what not to wear-help

Absaroka · Post by **Absaroka** » Mon Feb 27, 2006 9:34 am

My daughter who is in junior high loves to watch the show What Not To Wear. She seems to take it to heart an awful lot, to the point where she dresses somewhat inappropriately in my opinion. A couple of examples. Walking to school in cold weather she won't wear a hat or gloves-hat hair... and won't even wear a really warm coat because it's not stylish. And after hearing that low rise jeans are cooler she will only wear them, oblivious to the fact that her butt crack is really not very attractive. At the same time she knows I am sure that she is not some sort of model although she is pretty cute. But her self esteem is low enough that I am pretty sure that she thinks the 10 lbs overweight that she is constitutes "fat" and that this is why she must be so terribly concerned with her clothing.

I could go on but I won't since I think we all know the whole sad story. I think this is the most toxic show on TV with all it's judgementalism and belittling of people but the TV show is not really the problem, it's a symptom of societies obsession with women's (still a girl really) appearances.

Any thoughts here from the GG's on helping her get out of the idea that her self worth is defined by her clothing and appearance? The good old fashioned male defiance I used doesn't seem to help her at all here.

Absaroka

Gardenia_SO · Post by **Gardenia_SO** » Mon Feb 27, 2006 6:22 pm

Poor girl! I absolutely hated middle school. Kids can be so cruel at that age.

Does she have any interest in sports or the arts? Does she belong to any clubs that boost self-esteem in girls, such as the Girl Scouts? Does she have a favorite subject in school that you could encourage her to learn more about? (i.e. if she likes animals, why not take her to volunteer at the SPCA... if she's into sports, why not join a team...etc.)

It sounds like she could also use a positive female role model. Do you have any friends or family members that can show her that successful women don't have to be size 4 or look like Jessica Alba? If not, there are mentoring programs out there--I'd try the United Way, Society of Women Engineers or your church to start.

Give her lots of love and reassure her as much as you can.She needs you. These are tough times for her--hormones are raging and you know how pre-teen boys can be. I swear, I'd rather go through an IRS audit, have my wisdom teeth out (with no novicane) and take a $20k pay cut than go through the 7th grade again.

SilverLady(SO) · Post by **SilverLady(SO)** » Tue Feb 28, 2006 12:10 am

Hi, Absaroka

Well, I didn't hate middle school - I went to a Lutheran day school from the 5th to 8th grades - but my 9th grade year was 'so-so' for not being in any of the cliques. Even in high school, though, my social circle was centered around my church youth group - - mind you, we're talking 25-30 years ago! Yikes, I just realized how long it's been!!

I agree with Gardenia that your daughter should join a club that boosts self-esteem, and from past experience the Girl Scouts does that very well, and so, too, will a church youth group. Other groups to consider: the Jaycees, 4H, the school's debate team, etc. Does your daughter like photography, art, or music? There are usually those clubs at the schools or through the school district's "continuing education" curriculum, if one is available.

Above all, lots of love, patience, and understanding will be required from all parties.

- SL

Absaroka · Post by **Absaroka** » Tue Feb 28, 2006 8:31 am

I think her mom (my wife) is an excellent role model and also a good example of someone who is probably average looking no matter how cute I think she is who has a lot of friends because of the kind of person she is. And there are a variety of other similar adult female role models around. She sometimes gets along well with her older sister although other times I think that relationship can be destructive in that she idolized a girl who sometimes wants nothing to do with her. Other times they get along well and you can only ask so much from teenagers. Her sister is very popular and outgoing but has her own stuff going on.

As for activities she hates the church youth group. I don't know why, but I think it has to do with the shyness. She is in the band but hates to practice which limits her. I think there is some self definition going on there, we are a very musical family and everyone performs in at least one group. Trying to interest her in much of anything besides TV and the computer is very frustrating. Her idea of a sport or activity is going to the mall.

She has several friend she sees from time to time. They mostly go shopping or to the movies, or watch tv and presumably talk. Nothing that requires any effort in something you could possibly fail at with the exception of conversation. My wife tells me that this is what girls do at this age.

Absaroka

Curly(SO) · Post by **Curly(SO)** » Tue Feb 28, 2006 12:06 pm

it is pretty normal for young girls to be obsessed with their appearance and fashion so I wouldn't be overly concerned. I'm a mother of a 15 year old girl and I remember what I was like at that age too! I remember too, not always dressing appropriately for the weather, in the name of fashion and wearing stuff that didn't really suit me, but it's all part of growing up. I think it's probably best not to pass comment but to let our daughters get on with it. Whatever you say they will normally take offence and not receive our well meaning advice with gratitude!

I would praise her when she does look good or puts together a nice outfit. We all love compliments

But also give her praise for stuff that is not clothes or looks related. Unfortunately we do live in a 'looks obsessed' Society and there is not a lot we can do about it but find a balance. If your daughter gets praise for when she gets it right with an outfit, but also gets praise for working hard at school or being kind, for example, hopefully she will find the right balance with her self-worth.

Love,
Curly.

Post by **DonnaT** » Tue Feb 28, 2006 2:19 pm

Well, looking at it from the view of a parent of a currently 27 year old daughter, note that many girls grow out of the phase she's in.

Aside from the advise given by the GGs above, note that there are other "style" type shows on television. A couple of them are pretty good in that they sometimes have people on that they have to steer away from certain clothes we as parents find appalling. So, check a couple out and see if you can't get your daughter to watch them.

Additionally, look for a style type magazine that gives advise in the manner you like, and buy it (them) for your daughter to read. Don't hand them to her, though, just buy them and lay them out where she'll see them and hopefully pick them up to read.