What to tell our SO's

[Claire Dee]

I know that this subject has been discussed several times over the years, but a number of us are new to the Forum and have not been a part of those discussions, Earlier in the week Ruby R. (1/11) posted a thread about her boyfriend's fettishes; there have also been several threads involving hurting other people's feelings and others about SO's needing to accept their CD spouse for what he is. Those started me thinking. I know that there are many who have happy relationships with their SO's who accept and even support the CDing. I have also read many sad stories about families breaking up after the SO learns. I have chatted with a couple of people this week who think we should all tell our SO's of our CDing. I have also chated with a couple of others, like me, who know that she would be totally unaccepting and it would probably destroy the relationship, which brings me to my questions. Many of us met, courtred, and married our SO's during periods in which we were not actively dressing. Should the SO be allowed to have relations with the person she married, or sshould we tell them that we are not the person she married? If we truly love our spouses, should we not respect their feelings and protect them? Why risk destroying the relationship? No one knows our wives like we do, and if we don't think she will accept us en femme, why be around her en femme?

[SilverLady(SO)]

Hi, Claire -

Should the SO be allowed to have relations with the person she married, or sshould we tell them that we are not the person she married?

I presume that you value honesty and trust in your marriage - as those were part of your marriage vows, correct? Your wife expects those qualities from you, too, and by your not telling her about Claire - even though you were not actively CD when you first courted and married your wife, then you are being dishonest to her and saying that you do not trust your wife. In essence, you are already breaking your marriage vows. Harsh, I know, but it's the truth.

If we truly love our spouses, should we not respect their feelings and protect them?

Respect their feelings - definitely, and protect them - from harm, absolutely. But by lying to the spouse you are totally disregarding her feelings, and you are causing harm to her by those actions. She may already suspect that Claire exists, in one form or another, so for you to be the first one to tell your wife that Claire is, indeed, a part of you, speaks more of your being honest and trusting your wife with all things. She may be waiting for you to tell her about Claire - have you thought about that?

Why risk destroying the relationship? No one knows our wives like we do, and if we don't think she will accept us en femme, why be around her en femme?

Are you absolutely sure your wife will not accept Claire? How will you know for sure the answer to that question unless you ask her? I can fully understand, and appreciate, the need to not just 'blurt out' to your wife, 'Hey, guess what, honey? I love to dress en femme!' But I think the issue can be brought up delicately, and in progressive stages, to determine whether your wife will accept Claire, to any degree at all.

I have also read many sad stories about families breaking up after the SO learns.

True, this does happen in many marriages - - but not all marriages, by any means. There are many examples here in this forum to prove that marriages can continue after the CD comes out of the closet. For some, the marriages are weaker, true, but at least it still exists - which means there is a great chance of rebuilding, strengthening the marriage with work from both parties. For others, the marriage is immediately more rewarding to both parties because the wife is more relaxed and comfortable with the femme side of her husband - - she instantly has not just a husband, but a girlfriend who understands, to some degree at least, what being a woman is all about.

You owe it to yourself to admit to your wife that Claire exists. Virginia will tell you that at one point you are going to have to look at Claire in the mirror and determine how important Claire is to you. Can you live with yourself by keeping Claire in the proverbial closet, denying that part of yourself? If so, how long do you think you will be able to keep up with the deception before you get 'caught' dressed? You will eventually be caught, maybe not necessarily while fully dressed, but by the little things you'll say or do.

I'm going to turn the tables on you right now, and give you this scenario which may help you put things into better perspective, okay? How would you feel if your wife came to you and admitted that she is a female CD - that she just loves to dress in men's clothing? Oh, you may have suspected it for some time - spouses do have an inner sense about these things. Would you be willing to work with your wife in this case, allowing that 'male' side of her to exist in your marriage, in one form or another? The underlying answer to that is this: how much do you love your spouse?

There is no one correct answer to any of your questions, as each situation is different. But the underlying basis of any marriage is complete love, trust, and honesty - - in all things, great or small.

I truly wish you the best, no matter the outcome. We're all here to help one another - and that's why this forum exists.

- SL

[Carol B]

Everyone's experience is different. In my case, I met my spouse while my CD was in remission. It had not been part of me for many (>6) years. I had no idea that the urges and desires would return.

This was back in the late 1980s. There was no public www and information was scarce and much of it ill informed compared to today. Its not that I purposely didn't tell my spouse. I really never thought about it.

When I was found, she was adamant about how she should have been told before we became serious partners. Well its too late for that. I'm truely sorry but I had no clue. Judging from her initial reaction, I am sure we would have not been together much longer (probably minutes to seconds) if I had told her.

She is not quite accepting of my acts, but understands through reading that I cannot change. Since we don't live full time together, we can deal with it, but the day will come were the proverbial s*&t will hit the fan.

I feel strongly from my own experiences that telling would have been better for the both of us. There is enough tension in any relationship. Lumping this on top is really too much to ask of an unsuspecting partner.

If one chooses not to tell, you will be found out. You will blow the trust factor and it is impossible to rebuild that completely. And there is a good chance that acceptance will not be forth coming.

Hugz

[Elizabeth]

Claire,

There is no way to just answer you question. There is no way to know what your relationship with you SO is like, and there is no way to know how she will react. While there are many, me included, who beleive that the best thing to do is to come clean and tell her, many do not do this and there are those who have remained closeted thier entire lives.

You may be so careful as to never get caught. It is not unheard of. There are those that have posted here that have written about hiding it for 30+ years with no intention of ever telling. What it boils down to is, are you willing to do this?

