makeup.

Also this morning, I went ahead and did it... I made an appointment with the hairdresser for Wednesday morning. She remembered me from last time (when I had my eyebrows waxed) and she said she liked the look on the photo I'd left with her a couple of days afterwards. She says she doesn't really remember what my hair looked like but, if I just came in, she'd see if she's able to work up a femininine hairstyle for me.

Now, I'm heading out to the bank and to do some grocery shopping. See you all later!

Love,
CJ

P.S.
Glad to see you back and doing well, Marda.

[Anita]

Hi again, CJ--
Today I'm doing a little echo of what you're about--I'm going enfemme to meet my therapist for the first time, and it will be early enough that it's still daylight. At this time of year, most of my gal activities have me going out as it gets dark. I can't remember the last time I was out in the daytime.

The therapy program is great, and I've been doing it for a couple of months. I work with a supervised graduate student at a local university, at very reasonable rates. It's not about transgender, specifically, and these days those concerns are very low priority for me. But today we'll end up talking about it, I'm sure.

It's rare that I have a Monday off--we try to start all our jobs on those days, so we'll be done before the weekend. It looks like this week is going to be time-off, which is fine by me.

After therapy, I'll hang out in that part of Oakland for a while, and then go to an all-woman spiritual group in San Jose, about 40 miles away. I only get there once in six weeks, but I really enjoy that group. It was started by a transwoman who I met on the Internet, but the rest of the women are not TG.

[KathyB]

CJ:

Congratulations! on your RLE this week.

I wish you nothing but success and happiness during this time. It's certain to be eye-opening (for you as well as anyone else) and something you'll never soon forget. I'm sure there are things GG's take for granted (and many they don't) that we never consider. But there may be just as many things WE need to do daily to live in a feminine role. Shaving everywhere is one great example.

Enjoy yourself and learn as much as you can.
Sharing it here with us is a wonderful gift.
Thank you!

[CJ]

Hi all,

Thanks, Zippy, for your encouragement. About "being a woman" every day, you're right; there's stuff I wouldn't have expected. For one thing, the clothes can be a damn pain sometimes when it comes to, say, going to the washroom (uh, s'cuse me; I mean, to the powder room ). All these layers of snaps, zippers, eyehooks, and buttons sort of makes you pray that a pressing nature call won't be too pressing, ya know? Heh, I thought I was removed from all that; my body briefer has a hook-and-eye crotch but, with these fingernails, forget it! I'm thinking I ought to start carrying scissors with me and just get it over with. Another thing: when you wear makeup for most of the day, you sort of forget it's there. So far, over the past couple days, I've mistakenly streaked, smeared, smudged, and wiped my makeup more times than I care to count (and me with only this tiny mirror in my purse). And that's yet another thing: Why aren't there, like, customizable compartments in purses and handbags? Sheesh, I spent more time searching for stuff in there than I did just walking around! (Yes, I'd filled it with what I imagine a GG would have in there; a brush, a small cosmetics bag, my wallet, my keys, a pack of gum, a pocket pack of Kleenex, a small change purse, my agenda, my phone book, my cell phone, and a copy of Rosamunde Pilcher's The Shell Seekers... okay, so the paperback novel was unnecessary, I know.) Anyway, I'm learning, I'm learning.

So, Day Three is over. Phew! (And I,m sitting here, writing this, wearing only panties and a baby doll nightie--I don't want to deal with anything more complicated than that just right now). It was a good day today.

