We moved to Colorado, you all know that much. Amber's mom moved in with us. I think I've mentioned that once or twice. It was a bit of an adjustment having another adult in the house. Can you see the problem? With my extracurricular activities and mom around all the time, I was caught between a rock and a hard place. My predicament led me to the obvious decision of coming out. So I first spoke to Amber about it. Asked if she had any reservations, etc. We spoke at length, discussing pros and cons, and I said okay. Time to tell. So I mustered up my courage....
and chickened out.
I made excuses to myself for two weeks, three weeks, and after a month had passed, my lovely bride (bless her!) decided to soften the blow. She spoke to her mom for me. I kinda knew she'd be okay with it, but I just didn't know how to broach the subject. So now Mom knows. I must admit, she's been really cool about it. She (like most) doesn't understand the 'why' but doesn't really care as long as I'm good to her daughter and grandkids. (Which she knows I will!)
Wait, there's more to it!
When Amber and I spoke prior to telling mom, she said to me, "If you tell mom, my sister WILL find out."
Two days ago, guess who found out? Yep, my sister-in-law. I wasn't really worried about that either. You see, she's probably the only relative I could walk up to and say "Oh by the way, I'm a crossdresser." and then talk about anything under the sun. She's just one of those really non-judgemental people that are a pleasure to know.
So now I can add two more names to the list. I know, I didn't come right out and tell them myself, but they know regardless. That's just fine with me. Little by little, I'll work my way up to being known by everyone I care about. Baby steps. One small task at a time. Having help from my spouse only strengthens my resolve to take the next one on my own.
I look forward to the day when Kyra's closet becomes Kyra's courtyard, welcoming one and all.
Hugs,
Kyra
Uncovering Kyra one step at a time
Moderators: KimberlyS, CathyAnn
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Kyra
- Miss Ruby Goddess
- Posts: 1161
- Joined: Tue Jan 13, 2004 11:04 pm
- Location: Fort Fun, CO
- Contact:
Uncovering Kyra one step at a time
For once you have tasted flight you will walk the earth with your eyes turned skywards, for there you have been and there you will long to return. - Leonardo DaVinci
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Stephanie W
- Miss Golden Goddess
- Posts: 905
- Joined: Mon Sep 26, 2005 9:57 pm
- Location: Ontario, Canada
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Sally
- We Will Never Forget You - Rest in Peace
- Posts: 630
- Joined: Thu Feb 26, 2004 1:33 am
- Location: N.S.W. Australia
uncovering Kyra one step at a time
Hi Kyra,
It's really great to hear how well it's gone for you with having more people close to you accepting you for who you are, and I dearly hope it continues for you and gets better and better. It can be a bit traumatic can't it living a lie to those people who matter to us, and it gives such a sense of relief to get the truth out into the open.
I know well myself how my life changed when I made the big decision to stop lying, and adopt the devil may care attitude and let myself walk free. It changed my life for the better so much, and when those people I love and care about accepted Sally, then it was better than winning the lottery and life ever since has been absolutely wonderful.
I think the majority of us would prefer not to have to lie about our real self, but for many reasons we do, and indeed to a great extent we have to.
One of the main reasons we lie is denial. We wrote the book on denial, and denial in itself is also a type of lying to ourself, and it can be quite dangerous too. We know deep down the true facts but we don't want to acknowledge that we're 'different', because to acknowledge that difference allows ourselves to be recognised, if only by ourself, but still recognised and labelled. There can be quite serious ramifications in society with the words Crossdresser, Transexual etc, and for some of us, admitting that we are who we know deep down we are, is just something which can't be achieved, and so denial sets in and we live that lie. We fear that admitting who we really are will cause us to be condemned by society.
Unfortunately the bulk of society still see us as suffering some sort of 'sickness', and we learn from an early age that if you're different then it's your fault, and you need to internalise that difference and be seen to live as everyone around us does. It's so terrible to be born biologically a boy, yet want so desperately to be a girl, and I know that it takes a better acting job than any acadamey award to successfully pull it off for a lifetime. I know I could never have done it, and indeed none of us should ever have to, but society has that ingrown moral code which was set in place by people in power a long time ago, and it's going to take a long, long time for it to be reversed.
