The ex-girlfriend finally meets me

[Anita]

Thanks so much for all the responses. I've seen Lynda twice since the concert. We went to see a friend perform with her choir two nights later, and then last night I took her along with me on some errands I had to run. I was going to be looking at used CDs in Berkeley, so I knew she'd like that. We haven't talked at all about the concert evening, which doesn't surprise me at all.

I don't want to force L to spend time with a person she has little connection with--meaning Anita. We can say, "But Anita is me!" and that's true to some extent. But she's also a different person, or there would not be as much need to make the switch of clothing, voice, and so on. I'm not feeling any pressure on myself one way or the other. Yes, I want to spend "woman-only" time with Lynda again, and it probably won't be until after the holidays.

[Virginia]

Keep the faith, Anita! Glad your attitude is such. You rock, lady!
Virginia

[Beauty]

Of course I now have that Billy Joel song "Keepin' The Faith" in my head now.

[Marda]

Hi Anita,
~
Tnx for the welcome back - and it's interesting to hear about meeting up with a former galpal

Reading your story here has given me a thought about what's *really* goin' on when GGs are 'confronted' with a 'case of mistaken identity'
- when the 'cat' realizes that *her* 'dog' is really another 'cat'
- it seems to really 'upset' poor kitty's perception of 'her' position in the kingdom
- for the most part, no matter how big, mean, and nasty a 'dog' is generally thought to be compared to a 'cat', because they're naturally understood to be in a 'world of their own', any 'cat' can pretty much 'dominate' (or at least seriously 'torment') any 'dog'

For whatever reasons, I've seen cats develop 'peaceful relationships' and get along better with dogs than with other cats
- and I've seen some cats absolutely torture other cats in the same house

I'm figuring that if you just be *yourself*, your galpal will make up her own mind if and when she wants to nibble out of your bowl

Sooner or later, if we're *lucky* and a bit smart too, we all get older, and a pal is a pal and can be a gal or a T-gal

The problems seem to be with all this *human* stuff that gets in the way
~
h's / Marda

[Anita]

Reading your story here has given me a thought about what's *really* goin' on when GGs are 'confronted' with a 'case of mistaken identity'
- when the 'cat' realizes that *her* 'dog' is really another 'cat'
- it seems to really 'upset' poor kitty's perception of 'her' position in the kingdom...
I'm figuring that if you just be *yourself*, your galpal will make up her own mind if and when she wants to nibble out of your bowl

Well, that was a lot of fun to read, Marda! Thank you, dear.

You know, it comes down to "consistency." It's a concept I treasure. Having not had it as a child, I try to be as consistent as I can for others. But...this going back and forth between genders is really about as inconsistent as one can be, short of abusing alcohol, or having an active multiple personality.

I can't get around the fact that Anita/me is "replacing" a person that other people know and love. Girl me might be the most fascinating person in this city, but she's not the man they know. Not if she's really being "herself," she isn't.
Or if she IS being him, it's such a different version that there's little consistency to hang onto.

So I'm asking a lot of Lynda, to spend time with a woman who she doesn't really know. I'm also taking away time for her with a person she DOES know. And I would have a hard time with the reverse. If Lynda bound up her breasts in an ace bandage, cut off her hair, and talked in a low, gravelly voice, I'd feel like I was experiencing her through a filter. And if her clothes and mannerisms seemed contrived, I'd feel bad for her. If they seemed real, then I probably would be faced with a stranger, a "man" that I might not have much in common with. Lynda couldn't win, in either situation.

I'm a pretty tolerant person, so if I'd have trouble with this, I expect that others do, too. It's not going to make me stop doing it, but it's one of those hard areas of life where my needs seem to bang into other's needs.
As my therapist said to female me, "You can't be consistent for others at your own expense." She also invited me to be whoever I wanted to be in that room with her. When she said this, I felt a lot of relief. I know that I was trying to be two people for her, the one she knows, and the one she's meeting.

[Anita]

Hi All--
I took Lynda out for breakfast today, something we haven't done for a long time. I became increasingly distracted as the morning went on, and by the time we were driving back I ended up feeling very distressed. It didn't all have to do with Lynda, but she wanted to talk about it. So we had a very good talk, over about three hours.

We covered a lot of things, and as we were winding up all of that, I said that I needed to cover one more thing--and that was my relation to her as Anita. It was not a heavy conversation at all, but it did stretch on. She said that being around me highlighted her own tendency toward behavior that society calls male, and maybe she didn't care to be reminded of it. She's the kind of woman who blends it well, and it actually attracts men to her. But if they're more traditional-type guys, they can get upset with it when they get more involved with her. She had at least two major pairings like that.

"If anything, that blend you have would make it easier to be around me. I'm the kind of "girl" you'd understand perfectly!" We both laughed at that, but I thought I had a point. On the other hand, she liked the blend we had as guy/gal. We complimented each other fairly well that way.

Anyway, she listened to me say much of what I posted above, and she did not seem overly concerned. I told her at this point in our lives that she had a choice to "opt out" of being around femme/me, but I would not predict the future. She did understand that change can come quickly in a TG life, without warning.

So we're going to try for two weeks from today, and go up to the Claremont, the resort hotel in the Oakland/Berkeley hills. The pianist there plays classic jazz and standards, and both of us like that. She's got to figure out whether she wants to wear a dress or not. I don't expect her to back out, so we shall see what happens.

[DonnaT]

So we're going to try for two weeks from today, and go up to the Claremont, the resort hotel in the Oakland/Berkeley hills. The pianist there plays classic jazz and standards, and both of us like that. She's got to figure out whether she wants to wear a dress or not. I don't expect her to back out, so we shall see what happens.