Early this afternoon, I went to the bank. Like a good friend of mine told me a couple of days ago, I have a tendency to listen to other people's advice (nodding in all the right places) and then go and do whatever I want to anyway. Well, I did just that today. I went to open an account en femme.! Like I said I was going to do in my previous post, I sort of toned it down bit. Daytime makeup, hoop earrings and assorted jewelry, styled hair, a red silk blouse, black polyester slacks over charcoal pantyhose, ankle-high boots with a 1½" heel, purse, and a long coat. Well, the staff at the bank was super friendly and the woman who served me (and in whose office I spent more than half an hour) was something else again! She was, at first, slightly flustered by my appearance (she couldn't help but stare at my long polished fingernails) but, as the minutes passed and she saw that I was an okay sort (I guess I'm good at making people feel at ease, no matter what I look like), she thawed. By the time I left, we were chatting away as though we'd known each other for years. She even joked about the dreaded "Gender Box" (Mr._ Mrs._ Miss_); when she saw me hovering the pen over it, she said, "Not obvious, is it?" I laughed along right with her. I told her that, for now, "Mr." will do. At some point we even compared flowers (we both have a tiny floral decal on each of our thumbnails--I found out she had applied hers to conceal a split nail whereas I applied mine because it came with the package ). I now know I shouldn't worry about anyone at that bank; they're open and cool about "sexual minorities" (as she referred to folks that look like me). Next time, you can bet your portfolio that I'm going in there wearing a skirt and heels.

I came back home to change, this time slipping into a leather skirt and a white lacy blouse with sheer, puffy sleeves (pic on the gallery). The day was getting dark by now so I redid my makeup (a little more dramatic this time around), put on my flat-heeled winter boots and my coat, grabbed my purse and headed out the door to go buy a few grocery items. I never made it to the grocery store. Passing by the drug store (a huge place, part of a large chain of such stores). I decided to pop in and get myself some shampoo and conditioner (I've been using Marie's lately because it's way better than mine--time to fix that) and maybe some mascara. There was a long lineup at the beauty counter. People looked at me but did nothing but smile. I even got into a brief conversation with a friendly older gent who was there with his wife. He seemed to be shy because he had trouble looking me in the eye; he kept looking at my chest instead. I'd hate to be that shy. Anyway, I finally had my turn with the "beauty consultant" behind the counter and told her what I was looking for. All the mascaras she showed me were a bit pricy I thought. So I let it go. Before I left, though, she insisted I take a couple of perfume and eau de toilette samples. Women's, natch! I bought my shampoo and left.

It was 5:30 by now so I nixed the idea of going for groceries. A couple was coming to visit our apartment around 7:00. Marie had asked me this morning to please not dress as a woman for this visit. Although it irked me a little bit to not be able to do what I want to in my own home for the sake of two strangers who might or might not become our new landlords, I complied with her wishes for her sake. I removed the makeup, cleaned the place a little, and then changed. I did stay fairly androgynously dressed, though. Out came the black slacks and red blouse again (and a comfy pair of women's loafers). As it turns out, the couple never came. No phone call, nothing. Around 8:30, I changed my shoes, slipping into a pair of dressy velvet heels and went to join Marie in the living-room for an even lower quality boob tube time than that of the evening before. "You look 'Christmas-y," Marie said. Yeah, great, all I needed now was a green belt and a white purse. I vegged out for an hour or two, then worked on a couple of pix I took today. Then came here to write this. Now my eyes are closing; I'm dead tired. I'll be sleeping in tomorrow.

Before I go, though, I should take a moment and reflect on whether or not this experience is teaching me anything about my own desires. Umm... er... ah... no. Well, not yet, anyway. Doesn't matter, though; I'm having a ball when the days drag on like this.

Tomorrow: no plans. Sleep. Who knows? perchance I'll dream. Wednesday ought to be fun; the day starts with my appointment at the hairdresser's. Of course, I'll be going en femme. As usual, I'll keep you posted.

Take care, the lot of you. I'll talk to you soon.

Love,
CJ

Again, thanks for your interest and your patience.

[Virginia]

CJ, honey, I for one am thoroughly enjoying reading about your foray into this new world for you!! It is interesting in that as long as we have been girlfriends on this forum we are not completely aware of the capabilities of our sisters. You seem to be enjoying yourself, however. Remember my post that I got taken to the wood shed for about GG's and there reluctance (in my humble opinion) to - shall I say, "dress the part!?"
Guess you are saying you can partly side with them now - huh? Putting on full "battle dress" is not only time consuming but has its drawbacks like you referenced, hooks and buttons and other things that nails just seem not to be able to adapt too. OH, I surely hope you did not put "super glue" on your nails . I did once and that is all it took - it took me months to get my nails back to some symbolance of normalisy! They are just now starting to look "right!" I am struggleing to get them to grow so I can use polish only - the fake, glue on or stick ons look great but seems a slight breeze will cause them to come off. Doing all that I do for the lady I am taking care of, I guess I am going to have to start wearing gloves to protect them from breaking. I have enough nail hardner on them now that they look "over done!", but it seems to be working!
I look forward to your next adventures, as I sit here comtemplating the lipstick on my coffee cup - for me that little glory is sooooo sexy and seems to make the whole thing that much more beautiful.
Keep the faith, sister!!!!!
Love you,
Virginia