I have seen many post here who speak a great deal about how much they love thier wives and how it bothers them that they have hurt thier wives by not telling them before they were married. I have heard how they are willing to either not dress, or at least not be seen dressing, or not telling thier children or any other host of restrictions all designed to pretend that it does not exist.

I know, I have been there. I went 14 years only underdressing, mostly in secret, but also many years with my exwife knowing, supressing my desire to be Elizabeth until I could no more. She was not appreciative of the 14 years I did not dress and I was resentful, for years of my life that were just lost. There was a time when I beleived I would suppress it forever. I would never come out. However, my exwife outted me to my brother after many months of our marriage being on the rocks. Turns out she was having an affair.

She just could not accept me. We are now divorced, but I would say that my transgenderedness was only a part of the reason. The resentments built for so long, we really just did not like each other any more. Now I would talk about how much I loved her, but the real truth was that I was afraid to be alone. I was so afraid that no one would ever love me again, that I put up with being degraded and used for years.

I think there are many out there who are afraid. They are afraid of being outted, they are afraid of losing thier children, they are afraid of ending up alone, they are afraid of divorce and losing all thier material wealth. It's just hard not to think about all those things. And if you tell your SO and she is unaccepting she may out you, divorce you, have your parental rights taken away(depending on the state you live in), take your material wealth(again depending on what state you live in), cause you to lose your job, and even lose the support of your own parents and siblings and other relatives, not to mention friends.

It can and does happen. My exwife outted me to my brother, but she had threatened to do it many times in the past. When I lived in a town of about 20,000 people and ran my own business in a very conservative state, she could have cost me everything. She could have distroyed my business by letting this get out, my brother who was my partner at the time has already disowned me, she would have won most of the assets as the divorce would have been ruled to be my fault, she would have had my parental rights terminated as I would be bad for my kids(they might catch it from me).

However, in CA where I moved after my business went under in the first Bush recession, the court informed her that she could not even bring up my crossdressing as an issue. CA is a "no fault" state meaning that no one is at fault when couples divorce and assets are split 50/50. My children have no problem with my dressing and completely accept me, in fact two of three of them stayed with me.

I met and subsequently married an accepting woman that truely allows me to be me. She loves and supports me and thinks I am beautiful when dressed and just as beautiful not dressed. She says when she sees pictures of me dressed as a man, I look sad to her. She says I look happy and alive now. She was the one who suggested I get a wig because I am just "too bald". She really wants me to have a happy life. And that makes me want her to have happy life.

I know she is rare, and finding a woman who can not only accept this gift of ours, but embrace it, is rare. There are choices to be made, the outcomes can be brutal or great. I hope you find your way, and it has a great outcome for you.

Love always,
Elizabeth

[Absaroka]

These are all good questions with probably as many answers as there are readers. THey seem to fall into an if then trap at points. If I truly love my SO then shouldn't I? And then we get into different ways of thiking about very deep things like honesty and respect.

I don't have the answers to your questions even as they pertain to myself, much less anyone else. I would however beware of anyone who is absolutely sure they do.

Absaroka

[Jabbela]

There are some topics I like to comment.
You mentioned, that you have married your wife as male and therefore she might not want to learn about your desires. In my opinion, even when I was not actively CDing at this time, there always has been a female part inside my soul and that my wife recognized it. She has fallen in love with me and my female side is part of me - so she also married my female part.
I was also curious about telling my wife, but it turned out, that she was accepting, when she cought me once. She was more or less supporting, but I haven't given her the chance to "prove" it. I left my family a few months ago, but CDing was not the reason why I broke that relationship.

With my new SO, some things were different. From the first day on, she recognized my female part. Her Grandma said "you look like a girl" the first time she saw me (in male mode!). I also told my SO about my desires, before we started our relationship. She is very supportive and she is often encouraging me, to express my feminity in any way I like. She is in love with me, regardless of my gender appearance. It is really lovely, that she loves me as man AND woman.

You might think "what a luck does (s)he have!" Don't forget, that you might have the same luck. Obviously it is a proof of truth and love to tell our SO, but it is worth it. CDing is part of your life and suppressing it imprisons your desires. This is not a good base for a relationship. If your SO is not accepting at first, it is your task to tell her all around your desires. She will ask you many questions about your intentions, your sexual preferences but she will for sure ask you, why you haven't told her before. Keeping this secret and hide your desires from your SO is also some sort of being untrue.

Always find out, if you love her enough and if she is really loving you. If so, she will more or less accept your desires as an important and valuable part of your personality. If not, well maybe the relationsship is not as strong, as you might have thought.

[DonnaT]

I'm an advocate for telling before marriage, well before. After marriage, I can only make suggestions, but won't tell you to tell her.

In quite a few instances, telling one's wife has been for the best. And in quite a few, not so good ~ to totally devastating.

Each person needs to make up their own mind. Weigh the pros and cons.

One must also consider, that if they are actively dressing, they can be caught. Most know this and the anxiety can be a health risk. Then again, some don't have anxiety, but instead get an adrenaline rush over the prospect of getting caught. But once caught, there are consequences to be paid.

In another forum, I believe 4 girls all got caught within the same week.

Sometimes, the wife will be more angry over the deceit rather than the CDing. Usually because of the misplaced trust and honesty she thought they shared.

Maybe you can feel your wife out. Maybe with a story about a 'friend' you knew in school, who came out to his wife, and 1) she left him or 2) she learned more about what being transgendered meant and stayed with him. Get your wife's take on whether she agrees with your friend's wife.