Fluctuated

Carol Ann · Post by **Carol Ann** » Fri Dec 16, 2005 2:41 pm

Well today I need to vent as I am becoming very fluctuated. My wife will let me dress all I want but will not let me go out in public, OK her rules which I have lived with for 5 years. Now as long as I was a member of Tri-Ess and we had girls night out she never said a word. But now we live out in the country in a very small town and she puts her foot down. I am so tired of hiding my fem side I just want to let it all hang out. Oh the embarrassment I would have to face and people would talk. Hell when she went to Germany last year for two weeks I was out and about everyday and enjoyed myself. Yes I got read a couple of times but no big deal, who cares anyway. I just need to be out enfem and let the chips fall.

I'm afraid one of these days I will say the hell with it and just do it and face the consequences. I need more room to grow and just be myself.

Gosh now that I have that off my mine I feel better, thanks for being my sisters.

Carol Ann

Post by **DonnaT** » Fri Dec 16, 2005 4:55 pm

Hang in there Carol. I know some of what you are feeling.

Stephanie W · Post by **Stephanie W** » Fri Dec 16, 2005 5:54 pm

Carol Ann

I understand your frustration and I'm glad you got it off your chest. Hope you feel better now!

Perhaps in time, your wife will come around but that will only happen if you don't push it with her. I know that's not always easy or what you want to hear but the payoff will be worth it in the long run if she comes to realize what her present 'restrictions' are doing to you. Maybe time to renegotate those boundaries in your new environment. A small town does mean new rules but they don't need to be rigid. Hopefully she'll see a compromise in there somewhere. Good luck!

Stephanie

Carol Ann · Post by **Carol Ann** » Fri Dec 16, 2005 6:53 pm

Thank you DonnaT and StepanieW,
I just don't understand her position

, I can go out with a group but not alone or with her since we moved. I have the money put aside for a get away to Eureka Springs and all she saids is "we will see"

. Girls Carol Ann needs to go out even if it's just for a drive in the evening, I don't know maybe this will blow over or maybe I am jailed to the house and yard. I guess letting me dress every day is all she will give in too. Hmmm
wonder if my appearence is getting to good for her?. You'al know she keeps after me to dress proper and make sure my cloths and colors are correct and will tell me if I'm not dressed proper or my makeup isn't just right. You know sometimes I think she may be getting jealous because she cann't did it any more. Oh I should not have said that, please forgive me as I am still venting and trying to understand her side,

Carol Ann

Anita · Post by **Anita** » Fri Dec 16, 2005 7:56 pm

That's a hard one, Carol Ann. Your wife might easily think that she's making a BIG concession by letting you dress every day, and you're feeling like...I dunno, you'd trade some everyday dressing for the getting out card. Frequency doesn't bother her, but location certainly does.

How far from a big city are you, anyway? I can't see the harm in driving there and going out, whatever reservations your wife might have about a smaller community. Two hours drive one way is doable--three or four hours gets a little tricky, and might call for long weekends spent there. Which your wife may not like the idea of at all. But she should be able to go out with you in a big city, if she did before. The rules have been around for five years--is that when you moved to the country? That was more recent than that, wasn't it?

Virginia · Post by **Virginia** » Fri Dec 16, 2005 8:08 pm

Carol Ann,
Well you kow pretty much what I am going to say - right!? Just how important is that girl looking back at you when you look in the mirror? How much are you willing to sacrifice for her??? That is the bottom line and all the "advice" and "guidence" we give you will not be the final decision - Carol Ann has to make that decision -"What is it worth to you!?"
Like the Reverend MR. Black in the song,"You got to walk that lonely valley - you got to walk it by yourself!"
I can tell you this, I know I look better than my wife! When this divorce is final and she meets Virginia face to face - she is gonna freak!!!!!
"Woman, go forth and BE!!!!!!"
Love,
Virginia

Post by **KimberlyS** » Fri Dec 16, 2005 8:59 pm

Hi Carol Ann, oh can I relate. Going out is a big issue with my wife also. In fact such an issue that when she found out I had been going out some and contacting other cders it almost ended our marriage. That was about 3 years a go. Now after alot of talking, individual and joint counsouling, and alot more talking, i brought up the subject just a few days ago about I do need to get out some. Dressing at home for me is ok most of the time, but a few times it is like the house is a prison that i can not leave. And something within me is clawing at the door to get out at times. So now we have some more talking, and i have some planning and options to come up with. There is a trip in our future in a place away from this small town.

But it did not come easy. There were alot of small steps in there and alot of communication between my wife and I. But I can now say that there are very few "CDing" issues we had to resolve and still working on some. Most of the issues were purely communications issues due to lack of communication between us. Our marriage is much better now that we are starting to communicate better. And we are still working on it.