[Anita]

Hi CJ--
What fun to read about! Keep the dispatches coming; we'll be tuning in.

When I started playing guitar dressed I had to jettison the glue-ons I used, and I'm happier for it. The powder room trips were a chore, and I'm just fine with chrome-pink polish on my regular nails. Makes life a lot simpler.

As for Marie's request--I don't say it's not reasonable, but I found for myself that that is one thing that I don't want to do. If I'm dressed for the day, I'm dressed, and I don't want to "change back." Your current situation is different, of course, and it requires some compromise.

[CJ]

Hi all,

Virginia,

Yes, I am using Super Glue to apply my nails with. I've done this many times before in the past so I'm familiar with the awful impact it can have on my own nails. Usually, the acetone found in nail polish remover can also remove any glue residue (although it'll dull real fingernails quicker than you can say, "Pass the polish, please!"). Not only did I use Super Glue but I used lots of it--I don't want these nails to come off anytime soon (I'm due to go back to work only in early January). I have absolutely no problem whatsoever in having long red fingernails even when I'm in boy mode (I've done that, too, in the past and the proportion of people who thought it was funky far outweighed the proportion of people who thought it was creepy).

My colleague and friend, Carole, is always trying to get me to implement small changes in my appearance on a more or less permanent basis rather than a temporary one. For example, once I shave my body, I should always keep it shaved. Once I get a more feminine hairstyle, I should always keep it that way. Once I decide to wear nothing but women's clothing (however androgynous it appears to the untrained eye), I should always wear such clothing. The nails fit in with this, too. She's puzzled over why I don't just let my own nails grow. Well, I will be. I'm just so nervous about what my clients will be thinking; they're usually very perceptive and will pick up on subtle changes quicker than you can say, "Pass the nail polish remover, please!" I wouldn't normally worry so much about what others think but I intend to respect the limits my (otherwise super sympathetic) boss imposed on me in regards to these types of changes to my appearance. Anyway, I'll be making some of these changes. But gradually. And then stick by them.

Today, I'm taking a little break. I'm still dressed and all (black lace garter belt, stockings, black lace bra and panty set, coffee-coloured paisley nylon-lined "slip dress," black bolero jacket, and strappy sandals with 3" spiked heels (murder to walk in, I'll admit). I don't plan on going anywhere, especially not dressed like this. But the day is still young. Who knows?

I got some constructive criticism from a forum member last night concerning my appearance. She says that my own hair makes me look like a man in a dress and that I need to find a way to make my hair frame my face in the same way that my wig does (thanks for the advice, S! ). I so totally know this. And it was a determining factor in my plucking up enough courage to phone Rita for a hairdressing appointment (that's tomorrow morning--I'm so excited!--and I'll bring my camera in case she's open to the idea of one of her assistants taking a photo of me going "under the scissors").

About GG's (or even MtF CD's) "dressing the part," Virginia, I think that my own concern (and, yes, it's a concern born of my friendships and relationships with feminist women) is that we must always keep in mind that "one size definitely does not fit all." In a way, it's as insulting to GG's to be told that they're not dressing the part as it is for a CD to be told that he's not dressing the part (having to look like a man, that is); it erases the possibility of being comfortable in our own individuality. A further question is this: what "part" are we talking about, here? The part of being a woman? Or the part of being what a man thinks a woman should look like? Don't worry, sis, I'm not taking you to the woodshed yet again. Far from it. It's just that these are questions I've asked myself over and over again in my own struggle to come to grips with my gender identity.