I believe we also lie to protect ourselves from the reality which we know may well destroy us and those we love. But, in many instances we have no choice really, and the really sad part is that we're lying about a truism, something which we simply know to be true and who and what we are. We deny our gender, our feelings, our emotions and our dreams, and this is what is so sad because, firstly, it's not our fault, and secondly we're forced to live and lie in fear of being ostracised for something which to us, is completely normal and always will be.
We lie to our loved ones because we're terrified of the ramifications if they find out the truth about us. We desperately want to tell them, and I think for many of us we know that some day we will tell them, ( but not just now and we put it off for as long as we can) we live in hope that it'll go away, even if we know deep down that it never will, it's part of the whole person we are. I know for many people they feel if they can wait long enough this 'need' will disappear or someone will find a cure and they'll never have to live in fear again of 'being found out'. But that in itself is another lie, because as I said before, we know deep down that it's part of us forever.
The thing is, that the lying does work. For years we can live the double life and get away with it. We can feel safe and as time goes on we take greater chances as the need to Crossdress increases, but for many people it's on borrowed time, because as the need grows more urgent there is a need to talk to someone about all this which is happening to us, we need to communicate with someone who will be sympathetic to our cause, we desperately need to be accepted, and we begin to live in an extremely fragile shell as our emotional well being suffers, and this radiates to those around us. Lying can eventualyl take a terrible cost on us and those we love. We know lying is wrong. AND WE HATE IT, DON'T WE, but we do it anyway.
What I found in my own situation years ago, was that for years I lied for nothing. The only person who was suffering was me. Hindsight is far easier than foresight. I completely lacked foresight as to the reactions which would come from those who I loved, and as my wife said the night I revealed all to her, "What a lot of good years I wasted by lying to myself and everyone else". Lying can be an extremely powerful dual tool. It can work for us or it can hurt us badly, but I know for some it is a tool which they have to learn to use, accept and harness in their need to survive. Lying for some can be the tool which enables them to reach that point in their lives where they can take some control over their quality of life. I quite realise that not all of us are in a situation where we can live as we want to and reveal who we are, and sadly, this is a legacy of the generations who have gone before us and set in place 'Moral Codes', which presumably were put in place to make people live 'better lives', but hopefully one day (not in our lifetime I know), everyone will be free to live as they choose, in safety, comfort and peace.
Sorry for getting a bit off topic, but maybe in a way it all connects up to your situation, previous and present, and I'm so happy for you that your life is becoming another success story, and a model for the people who travel the road we do. I know when Sally walks down the street, the sun shines on the darkest cloudy day.
Kind Regards,
Sally.
It's really great to hear how well it's gone for you with having more people close to you accepting you for who you are, and I dearly hope it continues for you and gets better and better. It can be a bit traumatic can't it living a lie to those people who matter to us, and it gives such a sense of relief to get the truth out into the open.
I know well myself how my life changed when I made the big decision to stop lying, and adopt the devil may care attitude and let myself walk free. It changed my life for the better so much, and when those people I love and care about accepted Sally, then it was better than winning the lottery and life ever since has been absolutely wonderful.
I think the majority of us would prefer not to have to lie about our real self, but for many reasons we do, and indeed to a great extent we have to.
One of the main reasons we lie is denial. We wrote the book on denial, and denial in itself is also a type of lying to ourself, and it can be quite dangerous too. We know deep down the true facts but we don't want to acknowledge that we're 'different', because to acknowledge that difference allows ourselves to be recognised, if only by ourself, but still recognised and labelled. There can be quite serious ramifications in society with the words Crossdresser, Transexual etc, and for some of us, admitting that we are who we know deep down we are, is just something which can't be achieved, and so denial sets in and we live that lie. We fear that admitting who we really are will cause us to be condemned by society.
Unfortunately the bulk of society still see us as suffering some sort of 'sickness', and we learn from an early age that if you're different then it's your fault, and you need to internalise that difference and be seen to live as everyone around us does. It's so terrible to be born biologically a boy, yet want so desperately to be a girl, and I know that it takes a better acting job than any acadamey award to successfully pull it off for a lifetime. I know I could never have done it, and indeed none of us should ever have to, but society has that ingrown moral code which was set in place by people in power a long time ago, and it's going to take a long, long time for it to be reversed.
I believe we also lie to protect ourselves from the reality which we know may well destroy us and those we love. But, in many instances we have no choice really, and the really sad part is that we're lying about a truism, something which we simply know to be true and who and what we are. We deny our gender, our feelings, our emotions and our dreams, and this is what is so sad because, firstly, it's not our fault, and secondly we're forced to live and lie in fear of being ostracised for something which to us, is completely normal and always will be.