Are you going as Anita if she doesn't wear a dress? Just trying to figure out how what she wears is important.

[Anita]

Hi Donna--
I'll be going as Anita no matter what. The dress issue comes up because the Claremont Hotel is one of the most fashion-conscious places on our side of the bay. A woman would not be out of place wearing dress pants there, but many of the women are in very expensive dresses, heels, and the works. Lynda has never cared for dresses, and at rock and roll clubs she doesn't need to think about it; she's always preferred leather pants or jeans. I told her I would be wearing a dress, and realized we were having a "what are YOU going to wear" conversation, which made both of us laugh.

There are still moments when Lynda laughs to keep from crying, but there's no turning back, as we all know. I am optimistic enough to feel that if she can get over the initial roller-coaster feelings about this, she will discover some valuable things that come from being around me. They will be qualities she couldn't have gotten in any other way.

[Absaroka]

Anita this sounds really exciting. It is nice to hear that you guys are exploring all this. Besuming friendship with an ex can be so very rewarding yet challenging.


Absaroka

[DonnaT]

sounds like it will be an interesting time together Anita. Maybe if others in the audience don't make a scene about how your dressed, she'll feel a lot better being around Anita on many more occasions.

[Anita]

Well, if we'd actually gone out as two gals, I'd have started a new thread.
Didn't happen. I have a lot going on right now, good stuff, so I'm not upset with it. I WAS upset when it started to unravel.

Lynda and I had had two outings as guy/gal, within a week's time. So I set up this Anita/Lynda date feeling that I'd given more than equal time with the familiar self that Lynda knows.

After she'd agreed to do the date, I said, "At this point you still have a choice about this." I went on to explain that for some, there comes a time when they no longer want to dress male, even though everyone else wants them to. ( "It's your sister's wedding--be reasonable.") I said I wasn't "there" yet, but it could happen.

Big mistake, and confusing, too. I had meant that in the big picture, she still had a choice.
But I had not meant that she had a choice about this particular date. I had carefully set it up so it would be "fair," and I felt that I'd compromised quite a bit to get there. So, no, I wasn't offering a choice here. I knew Lynda is not wild about change of any kind, let alone this. If it was going to happen, I had to say, "This is what we're going to do. Will you agree to do it?" and she had.

But the next weekend, she told me, "You said I had a choice. My choice is that you stay male."

I could have argued that she had misunderstood, but I didn't even consider it. I had been too vague. What seemed more important was that she wasn't happy about doing this at all. So I said, "I have to see how I feel about that." and let it go at that moment.

I found I didn't feel good about it at all, and I didn't want to go out if I wasn't going as Anita. It was that "fairness" issue, partly. 'I've given you what YOU want, and now it's my turn.' And while I could see how she misunderstood, I still felt like my request to go out enfemme was reasonable. I didn't have to blame her for feeling like she did, but at the same time, I had my needs, too.

Bad timing prevented me from saying all this, though. I couldn't just call Lynda with five minutes to spare and try to talk this through. And every night that week had lots of other drama and activity. I kept waiting for the space to make the return call, and it wasn't happening! Thursday night I just had to leave a brief message with her, saying that I needed to talk this out. Then came Friday, and it's the same story--constant activity, no time to talk at all. But I've got to get hold of her!

I rush in from work, having to get ready for my trans support group. Makeup needs to be done, and I'm going to get into a potentially long and upsetting call? Ugh. Had to do it. I told her I wasn't going out with her this week, and we'd have to talk about it. She was disappointed, and said so. Then we got off the phone.

I went back to getting ready for group, and I felt like I'd been pummeled in the stomach. It was a terrible feeling, and it didn't get any better. There was even a hint of the feelings that had gone with our separation eight years earlier. I spent about 15 minutes trying to put on makeup, and then went to the phone. I left a message for L, and told her that we'd go out anyway. I don't usually reverse myself that way--it was so odd. My upset at not being able to be Anita was very real, but so was the upset at cutting off contact, even temporarily.

I thought, "Man, this is what transitioning girls go through constantly."
Family member X says, "You know, I just don't want to see you if you won't be the man I know," and the TS woman caves in for two or three times. Then the day comes when she says, "Then I guess we won't see each other any more, because I'm not changing back for you."

Sorry if I'm going on and on here. Certainly I'm not to that point yet. At the same time, Lynda is eventually going to need to acknowledge Anita's presence. I feel like if a friendship is working, I shouldn't have to force my needs on someone--they should be willing to do some accomodation. If they can't, well, the friendship may not continue. That's no one's fault--it's just a fact of getting needs met.

Surprising to me, I didn't have any problem at all with going out the next night. Lynda treated me to a birthday dinner, and we went to one of the piano bars that we'd talked about. We just had a good time, and I didn't feel any need to talk about all of this at all. Believe me, I'm not one to be able to sweep an issue under the rug! But I felt like we were OK together, and we'll work this out

[Absaroka]

Hi Anita,

Sounds like the autonomy issues that you have discussed so well and compassionately raised their heads for both of you at the same time. Inevitably I suppose. It also sounds like there was a good deal of checking what you were going to say before you said it and remembering that you are trying to come at all of this in love. Since you guys were able to have a good time and not bring a lot of resentments to the date it sounds like a big success after all.

Lot's of "sounds like" since I'm just reacting to your description of it but it is refreshing to hear about people handling this reasonably successfully.

Absaroka