I'd be tempted to say, for example, that only women need to wear bras (or any other garment with cups for the breasts). That would certainly be something that would make a woman "dress the part." But you know what? Although it may be true that only women need to wear bras, it's not the case that all women must wear bras in order to still be thought of as women (think, here, of small-breasted women or of women who've undergone radical mastectomies--all of them still women, and appealingly so, regardless of their not "fitting" the image of a woman who may dress the part by wearing a bra). We CD's are men who do wear bras (well, many of us, anyway) because, for us, being women is a part we play--and we dress the part. Our "costume" matters very much to us when we're trying to project a "not-a-man" image. In a sense, we "play" at being women and we go for all the trappings of feminine clothing (including snaps, eyehooks, zippers, buttons, silky textures and fabrics, revealing sheerness, riotous colours, and sex appeal) but we take the costume off when the play's over. Women, on the other hand, are not playing a role. This is who they are, in themselves, clothing (and makeup) optional. And to be told that they must dress the part is like their being told that they're not "real" persons aside from their looks. It diminishes and devalues them.

Anyway, Virginia, having said all this, I totally know what you mean. It ain't easy dressing the part. I'm discovering this, lately. But the richness of that particular experience (which, again, no doubt differs from being a GG) is not lost on me. I'm thoroughly enjoying this, despite my whining about crotch snaps and long nails. It does, indeed, make me feel sexy. Very much so. But it certainly doesn't make me a woman (that'll come at a later date ).

So why am I doing this RLE again? Well, I wanted to see if being related to as a woman could clarify, in my own mind, what my deepest longings really looked like. But, of course, in my case, it won't work like that. As Beauty told me a couple of days ago, what it will tell me is only how it feels to be related to as a man who dresses like a woman--a far different thing. Because, let's face it, I look nothing like a woman; I'm being read right, left, and center. And, taking a page from Elizabeth, I absolutely don't care if this is the case or not.

What's important to me is that I find a way of enjoying who I am. And I do.

The quest continues (and, for now, so does the RLE).

Anita,

You're right, compromise is always required. However, there's always a bottom line somewhere below which I'm no longer willing to compromise. Although the expression of my gender identity is one such line, the senseless jeopardizing of my friendship with Marie is, fortunately, another one. Ah, we live in such a gray-scale world, don't we? And thank heavens for that!

Love,
CJ

[Carolynn]

Hi CJ !
I just checked in on this thread and caught up. You seem to be having a real life experience OK. Keep on enjoying it. Has anyone commented on your kinesthetics yet? That's one of my problems, though if I can really relax, it seems to go better, and so do I. I was amused by your comments about the clothing/bathroom thing. Last night we had a formal dinner with everyone in their best at our support group meeting, and I squeezed into pantyhose for the first time since HRT began some 7 months ago (I tend to be a jeans and sweater or T kinda gal most of the time, and don't worry about leg wear other than trouser socks. The difference in hip measure is only two inches, but it does make quite a difference in what I used to wear comfortably. I will be purchasing some new pantyhose in the next couple of days, that fit better. I kinda needed a shoehorn last night, but it did keep my appetite regulated!! ). But I also ran into the bathroom thing. I think the gyrations of getting redressed in the small room would have made quite an amusing routine for some entertainer to work into a strip skit. I had to stop once to get over the giggles as I imagined it!! I hadn't worn a skirt or dress in so long I had nearly forgotten how to get in or out of the car, too!! Need to do it a little more.

I can sympathize with your uncertainty about going into a place such as a bank, and I am really pleased your experience was positive. Mine is so open that I will be on full display to anyone walking in even when I am in a loan officers cubicle. Oh well, electro and FFS takes money, so we will see what happens next. I am planning a second mortgage to do it, or maybe a creative loan based on a life insurance policy for collateral. I tend to be over insured anyway.

Well, keep at it CJ. I am really enjoying your experience, and I hope you find out what you need to know. Actually, I think you will, and maybe already have. Oh, re- the body hair thing, just go on HRT. Mine has virtually disappeared in 7 months, except in the pubic area. It is so very nice not to have much stubble, other than on the legs approaching the crotch, and that is sparse and comes off with a handy little device that yanks them out, mostly painlessly now. It appears the hairs are skinnier, and the roots come out easier; Pores are smaller too. To bad it just won't work on the face!!!