We lie to our loved ones because we're terrified of the ramifications if they find out the truth about us. We desperately want to tell them, and I think for many of us we know that some day we will tell them, ( but not just now and we put it off for as long as we can) we live in hope that it'll go away, even if we know deep down that it never will, it's part of the whole person we are. I know for many people they feel if they can wait long enough this 'need' will disappear or someone will find a cure and they'll never have to live in fear again of 'being found out'. But that in itself is another lie, because as I said before, we know deep down that it's part of us forever.
The thing is, that the lying does work. For years we can live the double life and get away with it. We can feel safe and as time goes on we take greater chances as the need to Crossdress increases, but for many people it's on borrowed time, because as the need grows more urgent there is a need to talk to someone about all this which is happening to us, we need to communicate with someone who will be sympathetic to our cause, we desperately need to be accepted, and we begin to live in an extremely fragile shell as our emotional well being suffers, and this radiates to those around us. Lying can eventualyl take a terrible cost on us and those we love. We know lying is wrong. AND WE HATE IT, DON'T WE, but we do it anyway.
What I found in my own situation years ago, was that for years I lied for nothing. The only person who was suffering was me. Hindsight is far easier than foresight. I completely lacked foresight as to the reactions which would come from those who I loved, and as my wife said the night I revealed all to her, "What a lot of good years I wasted by lying to myself and everyone else". Lying can be an extremely powerful dual tool. It can work for us or it can hurt us badly, but I know for some it is a tool which they have to learn to use, accept and harness in their need to survive. Lying for some can be the tool which enables them to reach that point in their lives where they can take some control over their quality of life. I quite realise that not all of us are in a situation where we can live as we want to and reveal who we are, and sadly, this is a legacy of the generations who have gone before us and set in place 'Moral Codes', which presumably were put in place to make people live 'better lives', but hopefully one day (not in our lifetime I know), everyone will be free to live as they choose, in safety, comfort and peace.
Sorry for getting a bit off topic, but maybe in a way it all connects up to your situation, previous and present, and I'm so happy for you that your life is becoming another success story, and a model for the people who travel the road we do. I know when Sally walks down the street, the sun shines on the darkest cloudy day.
Kind Regards,
Sally.
Watch nature, because it’s our greatest teacher, it moves and flows and moves on again. We can never be free until we disengage, so allow life to flow as you find it. The way it is, is the way it is.
Congratulations. -
Anita
- Miss Diamond Goddess
- Posts: 3068
- Joined: Mon Jan 05, 2004 2:55 pm
- Location: Burlingame, CA (San Francisco Bay area)
Re: Uncovering Kyra one step at a time
You're well on your way, Kyra, if you can come out to close family. Each person you tell is a little more energy you have for yourself, rather than having to use it to bottle things up inside.
I look forward to the day when Kyra's closet becomes Kyra's courtyard, welcoming one and all.
Still, you're going to need some practice in bringing up the subject yourself, too. It's not so easy the first few times, so you have to find what works best for you. Baby steps, like you said--you want to do this, and you will.
It is also hard to do, but maybe you do want to try to bring up the subject with your sister-in-law, at some point. To me, this is almost as hard as talking about it for the first time. Yes, she knows, but you and she haven't talked about it at all. It may be good practice--you know that she accepts this to some degree, and so it's not like a total unknown. Yet you will learn a lot about her feelings in a short amount of time, if you actually try to talk about it directly. Don't force yourself to do this, but it's a good thing to do from time to time.
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Kyra
- Miss Ruby Goddess
- Posts: 1161
- Joined: Tue Jan 13, 2004 11:04 pm
- Location: Fort Fun, CO
- Contact:
Hi Ladies,
Sally, I don't think you were off-topic at all. In fact, I think what you said was extremely accurate. Your point of view seems to parallel my own.
I learned early in life how "useful" lying could be, and of course it had detrimental effects. I DID hate lying, because I knew it was the wrong thing to do. Yet I could find no alternative. Today I have a bit more knowledge and wisdom, and I feel compelled to change things for the better. Now I am better equiped to challenge the "Moral Codes" which we were taught when young. That's why we (Amber and I) are raising our children the way we are. I feel they will be better prepared in a world of such diverse culture.