Good luck with your communications with your wife.

Carol Ann · Post by **Carol Ann** » Sat Dec 17, 2005 3:10 pm

Oh what a wonderful bunch of ladys you all are

DonnaT,
Thank you so much

Stephanie W,
Sweetheart you have such big shoulders for me to cry on

Anita,
The wife and I have talked many times about my dressing and she is OK with everyday dressing. Her words"what ever floats your boat".
The no going out rule goes way back to when we lived in New Orleans, so it's not a new one.

Virginia,
Your words of wisdom have always impressed me. The women in the mirrow I love dearly. After 42 years of marriage I just cann't go my way.
Everyday is better then nothing but I will tell you the honest truth, if she passes before me I do believe I may go all out and just live my life out as a women. Hell I'm almost living it now.

Yes sometimes I do believe she is jealous of me, not a very nice thing to say. But with the new wig and getting pretty good with my makeup I don't believe I look to bad (my opinion).

KimberlyS,
Yes having to stay in the house is like a prison, but she lets me go outside as we live way back in the woods. Yes I just love to be with and talk to other CD'er one of the many reason I miss tri-ess so much.

To sum up, I thank each and every one of my sisters who listen to my venting.

Carol Ann

Absaroka · Post by **Absaroka** » Sat Dec 17, 2005 8:08 pm

What are her reasons for not wanting you to go out? There could be many, ranging from fear of what people will think of her and you and your family to fears for your safety to fears about what will you do while you are out. Interestingly this has not been a part of the discussion here at least. Why is that?

Andrea

Carol Ann · Post by **Carol Ann** » Sun Dec 18, 2005 9:35 am

Andrea,
This is a very small country town and everybody knows everybody and thier kids. Anytime you go to town for gas,haircut, whatever, people want to talk to ya. So we are know as the folks up in Pig Hollow ( yes that whats it called). If word got around we would be blackball and shunned and we wouldn't be able to show our faces around.

Yes we can go out of town to a larger city one north and one south but you still run into your neighbors as our small town doesn't have much to offer when it comes to shopping for anything. I found the best time to venture out was after dark as most folks go to bed when the sun goes down and get up before the chickens (country people you know).

Besides we now have two grandchildren living with us and they are both in high school, I wouldn't want them to have my problems.

But the desire to go out is still burning in my soul.

Carol Ann

Stephanie H · Post by **Stephanie H** » Sun Dec 18, 2005 9:12 pm

Carol Ann:
From what I understand and feel, is that when broundries are defined and all things are well, conversation is smooth and easy conflict is almost non existant. No conflicts, no embarssing moments or comments.
Than, there is a incident, undefined, unrelated and totally off the radar chart, that perks a discussion beyound rational understanding. It is this trigger, that causes a new discussion on boundries and rules. As with all things, please be tolerant with the situration as it will evolve back to where it was prior to the unexplained incident.

Absaroka · Post by **Absaroka** » Mon Dec 19, 2005 8:17 am

Thank you for clarifying that Carol Ann. I'm a bit mystified however in that you say whenever you go anywhere the neighbors will talk but on the other hand you are out and about when your wife is away. I take it you must be out and about in a very discrete way....

It really sounds like the problem is not your wife it is every one else. To me you are describing someone who is saying that you can be who you are in the privacy of your own home but that your actions should not have what you describe as a drastic impact on the standing of her and your grandchildren in the community and that she feels that she must keep you aware of just how much this matters to her and does not want you taking chances with it. Seems reasonable to me and I think that maybe appreciation of just how accepting she is would be in order. We don't go to war with society without the agreement our close allies who will be dragged into the struggle with us. At least we shouldn't.

And yes having this secret from the rest of the world and having to always hide it can be very crazy making. Which is why we have forums like these to go to. Remember that she is sharing the same secret but not experiencing the rewards. When you get dressed and have get to feel nice about it in the privacy of your home, it is probably a pretty neutral experience for her and almost certainly (guessing here) not the thrill that it is for you. How could it be? But she still has all the same background noise going on about who will know about the folks in PIg Hollow. That's a lot of work for something that she personally isn't getting too much reward from except your happiness. I guess loving you makes it worth it to her.

Presumably there are other things that you are doing in the relationship that do give her the same lift since that is what marriage is.

In the meantime vent away. Just remember who the villian really is.

Just my impressions from your post. I could be entirely wrong

Andrea

Carol Ann · Post by **Carol Ann** » Wed Dec 21, 2005 8:49 am

Hi Andrea:

Your words are so true I guess I'm fighting myself. Yes I have gone out
after dark and no one could see who was driving and went to a larger city and into Wal-Mart. Now remember my wife was away for two weeks at the time. But just to be out and go window shopping at a mall is such a great feeling.

Carol Ann