Love always,
Carolynn

[Marda]

Hi CJ,

Something I noticed today caused me to reflect back on the closing of my previous post about your RLE
- I suddenly realized that *you*, even though, from the past, are familiar with *me*, and my 'smartypants' wisecracks, may have felt an unhappy 'tingle' because of the way I worded (and illustrated) a "joke"
- and then all sorts of 'anxieties' started filling me to the point that here I am, asking, "did you feel any unintended hurt because of my humor/crack' ??

These days, I'm personally feeling especially sensitive to the relative 'dryness' of cyberspace
- further, since my return, I'm feeling a quickly increasing sense of responsibility to exercise caution about what I "say" and "how" I say it
- particularly because so many newer members don't 'know' me as you and many others of the 'family' do

If you wish that I "withdraw" the 'crack', "apologise", or otherwise say anything to retract or qualify my post, please clobber me or something ?

And of course, you know I love reading your more personal and extended "expressions"
- often, if not always as entertaining as they are enlightening !!!

[- even sometimes "encouraging" ??? ]

~
h's / Marda

[CJ]

Hi all,

Marda,

Although I may not be able to help you with your anxiety, I can tell you this much: your weird and wacky way of expressing yourself (and I mean this in a totally good way) is a welcome counterpoint to my usually dry and pedantic verbiage. Absolutely no harm, no foul. I do have a sense of humour, you know! Here's proof: Q: How many Canadians does it take to change a light bulb? A: None. Canadians don't change light bulbs, we accept them as they are.

Good to have you back, my Vancouver friend.

Carolynn,

I'm seeing a gender therapist for the very first time on Friday morning. I'll certainly be discussing with him my experience this week. If my RLE does, indeed, help me figure things out in my own mind, it's not yet clear to me which way the ball will eventually roll. Maybe he'll be able to tease this out of me. Like you, Carolynn, my gender identity tends to swing this way and that, depending on my moods and circumstances. Sometimes I wish I really were a woman, sometimes I know (and full well appreciate) that I'm "just" a crossdresser. But, I've been seriously exploring this part of me over the past couple of years (and I think it has little to do with the "2 year" joke). For the first time in my life, I feel that some sense of clarity is on the horizon.

I'll be honest, here, Carolynn; hormones scare me. I know that many Tg'ed folks (including, but not limited to, transsexuals) feel a great relief once on HRT. But I've always been against introducing drugs and other substances into my body as a matter of principle. I'll admit, though, that I'm starting to look into the possibility of widening my range of options when it comes to finding relief from the pressures my own gender variance generates. I know I wouldn't take hormones or T-blockers merely to slow down hair growth; these are potentially harmful substances and the risks far outweigh the benefits if all I'm looking for is to be spared the trouble of shaving. I guess HRT will be another topic of discussion with the therapist. Thanks for your input.

Love,
CJ

[Elizabeth]

Hi CJ,

The RLE as you call it, will not tell you anything you do not already know. At least I don't think it will. I am a year and five months into my RLE and it feels just as good getting up everyday and dressing as it did the very first day.

I guess the idea of the RLE is to weed out those who just dress for sexual thrill, not that there is anything wrong with that. I guess it is to see what a hassle it is to present as a woman all the time.

I don't beleive it is so we/us crossdressers can get a taste of the harsh reality of living as a man in a dress, because the reality is not nearly so harsh as we imagine it in our minds before we actually encounter it. I have yet to hear from a crossdresser who has been out while dressed and said "gee, I really hated it, I am never doing that again".

Instead, there is always an exhuberance, even when some negative things happen. There is almost always talk of what they will do on thier next outting.

Remember when Dorthy was asked by the Good Witch of the North what she had learned, she replied. "The next time I go looking for myself, I don't need to look any further than my own back yard, because if it's not there, I probably never lost it to begin with".

Sounds very sage to me.

Love always,
Elizabeth