Thank you so much for expressing yourself.
Anita, you are so right about talking to my sister-in-law. I've emailed her twice since she found out. She is so sweet. She's completely okay with my CDing. It was very comforting, and yet when she called tonight I handed off the phone to mom without so much as a thank you. My shortcomings, I know. How to boost my courage....hmmm.
Most of my life has been "taking the easy way out" of difficult situations. My philosophy was to have as little confrontation as possible. The downside was and is my bravado suffered. I'm working on it, and I believe one day I will overcome all my insecurities. Slowly, yes, but surely. Like I said, I am compelled to set things right in my life. Is it a long term goal? Yes. Will it take that long? I hope not, but I'm not the kind of person who rushes into things. Thus, I walk.
Girls, I joined this forum for support. That's exactly what I've been given. Thank you all for your kind words.
Hugs to you all,
Kyra
Sally, I don't think you were off-topic at all. In fact, I think what you said was extremely accurate. Your point of view seems to parallel my own.
I learned early in life how "useful" lying could be, and of course it had detrimental effects. I DID hate lying, because I knew it was the wrong thing to do. Yet I could find no alternative. Today I have a bit more knowledge and wisdom, and I feel compelled to change things for the better. Now I am better equiped to challenge the "Moral Codes" which we were taught when young. That's why we (Amber and I) are raising our children the way we are. I feel they will be better prepared in a world of such diverse culture.
Thank you so much for expressing yourself.
Anita, you are so right about talking to my sister-in-law. I've emailed her twice since she found out. She is so sweet. She's completely okay with my CDing. It was very comforting, and yet when she called tonight I handed off the phone to mom without so much as a thank you. My shortcomings, I know. How to boost my courage....hmmm.
Most of my life has been "taking the easy way out" of difficult situations. My philosophy was to have as little confrontation as possible. The downside was and is my bravado suffered. I'm working on it, and I believe one day I will overcome all my insecurities. Slowly, yes, but surely. Like I said, I am compelled to set things right in my life. Is it a long term goal? Yes. Will it take that long? I hope not, but I'm not the kind of person who rushes into things. Thus, I walk.Girls, I joined this forum for support. That's exactly what I've been given. Thank you all for your kind words.
Hugs to you all,
Kyra
For once you have tasted flight you will walk the earth with your eyes turned skywards, for there you have been and there you will long to return. - Leonardo DaVinci
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JoanieC
- Miss Silver Goddess
- Posts: 26
- Joined: Thu Aug 04, 2005 3:08 pm
- Location: NW Denver, Colorado
Kyra-
CONGRATULATIONS! That's a HUGE step forward!!! It is wonderful to hear that your mother-in-law and sister-in-law are accepting. IMHO, your wife deserves a lot of credit as well for being open with you and them.
Glad you've gotten support here. Know that I'm pretty insecure as well, so you aren't alone in that regard. Also, kudos for handling a live-in mother-in-law. It must have been an adjustment for everyone in your family, but sounds like things are going well.
I'm working on a little more of the basic issues with my wife - for me to be more open, talkative with her, discuss my needs, and getting my clothes out of a drawer and into the "larger" closet we both share.
Hope to meet you in your courtyard for coffee some day!
-Joanie
CONGRATULATIONS! That's a HUGE step forward!!! It is wonderful to hear that your mother-in-law and sister-in-law are accepting. IMHO, your wife deserves a lot of credit as well for being open with you and them.
Glad you've gotten support here. Know that I'm pretty insecure as well, so you aren't alone in that regard. Also, kudos for handling a live-in mother-in-law. It must have been an adjustment for everyone in your family, but sounds like things are going well.
I'm working on a little more of the basic issues with my wife - for me to be more open, talkative with her, discuss my needs, and getting my clothes out of a drawer and into the "larger" closet we both share.
Hope to meet you in your courtyard for coffee some day!
-Joanie
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Leah
- Miss Silver Goddess
- Posts: 25
- Joined: Wed Nov 09, 2005 12:33 am
- Location: Phoenix, Arizona
Awesome Kyra, awesome...I singled out the closet aspect at the end and turned it into a personal note...Things have been going so well with my spouse to be that today we discussed how we'll need 2 huge walk in closets for all our shared shopping experiences, hehe...
Again, so good to hear good things...And I'm sure many more will come your way
Leah*
Again, so good to hear good things...And I'm sure many more will come your way
Leah*